TRIGGER WARNING:
The following includes descriptions, photos, and video that may serve as a trigger for victims of sexual violence.
Please be advised.
Someone asked me today, “What is ‘rape culture’ anyway? I’m tired of hearing about it.”
Yeah, I hear ya. I’m tired of talking about it. But I’m going to keep talking about it because people like you keep asking that question.
Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and though there are dozens of witnesses, no one says, “Stop.”
Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and though there are dozens of witnesses, they can’t get anyone to come forward.
Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and adults are informed of it, but no consequences are doled out because the boys “said nothing happened.”
Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and we later find out that their coaches were “joking about it” and “took care of it.”
Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and even though there is documentation of the coaching staff sweeping it under the rug, they get to keep their jobs.
Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and one of the coaches involved in the cover-up threatens a reporter – saying, “You’re going to get yours. And if you don’t get yours, somebody close to you will.” – but the town is more worried about keeping their coaching talent than his integrity.
Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, take pictures of the process, and it becomes a source of ridicule along social networks, whitewashing the crime with hashtags.
[Note: Initially, there was an image of two young men holding up an unconscious young girl by the arms and legs. The image has been widely circulated, and its inclusion here was an attempt to find a silver lining in this survivor’s tragedy by prompting aversion and self-reflection in the reader, as well as to demonstrate the egregious nature of the crime. However, after measured conversations in the comments section and via email, I have chosen to take it down. It’s not my choice to make.]
Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and then joke about it on video – saying, ““She is so raped,” “They raped her quicker than Mike Tyson!”, “They raped her more than the Duke lacrosse team!”, and she was “deader than Trayvon Martin.” – while everyone else laughs. (Warning: this video will make you sick to your stomach.)
Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and the town is more concerned with preserving their football program than the fact that their children are attacking others without remorse.
Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and the mainstream media laments the fact that their “promising futures” have been dashed by their crimes – as though THEY are the victims.
Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and even though she’s been through enough, the 16 year old victim’s name is shared on national television.
Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, but because it happens at a party where both sexes were drinking, complete strangers on the internet argue ferociously that she is to blame for being attacked.
Click to zoom. Warning: it will make you sick.
Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and members of the community issue death threats against the victim.
Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and it is documented across social media channels, and the media informs us that the takeaway is to be more careful about what we post to social media.
Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and when a cover-up is exposed by a group of hackers, we call them “terrorists” and the culpable “victims.”
Yeah, I’m talking about Steubenville. Tired of hearing about it? Ok, let’s talk about something else.
Rape culture is when the Steubenville is far from the first instance of athletic clubs covering up sexual violence allegations. See: Sandusky, Michigan State 2010, Arizona State 2008, University of Colarado 2006, University of Iowa 2008, Lincoln High School 2012, University of Montana 2012, Marquette 2011, plus this research (and there’s more to find if you dig)
Rape culture is when universities across the country do not report rape to the police, but handle the matter via “honor boards” – ultimately shielding perpetrators from criminal consequences.
Rape culture is when universities threaten to expel a student for speaking out about her rape (without ever identifying her attacker) because it’s harassment to talk about her suffering.
Rape culture is when a comedian has a long history of making jokes about rape and sexual assault, is defended from backlash by the comic community, and doesn’t lose his fan base.
Rape culture is when a journalist says this ….
I think that the entire conversation is wrong. I don’t want anybody to be telling women anything. I don’t want men to be telling me what to wear and how to act, not to drink. And I don’t, honestly, want you to tell me that I needed a gun in order to prevent my rape. In my case, don’t tell me if I’d only had a gun, I wouldn’t have been raped. Don’t put it on me to prevent the rape.
… and the public responds with this….
Rape culture is when politicians don’t understand how requiring a transvaginal ultrasound of a rape victim seeking an abortion is like raping her all over again.
Rape culture is when political candidates say that God sometimes intends rape, and that some girls just “rape easy,” and that “legitimate rape” does not result in pregnancy… and do not lose the backing of their party or party leaders.
Rape culture is when a speaker at a political convention makes a rape joke about a sexual violence victim advocate, and he brings the house down with laughter.
Rape culture is when we spend all our time telling women to avoid being raped by modifying their behavior, inferring blame back onto the victim.
Rape culture is when stunning displays of privilege and willful ignorance combine to create this.
BECAUSE THIS HAS BEEN A POINT OF CONFUSION – NO, ALL MEN ARE NOT RAPISTS.
THE FOLLOWING AD IS A REPREHENSIBLE ATTEMPT BY AN MRA GROUP TO UNDERMINE PRODUCTIVE DIALOGUE ON RAPE CULTURE BY FALSELY ASSOCIATING IT WITH INFLAMMATORY STATEMENTS.
WE GOOD? GOOD.
and this:
Rape culture is when a woman speaks out about rape culture, and gets subjected to this.
Rape culture is when we see ads like these on a far too frequent basis:
Rape culture is when you’re tired of hearing about “rape culture” because it makes you uncomfortable, as your attempt to silence discourse on the subject means we never raise enough awareness to combat it – and that’s part of why it sticks around.
So yeah, I’m sorry you’re tired of hearing about it. But I wouldn’t expect us to shut up anytime soon. Nor should we.
UPDATE: I will no longer be publishing comments which caveat the discussion of rape culture with false rape accusation concerns. There is a reason for this, which you can read here.
Rethink the Rant 
Reblogged this on AnaYelsi Sanchez.
Thanks!
I don’t know if I agree….
I’d have to say Rape Culture is when the World’s Black Market enterprise is funded by the selling/ kidnapping and extortion of the HUMAN FEMALE at ALL ages.
Rape culture is when an entire world can still acknowledge and DENY at the same time that women are brutalized in ALL parts of the world even in the wealthiest homes of America.
Rape culture is when a country not 5 decades ago endorsed large women as beautiful and then suddenly did a complete 180 on that perspective and has created a mentality that persuades a sexual life in private but shuns it openly.
Rape culture is THE unknown organization running the world that no one challenges…
Just wanted to clarify.
I hear you. To be clear, this piece is not intended to be an exhaustive list of all manifestations of rape culture. Talking about rape culture in all forms is important to understanding and combating it, so thank you for commenting! The examples you point out feed a broader mindset of inequality, which is what facilitates rape culture. If we see individuals as less than human, or somehow worth less, atrocities like rape suddenly don’t matter as much.
Largely agree with your sentiments, but please reconsider the ethics of reposting that video. It shows a real rape and not a reenactment of rape, correct? It certainly should have been removed from youtube ages ago. I can’t imagine my horror if I were the victim knowing that well-intended feminists were posting images of my assault without my permission. Fox News (and I believe CNN?) “accidentally” revealed her name. We can do better than this. Violence after violence is committed against Jane Doe with each view, regardless of whether one watches in disgust and horror. The fact is, no view– sympathetic or not– can be justified without Jane Doe’s personal consent. Thank you.
It does not. It depicts the boys joking (in a very vile manner, so please do not watch if it might trigger you) about the attack.
Great piece! Need to be published internationally
Not an enjoyable topic, but please, please keep talking!
You can’t yell too loudly, nor too long about “rape culture.” I knew what Zerlina meant, but carrying a firearm, in the absence of immediate change is an option worthy of consideration. It shouldn’t have to be that way, but it is.
Wow I had no idea this was even on the net till I came across your post. Sickening doesn’t begin to describe this idiot and co video. The dark side of me wishes all the evils they joke about on that video to happen to them and for that to be video taped and shown for all to see. Then we’d see just how funny Rape is.
Most are your examples seem to involve stupid people making stupid decisions. Why are you calling it “rape culture”, isn’t more so ignorant people making shitty decisions? Why is the Tosh incident even mentioned?
That’s a very general description of what rape culture is: people making really terrible decisions and comments without thinking about the consequences. The label is a means of framing the conversation.
Ok, I haven’t had time to read all of the comments, but the ones I have read I have found very interesting that the whole conversation slowly became about the very few men who have been raped. Of course, rape is an awful experience for anyone who has to go through it, but it’s interesting that the rare cases of men being raped starts to overshadow the actual CULTURE of raping and dehumanizing women. Perhaps we should add in a male privilege lesson into this convo as well.
I was reading a blog about white privilege earlier today where a white dude was like, “Hey! I’m a white guy and I’ve had a tough life!!!” Totally missing the point completely.. that kinda reminded me of this…
Overshadow? Are you joking? If it became a topic of discussion it’s because of the sheer novelty of the conversation, not because of male privilege. Violence against man is rarely taken seriously as an issue, and I say that as a male victim of domestic violence. The idea that a serious consideration of it could be belittled as you have done is beyond offensive, and disqualifies you as part of any sincere anti-rape stance.
Great point, Jaclynn! Thank you so much for pointing it out!
You seem to forget that rape culture isn’t a culture against women by definition, it is a culture against women in practice because the majority of rape victims are female. (The majority of rapes may well have male victims, but that is another matter)
We have exactly the same culture against male victims with a couple of special bonus belittlements added in. (Men can’t be raped is the best one, I’ve had that a few times.), so as a male victim it is fustrating that every time someone talks about this it is from a ‘rape culture hates women perspective’ we need more writing on ‘rape culture hates me'(both in assuming that they are slaves to their own sex drive when the are victims and possible criminals. Or we need the more accurate ‘rape culture hates victims’ perspective.
YOU NAILED IT
Two things being overlooked in your remarks Jaclynn:
1.) men as victims of rape is a vastly under-reported phenomenon; under reporting is constantly regarded as a valid rhetorical point when discussing the estimated number of rapes, i.e., ” women who are raped but do not report”, yet this is commonly dismissed when discussing men as victims, despite the obvious nature of rape as a greater social stigma when the victim is male. This double-standard indicates a bizarre lack of concern for all potential victims of rape — not JUST women.
It’s not “overshadowing” when men as victims are excluded completely from discussion of the subject, and someone points this out.
Discussion of rape tends to be myopic, as if women are the only people who are raped; male rape is minimized and dismissed. Numbers, even if they were accurate, shouldn’t matter — rape is rape, it’s a problem even if just one person is raped; and it’s about establishing power through violence, to make the victim feel humiliated and insignificant, not about sex or gender; why should the victim be “insignificant” just for being male? Why would anyone sensitive to the nature of rape dismiss a victim for being male, when this symbolically enforces the “powerlessness through insignificance” that rape is meant to produce in the mind of the victim?
People talk of triggers, then tell male victims of rape “your numbers are so low, you don’t count” — brilliant.
The US government didn’t even keep numbers on male victimization until the 1990s — not for lack of incidence, since not keeping numbers means you can’t establish rates of incidence, but because of cultural stereotypes that men are not capable of being rape victims — (and similarly, did not start keeping numbers on women as perpetrators of any kind of sexual assaults until roughly the same period). Many arcane definitions of rape under the law exclude the possibility of men being raped; by legal definition, men are not considered “rape-able” under many laws;
2.) When you speak of men, white or otherwise, as some uniformly privileged, monolithic, homogenous “class” sharing in some abstract notion of “privilege”, you erase all individual difference from the equation, and cover-up instances where your rule doesn’t hold true. You wind up excluding people who might also be victims of the same culture, and make them seem insignificant in a flawed attempt to make your chosen group seem “more significant”.
No human being is reducible to a single dimension (like their sex). Men in prison are not privileged, white or not. Homeless men freezing to death under a freeway overpass are not privileged, white or not. There are many ways in which your abstract notion of “privilege” is so practically non-applicable as to make it farcical. Why defend it so vociferously, if its so limited in its usefulness for diagnosing social injustice? Just because ALL men have to be excluded, scapegoated, for the sake of women? How does that benefit women or men?
Others have written extensively about this (like the head of the Board of Directors of the National Organization for Women’s New York City chapter http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Myth_of_Male_Power), so I won’t write a thesis length rebuttal here. It’s safe to say, your critical thinking skills should tip you off to the fact that generalizations of this sort tend to be fallacious, at the very least. Approach concepts like “class/sex/gender privilege” that incorporate over generalizations about entire groups very carefully; they’re tempting but logically problematic.
Co-sign on your thought process; almost 100%. The part I disagree with is NOT we should NOT add men into this equation as victims..this topic and the VAST majority of rape victims are women. Exclamation point. Period..No one is saying there aren’t male rape victims..however, that is NOT what the prevailing topic is on this post. It IS because of male privilege in our country(and others) that women are dehumanized, blatantly USED as sex symbols(the sex/porn industry is a multiBILLION dollar industry) , and respected SO little overall that laws had to be written for women to be paid what they have EARNED in comparison to men doing the very same JOB. I commend the author of this post for the indepth amount of time & research done on this topic. It hits me VERY close to home; and I’ll part with that comment…Kudos for the courage to voice what many can’t voice; but wish they could. 2 thumbs UP & be blessed. You’ve just gained yet another follower…Me
No, Jaclynn a better example of a comparable situation would be if I were t say “I’m a man and I don’t like rape”, a comparison of pointing out male rape in white privlage disscussion, would be if I were to say ” I’m white and I am constantly accused of being racist and spoiled and privlaged, when I am poor and a civil rights activist” which is on topic in both cases as it shows the other half of the equation which in this case is that women are taught and trained they victims waiting to be victimized. Many minorities in our culture are trained to be victimized and so expect ill treatment from every angle, some individuals respond by lashing out at any who might be a threat before they do. Hence the response To the topic, and the racism-ception. Men are not only being trained they stonger and can take what they want, but we teach women they are weak and just waiting to become a victim, creating fear, and leading to more abuse. Both sides ARE Rape Culture, they are the representation of this phenomenon, these messages are what creats rape culture. Ignoreing this simply leaves this as a disscussion about how women are Raped and victimised all the time, and just how it is, women are the victims and always are the victims, and vary message perpetuates and is Rape Culture. Please think on this, so we all can change our ways.
So why exactly is anyone surprised that rape is so prevalent? I see it as the natural consequence of a culture that sees the ideal man as ambitious, aggressive, and never taking no for an answer.
And as for men not coming forward as witnesses to rape in Steubenville, why would they? I’d say a majority of men put loyalty to friends above the law. As in “Yeah, they f’d up, but I’m not selling them out. I’m not a rat.” Especially not for some random girl I’ll probably never see again.
It’s a tribal mentality ingrained over millenia. I don’t see it changing any time soon.
I would be careful about saying “the majority of men.” Maybe they’re loyal to their friends, but most guys are not fans of rape.
Wow, I’m not sure what kind of people you know, but I can’t imagine a single person I’m acquainted with responding that way. If nothing else, I suppose it illustrates the dangers of trying to approach these issues as though any part of them is an objective constant.
And where are the parents of these witnesses????? If I find out that my kid knows about something like this happened, I’ll drag them down to the police station and then have some privileges revoked….
I put loyalty to friends above the law…but not above my sense of empathy. It’s not a fear of legal retribution that prevents me from raping, it’s the simple fact that it is SICK.
^ This. You rock.
As a man, had I been present when that occurred it would have been stopped. Physically if necessary. So yes be very careful when saying “majority of men”. Had it been you I’d have turned on you in a second flat. Tribal loyalties be damned. I belong to a much bigger tribe than friendship with you or any other individual. I belong to the global tribe of humanity and it is those human dignities that I protect against all that seek to dominate it.
I have reported a friend for rape. He is still rotting in a jail cell and will be for the next 20 years because of both me and another one of his male friends who both put human rights above friendship. Do not make blanket statements like that.
Uh, please don’t try and speak for my gender. I am a man, and if I heard about this happening anywhere NEAR me I’d be telling everyone who could listen. “Tribalism” is just a pathetic excuse. If you are seriously unsurprised that not one male came forward, your view of masculinity is as distorted as those involved. This is not about putting anyone above the LAW – this is about people turning a blind eye to the destruction of a life – and if all you see this is as a legal issue, maybe this is telling you something about your own view of women, I’d certainly see it as a bad sign.
My response when hearing that a guy I knew had beaten and raped someone (who I also knew but probably not that much of a multiplier) was, admittedly not to call the authorities. It was not however to accept or condone it,
I sought him out.
I was damned lucky he’d flown to the other side of the continent at about the same time i started looking for him or I might not be enjoying the freedom I have today.
Fewer men than you think accept that behavior.
I have one to add: Rape culture is when a a Dawson College professor is allowed to teach a course which includes playing tapes that prove that some girls lie about being raped which ruins boys lives. The purpose – to show that a high percentage of rape charges are “made up”.
And that’s bad how?
It’s bad, Charlotte, because it makes it so that when someone is raped the likelihood of it being disregarded is increased. It belittles the issue of rape. Yes, some rape cases may be “made up” but by creating a class that is focused on cases in which the charges were false it further increases the rape culture atmosphere by making it more likely that people will not believe when someone says they were raped. It creates doubt where there shouldn’t be.
Charlotte, I guess the reason it’s bad is because it undermines every rape accusation, be they legitimate (probably the vast majority) or false, and appears to be from a professor with an agenda and one-sided evidence. Having some skepticism regarding an accusation is natural and worthwhile, but to demonise rape victims further by suggesting that they are not telling the truth must firstly do incredible damage on top of that from the rape itself, and secondly it may discourage rape victims from speaking out.
With a quick google search I can’t find anything to back up Helen’s claim, but if it were true then that would be my argument as to why it’s bad.
Charlotte – it’s bad because it’s not only a lie – the percentage of rape charges that turn out to be false is close to 2%, not’high’ – and also because it marginalises rape victims and trivialises what they went through, as if somehow the problem of false accusation is comparable to the problem of rape, which all actual evidence shows is bullshit.
Check out the post I did on false accusations and why I started limiting comments on the topic. There is literally ZERO good data on the subject, and reason to believe the false allegation rate is probably a LOT lower. Thanks for lending your voice to the issue!
Oh shit! Are you serious? That’s not acceptable. Fuck, if I were in this classroom, I would pick my stuff and leave. And, I’ll file a complaint against this teacher.
it’s the first time I have personally ever heard the term “rape culture”, however the description is apt. The video is so disturbing and so offensive to me, the way they were describing this girl like she was a non entity and of no consequence, that I could not watch more than 2 minutes of it. I am horrified and completely disgusted to the depths of my being. Keep up the good fight Lauren. CLEARLY it hasn’t been said enough or reached enough people for it to HIT HOME, just how deplorable this kind of thinking and acting is.
I totally agree with you. On some issues I agree with mens rights but on this one I totally agree with feminism. Women should not have to plan on being raped in a civil society.
I’ve got a quick question that’s always kind of been bugging me. As a side note, though, it should be kept in mind that I 100% agree with everything you said here. I’m just wondering about this one is all.
In the case of “rape jokes” from comedians, and getting upset about them… why is it we get so upset by these, but not, usually, when that same comedian makes a joke about committing mass murder or something? It just seems weird is all.
I’m of the opinion, really, that when someone makes a joke you find inappropriate, generally just stop listening to them – trying to tell them they can’t joke about that gets into a dangerous “pick and choose” territory. BUT I’m also willing to hear an argument against this viewpoint, since it’s possible I’m wrong. Could you explain it to me, if you have a moment?
Thanks :).
Generally speaking, I’m not a fan of rape humor because I’ve known far too many people to make the jokes, but mean the sentiment. In other words, people will hide behind humor in order to make denigrating and incendiary comments, and when the woman in the group speaks up, the response is met with criticism of how emotional or ridiculous she is. I am aware of the fact that comedians will use humor to an ironic end, but in the context referenced above, it was a response to a heckler, and he explicitly talked about how “funny” it would be if she were raped. Tosh is capable of much better. It was a colossally fucked up comment.
The reason I distinguish between rape jokes and murder jokes is two fold. For one, the victims of murder are not around to be marginalized. Still screwed up? You bet. That being said, no a fan of mass murder (or genocide/Holocaust) related humor either…
I know I’m in the minority on this thread on this one. An I will admit that with the right comic, and venue, and audience, humor can be used as an ironic tool to spur self-reflection and discourse. But look at Tosh’s fan base. Look at some of the comments they’ve made in response. These are not “enlightened” folks analyzing Tosh’s discursive efforts – they’re turning around and saying anyone who has a problem with thinking a woman being raped by 5 guys in a row is somehow “funny” is a whiny bitch/feminazi. I’m not going to repost some of the comments I’ve seen elsewhere.
But I will talk about it here. Most of the comments I’ve received in reference to the other arguments (again, most) have been pretty respectful. Some have had a fair dose of vitriol. But the people responding to the Tosh comment? They’re the only ones who have wished bodily harm on me. Like, in detail. They were deleted/blocked/whatever. I’m fine. I knew that was a possible response when I put this up.
But THAT is why I won’t back down from Tosh’s comment being representative of rape culture. Because he may not have wanted that poor girl to be raped, but his comments seem to have inspired other people to think that’s ok.
That’s fair enough. It’s funny (and by funny I mean an odd coincidence, not funny haha), considering how much Tosh hates those types of people generally, yet they flock to him in droves. I guess they like the abuse or something, who knows, rofl.
I see what you’re saying, and I do think Tosh’s comment was a bit OTT but I think it WAS meant to be ironic – on his part. I mean keep in mind, the majority of his jokes do tend to be just over the top offensive in more ways than one. It’s kind of his thing. And I mean really, to go to a Tosh comedy show and then complain you’re offended by something he said… that’s like getting front row seats to a Gallagher show and complaining that you got watermelon on your shirt.
BUT, as for the idiots who have started yelling at everyone who disagrees, I make no apologies for them, and yeah I hear you – at the VERY least Tosh should probably come out and say something like “I don’t apologise for my joke, but I apologise for the reaction it’s gotten. This has gotten out of hand”. I think he’s responsible for how this whole thing has gone down, so he should accept said responsibility and step up.
This all said, though, as a side question, I know you said you believe his (Tosh’s) joke is part of rape culture because of how people have responded to it (which I understand). But how do you feel about people taking offense to everything like, for example, when The Oatmeal did that comic “humanizing” all the keys on a keyboard and showed… one of them, I forget which one, as a victim of spousal abuse basically.
I didn’t think it was funny, really, and frankly he’s capable of a lot better, but I still kind of think people reacting so OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT is a little weird. Your thoughts?
Right. I want to make it clear that I don’t think Tosh is a bad person. I know he can’t be held responsible for every asshat out there. But, because of his influence, I think he has a responsibility to the audience to be careful. That doesn’t mean he can’t use his brand of humor or never say anything offensive, but 1) it’s important that we take ownership of our rhetoric, and 2) it’s important that WE allow for discourse on the subject.
It’s a hard subject to tackle, because it really isn’t black and white. Ironic performance CAN be effective. The rise of Stephen Colbert is an excellent example of this. But the only way it works is in a world where you know your audience well enough, and tailor the presentation explicitly to them.
RE: Oatmeal… I don’t know, I’d have to see the reaction, and how people interacted during it. I tend to measure whether or not there’s redeeming value in something like that based on the quality of engagement afterwards. Irony and humor are effective catalysts, but if we’re not engaging after the fact, it’s shock for shock’s sake, and then it’s trivialization. Does that make sense?
Well, in terms of quality of the engagement, he did come out and wholeheartedly apologised a couple of days after the fact. But beyond that, it was pretty bleh from both sides. I do get what you’re saying about how offensive just to be offensive is trivializing (and, frankly, boring), but in this case I think the idea was just he was saying we abuse the hell out of that one key by pressing it all the time. Something like that, I honestly don’t remember it in full rofl.
Anyway, thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I know you’ve got like 2353252 comments on here to get to, so I won’t take any more of your time. I appreciate your points, as well – I’ll definitely keep it all in mind 🙂
And thank you for the civil and pleasant dialogue 🙂
This was the kind of dissourse I was looking to see on this subject. Personally I am of the belief that someone can make comedy out of any topic and subject. I will never back down on that belief. Even social censorship of any art form, including comedy, I find deplorable. One of the many purposes of comedy in is to create a safe environment to express fears after all. I have no idea of even who this Tosh person is, so there is nothing I can say about that subject, but I however have personally taken flak for sharing diffrent things I have enjoyed because of my more morbid sense of humor, at other places. Saddly it seems the argument on what should be “acceptable humor” tends to devolve into people margenalizing each other based on their beliefs that their personal experiences are more important then everyone elses.
I want to be clear. I am not advocating anyone be “censored.” I’m asking that we, as individuals, evaluate whether we think that’s funny (which, frankly, it’s not. Not even close), and speak with our wallets. That’s not censorship. It’s consumer advocacy. And really – if you can read the survivor stories on this thread and tell me they deserve to be the butt of a joke – I don’t know what to tell you.
From rantagainsttherandom’s reply to your post:
“Tosh is capable of much better.”
That is a fucked up claim.
Wow I did not even know this type of horrific thing existed. I thought this was about all those women that talked about having been raped not this horrible thing. I’m just shocked thank you for sharing though and teaching us about it.
Rape Culture is NOT just Athletes. I know this for a fact. It happens in big towns, small towns, College and High School. It happened to me. It is devastating. The “responsible adults” sweep it under the rug. They are morons.
You’re absolutely correct. Rape can and does happen in all settings – and often in environments where we typically feel safe (see: pervasiveness of date and acquaintance rape). I focused on athletics here because it was relevant to a current topic, the stats on the matter are pretty scary, and it’s disturbing to see such concentrated rates in activities that are supposed to teach integrity, teamwork, discipline and more. But rape culture manifestations are deplorable in every form and scenario. I am so sorry you were forced to endure that. Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
Thank you for bringing this back to the current case/news. I’d always heard of the “major events” in Athletic sexual assaults but the sheer list of continuous assaults is nauseating, ( I don’t use twitter/instagram so I hadn’t seen that photo, blech).
TL;DRThis was a good honest entry that wasn’t bullshit for attention or links. Thank you
I see that you are focusing on a certain topic, but within that “topic” two athletes were involved, not a group of athletes; two does not a group consist. As a male athlete who was raped by a non-athlete woman, it is especially vexing when people equate rape, in any sense with athletics. Because you are able to coordinate your bodily movements better than some of your peers does not make you a rapist. Because you are a man does not make you a rapist.
I would appreciate it if you would please change your wording from “Rape culture is a group of athletes” because that statement is simply false, and anything following thus voided by the irrational logic of the statement that precedes it.
Let me first say that I am very sorry for your suffering. Rape is never acceptable. I applaud your bravery in discussing your experience, and agree that gender does not dictate capacity for sexual violence.
In terms of the refrain, it was a deliberate choice, and I’m surprised it hasn’t been talked about yet. When I say “group,” it is to infer culpability to the group that stood by and did nothing while the attack took place, did not call the authorities, and would not come forward. They facilitated the crime, they furthered her suffering. The ultimate act was conducted by the two young men, but the rape culture that radiated from the situation was not just a product of the rapists’ actions.
To be entirely fair, I’m open to hearing additional perspectives on this subject. The goal was to start this conversation, so let’s have it.
It might be worth noting here that the issue with athletes is not inherent to playing sports or to being athletic. It is a cultural system where athletics are prized so highly by a community that the athletes themselves become stars–as we saw in this case. We can list too many cases where football or basketball stars have eluded prosecution or punishment for everything from violence, to drug use, to domestic violence and rape. I am guessing that athletes in less popular sports get away with far less–of course this will depend on the community.
And, while only two young men were charged, there were more than two members of the ‘Rape Crew’. This was the first on-camera incident (that we know of). This was not the first incident. Otherwise, why the name? And if one were to suppose it’s just a bravado thing . . . proudly calling ones peers “The Rape Crew” again points to a Rape Culture.
And in the military… basically a whole lot of people don’t want to know or be made uncomfortable.
http://www.npr.org/2013/03/20/174756788/off-the-battlefield-military-women-face-risks-from-male-troops
How about your own family sweep it under the rug?
Leaves you feeling very confused about “Family” “Love”
“Emotional Support” “Trust”
It sucks when it happens at home – check out my post on confronting rape culture in our own backyard. I can’t even put into words how hard it is.
Excellent post. Reblogging this to my Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/whee71
I’ll probably talk about this all day. I do wish however you talked about how men are raped too and their proverbial “masculine card” would be revoked if they ever came forward. I appreciate you so much for talking about this though, it needed to be said.
This is so, so true, and part of a conversation I was having today with a male friend who had been date raped. I’m actually working on another post that will talk about it a little more. It doesn’t matter the gender of the aggressor – rape is disgusting, and rape culture revolting.
What baffles me is that men don’t see THIS aspect of rape culture and what it has done to them. I usually don’t care much for the “male victim” derail in a rape discussion about male on female rape, however- when we discuss rape culture, I believe it’s a VERY valid thing to go into. I don’t believe I have ever read a female on male rape case that wasn’t LOADED with jokes, and the comment section full of more jokes and ridicule- and god forbid the attacker be attractive. (Which we also sometimes see in the male on female rape cases as well.)
I have been thinking on it from that perspective- not so much trying to put myself in the heteronormative male mindset, because I can’t, but when I look at that, or I look at the way they respond to male on male rape- it becomes VERY clear how deeply invested the culture is in rape culture itself and how oblivious many of them are to how damaging it truly is to everyone: it isn’t just women who are harmed by it, though we do get the lion’s share. Consider also- I mean, we KNOW the full damage all of this denigration of women does. We KNOW how it impacts us as women. Psychologically, though, more than a message of rape as acceptable, the message goes even further in objectification- and implied weakness: so much so that we’re not just telling men that women are lesser and are a stealable commodity- we’re also telling them that being in any way feminine is to be that. We’re telling them that to be raped is to be feminine, and ergo- if it happens to them (You could also throw homophobia in there, too- because I think that is also a result)… It’s a big, sick rabbit hole when you really get down to it.
Rape is an act of war. It is designed to dehumanize, to objectify, and to cause fear. It happens to men, women and children in many forms. It should be punished as a murder ~ because it is! Just with rape the victim is alive and has to walk around with it for the rest of their lives. We must all come together and protect each other…girlfriends should watch out for each other ~ in my youth at least one of us agreed to stay fairlly sober and look out for each other. There is no excuse for rape and until it is conquered we must all be viligent. Parents and friends need to look out for each other and to the best of our ability take care of each other, provide safer parties, teach our kids to the have the courage to stop or call the cops or to do something. Educate that these are not games, they are not entertainment, these are humans being hurt. And rapist must be treated as the worst type of criminal ~ even in prisons they are spit upon.
Yes please, talk about it from a gender nuetral stance, when it happened to me I could even get a complaint filed (it was years ago-my employer that rapist) I was ridiculed, I was humiliated, I felt less a person of worth, and more, worth less. I was ridiculed by much of my family and called a liar. I’ve never committed and act of violence to a woman, and can’t see a time I ever will; however everytime I experienced ridicule, humilation, or denial, I felt raped all over again. So yes, please talk about MORE.
I would love to read Your article on this subject very much. Whenever I come across any post like this, the issue that Men are victims of rape is always brought up, and is quite often shot down neglected and swept aside. The times it has not there have been promises of separate posts but I personally have never seen any results from these problem, quite frankly, and crudely it just seems like nobody has the ballz to actually to put their pen where heir mouth is, so to speak.
If there is an issue of finding good case studies I would recommend New Zealand where women raping men is a more prevalent occurrence.
Can we not start with the “but what about the men?” shit, please?
Most rape–certainly not all, but the vast, VAST majority of rape–is committed by men, against women. And I seriously doubt a man who goes to the police to report his rape will be asked what he was wearing, how much he’d been drinking, why he didn’t say “no” enough times, or otherwise blamed for being raped.
As a male who was molested by women on three different occasions I would like to talk about it. Is it uncommon? Maybe. But we don’t know how common or uncommon it is as it is rarely reported. We can continue to ignore it and say it doesn’t happen though if that would suit you though.
No he’ll just be laughed at, patted on the back and told to go home. That a bad one night stand wasn’t rape, and how can a guy be raped. I’m not sure how asking to acknowledge that men can and are raped to is “shit”.
Please tell me how what happened to me is any less horrendous then what happens to women. Because they’re both terrible.
While you are clearly right that there is a double-standard facing women who are victims, and that women are victims more often than men, let’s not pretend that men being raped is not worthy of discussion. There are plenty of people guffawing on various social media venues about “how these boys will get theirs in prison!” and such nonsense. Nobody (man or woman, boy or girl) should be raped. Ever. Under any circumstances.
My point is that prison rape, and the rape of men is still rape. It’s still a part of rape culture. To downplay any aspect of rape culture as being irrelevant or unimportant, or to demean it with such comments as “Can we not start with the ‘but what about the men?’ shit” serves only to reinforce the very real worries that were brought up throughout the post.
If you believe rape culture is isolated to male on female rape, you are an idiot. Men are raped by women and by other men all the time. But they’re told that they can’t be raped. They’re laughed at, ridiculed, told to stop making a big stink, etc. etc. etc. The discourse is the same. It’s a discourse that ridicules the victim, invalidates their experiences, etc.. And by sitting here and trying to tell people to stop bringing it up in a discussion about rape culture IS RAPE CULTURE at work.
Congrats. You’re a participant.
Just to clarify: the comment above was meant for Stump, not for rantagainsttherandom. I realize the latter was in no way making the argument. Stump certainly was.
Gotcha. Ah, the perils of approving comments in the backend of a CMS without nested threads for context….
From an ally… and a straight, male, 2-time victim, both of them at female hands:
IT IS NOT “BUT WHAT ABOUT THE MEN SHIT” thank you. So no, it can’t stop either. And there would probably be a lot MORE allies, a lot more men stepping forward to lend their voices, if they felt more like they weren’t also going to be attacked by shit like your comment.
And, incidentally – yes, the men are blamed. In some of those ways (how much they’d been drinking is one, why he didn’t say no enough is another) – and in others (what sort of wimp are you; you must be gay or you’d have liked it; etc). And of course, plain old disbelief and dismissal, because of course men aren’t raped. Or beaten. And especially not by women.
Yes, the majority of rapes are men against women. And in numbers, that’s the most under-reported crime in America. And in percentages, the most under-reported is rape of men by women. I found out why… the hard way.
So actually.. you’re right. Let’s stop making it about the men. Let’s start making it about the action, the crime, no matter who commits it, and against whom. All victims are victims, all rapists are rapists – and I don’t give a shit about the plumbing of either one.
Now: attack away. Quite honestly, I expect it, which is why I never comment to discussions like this. But I think it’s time I start again.
(Ms Nelson, you don’t know me; I only found this blog by complete accident. I hope you’ll forgive this, and hope you’ll allow it to post. But honestly, I felt it needed saying. And many thanks to you and to Stephanie and frostforsetti79 and others for commenting on this aspect of it, and in such a positive and aware manner. I look forward to that upcoming post you mentioned.)
We’re in agreement.
@Rant: I really enjoyed your original post, and I was not objecting to that. Rather, my comment was a direct response to Stump Beefgnaw’s comment, which is why I quoted a portion of that comment… What I found objectionable, as I said above, was the “Can we not start with the ‘but what about the men’ shit, please?” comment. Sorry for any confusion.
Gotcha, my bad – backend confusion in the approval. Rock on.
Although it goes outside the scope of the post, the suppression of male rape is so complete and pervasive as to obliterate even the possibility of its existence. In doing so, it contributes to the overarching idea of rape culture in that it seeks to force men into the mindset that they should always enjoy or be seeking out unrestrained indulgences of both their sexual urges and the underlying power-over/subjugation urges that drive what rape is really about. The culture perpetuates itself and traps people of both sexes into their respective roles.
Underneath it all is victimization and dehumanization that is vile no matter someone’s gender. And it needs to stop. Anyone sick of hearing about rape culture should be busting their humps to make it go away.
Agree that ‘what about men’ derails discussion unhelpfully, given rape statistics and the reality of gender politics. However, just to clarify, most men who are raped do indeed face a huge amount of aggressive and victim-blaming questioning when they report a rape, and often serious harassment, homophobia, and other forms of discrimination. Victim blaming is an ungendered aspect of rape culture, though the statistical reality of rape and assault is highly gendered.
And I seriously doubt a man who goes to the police to report his rape will be asked what he was wearing, how much he’d been drinking, why he didn’t say “no” enough times, or otherwise blamed for being raped.
No, he’ll just be given high fives (by the cops, by his dad, by schoolmates) for having “gotten laid” at 13, and accept them in a stupor brought on by first the event, and then the dismissal of it.
He’ll be told (by her friends) that he’s “being unfair” to her by talking about it. Sometimes with a side order of accusations of “slut shaming” for “playing kiss and tell”.
He’ll be told (by his friends) that he’s “demeaning rape” by referring to what happened to him by that term.
Oh, hey look. And here you are. Telling us that … what term are you going to use today? Are we “derailing”? Is what happened to us just too rare to matter?
I would rephrase that to say most rape is committed by men. As is most violence. That doesn’t mean women aren’t guilty or that it isn’t a topic worth discussing but in this context of this article, it’s not particularly helpful to be “what about x, y, z”. Rape culture is a curse on both genders for a vast quantity of reasons. There is a rape culture that says men can’t be raped or that men don’t get raped. A strong mental disconnect. I do think it’s a topic worth pursuing and bringing to light as part of rape culture, not separate from it.
Men are ridiculed with equal or worst cruelty. They are demasculinized and humiliated by the police as are women. To discredit the pain of men is lessen our abilty as humans to come together and conquer the mindset that destroys lives and souls.
Stump – your comment perpetuates the idea of women and victims and men as the one’s with the power. Gender bias makes it harder for men to report rape – so we really don’t know if the VAST majority of rape is male against female. That is a huge part of rape culture and a huge part of the discussion. Men can be victims. You really think that a homosexual male isn’t going to be asked what he was wearing, how much he’d been drinking, why he didn’t say “no” enough times, or otherwise blamed for being raconsensualped? Or how about individuals who argue that the victim was able to get an erection and therefore it must have been consensual? Don’t play the rape only happens to women game. Rape is something that happens to both genders. Rape is something that is done by horrible people – and both genders. We need to talk about all aspects of this culture openly – otherwise we shut out an entire gender’s perspective because rape culture is only about them being aggressors.
Rape is Rape regardless of if the victim/survivor is a male or female. There shouldn’t be any difference in what we consider to be rape based on the sex of the victim/survivor.
I understand what you’re saying, and normally in a conversation about rape I might agree with you – however, we’re talking about rape culture, and the harmful views that society has concerning male rape is part of rape culture, too. This article was specifically about the Steubenville rape trial, so I don’t know how appropriate it is to casually mention “oh, and by the way, men also get raped” at the end of it or something, but in a conversation about rape culture, men absolutely have a place in it, because they’re part of it. Rape culture doesn’t just apply to female rape victims.
To everyone else – I would urge you to realize that not every conversation about rape that doesn’t specifically mention male rape means that the author doesn’t care, or acknowledge, that it happens.
Yeah, the reason that I didn’t get told that by the police was that a female raping a male wasn’t a crime in the country where it happened. The vast majority of rape victims are under 50, shall we ignore the suffering of those raped in aged care institutions too?
Um we get that, and quite a bit ..I won’t say more, I would say a different type of ridicule. Yes, the vast VAST majority of Rape is male to female, but to deny that it isn’t as an important part of this discussion is, in my mind, as insensitive as the group not thinking to stop the rape of that young woman. Rape is violence. That’s it make absolutely no sense to deny or minimize it. It is violence on the dignity and personal sense of self. No matter the sex or gender identification of the victim.
I’m not sure how to start this response… I have no particular patience for the “woe is men” angle, especially not when it’s brought up by those men who have never been a victim of any such act simply to deflect from the fact that women are the majority of victims.
I also don’t want every single discussion to end up revolving around men, and that really does seem to be a valid concern. Almost every discussion I’ve seen on this issue does have the obligatory guy bringing it up, so I can understand how frustrating it must be.
That said, I don’t think this reaction is ultimately helpful, and I know it shouldn’t be on you to handhold people through this, but if someone’s first encounter with this discussion, when they finally feel like they can open up to someone about what they’ve faced, is, ‘can we not start with the “but what about the men?” shit, please?’ then they’re not going to look at the feminist community as allies. If anything, they’re more likely to turn to the “men’s rights” groups and drink in their bullshit.
Speaking from my own experience, I’ve never been raped, but I’ve been pretty appallingly abused, both mentally and physically. It could be argued that the physical was self inflicted, but it was really just an extension of the mental abuse. You could also argue that the mental abuse was an extension of abuse that she’d faced at the hands of previous boyfriends, and I’d agree with that.
I’ve never admitted that to my “manly” male friends, because I don’t want to be mocked to death, but I did once bring it up in a discussion about abuse with a feminist group and got something very similar to your response. I understand it now, but I did not then. Now I am a feminist, now I want to see rape culture and every scrap of gender inequality die and leave nothing but a historical warning. Then, I very nearly swung the other way, and if not for my girlfriend at the time helping me to understand it, and my own tendency to reject my knee-jerk reactions, I could have found myself won over by the MRAs.
I know an example of taking the other route. To the best of my knowledge, he has never faced abuse or rape. He claims to have been falsely accused of rape… I’m not sure what to think of that, but since I would have had no way of finding out that he’d been accused, I have a hard time believing he’d bring it up if it wasn’t false. This might be a mistake on my part. I hope not. Because of the reactions he’s had to various questions he’d brought up, such as the ever popular question of what a woman did to provoke a rape (I’ve explained to him that blaming the victim is not a good way to get a calm response, and he seemed to understand this one.) he is of the opinion that feminism is dogmatic and anti-male.
He’s an otherwise rational and skeptical person, but turns into a fallacy machine whenever the topic of feminism comes up, which is increasingly often as he’s currently campaigning to convince those around him that feminism is not only misguided but actually evil. I’ve tried persuading him otherwise, but he believes me to be uneducated on the issue, and compares me to a kindly, liberal school teacher who calls himself a nazi.
This should not be on you, like I said, you shouldn’t have to handhold people through it, but I think that more patience is needed with those who bring up male victims of rape and abuse. Are they muddying the waters? Yes. Should we let men dominate the discussions with our own issues? No, absolutely not. Are they all genuinely trying to add to the discussion? No. Are they even helping support rape culture in some cases? Quite possibly so. But giving a blanket brush off doesn’t help. I know I have inadvertently supported rape culture in the past, and I understand now why the response I got was not a sympathetic one but a dismissal, but we can’t expect all men who make that same mistake and receive that same response to have the right people around them to help them, or the inclination to come to understand the reason why that response is justified.
As it is, I know a lot of highly rational men who are not feminists, who react with disdain toward feminism, and imply that I support feminism because I’m trying to impress “some bird,” and not because it’s the right thing to do. I want to see all of them on our side. Not just because it’s the right thing to do for women, or because it’s the rational thing, but because it’s the right thing to do for men as well, but I think that this sort of response, justified though it is, is holding some of them back.
Yes men are raped, all the time in fact. Sadly when a man says anything about being raped, he is ridiculed. What I don’t understand is a what age does this perspective change? If a thirteen year old boy is raped, a few will giggle if done by a women, all hell breaks loose if its a man. But that same thing at 20…whole different story, and my heart breaks for those men because of the reactions of others. Why does age change this so much? I know there cannot be a rational reason because there you cannot rationalize rape, but can someone explain to me why our society laughs at adult male rape victims? I what to know to be able to change this train of thought in my children because it is wrong. Rape is Rape, no matter the sex of the victim or the sex of the perpetrator.
I can’t answer your question completely, but from my perspective, and a humble one at that, the young can be victims because they they aren’t expected to be able to “take care of themselves” meaning fight the rapist off, whereas a full grown male is.
What a powerful blog, thank you for writting this, i hope we are able to keep this conversation in the public eye, and in particular i hope more men have conversations with young boys about these pressing issues.
Rape culture hurts all of us.
What I feel also is the issue is: this sense of entitlement people feel they have over others. In the case of Steubenville, the boys felt this entitlement over this girl 1. because she could not say ‘no’ 2. because sports and its “necessity” removes the humanity from people. Societies, seriously, seriously, need to rethink their priorities. Last time I checked, a young woman being safe to walk wherever she wants at night without fear of being assaulted is more important than a child’s game (it extends far beyond the Steubenville case, but it’s an example)
^^^ +1×1000
a scary figure:
Well said.
To be clear, it (football) is not a child’s game. Children play football, sure. The same way they play cops and robbers, and cowboys and indians, and make no mistake – they learn the same things playing football that they learn playing those “other” things. Not ALL of the things they learn in any case are bad: but to see football as a root cause is to miss the point of what we mean when we target culture. Sports are not the disease, or even the symptom. The culture is the disease, and the misplaced exaltation of sport is the symptom.
I don’t believe that football, in and of itself, is evil. Sports can and do teach students a great deal of positive lessons – I played sports as a kid, and it was a great experience. I DO think that when communities prioritize the success of their athletic teams over the safety of their kids, there’s a problem. And statistically speaking, athletic teams have been one of the worst offenders in perpetuating rape culture (see the research piece linked to above). Sports on their own are not offensive, but I would argue that the pervasiveness of rape culture elements within their broader athletic culture is worthy of additional scrutiny.
As a queer butch woman, I have often been regarded as “one of the guys.” Over the years, I have been present when guys “talk pussy.” This is usually with men that I would otherwise regard as “great guys.” It is shocking to discover that guys I have held in high regard will refer to women as “cum buckets, pieces of ass,” etc.
NOWHERE has this more prevalent than in my high school football locker room. I played on the guys team. While I realize that this was mostly guys putting up a macho front, and behaving in the ways they were socialized to believe they should act, that is exactly the problem. The fact that men are taught and encouraged to objectify women and to believe that they exist solely to satisfy their sexual urges is what underlies much of “rape culture.” I believe this culture becomes intensified in any organization that highly values traditional ideas of masculinity (sports, military, etc).
After an away football game, I was confronted by a group of opposing team members who attacked me and told me they were “going to make me like dick.” This is referred to as “corrective rape.” I fought and ran, and thankfully they did not succeed. The look on my teammates faces when I boarded our bus with a torn shirt, scratches and tears was that of pure horror and shock. I don’t think that before that moment, they had ever considered the consequences of the culture.
@rant: football = rape culture. you’re a feminist. we know. get over it.
Damn straight I’m a feminist. But no, football is not the equivalent of rape culture. Get a clue.
Let me rephrase you think football = rape culture. Silly feminist you’re funny.
Silly troll, you can’t read, can you?
Yes football is actually mostly evil.
We teach people to not develop their minds because they can make more money being neanderthals and giving one another brain trauma and education be damned because I got a new sports car and a hot girlfriend. That is football in a nutshell and the odd culture that supports that football stars are not given passes on violence related crimes because they are local heroes but also given passes on all sorts of crimes like car accidents they caused to speeding tickets to brawls which for us NON-athletes is called felony assault and battery.
Let’s clarify. Football isn’t evil. Elements of its culture are.
@JJ: Thank you so much for sharing with us. I honestly was waiting to hear from some one with your perspective. I personally have that aspect of male bonding the most disturbing myself. I treat those situations very differently than most. I tend to ingage in farce and paraody of that kind of behavior displayed by other men. That usually is because others tend to be shocked and discomforted when I turn it around describing the reverse of the normal concept, usually bringing everyone elses good time to a screeching halt. Until they get to know me.
The very fact that young men in our culture tend to not even be able to concieve how a man could be the submissive partner in a relathionship, I believe has some part definitely to play in Rape Culture. It definitely stems from our predefined gender roles.
^^^This times a million. I run. I’ve been told to not wear tank tops while I run because it could lead to me being assaulted.
Yes that’s the culture we’re living in, and I will do all I can to try and avoid becoming a victim..
BUT WHY IS THIS OKAY?!
I have to admit, I’m a little dismayed at you defining rape culture as just applying to athletes. I’m going out on a limb here but I’m guessing that there are many more rapes committed by non-athletes than athletes every year. I understand the recency of the Ohio rape case but singling out one group hurts the message about the wider culture.
Again, if you read the full piece, I don’t define rape culture as an athlete-exclusive phenomenon. Quite the opposite, actually. The first half deals with Steubenville 1) because it’s recent, and 2) because it’s startling in how revolting the details are, but the second half deals with politics, advertising, media, and more. I do not “single out” athletes, but there is research that suggests that athletic clubs frequently engage in cover-ups. It’s not an attack on athletes to say that; it’s a call for us to examine why it happens, and stop it.
Yea wow.
I can’t begin to use words to describe how inaccurate your narrow and limited perception of what ” is ” and ” is not ” ‘rape’.
You seem only to sensationalize and serve the public media agenda to create a monopoly of what defines ‘rape’. And here we are, on a website called ‘rantagainsttherandom’ debating the subjective matter of a single word.
Humans are a species of ‘story tellers’, have you noticed ?
Rape is to deny another of their stories, or their dreams and desires.
We can’t marginalize ‘rape’ to one specific category, because to do so would give the authorization to such a small group of people to determine what ” is ” or through negative averment ” is not ” rape. So lets go there, and say that i’ve raped you of your opinons in the latter article you wrote…
This media coverage of ‘rape’ is in essence to deny the stories of everyone, and I mean EVERYONE of their own story. Lets not begin to mention that Wall St wants to rape everyone of their rights to resources. Or that Amazon Tribes are now being RAPED of their homes so Private Corporations who speak foreign languages can come demolish acres and acres of abundant flourishing Rain Forest that provides the ecosystem with the eutrophication.
Or that for the better part of the past 200 some years now Native Indigenous people of the America’s have been RAPED of their cultures, and denied the rights of their heritage via naturalization .
Rape is NOT reserved for one specific gender as you would define in your words a ‘culture’. I hope this serves as an eye opening experience for some of your readers, as well as yourself.
So tell me, how do you plan to stop ‘rape’ ?
I wish I could reply to Matthew Micheal Hackney, but the appropriation of the word rape to apply to so many things that it is NOT, namely anything that isn’t a violent sex act… is extremely disrespectful of those who have endured violent sex acts. People do horrible, horrible things to one another, yes, we all understand that, but to misconstrue and mislabel these acts does not do any good to anyone. The only thing the careless use of the word “rape” to describe various acts that have nothing to do with rape does is give rape survivors flashbacks and generally make people (WHO HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN RAPED) uncomfortable.
Lauren:
Actually, Matthew Michael Hackney makes completely legitimate use of the word rape in this case. The archaic definition of rape is to seize and take away by force, according to Webster’s. It probably grew to mean sexual assault because sexual assault involves taking away someone’s sexual innocence by force. When we speak of rape in that way, we of course think of a horrible act. The acts which Michael described are equally horrific. That his use of the word rape could make someone uncomfortable is exactly to the point, because you should feel uncomfortable about the atrocities happening to other people in other places on your behalf.
When the word is tossed around casually in a joke, or used by high schoolers to describe how they feel after walking out of a test, your message is completely to the point. Rape is not a word that should be used so flippantly. Both your comment and Michael’s demonstrate a respect for the power held by the word.
Lauren:
I must disagree with your definition of rape as “a violent sex act”.
Violence is not always present in rape. Some rapes are violent, but others are not.
Violence does not necessarily equate to bruises and cuts. To violate the body of another is a violent act.
People are just nitpicking and trying to illegitamize the piece. It’s a perfect example of what you describe to begin with. A lot of this is relatable to the military and you could substitute the word “athletes” with just about any group of people; “Marines,” “college students,” etc. Your points are very clear. The people who don’t get it are the ones who are narrow-minded.
But in the case where athletes are involved, you usually see a concerted effort to defend the rapist, blame the victim, and cover up the crime. This is where I feel the “culture” part comes in. Like when OJ was found not guilty. People cheered, even though the evidence was against him, because he was a cherished, former athlete. Or when church abuse victims are threatened and ostracized for coming forward and tarnishing the reputation of a priest.
^^ THIS.
Which is exactly why the time is so perfect now for people within the culture (like players in the NFL) to come forward and take a stand against sexual and domestic violence. They have the power to redefine their culture. I’m not holding my breath on this happening, but with football featuring so heavily in this case, they could really sieze the moment here…
Just want to point out that people cheered OJ going innocent because it was nice to know a rich, privileged black man can get the same justice as rich, privileged whites have been getting in America since its founding.
It was poetic justice more than real justice. And yada yada what about the lives lost….sorry people die every day. Some things, like legacies of racism that affect millions, are worth more.
I’m a little dismayed by all these men showing up in here to lecture women on what rape and rape culture is and isn’t, so I guess we’re even.
It’s true. Men can never know what it is like to be raped. Never happened before, ever. You are right to say that it’s tiring, seeing all these men with opinions on what rape is and is not. That totally doesn’t fit in line with traditional rape culture or anything. We should all focus our rage strictly at men, because they are the only problem. It has nothing to do with the underlying social systems we have set up.
Anonymous pwned.
Reblogged this on SpaceFriday and commented:
We’ll never be deserving of future space travel if we can’t get some basics down here on earth.
Amen, amen
I have some issues with this- what I see is list of sexist travesties that are all grouped under “rape culture” when, really, what we have a culture of capita-patriarchy where rape is one of the side-effects. I think we need to talk about why rape is so prevalent- but to try to encapsulate all of culture as if the goal of it to violate women is inflammatory, oversimplified, and wrong.
This conversation is meaningless when we can’t see rape in the terms of the rapist. I think the victims perspective gets very little attention, but every conversation we try to have about it shuts down when we start asking the question “why do some men rape women?” then, we get lists like this that show all the other bad thing we do to women, but make no causal link. Yeah, it is about the most evil thing you can do to cover up a rape so that a boy can continue to play sports- but pointing that out does nothing to answer the question “why?”.
I think we need to recognize a few things- the stand-by line of “Rape isn’t about sex, it’s about power” is cliche and mostly false. Some rape is about power, but some is about sex- and some rape is about getting sex from people you have power over. We need to recognize that we have a dysfunctional conversation about sexuality in america, and that includes our discussion of rape and precludes us from making any progress.
what we need more than passion and motivation to prevent rape is a desire for a good, honest, coherent discussion about what is going on- and this article repeating “Rape Culture” ad nauseum isn’t going to do it. I think a better way might be to ask some questions, seek real answers, and avoid emotional hyperbole (not that there is any above, I just notice that good dialogue about rape INSTANTLY gets derailed when someone mentions the emotional pain of victimhood they personally experienced or saw a friend/family member go through). I get called anti-feminist, I hold back my thoughts because I don’t want to appear unsympathetic, because I don’t instantly cater to the emotional needs of rape victims- but I’m not.
Saying things like “we need to see things in the term of the rapist” shouldn’t get me flamed, but I suspect they will. Any other phenomena, we would seek to understand the motives of the agent- and we should here too, but the people seeking to do that (if there are any besides myself) get drowned out by people broadcasting their vitriol.
In sum, I think we need to be more clear about how we talk about this, I think we need to struggle and face some really uncomfortable truths, and I think we need to avoid simplifying things. “Rape Culture” and “teach men not to rape” are meaningless buzzwords we should avoid. We should talk about these things, but simplification should be avoided.
Wow- thanks for taking the time to write such a nuanced and thoughtful comment. I’ll try to do it justice.
First off- you’re right. Rape culture is not the only problem plaguing society. The current moment calls us to analyze it; there is a captive audience on the subject, presenting a teaching moment. But at the end of the day, intersectionality tells us that oppression in all forms stems from establishing a hierarchy of human worth, so I’m with you. However, I will disagree that the instances here are “just” a list of sexist travesties – these examples were explicitly isolated because of their direct relationship to rape. If I’d wanted to do a post about general sexist culture, it would have been 50x longer.
I understand the desire for articulating a causal link to rape, but causal links for rape are specific to an individual. Maybe they were abused by someone as a child. Maybe they watched an adult abuse someone close to them. Maybe they are suffering from mental illness. However, a culture (represented here by examples indicative of a larger trend) which makes rape humorous or trivial or the fault of the victim lowers the stigma of the idea of sexual violence, which may change the risk calculus of the individuals making the decision to attack. Further, I would argue that – even absent a causal link – cultures of discrimination are empirically positively correlated with criminal trends tied to the victimized population (see: civil rights, LGBTQ hate crimes, etc.)
And I’m going to have to tell you that you are flat out wrong on rape, power, and sex. It’s not about sex. Even if the rapist is horny as hell, and that provides the initial desire for an attack, the ultimate decision to go through with it is made because the attacker believes that he/she can – that there’s a sense of entitlement for them to take what they want. THAT is about power; not sex. Sex may have precluded the determinations about entitlement and power, but the trigger is not sex.
Where we agree is that there needs to be a broad, complex, and sensitive conversation about why rape culture persists, but I feel like you’re biting your own argument with your exclusions. “Rape culture” is not a meaningless buzz word – it’s a term that is used to foster understanding of the social currents behind this problem. As far as “teaching men not to rape” is concerned – I actually believe that IS part of the solution, though not phrased that way. It’s about teaching EVERYONE (not just men – they can be victims, as well) that there is no acceptable form of sexual violence, that no means no, that inability to verbalize no does not mean yes, that rape is not funny, and that there are consequences for ignoring these facts.
This may SEEM like a stupid solution. After all, there aren’t many adults you talk to who say rape is a good thing (at least, let’s hope not). But also think about it this way – when was the first time someone defined rape for you? When was the first time you learned the proper steps to take after an attack? For many, it was some form of pop culture – like Law and Order SVU. It certainly wasn’t covered in school. I definitely never had a conversation about it with my parents. And when statistics show that 44% of sexual violence victims are under the age of 18, that lack of information is patently terrifying. (This is probably going to end up being another blog post altogether)
Bottom line: I’m all for nuanced conversation, but I feel like your comment falls victim to the very simplification you decry. (sorry for the approval flips – wanted to make sure it appeared with the response)
Yesterday, before I had seen this post, I posted on facebook that “Unless you have a really specific understanding of what you mean and wish to explain it to my most cynical interrogation- don’t use the phrase “rape culture” around me. It’s quickly becoming KONY 2013.”
and yeah, this is the depth we can talk about it without being trite.
I want to, shortly, defend my point on sex and power. It ties into my larger point about seeing rape from the rapists perspective, and I think also connects to your (to be honest, I think ill-informed) connecting of rapists to past abuse or mental health:
Some rape is solely about power- I can see that violent/stranger rape is about power, as well as rape that’s part of a system of domestic abuse. Date rape, intimate partner rape, marital rape- I think that sex and (for lack of a better term) horniness play a defining role there. I guess I think of it like this, from my years of pretending to be a lawyer. To commit a crime, prosecutors and investigators look for motive, opportunity, and intent. I think its a really good construct to consider, so I’ll talk about each in turn.
Motive is really what I’m talking about. What motivates a perp to rape? When we talk about Jerry Sandusky, we automatically assume it’s about desire, about his sexual attraction to young boys. That motivated him to create access to young boys and to train them to let him rape them and then not tell.
So what desire motivated these boys in Steubenville to rape this woman? I am ill-informed on the myriad social media posts (because, to be fair, the whole news coverage thing has been fairly disgusting. I can’t contribute to the case, so I think about other things. I’m being pragmatic, here- I can talk about rape theoretically, and talk about change on the macro scale, but when it comes to that particular victim and case, the liklihood of me getting good info is so small as to be disregarded) but I have to think they were motivated to rape her because they wanted to have sex (maybe not ever sex with her, but sex in general. Having once been a 17 year old boy, I can tell you that sexual desire doesn’t have to have a subject) for reasons that might include that they were attracted to her, that they were horny, that they sought the status associated with having sex, or that they were actually young psychopaths who did it for no good feeling for themselves, but simply because they could.
Occams razor says the answer that makes the least assumptions is typically the best one- so I’m going to think it is mostly likely the boys were attracted to her, saw a chance to have sex with her that required no effort, and took it. That would be the opportunity, the second part of the equation I mentioned. Beyond that, this is where we talk about privilege and power. The opportunity to have sex with a girl with no consent needed, no effort required, and no foreseeable consequences is a temptation some boys can’t resist. Should they have? Of course- but if we see the instance from their perspective, we see what went wrong. We see that the consequences weren’t apparent enough to dissuade them from action.
So what are those consequences? Well, the immediate one thinks of is criminal prosecution. If we want to talk about causes of rape culture, there are two here- we don’t enforce rape law well enough, and we don’t talk about it when we do. This, I think, is where sympathy for the victim (what I’ll call micro-issues[not to imply that they are small, but to imply that they are individual]) overtake the macro-issue of addressing cultural problems with rape. We don’t talk about rape prosecution, and we under-prosecute, because we want to make sure that victim feel control over their lives afterwards, because that helps with healing. I don’t have a solution to this conflict of micro and macro, but I think it needs to be identified.
The consequence we talk less about is more intangible. I hate using hippie-dippie words like Ubuntu, but we have to recognize that the heirarchy we place ourselves on is a divider. The consequence these boys didn’t consider is that by putting themselves in a position of power over this girl and then abusing that power, they are making themselves despots. They are missing the chance to become better, more loving, more happy people. More on this point in a bit, I want to address intent before I wrap up.
So now we get to intent- did these boys intend to harm this girl? I don’t think they did. I think they likely intended to humiliate her, or they were at least willing to do it to serve their own desires because they acted with the power to do so. There is a difference, I think, between intending to hurt someone and disregarding their pain. it’s the difference between aiming a gun at someone or just shooting wildly. This, I think, is important because by looking at rape from the rapists view, we find that it might be recontextualized: Sometimes, rape is not about violence, it is about selfishness.
Which leads me back to the point I wanted to end on. This article, nor nothing you have said, falls in with a lot of the commentary calling for the boys to get harsher sentences, but I think it’s relevant to mention. Rape is a crime, and should be a crime, because it causes real damage to people. It accosts our ability to feel safe, which is very important a persons full sense of well-being. However, we need to see that the wrongness of the act doesn’t come from the damage it does, but because of the disregard for that pain by the rapist.
That, the disregard itself, is what we should seek to cure- because it is the cause I’ve been seeking. We should teach men it is good to love people openly, honestly. We should do what we can to abolish these separations between people. We should teach what healthy sexuality is, so that children have a context of desire and joy, not shame and regret and pain. I think we need to complicate everyone’s understanding of humanity, we need to see more of people, of others. Stereotypes are simple, and if we try to teach a simple tenet that “all people deserve respect” we run further into that, and away from the truth that we all have to experience day to day.
What I think is that we need to celebrate difference and love each other more, even the wrong, the bad, the incomprehensibly evil.
I’m just replying here because of this: “But also think about it this way – when was the first time someone defined rape for you? When was the first time you learned the proper steps to take after an attack? For many, it was some form of pop culture – like Law and Order SVU.”
And I want to say it’s spot-on. When I was 13, my mother made me watch news coverage of a rape scene in a soap opera, making said newsrounds so people could cluck-cluck over the filth being shown on TV. She was bed-bound by this time and she yelled at me from across the house to turn on the TV and watch this news item (complete with the rape scene) so “you’ll know”. The irony was that her husband at the time (I can’t even bring myself to call him my step-father) was blustering and raging about how I shouldn’t be subjected to it, yadda yadda. I remember looking at him very confused, because HE was the one I was afraid of raping me. I wondered what he was trying to protect me from. I turned off the TV and hid in my room and avoided the whole thing as best I could.
I appreciate Zach’s thorough examination of power and sex. I am a strong believer that the two are intimately intertwined. I also appreciate the authors earnest response.
That said “rape culture” is in large part an incredibly patriarchal device that is leveraged to obscure much more prevalent cultural issues.
For both of you: Sex is complicated.
For the author: Rape is often about power, Rape is always about sex. Power has many forms, sex is an expression, so is news coverage.
On January 30th a 19 year old white man (highschool student) was let free of legal prosecution, yet no one outside that community is talking about it: http://open.salon.com/blog/tellingtosca/2013/01/30/ryan_romo_is_off_the_hook_in_dallas_rape_case Why is it that Steubenville is our case study? Sure, the coverage includes victim blaming, so does the Romo case. Why is Steubenville a major Internet darling, while Romo is just local news? People are calling for the athletes to be tried as an adults, and yet Ryan Romo isn’t tried at all.
Like Zach points out people commit crimes because they think they can get away with it. For the vast majority of people opportunity does not cause desire. If you need money and have an opportunity to steal without expecting repercussion you become a burglar. The expectation that culture is going to protect you doesn’t define the crime you commit, the thing action that fulfills your desires does. Even though, as people in other places have pointed out, the athletes could have gotten sex in other places the specific opportunity made it (they thought) the path of least resistance.
And, in case it wasn’t clear previously, this entire debacle is an intersection between media coverage of rape and race.
I haven’t been able to read all of the replies, so some may be like mine, but I guess I disagree with the people who talk about consequences. Zach writes “we see that the consequences weren’t apparent enough to dissuade them from action”, and goes on to talk more about deterrents like criminal prosecution. While that may be true, I don’t think focusing on deterring rapists with potential consequences. I think this only buys into the the “deterrence fallacy”, eg. that the threat of imprisonment deters criminals, that the death penalty deters from murder, that gun ownership reduces crime, etc. Most importantly, it only addresses opportunity, not the problem. Focusing on the legal consequences of rape isn’t nearly as harmful as victim blaming, but they are similar in that they both make assumptions based on false premises; “Rape wouldn’t happen if women covered up their bodies, if they didn’t drink in excess, if they didn’t walk in dark alleys” and “rape wouldn’t happen if people thought they’d go to jail for it” don’t fix the problematic desire to rape. Rape may always exist, but if we teach society what rape is, and not to do it ever, then we can at least outnumber rapists, rape apologists, and victim blamers with allies.
I absolutely think the consequences for rape should severe, as severe as rape itself. I want rapists and potential rapists to fear these consequences. I want victims to know that, should they chose to come forward, justice will be fair and exacting. But I don’t think we should talk about consequences like that’s going to be what saves us.
I’m from Stuebenville. If u want some insight, here goes…There are some perfectly decent guys in this area, who would never even think to do such a disgusting thing. However, there’s also groups of guys (always seem to come in groups) who hold certain “old fashioned” views about women that have devastating results. These views include things like “a respectable girl does not go off alone/drink with guys” or “want to have sex”, that a girl who can be coerced/tricked/drugged into having sex really “wanted” to which makes them “disrespectable” and thus “deserving” to have their “reputation” ruined. It’s all about appearances. These groups are prone to the view that guys who “pass up on an opportunity to get laid” are “idiots”. On the other hand, girls are pushing each other to have sex and perform sexual acts as young as 12 to “keep a guys’ interest”, which might seem counter-intuitive, but comes from this: “Girls should shut up and do what they’re told especially by men…Nice girls are passive” cultural view around here. Abstinence is considered the rule of thumb despite high teen pregnancy rates. But what does ne1 expect when marriage and babies are glorified while college is viewed as a long shot? Personally, I think all this comes from lingering prevalence of religious gender ideals even in the face of declining religiosity in the region.
There is also a strange and often sadistic competition for guys who are viewed to have any type of “worth” or “accomplishment”- probably related to the sever lack of job opportunities. And, yes… that starts in high school. Many want the hell out of here, but girls are not encouraged to find their own merits. The only real merits for boys are sports-related… or if they come from one of the families lucky enough to have the $ to give them some opportunity…like a house or ta send ’em off to college. I could tell many antidotal stories, even some personal ones, which would make your skin crawl. Trust me, this is first hand knowledge. Not to mention the political corruption in the area. We know it’s there. A few families run everything from the legal system to the schools. But none of us know what to do about it. Quite frankly, even writing that much about it here, could be risky if the wrong people came across it. Let’s hope they don’t. So, to answer the question…yes. They were trying to humiliate her in every way possible. Yes, they were trying to harm her. It’s the same thing and they knew it was the same thing. They just genuinely didn’t know that it was wrong, or that they would get into trouble for it. And yes, they thought it was funny. It was Schadenfreude, through and through.
Now mind you, let me re-clarify that these mentalities are not universal in this area, but rather more common than should ever be tolerated. And for this reason, I think that underplaying the motives of the people involved does a great disservice to the decent guys around here and to the good people who would not stand around and let something like this happen…esp. those who have stepped up and stopped this sort of thing in the past. However, I would ask that the rest of the world keep the pressure and attention on this area to make the changes needed. Please research and speak out about the things that are wrong here, because many of us are afraid to do so ourselves, or we don’t know how to even begin.
Thank you Zach for the insight. I couldn’t actually get through the majority of the blog because buzz words and oversimplifications annoy me as much as they seemingly annoy you. I’m glad to now have a more meaningful understanding of this issue
Great thread and definitely gave more nuance and depth to the discussion. I think you both made some good points. Zach, I think you hit the nail on the head about selfishness being one of the prime issues here. I think what makes rape so difficult to understand is that it’s hard to get why someone could do something that so disrespects and violates someone. And I think society jokes about it because it makes us so uncomfortable. If sexual urge were the only cause of rape, then a lot of men (and perhaps women) would be doing it all the time. The issue is, it’s not just about sex, it’s about a willful lack of compassion for someone else. I don’t want to sound sexist here, but there have been studies that show that men have a harder time feeling compassion and empathy. (Just the first of many articles I could find: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2273571/Why-men-harder-women-read-emotions-face.html) It’s something that they need extra special training on, which needs to come from parents and society. Unfortunately, society is made up of a great deal of people, some of whom find it difficult to talk seriously about this topic, perhaps because they lack compassion as well. Ultimately they are almost as guilty as the person who committed the original crime. I think we need to teach men to care and feel and put an end to the culture of masculinity that objectifies women, teaches men to be selfish, ruthless and take whatever they want.
Rape is a demonstration of brutal power over another individual committed because the rapist could and would.
Ultimately, rapist have no self-esteem. They are merely bullies escalated one step up. They attempt to bolster their failing pride by stealing from others to make themselves feel better about themselves and also so they can look powerful in the eyes of their buddies/competitors.
You may be as nuanced as you wish but, at heart, rape is committed by paltry people. Those who witness and do not help or those who cover-up the crime for the rapists’ sake are only sightly less paltry. All of these people are culpable and should be prosecuted. All should also receive counseling for their lack of empathy, lack of self-esteem and lack of courage.
Sports itself isn’t the problem. Cult of celebrity is the culprit here. That too speaks of low self-esteem. Just another way of draping one’s self in borrowed/stolen/reflected power.
While I desire severe punishment for rapists, I would also like to point out that each rapist puts a metaphoric noose about his/her neck for each rape committed. The sweetest revenge, for I am not above revenge, would be the rapist awakens to what he/she has done for that is when that noose will tighten.
Rapists doom themselves.
@Kay Allen: You assume rapists are missing something and need to fill a void. The reason you believe so, and indeed the only thing this line of thinking accomplishes, is to separate yourself and your ego from the rapist to not only shelter and protect yourself from the thought he/she may be the same as you, rational, sane and completely healthy, and selfish. This however also serves to bolster your own ego as you now feel superior to the rapist, very much same way and driven by the same reasons as the bullies you see as ‘paltry’ people. This way of thinking only serves to flatter the individuals whom harbor it, and is quite archaic Freudian and 20’s era beliefs. This will never get to the heart of the issues as to why rape and its approval happen, nor will ever find a a way to reduce remove or solve this problem.
Agreed.
I am in agreement with the author here Zach. While you raise some important points re: in depth discussion of overarching socialized norms and ‘causal’ links. I for one am ANGERED any time I hear someone refer to rape as ‘sex.’
For anyone who has ever been raped can tell you there is a very big difference between the two acts. Rape firmly stems from a desire for power and control and a culture which identifies women as acceptable objects for ridicule and ‘domination.’ It is a violent attack, a form of torture and a base violation of your person, whatever the residual causal motivation. And yet it is never treated as such. It is an act where rather than shaming the perpetrators we shame the victim, which is what we are talking about when we refer to ‘rape culture.’
It is for this reason the vast amount of victims do not come forward.
Having a frank and open conversation about motivations of perpetrators is undoubtedly a part of ‘teaching men not to rape.’ And in fact has been proven effective in many instances in the human trafficking arena, with ‘john schools’ proving an effective way to increase reporting and increased social awareness of the slave trade.
This said however, we must be very intentional with the language we use in discussion as for someone who has been violated in the most personal way possible would have strong objections to you referring to rape as sex, to considerations which classify the inherent ‘worth’ of their attackers above their own inherent worth as a person, (such as examples listed in the article above), denial, cover ups, victim blaming, victim shaming. These things occur unfortunately in ALL rape cases.
The pervasive nature of this crime means that yes we do need an in depth discussion of wider societal causes, however this does by NO MEANS equate to less sensitivity toward survivors.
Even the term ‘victim’ could somehow infer that survivors are somehow culpable as they are somehow ‘less, weak, or less able to protect themselves from attack.’ Rape is a sensitive multi-layered topic and the fact that the vast majority of rapists are known to those on whom they are inflicting damage is another serious layer for consideration. In that respect I agree that we should be asking why. For if ‘victims’ are our mothers, daughters, sisters, the perpetrators are or fathers, our brothers and our sons. Moving the conversation away from a discourse of personal shame or something taboo is undoubtedly the first step. Which is why I would like to thank the author and say that articles like this make me smile and feel empowered because people are standing up, refusing to be relegated to silence and refusing to accept the discussion as it stands.
Perhaps Zach, if you take a more sensitive tact you would gain a greater insight to the pervasiveness of the phenomenon under discussion. The experiences of survivors at the hands of the wider community are some of the most distressing instances. And rape is much more prevalent than you may realize. By being able to be honest about my own life experiences I have had many people come forward admitting ‘it happened to me’ colleagues, friends, peers, family, none of whom ever felt they were able to report the crime and often is something they would not speak about as they were shamed and ridiculed when they had confided in someone or the conversation had been shut down. None of these people received any justice. I wager that you would find a similar scenario in your own networks which would greatly disturb you if you were more intentional and empathetic with your choice of words. And if anyone’s voice should not be discounted in attempts to understand and therefore prevent rape occurrence it is the victim, the survivor.
In this sense ‘rape culture’ is not meaningless, we are talking about reframing the issue and disrupting the societal norm. This is how social change happens.
“Rape firmly stems from a desire for power and control and a culture which identifies women as acceptable objects for ridicule and ‘domination.’ ”
I just disagree with this.
Did you watch the leaked Steubenville tape there?
So your assertion is what Zach? CNN was right to lament the ‘ruined’ lives of the rapists as opposed to the victim in the Steubenville case? Also we know this is not an isolated occurrence. And we presume the parties involved would feel vindicated by the public coming to their defense.
Perpetrators are social deviants? And we should not presume they feel entitled and excused for their behavior by societal norms? As we may like to see this as correct, the experiences of many people in this forum would seem to prove otherwise.
Or are you implying it is some sort of biological urge which might cause a man to rape? If so, that is simply false.
There is quite extensive theorizing and study on the harmful psychological effects of desensitization to sexual violence and the framing of sex, gender and power and we can certainly agree that there lies multi-layered correlations between ‘sex’ and ‘power’ as concepts, we can also digress into theories that all sex concerns power to some degree. Perhaps for some rapists the act of rape is as you say simply an act of sex and this is their motivation. In saying that, for the victim rape is rape. It is without consent. The rapist therefore feels they have all the power and all the control in the act. They know this. Though they may claim otherwise, or try to convince themselves otherwise. This is, in my belief where the primary motivation ALWAYS lies. If he was somehow emasculated he may (in his mind) regain this notion of ‘masculinity’ through taking away the choice of another person.
Also you can see it in their eyes, in the attempts of any abuser to relegate someone to ‘victim’ status and make them believe they have power over said victim, so why fight.
As ever our primary concern should lie with the victim and for this reason we cannot refer to rape as an act of sex. Sex requires BOTH parties to consent.
@opposehumantrafficking: You read Zach’s comments completely, correct? At what imaginary point did he ever support these boys actions? Also I might add your very language implies the gender of the attacker and the ‘survivor’ ,as you put it, which is irrelevant in this broad of a discourse about rape. His generally does not, but you however assume the attacker must feel “emasculated” some how to rape. This is absurd and rules out plenty of rapes which do occur as simply a way to exert and abuse existing power over an individual such as a very twisted truant officer abusing his position to molest a High School Cheerleader. You miss the reason of why, because you believe it is caused by the assailant somehow missing something and wanting to fill a void. This is an irrational assumption. The simplest answer is that the person wishes to commit some sexual act to another individual with or without consent and then also perceives they can with little or no consequence, or they really don’t care about the consequence. Power is part of the equation but certainly not the only factor that needs to be considered.You assume that the rapist is someone who isn’t a sane and rational human being like yourself, that is your logical fallacy.
Also “denial, cover ups, victim blaming, victim shaming” DO NOT always happen with EVERY rape case and it will be impossibly hard to prove so sense so many cases of rape are not reported. You obviously have a very specific situation which comes to mind when you hear the word rape which does not fit every circumstance. Say for instance lets just think of a hypothetical situation of rape where a young woman gets drunk on her 21st Birthday and so decides to walk home alone. She later passes out in a dark alley falling unconscious in a pool of her own vomit. A homeless man then walks by and is shocked and frightened to find the young girl believing she is dead. He then rushes over to her and checks her pulse to thankfully find she is still alive. Doing so he can’t but notice how attractive she is without the puke. He drags her out of the puddle of her own bile and our would be good Samaritan realizes he could simply take this opportunity to quickly take the money out of her wallet and improve his own prospects, and after realizing this he comes to understand that he could take this opportunity to fulfill a very different need of his, considering how attractive she is to him, and the fact that he has not had a sexual encounter in several years. He quickly looks to see that nobody is watching and gives into his temptation pulling out a condom proceeding to get in a quickie and skedaddle before she awakes. She awakes the next morning having been raped by a creepy hobo in the night while her body was to busy dealing with the near deadly dose of toxins to allow her any fragment of consciousness during the event, and so she never discovers what exactly happened, but deep down still feels and knows something went horribly wrong, and she was violated. She never reports the incident because she has no clue as to what exactly happened.
Now please tell me if that fits your definition of rape? It definitely fits our legal definition. What if we switched the genders of the individuals? What if he only jacked off onto her face? what if instead of a young woman it was a young man? Do these situations fit your definition of rape?
Phluffy, are you by chance a male? Speaking in broad terms we are perhaps generalizing however it is safe to say well over 90% of rape victims are female and most rape perpetrators are male. To this end when we are speaking aout rape culture, gender is never irrelevant. Yes my opinions stem from personal experiences. I am also operating on the premise that most rapists are known to their victims. Which is supported. How many first hand accounts have you heard? Just curious. I have heard many many many. Unfortunately I have yet to hear a first hand account where some form of victim shaming, blaming or denial did not occur which is why I make the statement that in my view it occurs 100% of the time. And nobody who has been raped ever wants to be referred to as a victim ever again which is why I am tentative about the use of the word.
I do not presume that Zach supports the Steubenville “Crew” however to deny the existence of rape culture is in my view a passive perpetuation. Also similar to Princess, I think I am simply unclear on what Zach is proposing is his perception of alternative causal motivation? Opportunity?
“Lack of consideration and empathy” for the other parties concerned also translates to a disregard for that person as a feeling human being with rights and a perceived “lack of power” on the part of the victim is often what will cause said predator to pounce on an opportunity as you say. Power may not be the only factor. But it is a factor.
I apologize for inferring that a rapist must always feel “emasculated” or that they are not “rational” and yet we must ask why would someone abuse an existing power relation? Simply because they can? Because they perceive a lack of consequences? I believe this is false. I choose to believe people do not naturally want to inflict harm on someone, that they do not perceive women (or other rape victims) as not being worthy of consideration and respect as a natural state or of their own accord, without outside influences, societal perceptions or pressures or norms or a skewed psychological state, perhaps their own life experiences. It is generally believed people bully because of a lack of a sense of personal worth. To this I feel there is merit. Convenience does not simply cause someone to commit such an act.
Yes your imagined scenario/s absolutely fit with my definition of rape. However I do not suppose that someone seeking to engage in such a scenario would do so if the “object” of their “attentions” had any perceived power in the scenario, such as capacity to inflict damage or were even conscious. The perceived vulnerability would be the “turn on” and not a desire stemming from the person’s “beauty,” the ability to “use the opportunity” is still a form of power over another person as is the assumption that this persons welfare matters less than their own. Whether they are actively seeking to exert power over someone or simply abusing an existing imbalance.
In any case Phluffy, your scenario is in my view the least common set of circumstances. There are certain realities we must face about why so many rapes go unreported, why perpetrators would seek out or take advantage of as the case may be these acts, why they feel there is status in such acts and why the experiences of so many survivors are so negative upon speaking out.
I do not seek to discard the experiences of male victims of rape or the myriad of forms the crime could take. However when speaking of the prevalence and pervasiveness of the crime I think my assumptions are for the most part justified.
@ opposehumantrafficking: Thank you for your patient and thoughtful response.
First I have Read and heard many accounts. Some from a few of my closest personal friends, both male and female. My empathy and sympathy towards survivors is great, even though I am attempting to keep as much emotional distance here as possible. An account I know from one such friend specifically had no blame or shaming that was not inflicted by himself, as I was the only person he told. Statistically speaking you are correct in that most rapes happen by someone who knows the individual, and more specifically most rapes occur by family members; it is a very sad thing.
On many points we most certainly agree. The relationship of power between the would be, sorry to put it this way(but I can’t find a better term for the future action), victim and the would be rapist, is most certainly the key player due to the fact that rape cannot even happen without the rapist holding some power over the other individual. Things just are a little more complicated on whether or not the point is to simply use the power over the individual to obtain what they want, or as it is very very commonly the case, too simply hold the power over that individual and demonstrate that power for their pleasure, and so the goal is simple to obtain that power and demonstrate it to boost his/her ego. The difference is that in one case the power itself is the goal and the rape is a way to obtain that feeling of power, were as in the other the power is simply an opportunity and the rape is simply to gain sexual gratification. As far as I’ve seen, both have existed.
The more we discuss and sharpen and refute our ideas like this, the closer I believe we can get to understanding why, and then getting to a way to discourage this behavior. Thanks for your input please continue to discuss and to question and think and learn. This has been a very septic issue for far too long.
Zack, your intention for opening a discussion on the motives behind rape is something that I think is very much needed. There is a disconnection between all the people involved in rape incidents as well as what is being referred to as rape culture. Without closing this gap through exploration of how this whole thing works, it will not be possible to deal with this effectively.
You mentioned also that power is not the only motivation behind rape. I have some specific points about some possible motives you mentioned in a later comment…
You said: “I have to think they were motivated to rape her because they wanted to have sex (maybe not ever sex with her, but sex in general. Having once been a 17 year old boy, I can tell you that sexual desire doesn’t have to have a subject) for reasons that might include that they were attracted to her, that they were horny, that they sought the status associated with having sex, or that they were actually young psychopaths who did it for no good feeling for themselves, but simply because they could.”
I would like to examine each of these possible reasons to see how they are or are not related to power…
1) They were attracted to her: If they were attracted to her specifically, for what reason did they not care about her well being? Is it that they only were interested in her body and had no thoughts about what the inhabitant of the body would feel about what they did with the body? If that is the case, then does that not imply that they felt more entitled to the body than its actual owner, simply because they felt that the body was attractive? Or was it that they did not even understand that she might have something to say against what they were doing to her, since it is motivated by attraction? In what ways is this not related to having power over her?
2) They were horny: If they were horny and just needed to get off, there’s a safer way to do that and that is masturbation. If horniness is the only thing they want to deal with then they did not even need to go all the way to her. I suppose it was convenient that she was unconscious. Here again it seems that they assumed that they were entitled to use her body because she is not conscious. Or they are really scared of masturbating for some reason. In what way do you suppose this isn’t related to them exercising power over her?
3) They sought the status associated with having sex: I am familiar with the idea that young people who have had sex are considered to be cooler or more important. I have experienced that kind of mentality in my own life in various settings. That is something that is part of culture. And status itself is about power. If they had been doing it just for status, then that would also make this incident about power rather than just sex. The sex itself was not important but rather the status they get from their peers was more important. Then that would mean that power is the driving force here. How would you interpret this possibility?
4) They were psychopaths and they did it simply because they could: That simply takes it back to power. They had no empathy for the girl and so they exercised the power they felt they had over her.
You sound like someone who thinks a lot about these things and so I really want to know what you think about these views in details. I think there needs to be more people who think deeply about these things as you seem to do and all those people need to talk together more often.
It seems to me that sex is more often considered to be a power/status gaining method rather than an expression of self or an act of love. And so a lot of horny people just associate their arousal as a need to gain power through some “sexual” means, and sometimes in the case of rape by taking it away from someone else. If we consider sex to be an act of mutual connection and love, then can rape really be motivated by sex alone? And if the association of status/power with sex exists so much in people’s minds, then isn’t that being perpetuated by some sort of culture that exists in our societies?
Thank you Princess for articulating so well what I was trying to get at with the problem of defining rape as sex or motivated by sex. The definitions of these two acts must be entirely separate in my view
Your assertion is unarguably true, as it seems to me. Power most certainly has some part to play in any rape, but you miss The other point in that we should question if it is the bottom line purpose reason and intent of every rape. That is something that is easily argued against, and the causes and reasons behind rape can only be definitively determined by questioning rapists themselves, as to why, and analyzing there answers and psyche will keeping in mind social pressures and ramifications. But doing so we must treat these individuals with the respect we would give any other human being, as they are still human beings, and we cannot dehumanize them simply because we find there actions deplorable.
Zach: I don’t see a link to reply to the second portion of your response so I’ll put it here. I appreciate your time to write a thoughtful response to this but this statement blew me away: “Date rape, intimate partner rape, marital rape- I think that sex and (for lack of a better term) horniness play a defining role there”. To say that “horniness” plays a defining role in this circumstance comes dangerously close to justifying it/giving it a free pass. If a man’s motivation to commit rape is being “horny”, your argument implies that he simply cannot control his biologically given sexual desire and therefore committing rape is out of some sort of inescapable urge or necessity. Likewise your argument infers that that a husband/boyfriend’s “desire” to have sex with his wife/girlfriend is natural and therefore, by raping her his desires merely trump whether or not she consents to having sex…because sex is what is expected in a relationship (enter arguments that marital rape cannot exist for the aforementioned statement). Forgive me if I’m simply not understanding your comment but that is what it sounds like and it’s a totally irresponsible concept. A husband, a potential partner or an intimate partner is just as capable of wanting to exact control and power over their actual or potential mate just as much as a violent and deranged stranger. Rape does not have to be violent to be rape. Rape does not have to be committed by a stranger to be rape. I’m so sick of rape being “watered down” depending on the context. It’s still wrong and YES control has absolutely everything to do with it. If women weren’t powerless in these situations, do you honestly think these men would keep doing it? What is so hard about getting consent before engaging in a sexual act with a person? It’s as simple and listening and asking and then stopping when the answer is NO. If my husband/boyfriend/date forces me to have sex with him against my will (whether I am conscious of the fact or not), he has taken control of my body and he has raped me. PERIOD. If he simply wanted to have sex with me, the story would play out differently. Maybe these men get turned on by that power…there are plenty of people with rape fantasies stemming from myriad experiences of their own abuse/traumatic experiences. And in your example of Jerry Sandusky, I don’t see how the concept of power and control does not play into his actions IN ADDITION to his obvious attraction to young children. Those children were completely powerless and mold able. He was literally playing god–shaping them into his sex slaves. How do you not see the power dynamic in that situation? Please step outside your lawyer person for a moment and think about this as a person with empathy and emotions. It doesn’t matter the initial motive, rape and sex are NOT the same thing in any context. That is a very careless connection to make.
I don’t feel that Zach is saying or implying that because men get horny that rape is should be justified or even close to it. “If a man’s motivation to commit rape is being “horny”, your argument implies that he simply cannot control his biologically given sexual desire and therefore committing rape is out of some sort of inescapable urge or necessity.”
I would say that sex and horniness for the most part is an inescapable urge and/or necessity. Rape is not. But what rape stems from is the inherent selfishness and lack of empathy, compassion, and/or imagination of the other person’s perspective/feelings/situation from the rapist.
“So now we get to intent- did these boys intend to harm this girl? I don’t think they did. I think they likely intended to humiliate her, or they were at least willing to do it to serve their own desires because they acted with the power to do so. There is a difference, I think, between intending to hurt someone and disregarding their pain. it’s the difference between aiming a gun at someone or just shooting wildly. This, I think, is important because by looking at rape from the rapists view, we find that it might be recontextualized: Sometimes, rape is not about violence, it is about selfishness.
Which leads me back to the point I wanted to end on. This article, nor nothing you have said, falls in with a lot of the commentary calling for the boys to get harsher sentences, but I think it’s relevant to mention. Rape is a crime, and should be a crime, because it causes real damage to people. It accosts our ability to feel safe, which is very important a persons full sense of well-being. However, we need to see that the wrongness of the act doesn’t come from the damage it does, but because of the disregard for that pain by the rapist.”
I am not denying that the want/need/desire for control could play a large inherent part in many cases of rape; but, I don’t feel that saying that control and power hunger is the root of all the cases of rape and saying it is so is in itself shortsighted. From how I see it and how Zach was describing, people get horny. People want sex. Just because a person is thirsty for sex doesn’t mean that person will just go out and rape someone and thus being a natural course for a human being. People, I want to say, for the most part have empathy, restraint, among other traits. Rape does come about from the fundamental flaw that there is in fact disregard for another person. Disregard for another’s feelings, disregard for another’s dignity, disregard for another’s integrity, disregard for another’s perspective/point of view, disregard of everything. Because of this lack of regard, the rapist rapes another person. There may or may not be a complex about control and power. Control and power may be used as a tool to rape another person. But I feel it’s misappropriate to say that control and power are the key motivations or even the reason in all cases of rape.
Well, that is how I understand it and if I’m wrong I wouldn’t mind in engaging in more dialogue. For me and how I see it up to now (my own thoughts of the matter are open to grow with an open mind) rape is one of the many by-products of the lack of empathy, sympathy, understanding or even the attempt of understanding, and perspective.
He had been saying from the start that rape and sex are obviously NOT the same thing, but was quite lacking in his communication that sexual desire, our conscious manifestation of our biological imperative to reproduce, the basic instinct in w/e distorted and malformed shape it may take from our human complexity, be it hetero-normative or a fascination with bestiality, sometimes has a part to play in rape. You reading men into this is vehemently impassioned from something I do not care to guess about but unfortunately is not at all the case, nor is it relevant what gender any individual may be. We all have the instinct of sexual desire, and we all have the instinct of selfishness. Rape is simply deciding to take what someone already wants by force, whether or not taking it by force and indeed exerting his/her power over another individual is the desired intent, and the only outcome that the individual had desired in the first place, may or may not be true, and is an overshadow to the statement of cause. It is illogical to assume all rape occurs solely for the purpose of exerting ones power upon another individual, willing or not, and so in a sense ‘conquering’ them, and other reason. This is an absurd pile of assumptions you have made, but the more you and others recognize learn and accept that this issue is larger and more complex than you previously understood, the better.
Thanks for being a part of this learning process and being brave enough to voice your question. The more we keep breeding this and other discussions like it, the more we can hope to spread the message that rape is unacceptable behavior in our society, to persuade individuals in our society who might fall astray from committing such acts, via peer pressure. It is a small hope.
No, I’ve read your response twice and am still left with a sense of….you cover up the “just plain wrong” ness of rape and harm to others by a lot of words and meaningless analysis. Its really not that complex at all. Harming another person and/or violating them is wrong and it really does not matter why. We could spend a tremendous amount of time analyzing the “why” of rape and it won’t ever change the fact that its not okay to violate another persons body.
And how then do we find a way to encourage people not to rape each other, if we do not know why? How do you intend we find a solution? Rape is wrong. Stating so does not stop it from happening. You completely do not understand what is trying to be done. I just… I can’t even… I have lost the ability to even….
Do you understand now?
Excellent post. Thank you.
Uncomfortable reading. Glad you wrote it.
No one should be raped and it should never be ignored or swept away. A victim of rape lives with an emotional scar that never goes away no matter how much therapy or even after there is some sort of “justice” because most of the time the “justice” is no justice at all. I feel all victims of rape should not have their names or faces plastered all over the world because again they become a victim because they can not proceed in life without being labeled as a trouble maker and many other things. Sexual abuse, rape or any crime of this nature generally punishes the victim not the criminal. Yes, in the case of the Duke Lacrosse team those young men were victims of a liar but that should not label all people who report these crimes as automatic liars. A victim should not fear repercussions to themselves and people who see it should stop it.
I don’t know who you are but my friend shared your article on facebook. Thank you. I think this was very well written and I think it’s about time people stood up and spoke out against this issue. I’ve posted many rape awareness/anti rape things online and I’ve had a frightening number of people argue with me about it. I’m horrified that this is becoming so acceptable in our society. I had a guy straight up tell me to my face if women were raised to be tougher and learned how to conduct ourselves in public we wouldn’t be raped so much. I’m disgusted and sick that there are people alive in this world who say things like this. Basically I just want to tell you this article was amazing and I thank you very deeply for posting it. I’m so glad when I see other people standing up for this. It’s a subject very close to me (not me personally but I’ve had a very close friend or 2 live with this ordeal) and I’m moved that other people will help me give them a voice.
Ask that guy if people wouldn’t be robbed if only they didn’t go around looking so rich.
Actually, people are frequently warned against that.
A guy on Facebook told me yesterday that if women just stopped leaving their houses, they wouldn’t be raped, and so whenever a woman leaves her house and ends up getting raped, then she needs to take responsibility for her own actions.
Holy Smokes! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, mysogent is alive and well in the world. A question though, Does this person dispay bigotry and narccisstic tendencies as well?
And here in my hometown (in Australia) we had a man who raped a woman in her own backyard… I guess that’s her fault, too! Makes me sad that there are people who think this way. It’s disgusting.
Reblogged this on What Happened?!.
Glad I came across your post. So important. Don’t live in the US and had no idea. So sorry for that young woman.
It’s interesting how we were shocked by the rape culture in India, but ignore the rape culture in our own countries with “boys will be boys” or “she asked for it.” Are our attitudes that much more advanced?
seems in line with the people who think if there are no burning crosses, it can’t be racism. 😐
Thanks! I never knew rape was bad until reading a wordpress blog.
“Rape culture is when anonymous commenters ignore important discourse in favor of poorly informed and uninspired trolling.”
Thanks for giving me another to add to the list.
You’re absolutely right. Clearly everybody knows and cares that rape is bad, which is why it never happens anymore, and which is why there’s no need for a discussion about it.
Really well written. I hope we can move on to ask what we do about it. And “teach men not to rape” is probably not specific enough.
Thank you for this. The very notion of vilifying the VICTIM and pitying the PERPETRATORS is just beyond comprehension to me. To be perfectly honest, the sentencing that those two miscreants received was far too lenient. The news media’s coverage and handling of this travesty was absolutely reprehensible. Perhaps if the representatives of the “news media” was more responsible, then maybe what the hackers had done would not have been necessary. the people who attacked the victim after the fact and those who tried to cover the incident up are just as guilty as the two poor excuses for males perpetrated the crime in the first place and, as such, they should all be held accountable under the law. But more to the point, our society as a whole is in dire need of repair. Maybe one day, we will actually view one another as human beings and stop visiting such barbarity upon one another. Maybe one day, humanity will actually grow up and learn to be humane. Just a thought.
Reblogged this on scatteredroundtheworld and commented:
“What is ‘rape culture’ anyway? I’m tired of hearing about it.”
Rape Culture is real and pervasive. This blog piece is an excellent dissection of what constitutes rape culture.
Is there a way for us to appeal the ruling for their sentence and force them to change it from 1 year to eternity? Seriously this is terrible, I personally think rapists should be castrated. I know it’s pretty extreme, but that’s just my opinion. Getting 1 year in prison is pretty much a light slap on the wrist. It would make me feel better knowing that they spend every day of that 1 year knowing what rape feels like. Is that a horrible thing to say? It feels kind of evil to wish that on someone, even if they deserve it. Women are a treasure and should be treated as such, you are our equals and in many ways so much better than us. I only wish every idiot male realized that and gave the respect and admiration everyone one of you deserve. We all need to step up and do something about this craziness. Rant over.
@Brandon Boss–I vilify the act of rape and sexual violence as strongly as anyone, but castration is NOT the answer, in fact it would not even help, and might actually make matters worse. This is a hot one for me, so I will try to be coherent here:
One of the first problems with suggesting castration as a punishment for rape is that it implies that rape = sex, and that if you take away what he uses for that, then you have punished him adequately. First, RAPE DOES NOT EQUAL SEX. Ever. Rape is violence, and sex is the tool used to inflict violence.
It also implies that only those with a penis and testicles rape. This is not the case: although it is comparatively rare, women have been the perpetrators of sexualized violence; hell, perhaps there are men who have lost their genitals, who also commit rape. how would you punish them?
Additionally, just because a man’s testicles (and even penis, if you plan to go the whole hog) are gone, does not mean that he can not have sex…therefore, just because a rapist’s testicles and penis are gone, does not mean he can not rape.
There are worse things than a penis to force into an unwilling orifice. I’d rather not dwell on the kind of alternatives that a rape-culture infused beast, in a rage over the loss of his precious manhood, might come up with as a way to avenge himself on those who (in his twisted view) stole it from him.
Certainly it is understandable, even natural, to desire a sort of “eye-for-an-eye” punishment…but that rarely solves the actual problem.
What the actual problem is, and how to solve it, are what we are trying to figure out…and it has me stumped, though I have a lot of speculative ideas as to large portions of what the problem is…
Ok, so maybe not castration, but can we send them off to a deserted island where they can all rape and molest each other, like a modern day Australia for sex offenders? It doesn’t solve the problem but it’s hard to stomach the fact that rapists so often get very short sentences, and many are VERY likely to offend again.
No. To respond to marginalization of a demographic through retaliatory marginalization opens up a pretty toxic cycle.
Castration might not be THE answer but I could pretty much guarantee you that it would reduce male on female rape drastically!! Castration is not eye for an eye; it’s more like taking the weapon away from the criminal. From what I understand castration calms a man better than any drug out there. I doubt there would be much retaliation.
Yeah… let’s just not espouse violence.
I’m not sure “yeah… let’s just not espouse violence” is a strong enough rebuttal to this post. It’s a vile suggestion. I sincerely hope it was only allowed through moderation so that you could reply to it in the negative, but in either case that faint response does little to counter it.
Whenever someone suggests violence as a solution, that’s my response. If they’re adamant about it, they argue with me, and I explain the million reasons it’s a terrible cycle to get into. If they just didn’t think about it that way, I save time and can moderate the other 100 posts waiting. Let me be clear: I do not endorse violence as a solution to… well, anything.
I was raped by a woman friend. The discussion about “disregard” fit the situation exactly. It wasn’t violent or deranged…it was simple disregard for my own autonomy.
Thank you all for a wonderful discussion.
rape has nothing to do w/ how cute you are or how young …a few years ago a young man broke into a gated sr. community and raped a 60-something year old and a woman in her 80’s….he recently died in jail from reasons “unknown”…yeah…he was only in his 30s and apparently let out into the general population….regardless…this is where the gun regulation stops…if you come after me or mine…(i’m old and have been diagnosed w/ stage lv colon cancer)….you’re going before me…there will be no intelligent discussion preceeding the “bang”.
That is a wise attitude to have. Bravo! You are doing your duty to yourself to do the best you can to defend yourself.
Forget rape culture. I’ve been raped. By a guard for the state prison in a small town who I had played pool with at a bar… he was 25 years older than me and I certainly wasn’t asking for it. I was 21, it was my first time drinking at a bar alone. It was also my last. I was drugged, videotaped… and when I told the sheriff (a woman) that she should try to procure the tape, she replied, “He doesn’t even have a VCR at his house… why would he videotape it?!”
It’s not rape culture that’s the problem. It’s the mindset of gender roles in this country. Sure, the ladies burned their bras in the 60s but where has it gotten us? Glass ceilings, two-income families, and portrayal by the media as little more than vaginas with arms and legs… men think of women as a dime a dozen, plain and simple. We’re not humans. We don’t have feelings, we don’t have opinions, we don’t have brains. We have breasts and booties. We’re crazy and emotional. We were put on this earth to be anorexic and nipped and tucked and augmented and to wear a string bikini while we wash our husband’s car.
I know it’s not all men or all women… but in this country it’s overly prevalent. If we don’t want to be raped, and don’t want the men to get away with it, then we need to stop plastering our half-naked bodies all over billboards and tv commercials and music videos. We need to demand respect. We need to demand equality.
“…What we have is a culture of capita-patriarchy where rape is one of the side-effects.” I agree wholeheartedly. I can’t tell you how many times I heard the phrase, “Well, why were you drinking alone at a bar?? What did you expect??”
I expected that the sacrifices made by my grandmother and my mother and every other woman who pushed for gender equality in the 60s would have made a difference. I expected to be able to go anywhere I wanted, to be able to enjoy everything life has to offer, to be bold and daring and adventurous in this world. I expected to be able to walk into a bar and have a few drinks without being slipped a date-rape drug and dragged off to some trailer in the woods. I expected to be able to walk down the street at night without being preyed upon just because I happened to be born with a vagina. I expected to be treated like a human being.
I have a 4-year-old son. I’m so glad I had a boy. I’d hate to have to explain to a daughter that she’s really not much more than a piece of meat hanging in a butcher shop, just waiting to be filleted.
Wow, I appreciate hearing from someone who has been through this here. It definitely lends perspective. I completely agree with you and actually just wrote a comment above coming to the same conclusion. I hope that the fact that you have a little boy gives you some solace that you can raise a man to think and feel differently than so much of our mainstream society dictates.
Also, for the record, I agree that you should be able to go to a bar alone and have been lucky enough to have done so many times without repercussion. I’m so sorry that you had that experience.
Truth! I think the way we portray and enforce gender roles plays a monumental part in the ways we learn to interact wit each other.
Being taught that every single person is worthy of respect, as being viewed as an entire person rather than some parts (or the sum of their parts). The way we enforce norms of gender, sexuality, race, etc. in this society, with a patriarchal system that favors some people over others, is definitely a large problem. This system that privileges some people over others (men over women, white over black, straight over LGBT, etc.), humanizing some and dehumanizing the rest, and overall just setting up absurd hierarchies lends itself to perpetuating inequalities and injustice. While patriarchy values “masculine” traits and undermines “Feminine” traits, it serves to devalue anyone associated with the broad, completely arbitrary, idea of femininity. When we don’t value people, we can dehumanize them, seeing them as a pair of tits or a great ass, rather than a full person with full human emotional and intellectual capacities.
Relevant to rape culture: this leaves us with a culture of people who see nothing wrong with rape, because rape victims are not humans with feelings, but a great ass or pair of tits. Some stupid piece of ass who drank too much and no one would care anyway. Why should anyone care that this less-valuable person suffered, when all of these valuable people benefit from it? Valuable people, like these football players at Steubenville, can’t possibly risk losing their football scholarships because of some invaluable girl like the girl they humiliated. Ugh. Disgusting. I want to vomit on everyone and everything.
I’m very saddened to hear your story and my heart goes out to you. I commend you for your bravery in sharing your experience despite the persecution you suffered for speaking and giving voice enough to cry foul. While I was lucky enough to have never been raped (and I thank God for that) I can identify with some of your story. When I was around the same age, I came dangerously close to being a rape victim. He was a co-worker and twice my age. Being rather naive and idealistic, I never dreamed that just being nice to someone and helping someone by merely listening would put me in harm’s way. Growing up, my parents shielded me very well from the dangers of the world. Looking back now through the eyes of experience and maturity, I recognize the signs I failed to see and how mistaken and trusting I was. He touched me inappropriately one night in the parking lot. I was so shocked and terrified and I couldn’t find my voice or unlock my muscles to even say “No! Stop!” for some time. When I finally found it, he did stop and disappeared into the night with a weak apology. I don’t know how I managed to drive home and I couldn’t tell you how I got there. Once the shock wore off, the reality of what had just happened was incapacitating and I had a breakdown that I tried to keep very quiet. Somehow, I FELT ASHAMED!!!!!! Fortunately for me, my parents were always in tune with me and knew something was wrong immediately. They forced it out of me and literally (I do mean literally) dragged me into my employer’s office to report it. It poured out of me while my entire body quaked and my stomach voided itself into the trash can. The outcome was that there was nothing they could do because the parking lot was not part of company property and it was my responsibility to report it to the authorities. But I should feel secure that I had started “a paper trail so that of he ever does something like this again on company property, they can act.” So I was taken to the Sherriff’s office and reported it to a middle-aged MALE deputy. I was told that in the eyes of the law, I had invited him and it was my fault. He stopped and there was nothing they could to. To add insult to injury, I still had to see him at work. Why not quit you ask? Frankly, I needed the money, having just lost my home and living with other family. Now here’s the kicker: years after I left that job, that paper trail stayed. He offended again at the same place and that time he escalated. That girl wasn’t as lucky. I reported. I spoke. I was ignored. He was allowed to offend again AND take something that was never his to take. I was made to feel like I brought it on myself and I was the criminal. The laws that govern women’s rights are painfully flawed and laughable. Since then, I have vowed that it will never be me. I will not be silenced and I will share this experience with anyone who will listen in hoping they will never be in that situation and not be so lucky. Thank you for keeping your voice. Thank you for your strength.
K.Thank you for sharing your story. And thank you for refusing to be silenced.
Yes gender roles play a very large part in this discussion, and the fact we are pressured to follow them. The problem behind this as I have always seen, is how much we obsses with the differences of our genders when we have so many similarities and how many of our percieved differences are simply false and made up, psycologically that is. We aretrained from young age to seperate divide us by this feature of gender to the piont that we are some times regarded as vastly different beings, almost as we are different species, when the overwhelming fact that we are all human beings and are fundamentally similar in many respects is not an enforced concept. It doesn’t really matter what the shape of your genetalia is, we are all human beings. The reason why men can get breast cancer is a supreme example of this. The reason why is beacause men have the same cells women do in a much lower countity because the breasts begin to form before the fetus reads which gender the individual is. We all started from the same basic template. This is also why men can train their nipples so that they can breast feed a child. The prostate only enlargens in men due to there being more of a demand for sexual fluid by male ejaculate, and the less demanded prostate remains small in women, leading to the myth that women do not have a prostate, or that it is somehow not used. We obsses on how we are different and ignore our similarities. That is probably a huge part of this equation.
Reblogged this on Scarlettslaughter's Blog.
Excuse my language below, but it drives me to it.
It’s fucking horrible that this shit happens, it’s similar to catholic priest pedophilia and other cover-ups that protect a group or a reputation that is more “powerful”. Victims are then left utterly powerless and then to make it worse our society allows it all to happen.
Power corrupts and whether you want to call that rape culture or not, it doesn’t really matter… it’s fucking wrong!
I spent 13 years as an athlete, and I can tell you that at no point in that time was I ever encouraged to rape. I was never led to believe I could get away with it. I was never led to believe my friends or coaches or family or town would let me get away with it. And most of all, I have no instinct, as an athlete, to rape. I like you find it horrific, and work to fight against. So when you say “rape culture is when a group of athletes…” what you mean is “rape culture is when a group of people.” Because when you look up convicted racists and their occupations, you’re going to find very few athletes. You’ll find doctors, teachers, lawyers, etc. You’ll find people (men) who have no connection between their occupation/activity and their proclivity towards rape. Just because the athletes make the news doesn’t mean it’s pervasive in athletic culture. Please don’t associate me or my friends, teams, or coaches in that group. We want nothing to do with them.
As I’ve indicated in comments above, the only time I use the phrase “When a group of athletes” is in reference to the Steubenville case, which is an accurate description and salient to understanding what happened in that situation. I’m with you. Not all athletes are evil, not all athletic programs promote a rape culture.
sure, because the athletes are good at escaping conviction. not a compelling argument there. kobe bryant? roethlisberger? any of these names ringing a bell?
You’re right that most athletes are not rapists. You’re correct that rapists can be found across all professions, all demographics.
However, when discussing rape culture, discussing sports culture is very important. Studies have shown that college athletes are 3.3% of student populations, but 19% of sexual assault perpetrators.
http://www.ncava.org/Statistics.html
Reblogged this on Activism and Agitation.
RE: The opportunity to have sex with a girl with no consent needed, no effort required, and no foreseeable consequences is a temptation some boys can’t resist.
This is a crucial point to me: “opportunity to have sex with a girl with no consent needed”.
In my mind, consent is ALWAYS needed. This goes hand-in-hand with “teaching [people] not to rape” – step one is to teach them consent is ALWAYS needed. “She didn’t say ‘no,'” should NEVER be considered a valid excuse. It is one of the reasons that we are starting to talk about the idea of affirmative consent, and why some places are incorporating ‘lack of affirmative consent’ into their definition of rape.
If the young men in the Steubenville case – and all of their peers, parents, role models, and acquaintances – had grown up with the idea that they should not have sex with someone who hasn’t specifically said ‘Yes,’ would the young lady have been seen as less of a target?
EXACTLY! If someone says,”No” it means NO. If the signals are unclear, that is NO. If there is no response at all…that is NO. If the other person is asleep (or even pretending to be asleep, like I did at age 9 when I was molested; it was the only action I could think of to take…) unconscious, underage, or below certain cognitive levels…NO.
Consent to me is when an adult over whom I have no power or influence gives an enthusiastic “YES!!”
I agree with what you’re saying, but not the specific wording. That is, I expect to have influence over someone who is in love with me. And as I am the breadwinner while my dh is the SAHD at the moment, I arguably have economic power over him. And since we have 3 young children, which is exhausting, his ‘yes’ is not always enthusiastic, at least at first. I don’t think that any of these *necessarily* preclude true consent ;). The important point is that we both know that we will both accept ‘no’ again and again, should that happen, and a ‘yes’ is allowed to turn into a ‘no’ at any point for any reason, and there will be no punishment or coercion.
Preach it! Keep preaching it!!!
You and your readers might be interested in this petition from Change.org that was started today because of the Stuebenville case. It only has about 20 signatures right now, but there is no reason it shouldn’t meet the threshold for a statement or action from the White House with a little bit of publicity.
https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/issue-public-statement-president-blaming-rape-victims-crimes-committed-against-them-unacceptable/vZzz0Tfp
You seem to be of the opinion that only men rape women, and there’s never any women who rape men, which is the one reason I have to disagree with what you say. You seem to gloss over the fact that women rape men, and women DO cry rape when they feel they made a mistake.
Please, don’t just start spouting “rape culture” unless you’re willing to have a balanced view. Yes, men rape women, but women rape men too.
1. You’re correct. Women rape men. The reason you don’t find a great deal of examples of this as rape culture (read: demonstrated tolerance and acceptance of the idea/trivialization) is because no one talks about it – which is exemplary of rape culture itself. I’ll be posting more on that later, but I wanted to make myself clear as to why examples were not listed above. The point was to provide very specific instances for context.
2. I’m not going to stand for “women cry wolf” as reason to not discuss rape culture. The statistical frequency of this occurrence is nearly non-existent, but the argument has been used as a red herring in this very conversation for years. In fact, this red herring was used in the Steubenville case explicitly, with town leaders and complete strangers commenting that Jane Doe was making “excuses” for a “decision” (she was unconscious – what exactly did she decide?!) she regretted. Including that perspective in this piece would not have resulted in balance; it would have furthered an element of rape culture itself.
rape culture is: troll coming in to dismiss the pervasive culture in favor of rare situations (false charges) and make sure to bring our attention back to men. i’d be more charitable if you weren’t parroting the talking points of hundreds of trolls on the internet.
Alexi, like the author has commented, this article was just one specific example to talk about rape culture.
I totally agree that not all rape comes from men towards women. It’s shocking to learn how men being violated can be so trivialised or even seen as a ‘right of passage.’ I’ve read about a court case involving an underage boy and his teacher. He was under the legal age of consent, and they had intimate relations. So, him not being able to properly consent means rape right?? Can you believe that the underage boy was ordered to pay child support for the pregnancy caused by his rape!?
Horrific isn’t it?
Rape is wrong, regardless of gender, age, race or religion. I’m pretty sure that anyone with a level head on their shoulders can agree.
Exactly how does that happen? And what’s the ratio? 1000000 to 1? A balanced view of something that occurs daily to one group and rarely to another focuses on the former group.
Reblogged this on Skytalker.
I wondered whether I wanted to watch the video or not… I decided to. Horrible what they are saying knowing actually happened. Can I say good job to the guy in the background you keeps saying “what if that was your sister or your daughter?”. Such a shame though that he didn’t have the balls to stop it.
Per the video of the boys having the “she’s dead” discussion…even more than the parts you mention, I find horrifying how they actually talk about if it had happened to their own daughter and they laugh about the idea. I realize that they are children themselves…but that is the most disturbing portion of the video, personally.
Back in 2002 there was a pretty horrific rape that happened in Chico. It was sickening to see articles like this posted: http://www.newsreview.com/chico/fall-guy/content?oid=28302
They shamed the poor girl to the point that she moved out of state. They never mentioned the individuals who attempted to try to help the girl, or the accounts against what individuals accused her of. The only person in this article who didn’t shame her was the individual who was charged with rape ” …I would appreciate it if you refrained from attacking the girl as much as you can. We were both in the wrong place at the wrong time, and we both made mistakes…”
I don’t speak so well, so forgive me, but I wanted to just add a little something.
I’ve always made a point of speaking about my rape, not just because of what happened but what happened afterwards.
After a night out – not drunk, dressed in jeans and a tshirt – I was raped by my taxi driver, after he pushed his way into my home.
The next day, my (male) boss gently got out of me what had happened and persuaded me to talk to the police and I spoke to a policewoman that day.
When – a few WEEKS later – I got a visit from two CID types…well they hooked onto the fact that I was gay, and after I freely confessed that I had never before had sex with a man, well that was it. I was “curious”, cos I was drunk (after all my 2 drinks that night) and had consented, then regretted it later.
They bullied me with this scenario until I gave them what they wanted and booted them out.
That? That’s not just a culture of rape, but of rape apology, and I was forcefully reminded of it with this case. It wasn’t the same thing, by any means, but the reactions to it felt so familiar: anything in order to make this problem go away, including trying to shame the victim into silence.
Rape culture seems to often be almost a subsection of something else: macho sports, drinking, chauvinism, etc. By which I mean: it often seems to manifest as a part of something else. Not always, by any means, but in cases like this, it’s like it was a part of the culture those boys – and the girl – were a part of.
The institutionalised view of women as sex objects is a part of the fabric of certain sections of culture, and it’s horrific.
Want to stop hearing about it? Then we need to start doing something about it. As a society – en masse – not just a few brave voices in the crowd of people covering their ears because it’s uncomfortable to talk about.
But before we can teach a younger generation, we need to teach ourselves what we want them to know. Because they are learning by our example, and no amount of words will ever teach them better than that.
Thank you – and so many of the others on this thread – for sharing your story. I admire your courage and strength, and truly hope that we, as a society, can grow to condemn these travesties with the vitriol they deserve. You are an inspiration.
So disturbing. In every way. The folks that committed the crime. And took videos or photos. And covered up. Or supported the drug pushing rapists. The media that doesn’t have a minute for the victim. The comments of very sick individuals that you pasted on the post that somehow the boys lives were being ruined because of a bit o’ fun. The totally forgetting about the fact that there was a YOUNG VICTIM. I wonder if they gave her drugs and killed her would they still be yucking it up on a video about how they assaulted a dead girl ??? Thank you for writing this. And keep on writing about this. I am sick of the media and of this male dominated, power hungry world.
I didn’t read all posts, but I wanted to make sure that the Military was also brought into this conversation. The armed forces would make ALL athletic programs that have had rape allegations and convictions look like they were non-existent. I don’t believe Athletics is a symptom, or illness, it is the men involved. Education is the key. EDUCATE, EDUCATE, EDUCATE.
I just wrote a post about teaching freshmen that only yes meant yes. Rape culture is so evident when this was LITERALLY new information for some of them! What?
Yes! So many people, women and men, do not know enough about all of this. We all need to be educated on it and prevent this from happening. As parents, teachers, guardians, etc… it’s our job to teach our children.
I hope this also brings awareness and instills the consequences that people face when women falsely accuse men of rape as well. These woman face no consequences and its almost like a slap in the face to women who have been raped. I feel like it also leads people and courts to take honest women less seriously who come forward. I know two men who were falsely accused, both went through severe depression and one committed suicide.
While I feel for your friends, I’ll echo what I said above – the argument that false reporting is a major problem does not have the statistical significance to back it up. I want to be clear- IT SHOULD NOT HAPPEN, but the weight of its impact is dwarfed by the consequences of a far-reaching rape culture.
I wasn’t so much saying that false reporting is a major problem as much as the idea that “a few bad people ruin it for others.” I think that the impact is substantial. Without “evidence” many women are just assumed to be liars because of a small group of people. Also, we shouldn’t ignore bringing awareness just because the impact isn’t deemed “significant enough”.
I don’t understand your evidence? How can you say that it does not happen when cases where men were wrongly convicted wouldn’t show up in statistical data? Because they are/still wrongly found guilty. Now if new evidence came forward to reverse someone’s guilt, that would show up but I think you are suggesting that is rare. Don’t be so biased and disregard counter arguments, do your homework and pull up some statistics.
For both of you, read this: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/mar/13/false-allegations-rape-domestic-violence-rare
And then read this: http://www.stanford.edu/group/maan/cgi-bin/?page_id=297
And then do your own research instead of regurgitating inaccurate assertions. And then do some comparative statistical analysis of your own, keeping in mind the percentage of attacks that will never be reported at all. And then consider that rape is the only crime for which we automatially doubt the accusation because “women lie.” And consider that this discourages women from coming forward, facilitating a culture of silence on sexual violence. And consider that this is part of rape culture. And then, kindly, refrain from commenting on my blog again.
You are welcome to your opinions, however poorly formed. But I will not enable you to further the problem.
Reblogged this on Searching For Brigid and commented:
A must read.
Thank you for posting this. I’ll be sharing. This is why myself, and so many have not reported our own instances. It’s saddening to read people’s ignorant commentary about how “loose” or “slutty” the girl was. I feel for that girl. Her life is already forever changed and now she must face this new life under public scrutiny. Our culture needs some definite reformation, or this behavior/mindset can only continue.
As a male, this entire thread makes me uncomfortable, because it is all so true and it is hard to live up to. Men commit rape and it being so brushed under the rug so often is an atrocity that cannot continue. The entire social networking community, schools, community centers, politicians and role models should be making this an issue that needs to be confronted. Stopping advertisements from using spousal assault, preventing programs from protecting athletes, and other disgusting acts that society so often deems as “acceptable”.
However, in order to spread this message the biggest target you need to get at and educate is men. That outreach means educating men/boys on recognizing when someone is being pressured at a bar, or providing them with self confidence to stand up to ass holes who are harassing another. Therefore, you cannot attack men, and make them out to be the bad guys: it doesn’t help. Most men react negatively cause they feel as though they are being accused and no one wants to be bundled up with people committing such atrocities. And the fact is, women do falsely accuse men of rape! The moment you hear of any sort of charge of sexual assault or rape the first reaction is to jump to the conclusion they are guilty! Which is total bullshit. Women (and men) falsely accusing someone of rape is the biggest deterrent to this whole movement, because it delegitimizes everything you are trying to achieve. If this movement is to take on real success, every case should be scrutinized and examined carefully, and those who are found guilty should be publicly labelled as deviant and criminal by society. But those who are found innocent should be shown to be so, and the wrongful accuser should be labelled and publicized as an equal atrocity as the sexual assault would have been itself!
Women and men working together are the solution to this problem, not women fighting men nor men fighting women.
I agree with so much of what you said, but I fear that a lot of women also need to be educated. I think that it is, as you said, pushed under the rug by both and it needs to stop.
I agree with your solutions to the problem. However, I strongly disagree that the immediate reaction to rape charges is “He’s guilty!” The immediate reaction is almost always accusing the woman of lying.
http://www.findingmyvirginity.com/2013/03/men-are-statistically-more-likely-to-be.html
I was raped for years by my husband without knowing it was considered rape. I will never be the same, but I got out.
Firstly, thank you for being brave and sharing.
You bring up a very important point – the lack of knowledge about consent and healthy sexual practices.
It also took me a few years to understand how, as a person, I can expect to be treated by the men in my life. It took a healthy relationship with a loving guy for me to realise that being afraid of being alone with a ‘friend’, because I didn’t want to be overpowered and bent over a couch again – was wrong. How did I not know that was wrong?? Because I’d never been taught it, and in fact, society had told me that that’s my place. To think, I used to believe that if a male was horny and didn’t have any ‘release’ it actually causes them physical pain!
Anyway, the point I’m heading towards is this: people need education about consent and to trust that if they feel uncomfortable, that they can say no.
I’m in the last year of my bachelor to become a high-school teacher, and I fully intend to use what opportunities I can to educate my students about what ‘consent’ means. It sickens me to know that so many of my students will be sexually assaulted. All I can do is try to educate them as best I can in the hopes that some of them will be the ‘lucky ones’ that get away, instead of totally being taken advantage of.
Reblogged this on the existential teapot.
Rape culture is when thousands of women falsely accuse men of rape, and then fuck up their lives and it goes unreported…then claiming most men are rapists or potential rapists
For starters, it does not go unreported. False reports leave a data trail. Your statement and its implications are demonstrably false. Second, no where in this post or in the comments is anyone saying “most men are rapists.” Third, if you can’t constructively contribute to the conversation and insist on revictimizing those who have suffered from sexual violence, further comments will be promptly marked as spam. Ya dig?
Well you can sit there all day and say it does go unreported, and I can sit here and say the opposite. But until either of us produce peer reviewed statistics neither our claims our valid. Ya dig?
Thank you, these red herrings have to stop and the perpetrators relegated back to the hole they crawled out of.
It happens both ways with both men and women. There is no doubt that women can be just as bad as men or vice versa. They do not go unreported.
Thank you for saying it loud and proud!
Yes. Yes. Thank you.
Thank you for posting this. I read this all the way through with a sick, oily feeling in my stomach, but I don’t regret it. I totally agree with what you have to say, but I am worried that you will be misquoted. All of the boys on my father’s side of the family are on some sort of sports team, and while I know that they wouldn’t commit rape or cover it up, it scares me that they may be around people who would. It also scares me that this trial made national news, but a recent string of what is believed to be a series of serial rapes in my area has not. In fact, I haven’t heard a word about the case since last Monday. There are tons of publicity, both productive and counterproductive, for all of the cases you’ve mentioned, but what scares me the most is that no one wants to air the cases that won’t increase ratings or aren’t ‘interesting enough’. An I’m enraged that I’m not seeing any news coverage regarding ways MEN can prevent rape. This needs to change.
Treat others the way you want to be treated. That is all.
Amen!
I gotta say I’m tired of hearing about rape culture because I’m tired of the fact that it STILL EXISTS.
Seriously! There seems to be a lack of respect in the world today. Both self respect and respect to others. Things like this need to be nipped in the butt. Personally I feel like that’s the parents job so it is partially their fault, and then it’s that persons fault. When did things like this become okay? Seriously it makes me sick!
hallelujah
Thank you for posting this. You posted so many things that I was thinking when heard about what was going on, and I was disgusted by all of the crap the girl is getting. First off, who actually knows the whole entire story. I certainly do not think it is any of us. Who are we to be cruel to this girl. While there are many cases of the “victim” lying who are we to decide that. Especially if there was some sort of proof that something went down. Regardless of if there was consent, any person who is drunk can be considered not to be making a rational decision. So if either party calls rape it will most likely go to court. Honestly I believe that you should be careful and keep a level head, but things happen. We don’t know how she got drunk, if she was forced, if she chose to do it, or anything. We don’t know for certain. We don’t even know who she is so who are we to judge her. Also in any case, not just this one, making the perpetrator into the victim is just disgusting. If they are saying that it is the girls (or boys in some cases) chose to get drunk than it’s their fault, then the other party should be given the same treatment. I don’t believe any of the people who are insulting and threatening her even understand what she or any other victim are going through. I bet they never once put their own selves in that position. The “what if that happened to me” thought. People are sad and despicable. I have no hope for a great number of people in this world.
Rape culture is the tolerance of situations of brutal (shall we say, stereotypical) rape, where the man overpowers the woman, where she is saying no, or she is incapacitated to the point where she can’t give consent.
But what about the more ambiguous situations? Date rape, rape between friends, between boyfriends and girlfriends, even between married couples, in which neither party was incapacitated and each was perfectly capable of saying no, but didn’t? And then the next day one claims rape because they were uncomfortable, but couldn’t bring themselves to say so, because women are raised “too polite” and “silence is not consent”? What is it called when every claim of rape is considered the man’s fault, even though the woman never actually said no? I’ve heard that a lot of times women don’t say no to their partners, even though they are uncomfortable, because they were raised “not to make a fuss.” They rely on signals which the man might not pick up on because not everyone is good at reading signals. And then they claim rape the next day because the man didn’t read their signals correctly, and didn’t check. “Silence is not consent” is a very problematic standard for this reason; it suggests that women (or either partner) need not speak up when they are uncomfortable with a sexual situation, that men should either be able to read their minds or constantly be checking with them to make sure this is really something they want to do (does consent come with an expiration? Do you have to ask only once per sexual act, or every five minutes, or every ten?). I don’t think that’s fair. I think that sounds like a male witch hunt. I think that if a person is uncomfortable with a sexual situation, they should open their mouth and say so. Make yourself clear. If women really are raised with this idea to “not make a fuss” and that’s why they can’t bring themselves to speak up when they are uncomfortable, then they need to unlearn that lesson. Fast.
Yes it’s important for each partner to check to make sure the other is comfortable and consenting. But I think it is equally important for people (men or women) to speak up when they AREN’T comfortable, regardless of what attitudes you were raised with about being polite. To suggest otherwise is to imply that both partners don’t share equal responsibility for a sexual act. If you’re uncomfortable, why are you not responsible for saying so? Why are you able to claim that someone raped you (and potentially ruin the rest of their lives with a sexual assault charge) because you were stone cold sober but couldn’t bring yourself to say “I’m not comfortable with this”?
Please see my response to Question Gal and Anon. Statements like this are why women don’t come forward – because people, without the data to back it up, assume that they are lying about it.
If someone has forced themselves on you many people do not know how they may react in this situation and too often the reaction is to become paralyzed with fear. Particularly for a child or someone NOT naturally in a position of power.
Well said, Dawn. I’ve been in that scenario, and it still haunts me to this day.
“Silence is not consent” actually means the exact opposite of what you are trying to say – that is, EVEN if someone isnt ‘speaking up’, if they are not actively enjoying it, or responding positively to your sexual advances; if they are lying there like a starfish with a look of discomfort on their face then STOP. Maybe they are intimidated, frightened, maybe there is a huge power imbalance that stops them saying NO explicitly but what kind of freak tries to have sex with someone who is not responding positively in any way? It makes it seem like those people only view women as vessels for their penises and not active partakers in sex and frankly, if they take silence as consent from a frightened partner then, when they are accused of rape, it is because they are RAPISTS.
What you are writing here is indeed at the core of the rape culture. “Silence is not consent” is a very problematic standard for this reason; it suggests that men should (…) constantly be checking with them to make sure this is really something they want to do”.
Why in the world is this more problematic than to ask women to unlearn live long social conditioning FAST, and under emotionally difficult and sometimes vary dangerous situations.
And about that “constant” checking and that expiration of consent. Only if you have the wired vision of complete passivity and silence as normal female sexual behavior, does that come a practical problem.
Well said.
This is terrific. Thank you so much for writing it. I grew up in suburban New Jersey and watched the Glen Ridge rape case unfold. When the Steubenville story broke I was appalled that 24 years later the only real change was that the kids had better technology to document the assaults. In January I wrote a post called “Steubenville, Bullying and a Culture of Rape” about my theory that bullying and rape culture go hand in hand and as long as we allow any of our children to be treated like they are above others (and as long as we treat each other that way) these problems will persist.
You are correct: bullying is a warning sign for rape–see the research I linked to below. That’s another good reason that bullying should not be tolerated.
excellent..thank you.
Rape culture is also not only about men being the rapists, and women being the victims. Rape can go the other way: there are women who rape men too, more than the stats show, because men feel like they are inferior if they admit to having been raped, and by a woman. Men are supposed to be seen as the top of the ladder, so reporting rape as a male victim makes them feel insecure. Even some police officers might need to suppress a laugh when they hear about this.
Rape culture is when the victim feels so insecure about themselves that they feel even more unsafe to report to a trusted authority. Rape culture is when laughing at the victim is OK, and as long as the perp looks good and has social capital, he/she’s let off the hook.
Rape culture…
is ugly.
Men should be offended when someone claims that women should prevent rape by not wearing certain things or not going certain places or not acting in a certain way. That line of thinking presumes that you are incapable of control. That you are so base and uncivilized that it takes extraordinary effort for you to walk down the street without raping someone. That you require a certain dress code be maintained, that certain behaviors be employed so that maybe today, just maybe, you won’t rape someone.
It presumes that your natural state is rapist.
—Unknown
So here’s a problem I have with all of this.
The human body and our own naturally developed instincts, as well as our entire societal construct and culture is based around the idea that propagation of the species as driven by sexual intercourse is necessary and important for many reasons.
While “rape” isn’t mindful of consent for the individuals involved or the circumstances surrounding it, it IS a natural part of our genes. Essentially, “It presumes that your natural state is rapist” is just about correct.
That doesn’t make it right though, were not animals – well, mostly not – anymore. And it certainly isn’t. We’ve evolved into higher thinking, formed a system of governance and law, developed a moral code, and by all these things “rape” is an objectionable, intolerable act in an age where personal well being is sacrosanct and protected.
But it’s still an urge, lurking in our psyche. I’m a Care Counselor at a drug and alcohol abuse facility. I work with many convicted criminal addicts, from alcohol and drugs, to sexual addicts… and yes, rapists.
As a recovering addict, it is part of your responsibility to stay away from any kind of triggers that would lead to relapse. An alcoholic shouldn’t work in a bar, for an easy example – though most triggers have nothing to do with the actual problem and vary by person.
Essentially, these people need to learn or relearn what most of us know – it’s important to understand the urge to have sex, to drink, do drugs, commit crimes, and even to rape. But it’s equally important to control your impulses, and not act on every whim that pops into your head, whether positive or negative or anything in-between.
What relevance does this have to anything? Well, two points.
1. I don’t agree with how all-forgiving some of you seem towards certain cases. I do agree that wearing something revealing, drinking to excess and blacking out resulting in rape is certainly not the victims fault – but she also bears responsibility. She never decided to be raped – she did decide to drink until she passed out and took any “choice” away from her. If I drank to excess as the only male in a party with a bunch of women, and I passed out and got raped, I would blame myself equally – because I put myself there. I chose to commit those actions that lead to that moment, even though I didn’t choose the consequences. That choice was taken away from me by myself. No human should ever rape another – but in cases like Steubenville, the only person who put her, unconscious, in that room with a bunch of people of the opposite sex, was her. Don’t get me wrong, the guys there never should have touched her! And the “rape” was only their own decision. But the responsibility of allowing them to do it so easily, relies on her. If I leave my wallet on a table in a public place and walk away, forgetting it on accident, and a thief steals all the money out of it, it’s my responsibility for leaving it in a compromising position just as much as the thieves for stealing it. Not all events in your life are controlled or chosen by you, but any events leading up to such things are entirely your own decision. She never should have been there.
2. There are many circumstances in which I do agree that assigning ANY blame to the victim is wrong. Several stories shared in these comments (the cab driver pushing his way into a home) is entirely a series of events not caused by anything other then the cabbies mental unbalances and deplorable, disgusting actions. If your doing as much as you possibly can to protect yourself from such events, to remove yourself from dangerous situations and stay safe, and have such a thing is forced upon you regardless, then clearly you share no responsibility. Reckless behavior (such as the Steubenville rape victim displayed) such as drinking to excess and blacking out in a place with strangers, is definitely not trying to stay safe.
And it’s stated that in a few places that stopping rape should not be a womans responsibility, that’s not necessarily true. It’s all nice and great to think our society has evolved to a point where violent crime like assault and rape and such are rare, and not something we ever need to protect ourselves from, that’s not true.
In all things, whether it be protection from violent crime or advancement in a career, it’s your own responsibility to care for yourself and protect yourself as best you can in every way possible. If I don’t want to get shot, I won’t spend time with gang bangers.
In short, from either sex, violent or sexual crimes are terrible and should never happen. But it does, and in some cases of reckless behavior on our own behalf part of the responsibility lies on us. It’s important for everyone to care and protect themselves as much as possible, until society actually evolves to the point where we’d like it to be – where we don’t have to anymore.
But that’s not the reality of it, not yet.
I’d also like to point out that it’s not just rape that is ignored and trivialized in our society. Mental illness (an epidemic that probably also contributes a lot to rape cases) is an issue pretty much forgotten about in modern society. I don’t know why problems like mental illness and rape, war crimes and other problems are ignored, whether it’s part wishful thinking on behalf of our society or pacification of the populace by information control, or just simply people avoiding things that make them uncomfortable, but there’s an extreme level of negligence concerning many matters that really needs to be changed, as a society and as a race.
I don’t mean to cause contention, and I’m not attacking anybody or your opinions – just stating my own. Rational discourse is the most important tool we have.
I apologize for the time it took to set your comment public, but when a comment needs response, I tend to wait to approve it until I’ve figured out what I want to say. You make two main points that need to be address.
First, you explain the various ways in which women must take responsibility for their own protection. You highlight the Steubenville case as an example of this.
1) Steubenville is an awful example of this. She was among people she thought were her friends. She shouldn’t have been drinking to excess because she shouldn’t have been drinking to excess, but in no way is she AT ALL – NOT EVEN .00001% – NOT IN THE LEAST – responsible for what happened to her. The decision was made by the young men who raped her. They did not HAVE to rape her. They made that choice. They are 100% culpable.
2) To argue that women should take responsibility for rape by “not putting themselves in dangerous situations” doesn’t work in a world where the vast majority of rape occurs at the hands of someone the victim knows. Your wallet analogy doesn’t work; the perspective provided is more akin to saying, “The pedestrian crossing the road in the crosswalk had it coming when the drunk driver hit him.” We’d never say that. We shouldn’t say it here, either.
3) This argument, like many other caveats in the broader rape culture conversation, is a part of rape culture itself. It perpetuates the idea that the victim could or should have done something to prevent it. We wouldn’t say that to someone who was mugged while waiting for the bus. We wouldn’t say that to someone who was attacked by a loose dog on the street. We wouldn’t say that to someone whose life savings was stolen by some investment banker. We wouldn’t say that to someone whose home was targeted by an arsonist. And we certainly shouldn’t say it here, where victims already face inference of culpability by a culture that trivializes rape at every turn, and we KNOW that. It discourages others from coming forward, which means they don’t get the help they (as you so well know) need, they don’t get justice, and a rapist walks free. With studies indicating rapists who go uncaught are more likely than not to rape again, it is not worth it to try to advance this argument for the sake of argument. There are consequences to our language.
Second, (well, first in the post, but second here), you state, “While “rape” isn’t mindful of consent for the individuals involved or the circumstances surrounding it, it IS a natural part of our genes. Essentially, “It presumes that your natural state is rapist” is just about correct.”
You follow this up by discussing how we have evolved into a society of choices. Precisely. Do not excuse rape by saying it’s “in our nature.” It may be in our nature to urinate when our bladder is full, but for the most part, we don’t walk around peeing our pants at random intervals. We are capable of discerning right from wrong. We are capable of making choices based on that criteria. That’s what matters.
While I appreciate your experience in the mental health field (my sister works in a crisis center – I know how draining the work can be), and I do agree that individuals with mental health issues should receive treatment without the threat of stigma, I would say that the arguments presented here fail to take into account the well-documented impacts of rape culture on a rape victim’s psyche.
You do confuse personal (being careful) and legal and moral responsibility, (not rape) and therefore shift the discourse a way from the real subject.
I just heard about this case today and I have read a lot about it recently. (I don’t watch TV, so that is probably why). I am a man and tend to agree with Anon that the key here is to educate both men and women starting when they are still boys and girls, that concrete consent is a necessary precondition for any kind of sex – as in “Is it okay if I touch you” to “I would like to have sex with you – would you like that too?” As awkward as this seems at first, it is the only way to KNOW that the person you are engaged with wants this to be happening to him/her. I was sickened by the rape itself, but it is easier to push the particulars aside as an uncommon instance. The boys are deviant, aggressive assholes, etc. It is far more difficult for me to handle the comments you gathered in your post, which show exactly how this sort of thing is allowed to happen.
I also agree with Anon that we men, as a group, get defensive when we hear that “all men are rapists”. (I am not saying you do that here, but some do). I have immense compassion for women who have been the victims of sexual assault, rape, or unwanted and aggressive advances. This may sound odd, but I also have compassion for boys and men who grow up in an environment where they haven’t been taught that no means NO, let alone that “not yes” also means no.
Clearly, these boys committed an atrocity. It takes a special kind of deviance and ass-holery to hurt and humiliate any person like that and be proud of it. But since we are talking about rape culture, I wanted to point at that it can be very hard for boys and young men to navigate the very confusing world of sex and hormones when they are surrounded by messages that tell them “conquest is manly”, or that “women deserve it” or that sometimes no does indeed mean please. I can count several experiences in which a woman told me she didn’t want to have sex with me, didn’t want to sleep over, or whatever, only to later ask me why I didn’t push harder. One called me a “pussy” because I didn’t “take what I wanted.” That bothered me a lot when I was younger. Now that I am older, I am proud of erring on the side of caution, but at the time it felt emasculating. This can be incredibly confusing for young men, who then mistakenly think that some women WANT to be coerced-and unfortunately, some women do-or that they are “pussies” if they don’t “take what they want”. (As an aside, I think this stems from the fact that many girls are taught that it is not okay to desire sex).
My point is not to blame the victim or suggest that rape is a woman’s fault. It is just to point out that many of these messages get into the heads of men AND women, boys AND girls. Until we, as a parents, friends, teachers, politicians, reporters, etc. model how to communicate about sex, I fear we will continue to see these kinds of cases. I also think we need more voices to step up and say: “responsible sex is healthy and natural, and it should be talked about openly.” My $1.25.
Keh: Thank you. I’m sure I speak for other commenters as well when I say that I really appreciate such an objectively articulated perspective. This is an example of the kind of earnest, insightful discussion that we need between men and women on this uncomfortable but completely urgent topic.
You clearly understand that rape culture hurts everyone, not just women. What I would like to point out along those lines is that the “all men are rapists” attitude that you referenced does not stem from the whistle-blowing dialogue that attempts to deconstruct rape and rape culture, but on the very assumptions that propagate rape culture itself.
As one easy example of why this is true, the notion that rapes would occur less frequently if women only dressed more modestly *should* evoke the same defensive reaction as “all men are rapists.” It implies that the desire to rape, or the inability to distinguish rape from sex, is some sort of inevitable lowest common denominator among men. In other words, all men are potential rapists.
I completely agree with you. Thank you for stepping up and speaking about this sickening issue.
I honestly don’t even understand why “rape culture” even exists. Rape is rape. Pop culture can be labeled as “culture,” but do we call murder “murder culture”?
No, but apparently rape is something that can be brushed off? Especially if the offenders are good students with “promising futures”?
It’s disgusting.
I just signed this petition, which you might be interested in: https://www.change.org/petitions/cnn-apologize-on-air-for-sympathizing-with-the-steubenville-rapists?utm_campaign=share_button_action_box&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=share_petition.
Again, thank you for speaking up about this. People like you are the ones who make a difference!
I agree with 99% of your post, but the way you characterize the “group of athletes” in the first 15 definitions of rape culture kinda stuck with me. This may just be nitpicking, but you start each of those lines with “Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl,” but the athletes were the same age as her. The way you write it, calling her a young girl, I infer you to be saying that some of the power in their ability to rape is being drawn from an age difference (like Jerry Sandusky raping boys, his age lends to his power over them). I think that characterization of her as a young girl detracts from the real sources of their power that we want to challenge in discussing their case, i.e. their (a) status as athletes (b) male gender.
Again, I’m not saying that age isn’t a source of power in cases of rape, just that it’s not a source of power in that case. Other than that, a well-written piece!
For anyone interested in motives, Marilyn French’s book The War Against Women is a definitive and remarkable essay on the topic of violence against women, worldwide. http://books.google.ca/books/about/The_War_Against_Women.html?id=k9NmnyVjvGcC&redir_esc=y
Reblogged this on opposehumantrafficking and commented:
Food for thought. Why we can’t be silenced on the subject of rape culture
Rape culture is the fact that I got raped, and the damed pig who cam e to my apartment made ajoke about it, then he refuse to investigate it
I just wanted to thank you for posting this. I am a police officer (female one too) and have investigated several sexual assaults. I am still at the beginning of my career and not as jayded as my coworkers and try to always ensure the victim’s safety first and try to build the best case to present to the crown for prosecution. However, it can be very frustrating when someone reports a sexual assault that didn’t happen, usually because they cheated on their boyfriend and then say they were raped when they are caught. It doesn’t happen a lot, but enough that it makes it difficult to have a open mind when starting an investigation for a legitimate sexual assault allegation.
I try to read posts like the one you put up to remember that there can be some sort of systemic discrimination against victims and try to put my best effort into gathering all the evidence and supporting the victim as much as I can during my investigation.
I think that one of the reasons people tend to blame the victim is because they could never see themselves as a victim. I am guilty of that! I am a strong minded female and have been in male dominated fields for pretty much my entire life. While I have known some discrimination, it usually doesn’t stop me from getting what I want and need to be satisfied in my job. I am young and have that ‘I am invincible’ approach to everything. So… When I talk to victims from any crime, I can’t help to think, why didn’t you protect yourself better? Why did the sex assault victim go to the bar alone and drink too much? Why, when the suspect started grabbing at her earlier in the night, didn’t she leave? Why didn’t she go with her friends? Why did she allow herself to be vulnerable?
But I remind myself that in the end it’s not the victim’s fault. I know that even though I wouldn’t do these things myself, I know it’s because I’m afraid that I could get hurt too. Sure, I would like to go out by myself and meet new people and have a good time. But I know I won’t because I know what the consequences could be. And that’s really what this rape culture thing is all about.
In the end I know that without consent, sexual assault is just that and I will do my best to help investigate every case that us presented to me in the best way I can. Whenever I read about other cops not doing the same thing, or trying to make it go away it toughens my resolve to not let myself do the same thing and allow sexuall assaults go unpunished or at least uninvestigated, which is really all thst my role in this is.
Agree with all the points you made!
I think you are doing a great service and hope more officers would follow your example.
Reblogged this on Nice Girls Like Sex Too.
Reading through many of the comments, I find it interesting that, though they often have valid and valuable information to share, it is the men who begin their comments with some form of rejection, dissatisfaction with the content of the post.
Although many, many boys and young men are victims of rape, there are many, many more girls and women who suffer. Suffer and suffer. Why don’t we humbly listen? This is my call to all my brothers: Listen. Every women deserves our utter and utmost respect. Let us hear what they have to say, let us invite them in safety, to share and express. Not immediately defend our threatened selves by rejecting and belittling them.
Why not just say PEOPLE deserve respect? It is NOT just women who deserve respect. Though not the issue of this blog, both men and women deserve respect. It is not just a women’s issue. However, you must also make yourself a respectable person; earn other people’s respect. If you cant make yourself respectable, it is much easier to sweep things under the rug or be ignored.
I’m all about the idea of saying people deserve some basic respect. But in terms of how rape culture manifests itself, the bulk of the instances come in the form of disrespect towards women. The point where I take issue with your comment is when you say, “If you cant make yourself respectable, it is much easier to sweep things under the rug or be ignored.” Men can be raped. Women can be rapists. No scenario involving rape is ok.
I don’t care if you’re a compulsive liar who shoplifts regularly, steals from the Church, and sleeps with your best friend’s husband – you don’t deserve to be raped. Period. Our right to be treated as human beings is not dependent on another’s perception of respectability.
Thank you Ben. Your comment gives me hope 🙂
Thank you.
This needs to stop rape culture is when we are all too brainwashed by men are the oppressors and rapists and women are the victims. What about male rape? Imagine beng raped by someone with a different sexuality than you, with no self lubricating hole. Imgine that theres less help for you and more of a social stigma because of your gender. Imagine if you couldn’t speak to your friendsin fear of being ridiculed.and imagine if male rape is nearly as common as straight rape (which in some places and countries it is). Again the feminazis are at it again, making rape just a women’s problem
Matt, you clearly didn’t read the post, nor the (far-more respectfully and eloquently articulated) similar concerns in the comment section above. No one is saying that men cannot be victims of rape. No one is saying that men cannot feel the detrimental impacts of the rape culture elements discussed here. To acknowledge one form of suffering is not to deny the existence of others.
Rape is rape, brutal, uninvited, abusive. It’s not about pitting one rape against the other, we’re not competing for the worst rape, that’s our capita-patriarchal conditioning to keep us divided. Men and women need to speak out against rape. Thank you for speaking out.
Men are tired of hearing about rape culture because it assigns blames not just to the perpetrators of rape, but to everyone in society. If I’ve never encouraged anyone to rape, committed a rape, or helped cover up a rape, it doesn’t seem right I should be grouped in with a bunch of rapists irrespective of my non-rapey behaviour. The notion that everyone somehow tacitly endorses sexual assault because they don’t flip out over rape jokes in advertisements doesn’t sit well with me or many others I imagine.
The other thing I’d say is that if pushing the notion of rape culture is pissing off as many people as you say it is, you might want to reconsider your tactics rather than sticking to your guns on this one. A theory’s only good if people accept it. If it’s generating a backlash, swap it for another that still furthers your agenda but doesn’t fuel the anti-feminist movements you’ve mentioned above. It’s too condemnatory, you need an approach that appeals to men in terms of their own interests, not just yours.
You may not have ever explicitly encouraged anyone to rape, and you may never have raped anyone yourself, but that does no mean you have not be a culpable participant in rape culture. Your isolation of not calling someone out for a rape joke as an example – and the fact that you don’t think there’s anything wrong with that – is exemplary of rape culture. You’ve been desensitized to the point that the violent attack against another human being is material for comedy. So were the kids seen in this post’s video. They thought it was hilarious. Perhaps if someone at he party had possessed the integrity and courage to stand up to them, we wouldn’t be talking about Steubenville today.
Why does it matter? For context, let’s discuss the evolution of civil rights. Today, if an individual started cracking jokes about black people, throwing around the N-word or making light of someone beating them because of the color of their skin, most people would say something. It’s recognized as wrong. Really, most people wouldn’t make that joke to begin with, because they’d be concerned about just such a backlash. The fact that this sentiment does not also emerge when we discuss rape jokes is, frankly, disgusting. Language shapes our reality, so if we want to change the world, we’ve got to start with changing the way we construct it.
I’m ok with pissing people off. I’m ok with making people uncomfortable. Out of discomfort comes the compulsion for change.
And frankly, this is not just about men or women, as has been commented frequently on this thread. Men can be victims. Women can rape. Women can be (and, sadly, all too frequently are) some of the biggest perpetrators of rape culture. This is everyone’s problem, and ignoring it because it makes you uncomfortable will not make it go away.
My point about pissing people off is that if you’re pissing people off, you’re generally not convincing them of your point nor winning them over to your side. In fact, you do the exact opposite. Being a firebrand might be enjoyable, but if you care about making headway into combating rape culture, you might try appealing to its unwitting adherents rather than condemning them. All that stuff about “having the courage to stand up to rapists” that’s the sort of thing you need more of, men lap that shit up.
I do think you’re right that people including myself are desensitised to violence against women, though I disagree that racism is much further along in terms of what people are and aren’t willing to tolerate. As an outsider, the US appears to me an incredibly racist sort of place, much moreso than over hyah. But I digress.
If I was to summarise my concern, it’s that you’re assigning blame too widely and unwisely. It turns people off and may put them into opposition. Just let me know what opposing rape culture does for me. That’ll get your farther than moral outrage ever will.
We will have to agree to disagree. Given the reaction I’ve had to this piece from both men and women who reached out to say I changed their mind or opened their eyes to something, I’m not all that worried. Will it be a slow and gradual fight to win? Absolutely. Am I willing to fight it? You bet. Hearts and minds, one at a time. If we’re not uncomfortable, we’re not growing.
So……rape culture only occurs when a woman is the victim. Is that right? So when a man is raped and people tell him that men can’t be raped, that’s not rape culture as well?
Never said that, never would. Men can be raped. Women can be rapists. No form of rape or its trivialization is acceptable.
Your article seemed to be very much focused on women being victims of rape culture. The fact is, rape culture against men is far more prevalent and far more overlooked by society. That’s not to say we should stop trying to stop rape culture against women but it annoys me that whenever there is discussion about it, it’s always how women victims are treated. You’d be hard press to find articles that discuss rape culture against male victims.
I think the problem is the form of proof. We can point to tangible instances of rape culture that explicitly targets women, but the proof for explicit impacts for men is in their absence. This post was never intended to be a in-depth, academic take on rape culture; there are those out there better suited to provide such analysis. It was meant to try to open people’s eyes to the very common elements of rape culture that they see every day as a means of helping them understand – again, generally speaking – what rape culture looks like. It’s a starting point – not the end.
As a man and as a member of the clergy, I offer you my full support for your posting. And I call on all men and all religious leaders to end the silent acceptance of rape culture. It is long overdue for all religious communities to speak up against historic oppression of all people, and to particularly denounce our reverence of violence in America. Your posting and your ideas are powerful and i hope will help people to better appreciate the need for us to act.
Reblogged this on Association of Me.
Excellent. Sharing, totally agree.
One tiny niggle – I think it is fair for men to be irritated by the ‘All men are rapists’ phrase which is reactionary, false and extraordinarily unhelpful in preventing rape culture.
Agreed. Not all men are rapists.
That just makes me wonder what issue you took with the AVfM flier, since that is exactly (and only) what it is trying to say. As a male victim of sexual assault by a female. Yes, I AM really tired of hearing the “teach men not to rape” line over-and over- and over again. Because “teaching men not to rape” would have done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to stoop my assault. And in fact has only made it worse because, thanks to such things in part, there are many people who assume women *can’t* rape men.
“Yes, I AM really tired of hearing the “teach men not to rape” line over-and over- and over again. Because “teaching men not to rape” would have done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to stoop my assault.”
I think one of the things that would help, would be to teach women that men do not always want sex. That they are not horny sex machines that will screw anything with two legs. They are capable of being selective and rational about sex and it does not mean they are gay if they don’t want to have sex with you in particular.
I do not know the particulars in your case Jax, but in the cases I’ve heard – this would have helped. Women are raised to expect men to want sex and when they don’t it’s considered insulting to our pride. Some women react very badly to this. Some women just can’t grasp the concept of a guy not wanting to have sex because we’ve been raised to believe that they always do.
This isn’t an exhaustive list of reasons why women rape, but it is one I’ve heard of – so I thought I’d offer my two cents about it.
In my most recent post, I explain why sexual violence education is a really big part of this if you’re interested.
And yet you name two groups that “contribute to rape culture” who dare to say they have a problem with such sexist, ignorant views as “all men are rapists”.
Your SPECIFIC problem was that they dared to make such a complaint against sexism against men.
Community for the Wrongfully Accused is on par the ACLU as a legal advice society that caters to peoples legal rights regardless of guilt or innocence.
You are just as disgusting as those conservatives that claim the ACLU supports Nazis just because it protects their legal right not to be beaten in the street or prosecuted without evidence.
The CWA exists to provide people wrongfully accused with help and legal protection. It’s stated very little about the Steubenville case and defended only baseless lies against them or attempts to deny them the legal right to justice and a fair trial.
My SPECIFIC problem was that they dismissed the reality of rape culture and trivialized important subjects. My SECONDARY problem is that they knowingly distribute inflated “false accusation” numbers which further rape culture. My FINAL problem is that you haven’t been reading along, because if you had, this comment would never have been submitted.
The “chemically altered” culture is a huge factor here. I don’t dink or do drugs and neither does my wife because we do not want our children to grow up thinking that beer in the fridge and booze in the cupboard is the default normality. Raise your boys to be sober and respectful of women. Raise your girls with the knowledge they need to stay safe and strong. Preaching to those who are already lost causes is likely also a lost cause.
Nope, not posting these comments anymore either (and this one is being published as warning for others). Alcohol is not consent. Yes is the only form of consent. The absence of a no is not consent. Any other position on the matter is an apology for rape. Most rape takes place at the hand of someone the victim knows, not because they’re “drunken whores”. And there will be no more implying any such thing here.
So you are really going with putting words in my mouth? I was talking about drunk guys, not “drunken whores”, those are YOUR words. If you want to get away from alcohol, fine, lets talk about the second group of men, the ones that rape sober. These men are so badly broken that they do not have the ability to see past their own selfish desires and do not give a damn about anything you or I have to say. Again, preaching to them is a lost cause. Stopping rape starts with how we bring up our children. Telling an adult who has no issue with committing a rape that he is a part of a “rape culture” is at best amusing them him.
Or they are the product of a privileged society which has instructed them to take what they want – by force if necessary. To simply write them off as “broken” again deflects blame. They are people who made choices. Those choices were heinous.
I completely agree that we need better educational programs, but it’s not as simple as going to talk to kids. That adult that fights me when I say rape culture exists? That’s the person standing in the doorway of the school. And that’s why I write posts like these. I will not reach everyone all of the time, but the responses I’ve gotten indicate that this approach can and does work in changing hearts and minds. Sometimes, it really is people not knowing. Sometimes, we need a shock to the system to get back on track.
This reminds me, sadly, of the conversation around domestic violence where alcohol is used as a defense. “He was just so drunk,” the defense goes. People who study domestic abusers point out that the abuser is always in control. They give themselves permission to abuse. Alcohol may be their excuse for giving themselves permission, but it is not actually taking away from their choice.
If people complain that they’re tired of hearing about “rape culture”, then call it what it is — multiple criminal sexual assaults, aiding and abetting, and misprision of felony. The rapists are criminals, but so is every person who helps to conceal the crime, or protect the criminals, or fails to report the crime.
I thought it was a couple of kids that fingered a drunk girl…. I know it’s bad but they shouldn’t be in the same category as someone that forces themselves on another. If we start using rape to mean everything unwanted sexual the term loses all power.
If you believe this, you’re part of the problem. Rape is rape. There is no realm in which it is appropriate.
what the fuck? in what way did they NOT force themselves on her?
First off, I’ll say that I only have basic knowledge about what happened in Steubenville, because cursory knowledge of the details is about all I can handle without wanting to lose my lunch. I will say, though, that from what I do know, what these guys did was reprehensible, sickening, disgusting, and wrong, and anyone who disagrees with this is at best confused, and at worst seriously and frighteningly deluded. “Fingering a drunk girl” would be bad enough, but they videotaped it too, and apparently the tape showed that their attitudes toward her were downright sociopathic. And this, my friends, is scary. Someone above mentioned the utter lack of regard for another person’s pain; I think it’s pretty clear that these boys never gave one thought or ounce of empathy toward how she would feel until after everything was over, if at all. Steve’s comment did make me think, though, about how we define rape and what it means. Maybe a big part of the problem is that we’re not clear enough about its definition when we teach our children about it. I’d say “everything unwanted sexually” is a good place to start, but I think we need to define it in much clearer and more specific terms. Obviously, forced sexual intercourse, either vaginal, oral or anal, is rape, but we often define inappropriate touching as “molestation”, not rape. The word “molestation” doesn’t sound quite as bad to some people as the word “rape” – should we include inappropriate touching in the definition of rape? What about an unwanted kiss? I’ve made the mistake before of making a move and kissing a woman who didn’t really want me to (as I’m sure other guys have, as well)… am I a rapist? I sure hope not. I’m not trying to be flippant or sarcastic, I’m just wondering what people think. Because while Steve’s post seems to be grossly oversimplifying the issue, it did make me think: Maybe part of the problem is that a lot of people don’t have a clear idea of what rape actually is, even though they really should. The boys in Steubenville obviously didn’t.
UncleJohn – I had the same thought. As a straight male living in a new age of feminism, exactly what constitutes rape is important. I’ve read posts earlier that say “not saying no does not mean consent”. With the reprehensible actions against this poor girl in the Stuebenville case, I get that – she’s passed out – she doesn’t even have the ability to consent or not But, like you said – say I’m on the 3rd date with someone and I go in for the kiss, and they don’t push me away or tell me they are uncomfortable, etc..then am I responsible for rape? Now, I have a general rule that I ask a woman if I can kiss her first. But an interesting thing about that – I did an informal poll from my female friends and asked them if they liked to be asked to be kissed first – 90% of them said No – it would ruin the moment. They want a man to be “confident” and to just kiss them – to be “taken” – their words. Hmm..to be “taken”..does that mean that 90% of my female friends “want” to be raped, if it is indeed so? Living in this age is confusing. I think it’s easy to figure out what rape is when some guy jumps a girl in a dark alley – but date rape is more confusing. To be honest, since I am single, I think I’m best off staying that way – and skip the dating process altogether. I think maybe it’s best, especially being a white male, that I should live like the narrator from “Invisible Man” – in a basement somewhere hidden away from the world, making sure I don’t do or say anything that isn’t right.
Ignatius Reilly – I’m not sure if you’re being facetious or not in the last part of your post, but I’ll just say that staying single for fear of doing anything wrong isn’t really a good way to live your life. Obviously mistakes are going to be made, because the world we live in isn’t a perfect one. Having said that, I think there is a difference between an unwanted kiss and rape; I was being a little facetious myself when I mentioned that. In my case, when I moved in for the kiss and she didn’t respond, I simply stopped and backed away and didn’t pursue it any further. Traditional male roles dictate that men should be assertive and make the first move, and I still believe that things work best when that’s the case (I think this is what your female friends were talking about when they said it would “kill the moment”), but as far as rape is concerned, you’re right, the lines have become a tad fuzzier. I do think that there are several ways in which a woman can say no, and she doesn’t have to explicitly say the word “no” in order to get that message across. It goes without saying that a man should certainly respect her if she say that and back off. My general rule has always been to keep moving forward slowly, and if she wants me to stop, she’ll let me know, and then I stop. I think the difference is whether the guy feels entitled to sex with the woman he’s with, or if he just wants to have sex but is willing to back off if she isn’t ready. The latter shows respect for her wishes, the former does not. And honestly, I think that makes all the difference.
Reblogged this on My Weight in Words and commented:
And to add to what I said yesterday, this blog post brings up a lot more to consider.
I enjoyed j your article in that it made your perspective clear and alerted mine. Few articles do.
I would have enjoyed it more had you not sensationalized but stuck with facts. That picture doesn’t show rape in progress,.for example.
I would hope not.
AMEN!
Reblogged this on Hope for Survivors of Abuse and commented:
A big “Thank you!” to Lauren for this post. This is why we cannot be silent about the dangers and disillusions of rape culture. I agree – I’m tired of talking about it, too. But until I’m not seeing it or hearing about it, I’ll continue to talk about it.
Reblogged this on Titlesnake and commented:
This made me physically sick… I don’t want to live in a world where this happens. I dont want my children to grow up in a world where this happens. How did everything go so wrong? and more importantly; how can it be stopped, NOW?
You’re a brave, good soul and I applaud you.
Now that i have my gravatar i’m posting everywhere! Seriously though, this article is excellent.
Reblogged this on Kait Barnes and commented:
Everyone needs to read this.
And when the word “consent” never arises in the conversation, and they boys defense is based on the argument that they did not understand what they did was “rape” as it was not “forceful” and people sympathize with that. CONSENT. people. consent.
So this lil nasty, giggly bastid thought it was cute and funny and even admitted on camera more than once that this girl was raped and unaware that she was even being raped or urinated on. And had the nerve to be farting like a damn donkey all over the tape. I hope he can still fart like that without shyttin on himself after they buss his azzhole wide open in prison. They should make him giggle afterwards about it too since they can’t film it for all of us to watch.
So in an article about rape culture you flippantly talk about rape in prison. While (adult) men are free from the fear of rape in society, the same cannot be said for those vulnerable in prison. How you can be vehamently oppossed to rape cultre and yet not care about those raped in prison by those who hold power over them?
You’ve hit on so many important points. Thank you so much for posting this. Hope it’s okay if I reblog. Thank you!
Of course – thanks for sharing.
Reblogged this on Tammy Salyer and commented:
A nearly definitive guide on the realities of rape culture. It’s pretty amazing when a woman can be raped and then suffer death threats from complete strangers for having been raped and spoken out about it. That, as much as everything else in this article, is rape culture. A culture that permits, promotes, and protects the abuse of women. Thanks muchly to Lauren Nelson for writing this post.
And to the 1 or 2 in the background who said, “What if she was your daughter or your little sister,” too little too damn late. You should have never let that go down on your watch whether he was your boy or not. You FAILED miserably! PERIOD!
Reblogged this on bekijaya.
Reblogged this on from an unknown indian american and commented:
An excellent and VERY important post that should be read by everyone. And I really do mean everyone.
One of the best articles I’ve read on this topic. Thank you
So wait, if I disagree with the phrase “All men are rapists”, am I displaying willful ignorance?
No.
The willful ignorance is not reading the entire post nor the entire comment thread. No one has said that all men are rapists. No one says that.
Bless you for speaking up, speaking out, and continuing to educate.
Thank you so much for having the guts to post this. Most people “go with the flow” even if the flow is going in the wrong direction. Of course, I believe everyone, male and female, should take precautions to protect themselves in any situation, but that doesn’t mean if someone lets their guard down for a fun evening, they should then be blamed for being violated. I shared this on my Facebook. Hopefully your bravery can fuel more meaningful discussion about this issue. Thank you!!!
Reblogged this on Elle s'en va.
Thanks for writing this. It’s hard to keep talking about, but nearly impossible to keep your mouth shut, right? Because…what the hell? One day/post/conversation at time.
Thank you. Thank you.
An excellent article. Thank you so much for posting it!
As someone who works in criminal defense, I think it is important to distinguish between legitimate “defenses” to an accusation of rape, and the type of defenses that substantiate “rape culture.” There are three and only three defenses to a criminal charge of rape: “it never happened,” “it wasn’t me,” or “she/he consented.” These are legitimate defenses that would establish that the accused is innocent of the crime. On the other hand, victim-blaming (such as claiming the victim was drunk, dressed a certain way, etc) is not a defense and inappropriately places the blame of the rape onto the victim.
The point is this: advocates of rape culture need to be careful not to mix in the legitimate criminal defenses to rape and the “excuses” our society provides rapists for their inappropriate behavior. The latter fits into your definition of rape culture but the prior does not. Someone who is accused of rape who argues that the accuser consented is merely attempting to establish his/ her innocence of the crime and is NOT blaming the victim for causing a rape, because if consent occurred, there was no rape. Sure, the accused could be wrong about what establishes consent, and that mistake could be a symptom of rape culture, but the broad defense of consent is not.
As a side note, I am not saying that rape victims are making false accusations. Instead, I mean to say that there are various errors that can be made (by the police, the accuser, the accused) that could lead to a false conviction. Identifying these errors and arguing them in defense of a criminal prosecution of rape is NOT rape culture. It is criminal defense.
True dat. Even rapists must be considered innocent until proven guilty. Some of comments here make me feel people are trying gather lynch mobs. Sorry for not quite addressing your post, by stating something indirectly related, but w/e. People need to be allowed to defend themselves for a trial to even function.
Defend? Yes. Smear a victim with statements that have zero to do with the crime in question? No.
Correct. That is true when it comes to any trial in fact, that’s why we disallow that in court. This is no different, and why victim blaming is not only logically flawed, but any such “evidence” is completely irrelevant to the case and would be dismissed out of hand by any decent judge. But attempting to refute an accusation of a crime through any of the three stated means is simply providing a criminal defense. Smearing is the exact opposite of what is being talked about. That isn’t even viable as an option for defense.
Rape culture is when people stereotype athletes as being the only people capable of this crime…. This isn’t an “only occurrence”. Wake up.
Read the entire piece. Read the comments. Everyone agrees that athletes are not the only rapists, and everyone agrees that all men don’t rape. But as Lauren noted, this event is in the news, and it involves athletes. And it isn’t the only example.
But refuting something that was not argued is called a “straw man” argument. It is a logical fallacy and should be avoided.
Reblogged this on Breaking Through the Nice and commented:
Wow. I’m atheist and all, but: PREACH, Ms. Nelson!
This is overall an excellent, well-sourced post that I hope gets widely read.
I wanted to say that upfront because I’m about to disagree on one particular point, and I want to make it clear that the reason I’m singling it out is because I find it to be a weak moment in an otherwise strong post.
It’s the sampling of five advertisements. The first, for Belvedere, is plainly disgusting. The second, for a bowling alley, is a tone-deaf offensive joke. The third is just disturbing in its imagery.
But the last two…those aren’t illustrations of rape culture. And putting them alongside those other ads dilutes the point that’s trying to be made.
The rum ad is trying to sell its product to young men who want to be perceived as desirable to women, as opposed to just (as it puts it) in the “Friend Zone.” The couple pictured at the bottom are smiling and seemingly enjoying each other’s company. There’s nothing in the ad that suggests that the man is taking advantage of the woman, or that he’s going to drug or subdue her. (Contrast this with the first three ads.) I’m not sure if the rape implication is supposed to come from the “real drink” phrase, a misinterpretation of “Friend Zone,” or something else.
The Domino’s ad is even more mundane, though it requires some background. In 2010, Domino’s Pizza launched a new ad campaign where they promoted how much they’d changed their pizza in response to complaints. The name of the ad campaign? “Oh Yes We Did.”
http://www.pizzamarketplace.com/article/96623/Domino-s-launches-Oh-Yes-We-Did-viral-campaign
The “No is the New Yes” Artisan ad is playing off this previous Domino’s campaign. (You can even see “Oh Yes We Did” in the bottom right corner of the ad.) Whereas the initial campaign was about promoting how much Domino’s was willing to change its pizza to suit customer demands, the Artisan campaign emphasized that Domino’s WASN’T going to change this pizza. (Playing off the pop culture phrase of “X is the new Y”, and the obvious rhetorical opposites of “Yes” and “No”.)
http://www.pizzamarketplace.com/article/192730/Domino-s-latest-ad-campaign-No-is-the-new-yes
The text of the ad even makes it plain that it’s *Domino’s* that’s saying “No,” and that’s final. To interpret this as a *promotion* of rape culture requires an very odd reading of the ad.
Thank you for the thoughtful comment. I truly do appreciate it. I’ll respond to both of your objections.
First, in relation to the alcohol ad, I disagree. It encourages the use of alcohol as a means of achieving a sexual end, subverting the desires of the woman (in this instance – yes, I know, men can be victims as well). I’ve known too many women and men who were spoon fed liquor by people they trusted and cared for, only to be taken advantage of against a chorus of inebriated nos. When we see a similar situation displayed in a glossy advertisement, we become desensitized to the idea, which complicates our drive to stand up to it when we see it happening in person. The ad attempted to generate buzz via a racy ad. In this case, I’d argue the controversy is outweighed by the actions it appears to justify.
Second, in relation to the Dominos ad, I had encountered this argument on various social media platforms, and considered removing it. When put in context, the advertisement isn’t necessarily offensive. The problem is that few people research the name of an ad campaign. “No is the New Yes” was the largest part of the design in this instance. When I saw first saw it, I did not even glance at the rest of the ad. Why?
Because “No is the New Yes” juxtaposes violently with perhaps one of the most widely used comments when discussing rape and consent – “No means no.” In a culture plagued by “jokes” about saying no when we mean yes, the syntax was enough to make me sick to my stomach.
Do I believe, in either instance, that the advertisers intended to promote rape? No – at least, I’d certainly hope not, because they’d have to be pretty despicable human beings. Does that mean that their choices are without consequence? I’d say no. It’s not always about obvious and direct endorsement of ideas; inference can be just as damaging.
So while I agree that the last two examples are not as strong as those that preceded them, I do believe they provide an opportunity to discuss how covert and unintended rape culture can be, and the importance of being aware of rape culture as we make decisions.
I’m sorry, but you’re flatly wrong about the two ads highlighted here. This commenter is right in both cases, and you should have removed them both. This is designed for mass consumption, viral sharing, and in light of that you need to put your absolute best foot forward. Having an ad playing off the idiom “no is the new yes”, or having a rum ad that is clearly trying to say “demonstrate your value to a freely-choosing woman by buying our quality product” could be fodder for an interesting (separate) post saying “are these instances of rape culture? Discuss.” Presented as they are, it makes you seem unhinged. Remember that your opponents already see you as tilting at windmills, don’t give them ammunition.
The comment “Rape culture is when a speaker at a political convention makes a rape joke about a sexual violence victim advocate, and he brings the house down with laughter” is also a terrible misstep. One only has to watch the video to see the audience moan rather than laugh, to see an aid RUN OUT ONSTAGE MID PERFORMANCE to chastise the speaker (unheard of!!) and see him clearly acknowledge to the audience that he’s now not doing very well (“so how YOU doin?”) The joke, as they say, bombed. You could have said “Rape culture is when a speaker at a political convention makes a rape joke about a sexual violence victim advocate” — full stop. You’d have been absolutely right. Getting greedy, going for the knockout blow “and brings the house down with laughter” (a flat out lie) costs you credibility and ground. Your cause deserves better, both should have been removed before posting.
Remember that in the war you’re fighting, you’re already at a steep disadvantage. You sincerely can’t afford to be sloppy.
Re: the joke issue. I’m not talking about the audience there. I’m talking about the portion of the wider American audience that thought it was so hilarious.
Re: the ads. You disagree with my analysis. That’s perfectly fine; I certainly disagree with your characterization. But you do not address the points made in comments above. Further, this piece (as mentioned about 100 times now) was never meant to be exhaustive. It was meant to start the sprawling conversation you see below it.
I will say this: if it makes me unhinged to question all of this, I’m good with it.
Although it sounds like you are using those last two ads with sound reasoning, I recommend that using them dilutes the power of the rest of the article, simply because my own reaction was very much “those aren’t clear illustrations of rape culture”.
Whether or not they are indeed good examples of how the culture manifests in our daily lives, their inclusion in the article is likely to leave readers not empowered with a sense of trust that what you’re pointing out is trustworthy and true, but with a sense of confusion as to whether or not they can spend more of their time following your line of inquiry and investigation.
In saying that, you have no obligation or responsibility to decide how readers should be influenced by the article, so I would support leaving it how you want it to be just as much as I would support changing it 🙂
Sorry, responded to your other comment before I saw this one. I think the fact that there is disagreement over whether those images should qualify as instances of rape culture is a worthy conversation to have, so I’ll leave them there, and hope that someone sees our exchange 🙂
Just to add to my previous reply, the impression I can foresee many people being left with about the author is “she’s looking for rape culture everywhere, and sees it where it doesn’t exist.”
This one thought has the power to wipe out the obvious clarity and understanding displayed by the rest of the article in people’s minds.
I would also add that the phrase “friend zone” is an aspect of rape culture. It generally refers to men who think they deserve sex from a woman by being her friend, but instead, the woman sticks the man in the “friend zone.”
Thus the indication that a man giving a woman a certain type of alcohol will lead to her being with him is even more insidious.
Good article and comments. I wanted to say that I agree with you about the alcohol ad talking about the friend zone (and the other ads), but I disagree with you about the pizza ad, even without considering the previous poster’s explanation that it’s a play on their previous ad campaign. There are enough solid examples of rape culture that there is no need to seek out offensive interpretations of otherwise harmless phrases.
I would even go so far as to say it’s actually harmful, because as the Adria Richards/PyCon fiasco shows us, it is *very* easy to (cause others to) overreact to this stuff. Not that overreaction is worse than no reaction at all, but there is a proper rational and measured response to strive for. I can easily imagine some people boycotting Domino’s if they see that ad deliberately shared in this context, which in my opinion is overreacting. Raising awareness of rape culture should not mean scrutinizing any phrase comparing no’s to yes’s, any more than insisting my toddler is still hungry even when he says no (because I know he wants dessert, not dinner) is indicative of it.
Hi Luke, thanks for commenting. The reason the phrase was so inflammatory was context. One of the most repeated comments among sexual violence advocates has been, “No means not.” The syntax of the ad flew in the face of this traditional syntax. If you search the campaign, you’ll find I wasn’t alone in my gut reaction; if anything, I’m behind the curve. Why does it matter? Peruse the narratives of survivors on this thread describing how their attacker ignored them when they said, “No.”
A quick note on the Belvedere ad: The image was taken from a comedy sketch. The two characters involved were playing brother and sister, and it was not a sexual situation. It was one sibling not wanting to be in a reenactment of a photo at the behest of the parents in the sketch. Belvedere then took this image out of context for its repulsive ad. So while YES, even the circumstances surrounding the acquisition of the image (without permission) are even more ironic considering the context in which it was used. I just wanted to shed some light on that.
Yes, I had read conflicting reports, but included it because it be came a meme with legs. The fact that people thought it was “funny” enough to pass around made it representative of the idea. Thanks!
Hi! I got linked to this and read some of your others too. Awesome stuff, keep it up.
My 2 cents:
Here’s just one tiny way of attacking this I’ve come up with: Replace the word “rape” as often as possible with “sexual violence”. The word rape at some point meant “plunder or despoil” in a generic sense and grew to be a catch all term for sexual assault. When I was younger, of course I knew rape = bad, but it wasn’t until I was slightly older and first heard the act itself being equated to violence that it struck me as awful on new levels. The word “violence” doesn’t turn stomachs (or roll eyes unfortunately) as much as the word “rape” but it evokes a more visceral reaction. Adding “sexual” in front of it as a qualifier drives home that yes, it is physically sexual, but then the V-word hits like a head on a windshield.
One could argue I’m wasting my time with semantics, but I don’t think so. I think words have impact and can easily alter someone’s perception of something like this. Replacing “rape” with “sexual violence” as often as possible might drive the point home to the uninitiated that this isn’t just “sex without consent”, this isn’t just “despoiling”, it’s absolutely “violence”.
I agree with you, actually, and I try to be aware of that as I write so as not to discount sexual violations which fall outside the parameters of our traditional understanding of rape, and the experience of its victims – particularly in the context of rape culture. I will use the word rape when I am explicitly referring to an action that would be charged as rape, primarily for the purpose of shared understanding, but your comment serves as a good reminder to be even more vigilant on this note. Thanks for commenting!
I can’t comprehend why there are even two sides to this…. how can you be on side with a rapist? And joke about their actions? And even defend them? A Rapist?? Someone who sexually abuses someone else?? What is happening to humanity?????
Reblogged this on Top End of Average.
I can’t articulate what I want to say because this post is like a punch to the gut. A necessary punch, but a punch nonetheless. All I can say is “thank you.” We need more of this. So much more. A million times more.
I teach US History and this entire event reminds me of how entrenched this is in our culture and our historical psyche. In the 50s, women were often directed toward therapy if they complained of domestic abuse. Young girls were taught that boys would naturally want to have sex with them–boys will be boys–but girls had the responsibility to stop them. In my lifetime, I have heard people excuse domestic abuse and suggest that “she did something to cause it.” Our recent political cycle (as Lauren pointed out) revealed that a great many conservatives dislike any woman who has sex outside marriage and want to deny her dignity, healthcare, contraceptives, etc.
As a white male, I am always a little struck by the defensiveness on this issue (often from women as well–as Lauren points out–who often participate in rape culture as much as men) in the same way I find the defensiveness on race issues odd. I suspect there is a connection there between a sense of white privilege and the privilege of patriarchy.
The alcohol ads are saying that if she’s drinking alcohol, her no now can later be a yes.
Thanks for having this discussion, it seems more often than not that we are victims of, or know close friends/family that were victims of rape in any number of environments. This catholic church scandal isn’t surprising, an age-old organization of men, who apparently cannot help but to rape. In Every situation, the responsible parties know, look the other way, or joke. It’s sick, stupid, and . It also gives a bad name to the good men out there, and promotes a growing trend. I also see many of these issues are huge political issues that we let pass by. It is absolutely inhuman that a woman should have, at the hands of our government, a trans-vaginal ultrasound after being raped. It’s also not continental that f’in Fox would make fun of Zerlina Maxwell, who makes the obvious connection that many of us do not want guns, in our hands, in our neighborhoods, let alone as the only guaranteed way to prevent rape.
I live in the Pacific Northwest and we have a horrible history of high incidences of missing women. A recent one to come to trial is this “green river killer” who murderd At Least 51 … the most number of any mass murderer in US history … all women, many under 18, most were prostitutes. But his name is not the most notorious, Ted Bundy’s is.
This shit is frustrating and needs to end. Peace and power for women is better for all.
The problem comes when people say “all men are rapists” that categorically wrong. You can understand why men would go on the defensive. And i feel that the pictures of pizza boxes with slogans on is a little far fetched… it’s pizza. I agree with you though, especially about the adults in authority not dealing with the situation properly. How are these two kids supposed to learn anything when they have them as role models? There seems to be sinister rape culture, i’m from the UK, and have heard shocking stories of drugging and the like at frat parties, so there is no denying rape culture exists. But what we do need to remember that although the girl is the victim, and quite rightly, there is nothing wrong with showing sympathy towards these two boys, these two children! They have a criminal record because they made a stupid, drunken, spur of the moment mistake which they probably knew was wrong in hindsight before they even got caught. Do not label them as criminal as no one has anything to gain from that. They will come out of juvenile detention knowing that they’ve served their time and learnt their lesson, unfortunately this ordeal will never be over for the young girl or these two boys. Yes the women and the girls are the victims but so are the children who have grown up in a rape culture, with coaches who make covering up events like this seem right and just. Yes they are responsible for their actions and have to be held accountable but anyone who doesn’t feel pity or sadness for them needs to reflect on their character and ask themselves what if that were my brother or son because i can assure you that the parents and siblings of these two boys all thought their family would never do something like this.
Sir, I have many issues with your comment, but the minute you said we should have sympathy for the attackers, you lost me. They made a decision. It was theirs and theirs alone. Their punishment is minuscule in comparison to what they inflicted on Jane Doe.
There is an important nuance to discussing rape culture. It is perfectly acceptable to identify rape culture as something that trivializes sexual violence, perpetuating horrible views of the crime as “excusable” or “acceptable”, and that this culture discourages victims from coming forward to get the treatment and justice they need and deserve. It is perfectly acceptable to say that rape culture creates a broader perception problem that may render potential assailants less averse to forcibly taking what they want. It is not, however, acceptable to apply the argument that rape culture to specific cases- in this instance, your assertion that the boys made a “mistake.” They committed a crime. They made a decision. Diminishing the consequences of that decision via sympathy for said consequences is rape apologism.
PERIOD.
May I add? The notion that “all men are rapists” is a manufactured caricature of feminism. HOWEVER, I have found it true that RAPISTS believe that all men are rapists. Here’s what I mean: rapists (with the exception of the Anger Excitation type) tend to believe that they’ve merely done what any other guy would do in that situation, that it’s what men do every day, that it’s just normal sexual conduct, that it’s defensible, and that they simply got unfairly “caught” by a system that’s somehow “against them.”
Where do they get that idea? I have a hunch they might get it from defenders who describe athletically-powerful, physically-mature, choice-making young men as “children” in order to pardon their abusiveness. They might get it from defenders who are willing to overlook intentional, manipulated, cruel, strategic sexual violence, suggesting that they simply slipped up (oops! Rape!). Or by defenders who think rape is merely a spur-of-the-moment goof (in reality, opportunities don’t create rapists; rapists create opportunities). Or by defenders who treat rapists as just misunderstood good kids–but certainly not “criminals!” Gosh no!
The irony in Tom’s comments is that he tries to make the case that coaches who defend guys like these are victimizing the boys, too, by wrongly confusing them with messages that what they’re done is “right and just.” Which comes at the end of Tom’s efforts to do the very same thing.
May I also say that a parent’s assumption that “My boy would NEVER do something like this” is perhaps the reason so many parents fail to ever, ever, even ONCE, discuss issues like consent and coercion with their sons?
MattOKC disappointing I can find a follow button on your site.
*cannot find
in a society that glorifies alcohol and sex, it’s still amazing to me the measures that people go through to justify something like this. it’s sad and disgusting that a 12 minute video can be posted and yet the conviction is in question. and if this girl’s life was ruined enough, she’s become a public spectacle for everyone to tear her down for being drunk. the need for getting drunk by people of all ages is never looked on as a problem. dui’s are a silly inconvenience and violence and rape are consequences of the victim’s actions, not ever the fault of the person who did it. my guess is the next news story will be how this girl killed herself and the media will blame her further for selfishness and mental illness. maybe if we took the time to empathize with our victims in news stories instead of obsessing over the killer, raper, thief, or other type of criminal. a rape is heartbreaking enough without the world’s ignorance to fuel a debate. so sad… i wish more people cared.
It is a fair assessment that athletes run in larger groups together and do at times exhibit an extreme amount of testosterone together, but that does not mean these people will go to the lengths of rape. As an athlete myself in school it was us that got the dirty look when a female willingly took place in a sexual and in fact started the act herself, is that fair? I was not a part of this but still got part of the blame.
Is it part of “rape culture” for some close friends that have grown up together around the block and have no sexual feelings between them if the guys hold down the girls and do things they don’t want like tickling?
There is no way to define this “culture” in a normal way because this is not a normal act. This in fact goes against the norms of ALL societies. Furthermore, while including schools and instances please feel free to do your own research on the Notre Dame sex scandal of 2010-it caused a girl to commit suicide and was swept under the rug. People didn’t want to hear that and made excuses such as “she had mental health issues and was crazy” and the University of Wisconsin band multiple times. If we want to change this thought process we cannot demonize high school kids and some college kids but give others the free pass that ND and Wisconsin got from the public.
I appreciate you sharing your experience. Again, I’m not saying all athletes or athletics are bad. Just pointing to trends and saying they deserve heightened awareness if we’re going to address the problems.
Thanks so much for writing this. I shared it on two Columbia University Facebook pages. I’m a student in the M.A. program at the J-School. It’d be great if you could come and give a talk there in the future, as I feel that journalists often (consciously or not) perpetuate elements of rape culture. Keep doing what you’re doing!
Hello, great article, thanks.
Just been reading all the comments and thought I might as well add some thoughts.
I really believe that the key to it all is education.(Disclaimer.. men are also the victims and their trauma as a result needs to be considered and understood just as much as womens. However, I do feel that gender disparity is somewhat, although not entirely, at fault, and due to my own experience as a woman I will be concentrating on women in this post)
Women are free to do whatever they want and it will never be their fault if they end up the victim of a sexual experience that they do not want, violent or otherwise. I’ve been raped, and I feel myself overcompensating by forcing myself to go to places alone, travel alone, walk around at night alone, and drink the amount of alcohol I want to drink, because my rape was not my fault and I try every day to not let it control me. It also needs to be understood, that no matter how strong the women may feel, if a sudden, unexpected and threatening situation occurs, where you feel overpowered, it is surprisingly easy to clam up and not react as fiercely as you would have imagined yourself to. It is NOT a sign of weakness for the woman. It is NORMAL, and any indication of otherwise ends up with with the victim dealing with feelings of denial that it was rape, and guilt, as if she/he didn’t have enough to deal with anyway.
It took years to be able to talk about what happened to me, yet 1 in 5 women are the victims of sexual abuse once in their lifetime. If somebody is the victim of a none ‘sexual’ crime, they should never feel the need to keep it to themselves, but people DO because talking about it makes people feel uncomfortable, and also it is incredibly difficult to talk about.
I feel very strongly that as well as tackling the causes of rape in our society, (and cannot help feel that it is quite simple.. people own their own bodies.. noone has the right to touch them without very OBVIOUS consent.. noone should be that unable to control their actions), that the consequences of rape for the victim (or survivor as a more common term in the online community) should be understood. If it is so common, why do so few people know about the 3 stages of Rape Trauma Syndrome? I didn’t know myself until 10 years later.
Everybody needs to be educated. Nobody should be sick about hearing about rape until the concept of rape is similar to murder. Relatively rare, and completely unforgiveable with no debate necessary concerning why people may feel motivated to kill somebody. It is just wrong.
Thank you.
Reblogged this on Dispatches from the Swamp and commented:
I have been reading all the outrage this morning about the media’s coverage of the Steubenville case. Is this the first time people have noticed that rape is not about the victim and how it will affect her but about the alleged/convicted attackers and how it will ruin their lives? This is a direct result of how our society views women. Women are disposable, we are here to serve men and if we are not serving men we have no value.
Be outraged, by all means. But please remember the next time the high school football team rapes a woman the rape culture will step in to defend their honour again. No surprise here.
Shared. Thank you so much for this. Aside from the disturbingly large number of people who actively perpetuate rape culture by regarding women as anything but fellow human beings, there are far too many people who are also perpetuating it by remaining silent about it because it’s an uncomfortable topic or they just want everybody to get along. Well, it should be an uncomfortable topic because we’re talking about some of the basest, darkest, most disturbing human behaviour being displayed and accepted throughout our society. Thank you for insisting on keeping the conversation going.
Rape culture is a ghost that those with a religious conviction believe to be true.
Nice turn of phrase. Next time, try to also include reason, warrants, data, or generally responsive commentary.
What a totally excellent entry, timely (in the most tragic sense, since the timeliness of a diagnosis of rape culture can only mean tragedy) and commendably unapologetic. Thank you.
I should also add that you deserve several medals for moderating and responding to these messages, half of which are inane, sexist nonsense at times not even in dialogue with the content of your piece, and with solid responses. Bravo.
Amen.
They’re not calling Maxwell an idiot because she doesn’t think it should be put on the women to stop rape. They’re calling her an idiot because she is arguing against *allowing* women to have a gun, which might stop a rape. I think she’s right that we need to combat attitudes about rape from the ground up, but there will always be rapists, and there are men, *right now*, who are rapists, and they are not going to stop just because we tell them to. That’s reality. In that reality—no, it’s not a woman’s responsibility to stop a rape, because it shouldn’t be happening in the first place. But it does happen. So I’d damn well like the legal right to shoot somebody who’s attempting it. So the people who are calling her an idiot…rude, perhaps. But not part of the rape culture. At ALL. And I think you damage the validity of the rest of your article by including it as an example. They’re angry about rape, too—they just disagree with you about how to prevent it.
(And furthermore…if a few more rapists got shot attempting it, *maybe* that would make them a little more wary of trying in the first place, meaning that the women who don’t carry guns might be just that little bit safer.)
You’re misconstruing her argument. She was responding to a widespread campaign by the NRA to bolster female opposition to gun control propositions. In the interview, she’s arguing that the perspective offered by the NRA – that guns are the solution to rape – is a part of rape culture and should be rejected. The image shared truncated the statements and called her an idiot for suggesting we not put the burden of stopping sexual violence on victims. That’s a pretty clear example of rape culture.
Sensationalist crap. I’m 46 and have never seen/heard/witnessed any men discussing rape in any fashion. This isn’t a general topic amongst anyone I have ever encountered. Sorry whacko blogger, you should be discussing “struck by lightning” culture instead.
And somebody didn’t read the post.
I’m 24 and I have to say I can’t imagine a man somehow makes it to 14 without hearing something awful about rape, let alone 46. You’re looking for men saying “Oh man I want to rape her”, or at least something extremely explicit. That is never going to happen. It’s jokes about rape, it’s talking about hoping liquor or drugs will get a woman to sleep with you, ect.
I can’t scroll through all the comments, but in case it wasn’t mentioned, there was a really successful campaign in Alberta that was focused on men. It’s called “Don’t be that guy” and information on it can be found here:
http://www.theviolencestopshere.ca/dbtg.php
Also a very good campaign was being ran on UK TV recently: http://www.homeoffice.gov.uk/crime/violence-against-women-girls/teenage-rape-prevention/
Really enjoying the thoughtful discussion . I have always considered rape and sexual harassment political acts. They are very effective methods for keeping women “in their place” … And it’s not about sex. To be blunt, everyone has hands and can find release when no partner is available. It’s about women as objects, as property, and if they’re not under male “protection” they are fair game. Islam and Christianity both push this perspective. I am encouraged and heartened by the male posters here who reject this. You rock, guys!
That said, the Steubenville tragedy is confusing on a number of counts. Hopefully we will know if the mess was orchestrated by the girl’s former boyfriend, and if she was roofied, which seems likely considering her lack of memory of events. Also the adults who bought or sold the liquor and provided space for these events need to come to reckoning.
Since the human brain is not fully mature until 25 or so, and lacks critical judgement and doesn’t consider consequences (particularly when drunk…think Lord of the Flies), a little compassion for the perps is in order. Not excuses, not lack of consequences, just compassion. Their lives are not ruined, just forever changed, which is not a bad thing considering where they were going.
Thank you for pointing out that compassion is not the same as an excuse or lack of consequences. Having compassion for these boys isn’t saying that what they did is OK, nor is it feeling sorry for them. I think people often confuse the two. Too many people seem eager to make examples of these boys, and I can understand the feeling, but to anyone who feels this way, I say: Don’t worry, they’ll pay the price for what they did. Explaining their motivations isn’t condoning what they did; in fact, I think it’s necessary to explain their actions so we can understand, as well as we can, why they did what they did, because it might lend some insight into how to stop similar things from happening in the future.
I just wanted to comment on one part of this article that bothers me: The journalist saying “I think that the entire conversation is wrong. I don’t want anybody to be telling women anything. I don’t want men to be telling me what to wear and how to act, not to drink. And I don’t, honestly, want you to tell me that I needed a gun in order to prevent my rape. In my case, don’t tell me if I’d only had a gun, I wouldn’t have been raped. Don’t put it on me to prevent the rape.” And the “just tell men not to rape” movement/campaign/whatever.
In a perfect, ideal world telling someone not to do a terrible thing would work but we don’t live in a perfect, ideal world so that doesn’t work. No amount of saying “But it really should work!” is going to make it work. Your instruction and correction falls on deaf ears and pretending otherwise and saying that there shouldn’t be a discussion on things that victims can do to prevent rape is sticking your head in the sand.
The fact of the matter is that while it shouldn’t be the victim’s responsibility to prevent the rape the victim is the only one with the power to prevent it. This isn’t a just responsibility. It is a practical one. You have no control over other people’s actions. Only your own. And, as your article points out, you certainly can’t count on the people around you to intervene.
To be clear: The rapist is the one to blame. The rapist is guilty no matter how many “risky” behaviors the victim engaged in. The rapist has free will and chooses whether or not to take advantage of someone in a vulnerable situation. Nothing absolves that.
However, if our goal is to reduce the number of rapes and not simply assign blame after one happens, we’ll have greater success teaching people that they are responsible for their own safety, teaching them that they are stronger than they think, and equipping them with the skills necessary to protect themselves. The first step is learning to identify risky situations and then avoiding them.
I’ll point you to my comments above, but let’s try another metaphor here, too. Think about it as a medical treatment plan. Rape frequency is the symptom of the cause – rape culture. Telling women to protect themselves treats the symptoms, but aggravates the underlying condition. No doctor would recommend continuing that treatment. We shouldn’t be recommending it here.
It isn’t a binary choice. We don’t have to choose between addressing rape culture OR teaching women how to protect themselves. Nor would I say that rape culture is the sole cause which means that even if rape culture was completely eliminated neglecting self-protection leaves people vulnerable. There are people out there who know rape is wrong and do it anyways.
To use your metaphor: Doctors treat symptoms all of the time. Most of the medicines on the market are for treating symptoms so that people can live their lives with some semblance of normalcy. No doctor would say “I know you have debilitating pain but I’m not giving you anything for that because that’s just a symptom.”
(Though I am happy to report that rape and sexual violence frequency has declined over 50% since 1995 so something is working: http://bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/fvsv9410.pdf )
In the context of discussion of rape culture, when the protection trope furthers the harms being isolated, it is a binary. You’re right that doctors treat symptoms all the time. What you’re missing in the analogy is that if the treatment of symptoms makes their overall health worse, the treatment is stopped. The data in your report struggles when we see that reporting for the same period is back down to 1995 lows… meaning that decline is suspect at best.
I have to admit that I don’t know much about this case. I think I saw that video before. But, there seemed to be a surprising lack of a rape in the “rape video”. It was also lacking any woman at all. I saw a bunch of drunk boys. Did it occur somewhere else and they were talking about it?
I would never post a video of an actual rape. The video serves as an example of rape culture – a culture in which these young men felt it appropriate to joke about the sexual assault in terms that make the soul ache.
Actually, I think it’s a good idea to provide a real definition instead of examples. Because it becomes a buzzword that people DON’T understand. And people sometimes don’t see it BECAUSE it’s part of the culture.
“Rape culture” is the expectation that men are privileged and ENTITLED to sex and that’s what women are there for. And that expectation is, indeed, endemic in American culture.
I’m going to disagree with you on your broad definition, because it excludes a wide variety of rape culture elements outside of the traditional schema. I prefer, “Rape culture refers to a set of socially tolerated practices and beliefs which trivialize the experience of sexual violence victims, and further propagate the individual and social harms of the crimes.”
Unequivocal definition, as Rape culture is more than an expectation. I greatly appreciate your writing, and look forward to future articles.
I’m a father and husband, and would like to enthusiastically applaud the points in this article. I’d like to add my support to it by commenting from my point of view as a male (since sexual violence is often seen as a gender issue–or perhaps I should say, is often LIMITED to being a gender issue).
I find that one of the manifestations of rape culture is the immediate tendency of men to become defensive and hostile when the topic of rape is discussed. To be fair, some of that is because of the anti-male bias of some bygone anti-rape curricula, but a lot more of it is the defense of male privilege. Here’s what I notice among my male peers in that case:
1) Someone denigrates the entire topic as “crap” or “propaganda” simply because it hasn’t been HIS experience. Which is supreme narcissism, and may actually be a clue why the women in his life haven’t chosen him to personally divulge her experiences.
2) Someone tries to deflect the topic into the “what about women who abuse men?” smokescreen. This is tricky because there are women who DO abuse men, and some of my male peers are survivors of sexual abuse and violence by female perpetrators. The reason I call this a smokescreen isn’t to devalue the topic itself–which is WHOLLY worthy of parsing–but because usually the person who brings it up usually has no intention of continuing through a meaningful examination of it. They brought it up purely as a tactic to turn the tables. Thus, male survivors are their props in defensive rhetoric, just like female survivors are.
3) The “false accusation” obsession. Already addressed skillfully by the author in her rebuttal piece.
4) The denial that there is any such thing as a rape culture at all. I disagree; I think rape is not only NOT socially deviant, I think it’s socially conditioned. I see how my sons are presented every day with cultural and media messages that link their strength and masculinity to power, control, dominance, and violence. I see how rape victims are jeered and disbelieved, while rapists are seen as guys who “got a bad rap” from “the system.” I see how abusive celebrities not only don’t lose their fans, but gain defenders. I see how the sexual depersonalization of women is used as an advertising gimmick.
Here’s the hope: I find that most men want to be on the right side of this issue. We want the women in our lives to trust us, and to feel able to depend on us for help. A lot of the women we know are survivors, and we want to feel competent as their allies. I find that men who are presented with education about how to help a survivor not only feel less defensive about listening, but their acceptance of rape myths drops too. Just learning what survivors go through and what they want from allies seems to do wonders for us as men, as far as improving our own mindset toward rape culture, vicitm-blaming, and feminism.
i really loved this comment. thank you for posting it.
This is really insightful MattOKC thankyou so much for this comment.
Very good comment. Thank you!
Thank you so much for writing this. The saddest part of all of this is that we all have not done anything to collectively change rape culture. And yet the opportunity that with enough “being tired” of this and taking real action, we can change it.
I encourage you and others who write about these things to continue getting out there and being part of an intelligent discussion/call to action. I support you in your efforts to keep reminding people about what it is about rape culture that we need to change and helping to champion the others out there who are also trying to have intelligent conversations about this topic when so many want to twist and miss the point.
Some of those advertisements have little to nothing to do with rape (and one appears to be merely a satirical Internet meme).
False on all counts – research them and see above comments on how rape culture applies (particularly to the last two). If you have something to back up the critique, I’m listening.
While I do believe that owning a gun is not, and should not be the ‘answer-all’ to rape culture I still feel a lot safer in this crazy society carrying one. As the amazing Susan B. Anthony once said “Women must not depend upon the protection of man, but must be taught to protect herself.”
If you want a gun, I’m fine with it (not without restriction – I’ve discussed it previously on this blog). What I’m not fine with is when a discussion of the role of weapons in sexual violence ends in mockery of the idea that women should not feel the need to carry that gun to begin with.
Thank you
Fantastic post, well researched and great use of a current (horrible) event to back up your assertions. Rape culture must end, and the first step is making people aware of what it is and how rampant it has become.
I want to say that it is truly refreshing to see someone stand up against the cultural norms and views on rape. Women are able to have greater equality under the law today because people were willing to face the discomfort of campaigning to change an unfair social code of conduct in the past.
Thank you for posting this.
I hate rape. My wife was raped in a similar scenario as this Stuebenville case as well as sexually assaulted several other times in different scenario’s. I agree with your assessment of “rape culture”. As a man I also find fault in the definition of rape and when a female can claim “rape”.
So….Riddle me this: A drunk female and a drunk male, both attracted to the other and turned on (possibly making out), stumble in to an empty bedroom at a college party. They have sex.
The next morning neither of them remember how they got there and neither remember ever consenting to sex – both experience a high sense of regret.
The new definition of rape you cited in your other article is only an FBI definition for “forcible rape”. Other women’s rights groups have their own definitions with much lower requirements than vaginal/anal penetration. Some call for that label if someone has intercourse without their consent or when they are in a state where they are unable to give consent (drunk) – more like a definition for date rape…..thus my scenario. If a person is a victim merely because they were drunk and had sex, which one was really the victim?
Was there a rape in this case in your opinion? We hear a lot about scenario’s where the female is drunk (Stuebenville) and is penetrated in some way, but if the male is also drunk (and therefore unable to give consent) how can we say (without being in the room) who was the aggressor or who was consenting and if anyone wasn’t consenting and at what point?
Consent is a slippery slope – it need not be gauged by expression or by lack of verbal objection. We say that some are too young to give consent – even if they are well educated and have experienced “the yourning” for several years – because they are under a certain age.
What if the female in this story was the hot senior cheerleader and the guy was a lowly nerd freshman – would that make a difference? What if the guy is the football team quarterback and the girl is a 14 yr old freshman at her first party? Does it matter if one person was “more drunk” than the other or is it like DUI….drunk (.08) is drunk?
Just because the male in this scenario didn’t go to the police and the female did, why does he get in trouble and she doesn’t? The fact is that the male in this case is screwed….the female can go to the police, have a rape test (where they will collect his semen as evidence), and begin criminal proceedings against the male.
What would happen if the male went to the police the next morning? He wasn’t penetrated in the anus (as far as he knows lol), has no way of collecting her vaginal fluids, and would never be taken seriously in my opinion.
Because of the “slipperyness” of these slopes my feeling is that “date rape” should not be called rape at all…..that word should be saved for cases the FBI would call “forcible rape”. So called date rape should be called sexual assault and be evaluated on a case by case basis and investigated with NO BIAS as to who was the victim and who was the assailant (if there even was one) until it can be proven beyond a reasonable doubt that either one person wasn’t drunk or that one person was forcibly raped.
Trying to legislate and litigate drunk sex is an exercise in futility – how many times each day do drunk people have sex in this country? The new FBI definition that switches from “against her will” to “without consent” is only helpful in that it eliminates gender….but it is anti-men in the sense that favors drunk women over drunk men and allows the slippery consent word in to the mix – which will let the government try to sort out what happened at college drinking parties….not good.
So if a guy gets in a car drunk and kills someone who was also drunk walking on the street, do we not press charges because both were drunk? This is apologia at is finest. Marital rape, date rape, acquaintance rape – hell, every form of rape is wrong. Pretending otherwise, or coming up with excuses for the behavior, only makes the problem worse.
I have been reading your article and following along with your points, agreeing most of the time and finding you to be fair until this point.
This to me shows that you have a clear bias towards female victims as you reduced Russ’ fair point to the absurd. He brings a valid point. If two drunk individuals are in a room and engage in intercourse, it is a he said she sad situation, especially if there is no evidence of force or struggle.
As to answer your question about the drunk driver killing a drunk in the street, its a magnitude of the crime. Drunk driving is a felony in the United States and if he killed the drunk on the street, he would be charged with vehicular man slaughter. As for the drunk on the street, if he lived, he would be cited with jay walking and possibly public drunkenness.
The magnitudes of the crimes here are different while drunk, while in the case of our drunk couple in the bedroom, they are participating in a symbiotic act, where both parties are involved.
I want to reiterate that you have made very fair points about rape cultures in your article, so for you to minimize this point and not address how to handle the idea of drunk sex surprised me.
I would like to ask this question purely on how you would define it. If a drunk man and drunk woman engage in sex and the next morning, the man claims to have no recollection of the last night, and finding himself in bed with a woman when he did not remember giving consent. He feels violated and scared. Is he considered a victim of date rape?
If he is, I would contend that Russ made a very good point. Is it which ever party approaches the authorities first after a drunken encounter that is considered the victim?
The girl was passed out and barely able to do anything. She wasn’t actively consenting to what was going on.
The situation you’re talking about is sex that the party or parties regret the next day. Considering most rape goes unreported, I highly doubt there are very many women in this scenario that have filed criminal reports. It would be rape if the man was conscious and the woman was not. Simple. And yes these types of cases are very hard to prove, hence why there is no resulting conviction the vast majority of the time. Also, a woman’s vaginal fluids / cells can be found on a man’s genitalia if no condom was used and if he doesn’t shower so there is a way to collect evidence.
Thank you. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. That’s all I have to say about this.
Wow you go girl in all your opinionation!!! It takes a lot of courage to speak out like this against rape culture because so many have either bought into it or don’t realize how pervasive the brainwashing goes. There’s not much more for me to say as so many have brought up excellent points, including the original article! Keep going! 🙂
Reblogged this on a mile high and then some… and commented:
You’ve no doubt heard about the rape of a sixteen-year old girl and the subsequent media circus (and trial) of two of the young men who were involved. I’ve been following this story for a while, and while I’m pleased to hear about the verdict, I’m sickened by some of the responses on the internet (of course I’m also sickened by the media coverage and their sympathy for the young men convicted). My hope is that we can teach our young people not to rape rather than trying to put the blame back on the victims. Here’s a post I stumbled across, and thought worth sharing:
I can’t forgive myself for not caring more about rape until I escaped a rape attack about three months ago in college. I said to myself if attempted rape is this ugly, I cannot fathom what the completed act must be like. The morning after I seriously thought it was all a dream but as I tried to get out of bed and felt the pain in my body from fighting him off, I remembered that it did happen. Security advised to keep my mouth shut on the matter for my own personal safety saying the guy was a known troublemaker. The psychologist told me that technically he did not do anything to me. Universities and colleges perpetuate rape culture, they will do anything to maintain the illusion of a safe campus while damaging many in the process. I’ve seen him twice since I have returned for semester II. I am so grateful that I study in a foreign country and that this guy will remain in Jamaica. I can’t wait to finish my degree but it is only my first year.
My opinion on calling the current social climate “rape culture”:
I agree that things need to change, but using this term only incenses both sides of the debate, and cheapens the consequences of being raped. Giving a phenomenon a name which immediately makes people angry doesn’t help us deal with the underlying issues, and taking the name away from the act of rape and putting it in a social context only confuses the issue.
Yes, it is unacceptable that our culture complacently accepts the torture of women in advertising. Yes, it is unacceptable to place the blame of rape or the onus to avoid the rape on the victim. Yes, it is unacceptable to sympathize with the perpetrator of a violent crime.
However, this term does not empower people to talk about what happened to them. It doesn’t give people a way to address the issues which have led to this climate. It only gives people a way to sensationalize those who speak out against those of us who speak out against the status quo.
I certainly understand the sentiment, but is the very offensive nature of the term which causes people to pay attention. By calling it something else, not only do we minimize the scope of the issue, but we water down the issue attraction in such a way that we no longer have the same urgency to the call. It is not enough to discuss rape; we have to address the environment that facilitates it. Is it complicated? Yes. Does that mean we shouldn’t talk about it? No. It means we need to work on clarity. Myself included. Finally, it’s a matter of fostering centralized understanding. The issues isolated are interrelated and part of a larger trend. Viewing them separately makes it more difficult to understand that trend, and subsequently, more difficult to fight it. Again, we can do a better job of clarity here, but I have to respectfully disagree with your position.
Thank you for adding the picture of the comments where people are very viciously blaming the girl for drinking too much. It is a sad truth, but I do see why people are quick to blame her–it is because they have ACCEPTED the fact that men, in all of their “instinctual” chauvinism, are very likely to rape an unconscious girl. This is a very CLEAR indication that we live in a society where women, then, have to shoulder this burden MORESO instead of us advocating for a culture where men are discouraged to violate other human beings.
I shared it on 2 websites – till now. This just can’t be true.
And no guns nore the ‘just tell men not to rape women’ is just ridicullous. If she has a gun and needs it, no one will believe it was self-defense, if they don’t even take rape seriously.
And ‘just tell men not to rape women’. *eyeroll* yeah, that’ll help. Sure.
(i’m sharing this site in Germany… )
Great post. I am shocked by the media coverage I’ve seen so far in America. Both newsreader and reporter at CNN (CNN!!) were devastated on behalf of the “poor boys” who had had their futures ruined. As if they forgot what the boys had actually done – raped an unconscious girl! – to deserve their sentence.
I find this absolutely disgusting! And it makes me wonder: How has this case been received by the general public in America? What has the reactions been on these journalists’ odd angle of this case?
Reblogged this on VanCityArt and commented:
This author has taken the time to compile a multitude of resources around the Steubenville rape case and the “rape culture” that pervades much of contemporary society – from advertising to sports.
Reblogged this on Musings of a Survivor and commented:
A friend posted this today on Facebook and it needed reblogging. Trigger warning! Please be aware before reading.
Perfect. Exactly what I’ve been trying to say. And beautifully written!! Reblogged. Thank you!
so rape culture is not something that is it is something that ocures when something you disagree with and to be frank great most disagrees with – shows on tv or in coment section. The rape culture brand tries to paint the whole culture as rape enthusiasts. It is uterly FALSE when relating to entire culture it is a USELESS term in relation to a part of it as it is default that within every culture there will be a fev idiots who are a minority.
The term was coined by feminists to blame entire culture of rape support which is OUTRAGEOUS and hidious tactic. I get that people like the ones who made the coments sympatetic to the rapists are bad for the interests of women first and prettymuch annyone else who has a wife or a girlfriend or a daughter but dont come up with blanket terms that ofend the entire culture in which you and me both are because its an idiotic and evil tactic. I am not a rape legitimizer and i am not in a culture that can be called by anny means a rape culture. and this culture is the culture of all civilised world.
Anybody out there want to take this one? I’ll say this – I’m very glad you spent the time reading this post to ignore its contents.
Hmm. Rape culture paints which culture as being pro-rape? I would read that as criticizing the “rape” part of the culture, rather than the entire culture. Defensive, much?
In some ways you and I agree. By the literal and technical definition of Rape Culture, our culture is not a Rape Culture. A prime example of a culture that fits that definition would be ancient Roman culture where if a young man would decide to seduce and attempt to convince your female slave to elope with him, it was a common, and a socially acceptable response, to as a punishment, teach that boy a lesson by getting a gang of your strong men to rape that boy in response. Their entire culture was focused on the concept of conquest. To the Romans rape was simply an acceptable expression of dominance.
All of this however is very nit-picky as this takes the definition very literally. This is simply an argument on semantics at this point. You let your irritation at the term used distract you from the message. I simply ask you and encourage you to not get as caught up in technical details as to miss the intent in the future.
I reblogged this on my tumblr. You are an amazing woman for posting this. And you were right, that picture did make me sick. I couldn’t even read some of them because I was so disgusted. Thank you, thank you so much for posting this.
A reblogué ceci sur Rien Sur ChaCha and commented:
Add your thoughts here… (optional)
I agree with almost this entire article, except for the statement “Rape culture is when politicians don’t understand how requiring a transvaginal ultrasound of a rape victim seeking an abortion is like raping her all over again.” Only ignorance is shown when you think it’s cruelty to not inform women (especially on such a serious matter as abortion) about exactly what they’re doing. An abortion will never help a girl feel better, it will only worsen everything. And if you think abortion is not killing, look it up. The scientific community has concluded it’s a human being in its very biology. Pro abortion activists assume women know this, and the only question for them is when that life begins to matter. So if it doesn’t to you, then there’s really nothing more to say here.
I’m only approving your comment to let other people respond to it. I have never been a victim of rape, but I’d imagine there are a few who have read this post that would have something to say about this.
Rape victims should be forced to carry their rapists child to term?
When a person is raped, ALL control is stripped away from them.The most basic being control over their own body.The control over whether or not something is inserted into the most private and intimate portions of our body.
Forcing a woman who just had that control taken away to have a vaginal probe inserted into her is nothing short of AGAIN taking away that woman’s control over whether or not something is inserted into the most private and intimate portion of her body.
It could be argued that she is in control because she could choose to not have the abortion, but that is just another way of taking away her control over her body, all based on someone else’s opinion on abortion.
Have you had an abortion? Then you have no idea that while abortion does not “feel” good it can make your whole life better. It does not “worsen everything.” I now have a chance to start a family at the right time in my life and am doing just fine.
As no other person is required to lend their body to the life support of another person, you are doubtless aware that the life support a woman offers is in her gift and she has the right to discontinue it. Research shows that the primary feeling after an abortion is relief and that girls who have abortions so that they continue school are less likely to drop out than girls who have never been pregnant. Laws were enacted against abortion because it was very dangerous, more dangerous than childbirth. That is no longer the case: forcing a woman to give birth is now requiring her to risk her life. And life is sacred, no? So you must allow her to preserve her own.
Sigh. When does the brain develop? Now look at when LEGALLY it is to late to get an abortion. Look at the development of the fetus before that point and tell if and when you describe that as a dependent being, but it’s own individual. After that, let some one explain why they’d want to give up a child that was spawned from that act of hate. Let some one explain their fear of misplaced agression. I have heard the explanation, and I know it is hard to give that explanation to someone who is not supportive understanding and acceptant of your choice, but I for one pledge to any survivor who has went through such an ordeal, that I will accept and support you, as I’m sure many others here will, and I would wish you to do so so we might educate this person, so he might learn and understand himself exactly what he just tripped over. Please be brave. We will be here to help you.
First off, fantastic article!
As an athlete, I initially took offense to athletes being used to describe rape culture, as I read on however, I realized you are calling attention to the events of Steubenville and countless other examples of rape and rape cover-up in sports. Therefore, me taking offense to that would be as invalid as troops taking offense to the documentary “The Invincible War”.
The only point of contention (or I guess question), I had however was in regards to jokes about rape. While the jokes displayed in the article (especially the first 3) are undoubtedly disgusting promotions of rape culture, what about jokes when the whole premise is what a horrendous injustice it is? and does it make any difference if many of these kinds of jokes are made my female comedians? As neither a female, or a victim; I realize I will come off as an ignorant promoter of rape culture but that is not my intention, I just want to gain better understanding of whether this kind of humour does indeed promote rape culture or can it actually work to “expose injustice and not perpetuate it”.
I was watching a similar debate on Twitter yesterday, and to be frank, have not made up my mind. I’ve seen humor be used as an effective rhetorical tool for criticism (and, in fact, use sarcasm to call people out on this blog all the time). I think it depends on context, but I would be interested in hearing from others on the subject, as well.
Great post, thanks for writing it and replying to so many of the comments.
This is an article I read a while ago which I think makes some really great points about why rape jokes are never funny but provides some examples of when they can work:
http://jezebel.com/5925186/how-to-make-a-rape-joke
YES!!
And here is the link to the article about why rape jokes are never funny:
http://www.fugitivus.net/2009/06/24/a-woman-walks-into-a-rape-uh-bar/
Jezebel actually had an article on how to make a rape joke. You’re right, the main part is subverting the joke so the “butt” of the joke is the rapist, the system, etc.–not the victim.
http://jezebel.com/5925186/how-to-make-a-rape-joke
Wow…all I can say is, THANK YOU.
aside from the fact that I’m horrified by the ads at the end, in what world do people sit through an advertising meeting without anyone pointing out that these images may not convey an appropriate message?
I’m so disturbed.
Let’s continue to raise our voices.
So I created two petitions. One here and one through Care2, calling on the commissioners of pro-sports teams to adopt a Zero-Tolerance policy on sexual assault in the pre-pro leagues, with the hopes of creating and effective top-down system to teach our young people that rape is unacceptable, and these attitudes are not going to get them anywhere in life.
The current proposal is this: If you are a player and you are involved in a sex crime, you are banned from the pro leagues for life. If you are a player,a coach, a school offiicial etc. that knowingly cover ups, makes light of, or even assists in a sex crime, you lose your job, and your team/school/district pays monetary fines. Perhaps this will motivate these communities to work on prevention and proper punishment when these crimes happen.
This obviously doesn’t address all the sources of rape or sexual assault, but if you read my petitions, my reasoning explains why I start here.
Please sign and share. Thank you very much.
http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/team-up-against-sexual-assault.html
Yes, and rape culture is also when a group of athletes rape a young boy… but they’re the head coach for Penn State. Let’s make sure we acknowledge rape is about victims, not about damsels.
Read the rest of the piece.
I wish I could assure that girl that it’s the rest of the country that’s fucked up and not her–those little brat bastards are away– even if only for a year, I hope they get what’s coming to them and hard.
Fuck America and all the douchebag scum that think this shit is okay.
This is such a well-made compilation. Thank you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’ll be linking to this often.
Reblogged this on sarahjanelives and commented:
Excellently put. So am I tired of hearing about it? Sure I am, and so is everyone else. You know what I am even MORE tired of? Living in it, and having sons growing up in it. Having a grown daughter living in it. Ignoring it and staying silent about isn’t going to fix it or make it go away. As long as the problem exists, we SHOULD be talking about it.
Hear Hear! from a single parent of a daughter!
Thanks, thanks.
Reblogged this on Transitions and commented:
Well cited summation.
While I think the use of the term “rape culture” is fair, I wish there was a better one. I think of the problem as a morally and sexually corrupt societal issue. Clearly rape is wrong, but the issue isn’t about raping people. The issue is WHY people are violating others in this way.
Let’s take the Steubenville case for example. The problem is so much larger than rape. It’s about entitlement, coverups, the valuing of one’s life over another, poor parenting, and these children’s inability to understand that what is happening is wrong. I have no doubt that if a kid was bullied and committed suicide, or got into a fist fight and died as a result, the outcome would be the same. The “Steubenville Story” would play out exactly the same way only using a different set of variables.
When I was younger, if someone had done what these boys did, I would be disgusted and afraid of them, not taking to Twitter to bash the victim. I, of course, am in my right mind. And that’s the point. We’ve gotten so far away from the “rightness and wrongness” of certain black and white issues, and that signals a much more distressing problem than that of rape. Our society is being morally crushed by itself.
Reblogged this on meaning only exists within a context.
Thank your for writing this, for posting this, for TALKING about this. Thanks for making sure rape culture won’t get swept under the rug like it’s not an important issue.
You had me up until Daniel Tosh. Everything you say is completely valid, and I couldn’t agree more, except in this regard. I won’t bore you with the reasons why you can’t limit the freedom of comedians (in fact, I’d argue it’s somewhat hypocritical), but it falls into the same category as blaming video games for violence. There are a number of issues when it comes to someone heckling a professional comedian at a paid gig, so while all your concerns and arguments are valid, you’re grasping at straws when you call into play jokes by comedians.
I’ve read a lot on what you’re talking about. The problem is that rape isn’t funny, and wishing rape on someone isn’t funny. Presenting the idea in a forum as though it should be funny is rape culture to a tee – it doesn’t matter what spurred the “joke.”
It’s not about whether or not you think rape is funny; it’s about accepting that comedy is purely that, and many of these comedians are utilizing something called satire. It’s especially ironic considering the heckler in question chose to forcibly add her opinion on something in a forum where it wasn’t relevant, and in a manner which is always unacceptable at a comedy club. As the greats like Pryor, Carlin, Hicks, and even Lenny Bruce himself have proven over the years, there’s nothing you can’t joke about. The context is key. None of these comedians actually think this way or believe these things they joke about. That is a big difference. People who don’t like the subject matter at a paid comedy gig (presumably to see a comedian they knew little about) are welcome to leave the room silently.
Tosh’s response was not actually wishing rape on her. I know you mean well, but when you get to this level of infringing on other people’s rights in order to protect your own, you’re missing the point. Advertisements, online groups, news coverage… these are things that fall outside of the realm of comedy because, though of questionable quality, they are real and actually mean to say something. Jokes are just jokes, pure and simple. It’s a matter of preference at this point.
It’s not about what they believe. It’s about the fact that they believe they are entitled to trivialize the very traumatic experiences of hundreds of thousands of victims for laughs and profit. It’s about the fact that irony in a policy issue is only effective when the intended audience perceives the ironic function, where Tosh’s audience (as demonstrated along social media lines) did not. So while he may not have intended to perpetuate rape culture, he did.
I’m not infringing on his rights. He CAN say whatever he wants. That doesn’t mean he SHOULD, and it doesn’t mean he is free from being criticized for his rhetoric.
Calling this “rape culture” is like calling a compound fracture “an issue with a tear in the skin.” Something in our society is broken, deep down, and your “rape culture” is just one part of the scum coming to the surface.
Some will say it is a degradation of family values; others will say it is due to imagery in music videos and movies; still others will reach to blame capitalism or maybe corporations. I won’t pretend to have an answer except that for some reason humans – not Americans, or westerners – have spawned a subculture of people who care only about what they want and not a damn about what is good for others. Maybe it is just greed at the heart of all that ails society. The point is, look deeper.
Rape is not a new phenomena Matt and from talking with women nothing about rape culture has changed except the advent of social media since the 1930’s (as far back as I can go with women folk to talk with) We live in a world where rape is used as a political tool – things like laws allowing English nobels to rape Scots and Irish women on their wedding night. Its about power, it always has been. The stranger raping you in an alley is actually the psychopathic/sociopathic anomaly and society has tacitly agreed that’s wrong – unless you’re a prostitute or homeless but the majority of sexual violence is done by people we know well or by aquaintence, trust, or have in positions of power over us – and those power structures need to change….and it isn’t just the west.
This is a great post. It is truly astounding how our culture treats women right now. And I think that is just a tiny fraction of the whole picture. Our culture comes packaged with the implicit assumption that we Need (capital N) certain things in order to be satisfied with our lives: we need lots of expensive shit, we need lots of money with with to buy said expensive shit, we need social status to be of any worth, we need lots of sex (and many sexual partners) in order to gain that status and worth. And it’s destroying a lot of human potential, and gutting the Earth for all of its precious resources. And lately it’s been manifesting in really nasty ways across our modern media sources. (Which I honestly think is 2/3 of rape culture: giving undue attention to rape stories that garner a national media frenzy to sensationalize the subject and make people feel scared, alone, and powerless in its wake.)
I see rape culture as just one of myriad symptoms of our extraordinarily materialistic tendency as a culture to see the world in terms of what we can “get” from it in order to quell the unconscious insecurities about our low self-worth that we are taught to believe our entire lives. We try to objectify everything because we are under the impression that if we can own it, it’s ours, and we’ll be okay. And rape culture is an extension of this supremely harmful belief. We see it everywhere: popular music, fashion, movies, television, as well as the news: get this, get that and you’ll be ‘better’ than everyone else. Get lots of sex, and you’ll somehow be ‘better’ than people who choose to abstain or have trouble getting their desires met. It’s all about getting and having, and totally disregards being exactly who we are and finding satisfaction from life itself rather than its impermanent manifestations, the shiny things in the world that have become our idols and our jailers.
So yes, I agree with you that there is a lot of bullshit ingrained deep within our society, and outwardly it appears despicable and inhuman. But I wanted to offer to you, in the spirit of goodwill, my perspective on how as individuals we can choose to see our societal troubles in a new light that allows more room for acceptance and love than what you have presented here.
This may seem paradoxical, but in order to truly combat the crass and hollow materialism in our culture (which includes rape culture), we must not combat it. What I mean by that is: we cannot solve the problem of materialism when our hearts are full of anger against other human beings. For that anger targeted against them is just another form of materialism, another “thing” that somebody “did to you,” another piece of evidence that life is treating you unfairly, and however justified it may feel at the time, those emotional reactions actually serve to give more power and influence to the very problem that they are addressing. Posts like this will garner a lot of comments of assent, of people who probably already agreed with you and feel just as disgusted as you do. It will also garner a lot of dissenting comments of people you view as “part of the problem.” But that’s just giving people what they want, isn’t it? Another reason to blame someone else, to shift responsibility to the “others” who are totally 100% at fault for this entire situation. In order to truly change the hearts and minds of the people, we must first be at peace within ourselves, where we are right now, without judging where we are right now. It’s very easy to say, “I give up, the world is disgusting, I hate humanity, I hate where I am right now, and here’s a bunch of stuff that PROVES it.” How often has that attitude ever helped anything of real value take place? In order to live in this world fully, we must accept it as it is, fully, without complaint. Then, we can take action.
We must approach the challenges that we see in our lives without blaming ourselves, and also without blaming the world we see. If we truly want to end sexual violence, how can we do that if we have not accepted, fully, that it is here? “Well, it shouldn’t ever happen.” That is true. It shouldn’t, and it would be wonderful if it didn’t happen ever again. But it’s happening, every day, right now, this very moment it is happening. And we have a tendency as a society to use our disgust or revulsion of a situation in order to feel more superior to it, as if it doesn’t actually exist, as if we had a choice in the matter. I’m not saying rape should exist, I’m just saying that it’s part of our experience now. It’s a reflection of the human condition as it is appearing in this moment. That doesn’t mean it has to be here, and I’m not saying we have resign ourselves to the fact that it’s here and should just roll over and allow it to continue. But I’m pointing to the fact that in order to fully address this challenge, we must see it as it is, without the lens of victimhood or anger to cloud our vision, and respond to it with openness and clarity.
We can choose to see sexual violence, or indeed all violence, as something that is happening. Simply, it’s happening. That’s it. Or we can make it personal and see it as something that “others” are “doing to us.” The former approach allows room for clear thought and action. The latter consumes your mind and body with anger and disgust. Anger and disgust may be justified, but they never solve any problems. If all rape on this planet magically ended tomorrow, we would still be a deeply divided and depressed race. I’m not saying that rape isn’t a big issue. Of course it is. Like all forms of violence, It’s a reflection of the division of humanity against humanity, and is a vivid example of human beings treating each other extremely poorly on a massive scale as a result of how they feel. More than ever, the choice facing humanity is laid bare: unite as one, or continue dividing, plunging even deeper into confusion, despair, and fear.
This is not a war. We are not combatants. It may feel like a war, but it is not a war. This is not men vs. women. This is not rape apologists vs. feminists. This is not intelligent people vs. idiots. This is human beings in unnecessary conflict, human beings doing damage to other human beings because they don’t know any better. When situations like this, situations that seem so utterly senseless and alien, arise in the public consciousness, we as a society usually impulsively scramble to place blame on someone, ultimately someone who is not “us.” It’s always the “monsters,” those other despicable people who are completely and totally responsible for what happens. It’s always someone else. No one is completely and totally responsible for what happens in their lives, but everyone is totally, absolutely responsible for the attitude they take towards the way that they feel right now. This is not to say that people who have been raped should “suck it up, get over it, no big deal.” But it is pointing to the simple truth that we are much more than the sum of our experiences, that they do not ultimately define us. I’m also not saying that I would be fine with being raped. That would obviously be awful, and I’m not wishing it upon myself. But I am saying that we often choose to see ourselves as the victim of circumstances, which totally undermines our deeper value as living beings.
There is often an assumption taking place that says that if only we were could somehow convince everybody to focus on shifting the blame to the perpetrators rather than the victims that we can solve the problem of sexual violence. That is a very superficial solution. That’s an easy answer, and it doesn’t work. We need to go deeper than that. We owe it to ourselves, and to everyone whose life has been affected in any way by sexual violence, or violence of any kind. We need to do our very best to take responsibility for what is already here, let others see the insanity of it, and then let it pass without blaming ANYONE for what happened. We need to come to a place where as a society we choose to see everyone as blameless. When I say blameless, I’m not using it in the sense that we should give people who do bad things to other people a free ride: people who commit sexual crimes belong in jail, plain and simple. We are free to judge their actions. But we give them power by giving them a label, by seeing them as an “other” whom with we have nothing in common, by giving them our sustained attention. We can harbor hatred against them, but ultimately that will only increase the amount of hatred in the world., and will increase suffering. Violence of any kind, be it sexual violence against innocent people or emotional violence against convicted rapists, may feel justified to certain people in certain situations, but it will never, ever, ever be a final solution.
So I guess all I’m really getting at here is: We have the ability in our hearts to love everyone, even those people who we feel great animosity towards, people who we despise, who we think have absolutely nothing in common with. And if we cannot do that, if we cannot love, then at least we can do our best to do no harm. We as individuals all have the power to make an extraordinary choice: to stop perpetuating the cycle of attack and defense that we are taught is “the way things get done” by choosing not to participate in it. I’m not saying that we should resign ourselves to being embroiled in such a deeply divided society. Far from it. Rather, I’m saying that in order for true change to take place, it is absolutely essential that we are fully aware, fully awake to the present situation, which means not using it as a justification for attacking our so-called enemies. Even our enemies are human beings, and we share our mortality with them. The victim is not superior to the rapist, in a wider sense. They are both human beings with limited lifespans. We approach this issue with equanimity for all, or we run away from it with hatred for the other and live out our precious lives with vile, ugly hatred in our hearts and minds, wondering why the universe is so cruel and out to get us.
You’re doing good work, you’re doing what you believe to be right, and that’s really cool. You’re speaking your mind about something that is wrong with society. Thank you for sharing your voice with us. I hope you can take away from this that merely showing us your ire, your impatience, the facts and figures, statistics, studies and examples of “rape culture,” does not address the root of the problem. It’s okay to be disgusted. Being disgusted has its place, and is easily justifiable. But we need to move past disgust, past hurt, past anger, fear, and negativity. We can address these issues with compassion for all, and introduce more love into this world, which ultimately is all we can really do with our time here.
I’m sorry that this post turned out so long, and I hope that I wrote in a way that fosters connection rather than more conflict. I wish you well!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_culture
Please educate yourselves in the term at least to the point of correct use in grammatical sense before ranting about it on the internet, let alone in ideological or sociological sense. Rape Culture is not an action, therefore it is not something anyone can ‘do’ nor is it a thing, so it cannot ‘do’ anything at all, nor is it an event so it cannot ‘happen’ anywhere.
Rape culture is an idea, a concept that exists in our minds. It is only an attribute of a society that is present, or is not present, and has many diverse ideas of effects and causes. By definition(yes I know not the one posted, but for specificity’s sake it is easily inferred from it) A rape culture is a culture or society in which the majority of individuals who comprise that culture have an attitude of approval or tolerance of rape and sexual violence.
Therefore our country, the United States cannot be a rape culture, because as you pointed out yourself in the comments, the general consensus of our society is disapproving of rape, and finds such acts unacceptable, hence these actions being illegal in the first place.
Your thesis is flawed only because you have chosen too broad of a frame of reference. In micro cultures such as the aforementioned athletics programs or prisons there is more than enough evidence for that assertion. The broad sweeping claim that our nation as whole and indeed our global society as a whole, promotes and tolerates rape, however is simply ridiculous.
In regards to your understanding of why and how rape occurs, you seem to be short a few steps but seem to be making a concerted effort in the right direction. The problem of why you don’t truly understand the relation of power in the equation of why someone would rape comes from your basic assumption that there must be something wrong with an individual that would willingly commit rape. That unfortunately is the exact opposite assumption to make when understanding any behavior. Assume the rapist or rather potential rapist is normal rational human being, therefore like yourself and try to find out a person would or would not do this action. Put yourself in their shoes, and think about it a while. You should treat it like everything else, just as the way you ask why the murderer murders, why the thief steals, and why the liar lies. The answer you should find is that it is part of ourselves, part of our animalistic nature, stemmed from our instinct to our individual wants or needs over other individuals, for our survival, but distorted due to our higher complexity. try the exercise and see the darker parts of yourself and human nature. That is the reason rape cannot, will not, ever be able to completely go away, unless something could fundamentally change human nature. but it may still be reduced and managed much like an allergy, immune disorder or mental illness. And also why some kind of sub-culture which can be qualified as a “Rape Culture” will always exist as well in some form in any given society, because there will always be individuals in any given group which do not follow the norm.
Now despite all that I said; you are completely right, or rather on the right track. The only way to reduce rape and to manage our rape increasing sub-cultures is to speak out and proclaim that rape is unacceptable in our culture, and for the courts to give harsh sentences and to be willing to protect the rape victims from harassment and abuse from unenlightened members of the public. So keep speaking out and blogging things like this, and keep conversation growing so that there is what may even described as an oppressive message pervading in our society that rape is unacceptable and shall have dire consequences. Then we may very well see some positive change.
I am tired of hearing about how those boys are losing college scholarships because of the fact they raped an innocent girl. It was rape and there is NO EXCUSE about it. That whole town needs to get their priorities straight. They think that those boys should walk free? I think those boys should get the maximum sentencing for rape, without parole and without bail. I think that the whole football team should be punished for what those boys did. Those boys knew exactly what they were doing and what they were saying. They weren’t little boys, they were close enough to adulthood to know what they were doing was wrong. I am a man and I am not making excuses for those boys and I use the term boys loosely because I think they are more like animals then they are humans. You don’t rape a person, if you are drunk or they are drunk or both. That is not an excuse. Rape is a felony no matter what. ape is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse, which is initiated by one or more persons against another person without that person’s consent. The act may be carried out by physical force, coercion, abuse of authority or with a person who is incapable of valid consent, such as one who is unconscious, incapacitated, or below the legal age of consent. I think those boys are guilty and anyone who defends them is an idiot who needs to get their heads examined.
Excellent. I wrote about this too on my blog but this sums everything up quite perfectly. Thank you for writing it and I will be sharing it!
Would you say that sexism in general is part of rape culture? Or are they two slightly different things?
I think sexism is part of a much larger social trend that can be equally difficult to explain, if not more so. But I also tend to believe that the root of all oppression stems from the construction of artificial hierarchies of worth- be that according to gender, race, faith, age or a number of other identifying qualities. Elements of sexism are, of course, present in rape culture, but to say it is what drives rape culture ignores the different types of rape which may occur, so I hesitate to go that far.
Reblogged this on just one of those day.
Thank you for writing this. Well done!
I’m glad you’re still taking comments on this. I would have thought the “protectors” of the Steubenvile boys would have dissuaded you from allowing people to speak.
Those who say this girl was too young to be drinking around boys, or that she was asking for it, have neither the ability to comprehend the situation, nor the awareness of self to critically think of putting themselves in these shoes.
From 2004-2011, I was in a long-term, devoted relationship. I loved my girlfriend with all my heart. We got engaged, and moved in together January of 2011, our wedding was May 2012. I knew she was bi-curious, and I knew she enjoyed her kink, and I tried to give her what she wanted. She had had 2 simultaneous relationships with women in the past, that I wasn’t all-too-happy about, but we had always been inseparable, and loved each other, or So I thought.
She took a nursing position away from our home, and lived there for weeks at a time, only about to visit home a few days each month, but it was only a summer gig, I thought our lives would resume after. She began to have a relationship with a woman at her job, and managed to get herself in trouble, long story short, and had 2 leaves about 2 weeks short of the job ending. Something was wrong, and I was losing touch of her; all she did was obsess about her “new love”
One night, she complained I had never gotten drunk with her. Being a lightweight, and always a DD, I never thought about drinking. We down a few bottles with mixed drinks, but something was amiss. She kept checking her phone, and at one point, I glanced over to see the text “No, wait until he’s out.” She hid her phone when she saw I was looking, gave me a smirk and continued watching our film. after several drinks, I went to get up, but lost my balance and fell. I came to bound at the mouth, arms behind my back, and legs bound together. I’ll spare the details, but it was painful. I used my strength to loosen the ropes and break out, slapped her across the face, and sat there in a drunken stupor. Sure I was still drunk, and tried to have sex, but looking back, I wasn’t in my right mind. We broke up that night, and it still horrifies me from time to time. I SHOULD have told more people, I SHOULD have done something about it.
But I didn’t. Because men don’t get raped, and being raped while drunk is apparently your own fault. Society needs to change.
This is well written, and I would be sharing this article, if you hadn’t taken the step of including the rape photo and video. Spreading the humiliating images across the internet further violates the rape victim. It’s a pity, because this is one of the best articles on rape culture that I’ve read.
I will respond to you with the text of an email I just sent addressing this very issue:
To be honest, I seriously struggled with their inclusion, but ultimately decided to use them for a few reasons.
To begin with, she is unidentifiable in the media. While this does not necessarily diminish her anguish, it was a critical component of the decision for me. I would never, in a million years, consider posting content which depicted the rape or revealed her identity. Second, i used links on content that could not be visualized. Part of the reason the piece was constructed this way was to provide inescapable and visceral proof of the behavior. Discussing the bad behavior is one thing; it is another to see it. Nothing can prepare you for those images. The amount of emails I’ve received from people saying that those two pieces, in particular, completely changed their mind has been completely overwhelming.
Again, does this address the suffering of the victim? No, admittedly, it does not. But then, the media is already so widely circulated that not including it in a positive context is also cause for pause. If the only time the media is shown is in rape culture-ridden mainstream media reports and sensationalist content that does little to foster productive dialogue, is the suffering all for naught? Part of the reason I fight the way I do is because I feel like we all owe it to each other to keep the balance. There’s a lot of bad in the world, and if we won’t shine a light into the dark, we’re all sort of screwed. If including the media here as a means of shaming the perpetrators over the victim works to counteract some of the vitriol out there, I have to think it matters. It’s a form of reclamation of narrative. I’m still not entirely comfortable with it – it’s not really my narrative to reclaim – but in world where the narrative has become the driving force of public discourse, I guess this is my way of trying to defend her.
I am not closed minded though, and this is clearly a complex issue. I have reservations, and am open to further discussion, if you’re interested.
YES. THANK YOU.
That kind of just sounds like being an asshole or just indulging deliberate avoidance of issues in accordance to classist, capitalistic (social and material) distinctive and patriarchal priorities and values…but I guess “rape culture” is a short and convenient (albeit vague) way to encapsulate that. I’m only “guessing”… However, I do understand what you’re saying and can see the relevance to the construct of rape and an insidious insistence…. I’d just call it the misogyny of the mass media or just being ignorant though.
I personally dislike the idea that “a victim is a victim, a rapist is a rapist.” Oftentimes rape isn’t so cut-and-dry. When I was in high school, I really wanted to have sex with my girlfriend. She didn’t, so we just continued foreplay. But as we were getting more into it, I kept asking her if we could have sex until finally she said yes. The sex wasn’t enjoyable for either of us, yet we continued. When it was over, I felt absolutely horrible, and she did, too. I felt I had raped her, though to this day she will say I didn’t.
In college, my girlfriend would often force me to have sex when I didn’t want to, claiming that if I didn’t want to have sex it was because I didn’t love her anymore.
A friend and I were having sex at a beach late one night, when a man walking his bike came by and stared at us. We stopped and stared back at him till he left. A few minutes later he came up behind me and began licking my anus. When I kicked and screamed out of shock, he jumped back and ran away. He was clearly drunk and in his mind, our public display was an invitation for him to join.
In all three cases, I have trouble saying that any of us are “rapists,” which suggests that all three of us like to force people to have sex against their wills. There are a lot of factors involved, a lot of gray area, and to simply say, “that was rape, so they’re rapists,” is to withhold a great deal of compassion and understanding from us in those situations.
Rape culture affects all of us. It affects the way we perceive ourselves, our sexuality, others, and their sexuality. Over the years, the rule I have made is to always remind myself that the people around me are complex individuals with their own wants and desires. If their wants and desires aren’t being communicated, I have to take another step to ask. When this happens, I can have understanding with another, and we can be sure not to cross each other’s boundaries. In this way, the best weapon against rape culture is compassion, and to practice it constantly. But to simply declare someone “a rapist” and withdraw all empathy from them, that only seems to perpetuate a habit of not looking deeply at the person across from you, not trying to understand their experience.
All this is to mainly say, though, that this issue is very complicated to me. There are a lot of different voices making a lot of conflicting claims about rape and rape culture. My experiences have led me to believe that we need to have more complex conversations about what is rape and what isn’t, and what the appropriate ways to respond are. If you decide you’ve been raped, is it always right to go to the authorities and report it?
I still have a lot of confusion and uncertainty about this, and especially about the way we talk about rape culture.
Thank you for this article. You have put the information together in a way that makes the existence of rape culture undeniable.
However, I was reading through the comments on the piece and have to say I am somewhat disappointed by the way you handled the “what about the menz?” commentators. Basically, I think you are letting them derail and distract from what is really an important point that needs to be made about rape culture: that it is largely created and perpetuated by the actions of men.
The fact that men are the predominant perpetrators of rape culture is an important characteristic of the problem and it cannot be ignored if one wants to actually get serious about finding a solution.
To illustrate my point further, it’s also true, for example, that SOME men get breast cancer. (http://www.cancer.org/cancer/breastcancerinmen/detailedguide/breast-cancer-in-men-what-is-breast-cancer-in-men) So do we then declare breast cancer a gender neutral disease because SOME men get it? Do we ignore the reality that it is mostly women who suffer from breast cancer when we conduct research that looks into prevention and finding a cure? The logical answer to the above two questions is “no”. Because to ignore the fact that breast cancer mostly affects women is to ignore a really important characteristic of that disease . This doesn’t mean we ignore and don’t treat the men who get breast cancer also, but obviously, our efforts should mostly concentrate on how it affects women because women are the majority of those who are affected.
So then, the same logic should be applied to rape culture. A quick perusing of statistics on sexual violence should reveal that men are the dominant perpetrators. According to the National Violence Against Women Survey, for example,
*Women are more likely to be victims of sexual violence than men: 78% of the victims of rape and sexual assault are women and 22% are men.
* MOST PERPETRATORS OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE ARE MEN. Among acts of sexual violence committed against women since the age of 18, 100% of rapes, 92% of physical assaults, and 97% of stalking acts were perpetrated by men. Sexual violence against men is also mainly male violence: 70% of rapes, 86% of physical assaults, and 65% of stalking acts were perpetrated by men. http://www.nij.gov/pubs-sum/183781.htm
Again, these statistics cannot be ignored as it is important to know what group (answer: men) need to be targeted in order to understand the CAUSES of this violence.
If the “what about the menz?” commentators are so concerned about women’s violence against men, no one is stopping them from helping these man. But these commentators should be stopped from coming onto sites that are dedicated to ending violence against women and creating the false impression that women’s violence against men is comparable in scope to men’s violence against women.
I am a man and stand up for men’s rights as well as women’s rights. I agree that most sexual assaults are perpetrated by men and that very few men are raped compared to women. Rape is terrible and serial rapists should be castrated and/or locked away forever.
My problem is this: If the man is drunk and the woman is drunk and they are in a closed room by themselves who is to say who is the perp and who is the victim? Is it not possible that the female forced herself on the male? What if the male is all for it at first but then changes his mind? Women’s rights advocates would call that rape in a second…..would the same rights be afforded to a male?
The new FBI definition of rape is basically penetration without consent. According to women’s rights advocates being drunk automatically means a person can’t give consent. So according to them any drunk (.08) female who is penetrated by a male sex organ or object has been raped! That is just wrong.
This new definition also means men can only be raped if the perp is another male or a female who anally penetrates a man with an object. If that is true, the female teacher who gives oral sex to her drunk 18 year old student IS NOT guilty of rape! That is just wrong.
What if I was drunk and my girlfriend sticks her finger in my ass? By definition that should be rape – and she should be prosecuted and get a year in jail! That is just wrong.
If two people are drunk and alone in a room where sexual intercourse takes place, is there a rape? Who was the perpetrator? Isn’t it possible that the male was raped and the female should be charged? Did they rape each other? I guess everyone that has drunk sex is a criminal!
The point is that there is too much grey area here…he government shouldn’t be in the business of playing referee at college drinking parties where everyone is drunk! Equal rights means equal rights….that means that males should have the same definition of rape as females and that females should be prosecuted with equal vigor!
Repeat offendors being castrated symbolises “taking his power away” but also means that the power and will to rape reside in the penis. This implies that all tose and only this with a penis have the power to rape. Very Roman I might say. This intern glorifies the penis and indeed glorifies rape. This is Rape Culture my friend. If you looked at sexuality over the span of human history, perception of power, and rape, this should be all too clear.
Ms Nelson, I am SO sorry. I waited, slept on it, almost didn’t post this. But I just couldn’t let Elle Fury’s post pass. And thank you for what you’re trying to do, to accomplish. Personally, I will continue to fight for everyone, of both sexes – and I think, honestly, there’s too much of what Elle is saying in this debate. This needs to be a partnership, of everyone, and as long as women (and there are far too many) are chasing away male allies in this fight, it’s going to perpetuate the separation, the idea that this is women against men, rather than decent respectful women AND men against the neanderthals of either sex. I hope you approve and post this comment, if only because it was the hardest thing I’ve written, and I think it’ll bring a lot of that to light.
—
@ Elle Fury:
I wonder if you realize just how many logical fallacies you have in this comment. Leaving aside the glaringly obvious one, where at the end you basically say “men, help yourselves” despite the fact that the complete focus of the entire movement is to have _everyone_ working to address the problem in its entirety, let me address a few of the others:
First, you seem to be conflating “rape” and “rape culture.” That’s confusing, and not helpful.
Second, the cancer analogy isn’t very apt, for this reason: when women get breast cancer, they’re not shamed for it. They’re not attacked, blamed, dismissed. They aren’t threatened, made to be afraid to speak up about it. They aren’t stigmatized by society. And neither are men. And you’re right… we don’t ignore men who get breast cancer. We address the problem – EVEN THOUGH it’s a small fraction of the overall population of breast cancer victims. So it’s a completely different situation. But if you do want to continue the analogy…then shouldn’t we, indeed, treat both, and address ALL instances of rape and sexual assault, not just the ones that affect women? Nor just the ones men commit? And do it without stigma?
Next, you seem to have missed that most of the posts from men asking about male victims come _from_ male victims, and of those, they’re almost exclusively male victims of women. Including myself. So whatever the statistics may be (and I’ll get to those in a moment), you’re basically telling those men, here, that they don’t matter. That their experiences don’t matter. Their RAPES don’t matter. You’re telling them to shut up, be silent, accept being ignored. Belittling them via dismissal, if nothing else. Sounds remarkably like “shaming the victim” to me. Congratulations… you’re an active part of exactly what’s being decried.
Now, if I still have you: those statistics. Some 1 in 5 women – 20% – will be a victim of rape or sexual assault in their lifetimes. And you yourself have noted that 22% of all rapes/ sexual assaults happen to males. So you’re suggesting that the same percentage of sexual assaults overall – in fact, a small fraction more – should be largely ignored or at least set aside, not given significant attention – as the percentage of women overall who suffer the same. And this is ignoring under-reporting – which, given that by percentages, rape of men is the most under-reported crime in America, is probably huge. Again, congratulations… you’re an active part of what’s being decried.
And last… and WARNING, folks. THERE ARE GOING TO BE TRIGGERS ALL OVER THIS. I’m shaking already. I’ve never said this before, not like this. But at this point I think I should.
You mention women’s violence against men not being remotely in scope to men’s against women. In numbers? No. But… I should mention I’m a small guy. I was 21? 22? More than half my life ago. My then-girlfriend was breaking up with me. Just had, in fact. We were alone at her sister’s place. I was distraught (I loved this woman a great deal), and sitting on the floor crying to the point of exhausted sobbing. Her solution, to stop my crying, stop me being so upset? You know where this is going… she laid me out on the floor, put me under her. Me shaking my head in denial, crying so much I couldn’t speak, and she got my pants off and, I think the phrase is “had her way with me.” Vaginally and anally. And when it was over and I was silent, tearless and exhausted, she smiled and told me “I knew what you needed was a good fuck.”
And she wasn’t the worst. That would be who I dated before her, who was sexually coercive, manipulative, forceful, teasing, abusive. Who was mentally and emotionally abusive as well: mocking, belittling, insulting, including not just me, my decision to change majors, other decisions in my life; but also my father’s profession, things about how I grew up. Physically as well: kicks, hitting, punching, sometimes just because she didn’t like how I phrased something. She, interestingly enough, was an athlete – a basketball player. And from a pretty wealthy, privileged background. And when I finally had the courage and the strength to end that relationship, after 3 years… she used her key (day after I broke up with her, and I hadn’t changed the locks yet), came into my apartment, and attempted suicide by swallowing a whole bottle of codeine and getting into my bed. I found it. Found her. Called the ambulance. Followed it – by bus, because I couldn’t legally ride in the ambulance – and waited while she was tended. Saw her safely home. Helped arrange counseling. And paid the hospital bill. And the whole time, felt guilty because I’d been so completely awful for breaking up with her when she loved me so much…
More detail? Or is that enough for scope? One more time: congratulations… you’re part of the problem.
Okay. I’m very glad most here seem committed to this cause, for everyone. I am too. But I’m done here. For now, I need to be.
Seriously, thank you for sharing.
I am truly very sorry for what happened to you. No one deserves to be treated in this way.
That being said, your status as a male victim of female rape does not give you the license to misrepresent what I have said.
And I think what I said was very logical and very clear.
I did not say the experiences of male rape victims “don’t matter.” I did not tell them “to shut up, be silent, accept being ignored.” You are saying I wrote things that I didn’t.
I said, while backing myself up with statistical support, that “MOST PERPETRATORS OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE ARE MEN”. I also said that the fact that most perpetrators of sexual violence are men is an important characteristic of the problem. This fact needs to be acknowledged if we hope to find a solution.
The cancer analogy was meant to demonstrate that we as a society usually don’t have problems recognizing the PATTERNS of a physical disease- i.e. what demographic of people is mostly affected, what dietary and lifestyle choices affect the likelihood that someone will get the disease, etc. So why are we having trouble recognizing the PATTERNS of a SOCIAL disease? The fact that males are overwhelming the perpetrators of sexual violence is a PATTERN of the “disease” of rape. This characteristic would be foolish to ignore. This is why the analogy works.
As for your comment about my usage of rape culture vs. rape:
A quick recap of the most important lesson in Feminism 101: Patriarchy exists. http://finallyfeminism101.wordpress.com/ Patriarchy = Mostly men controlling politics, the media, religion sports, etc. Therefore, rape culture, a culture in which “people are surrounded with images, language, laws, and other everyday phenomena that validate and perpetuate rape” (http://www.upsettingrapeculture.com/rapeculture.html), is also largely perpetuated by men as they hold most of the power to disseminate these images, language, laws, etc. that surround us.
Rape culture leads to actual rape. Actual rape is supported by rape culture. As already stated above, the majority of rapists are men.*
Thus, as a feminist, I get upset when I see comments like “Yes please, talk about [rape culture] from a gender neutral stance…” or “Gender bias makes it harder for men to report rape – so we really don’t know if the VAST majority of rape is male against female.” (See comments above.)
And as I said before, these commentators are (perhaps deliberately) trying to create the false impression that rape is a gender neutral problem. THESE are the people who are the problem- NOT ME. If you are a feminist, if you are interested in the facts, if you recognize that individual exceptions should not keep us from seeing the bigger picture, you should know that rape IS NOT a gender neutral problem. THIS DOES NOT MEAN I AM DENYING THAT MALE VICTIMS OF FEMALE SEXUAL VIOLENCE EXIST OR THAT THEIR SUFFERING SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. But it is me saying I do not think their examples should be used to distract from the reality that the majority of victims are female, ESPECIALLY on a feminist blog.
*Lest I get accused of “hating all men” or promoting the belief that they are “naturally violent”, let me clarify that I do not believe men are INHERENTLY more violent than women; rather, I believe (as most feminists do) that they are socialized to be this way.
Elle Fury,
I think there’s got to be a way to acknowledge male victims in discourse about rape culture. You are correct that, statistically speaking, male victims are far fewer, and male perpetrators are plentiful, but does that truly discount the experience of the victim? Is it not possible to acknowledge that women are disproportionately (to a gross extent) victims of sexual violence in comparison to men, but still acknowledge that rape – in any context, of anyone – is wrong?
I think you’re both making valid points. Jonathon, you’re right – it doesn’t make sense for a group that has been persistently marginalized to attempt to find a solution through marginalization of another (and arguably similar) group. Elle Fury, you’re right, too – when discussions of male victimization are used in a detracting manner (ex. “I am sorry for your suffering, BUT-” v. “I am sorry for your suffering, AND-“), they seem dismissive and distracting.
Let me put it this way – would it be possible to agree that:
– Rape is never a good thing.
– Individual suffering should not be blanketly dismissed.
– Expression of individual suffering is an important part of building understanding of a very complex issue.
– Expression of individual suffering should not be used to intentionally call away attention from the suffering of another.
– Both men and women are capable of raping and being raped.
– Women are statistically more likely to be victims of sexual violence, and a plurality of assailants are male.
– These statistics do not mean that all victims are female or that all assailants are male.
– These statistics should still guide the solution development process, as they may contribute to the design of an effective, segmented approach to combatting rape culture.
– None of us in this particular conversation are actively attempting to engage in rape culture; we’re trying to figure out a way to fight it together.
I genuinely am not attempting to discount either of your perspectives, nor those of others who have weighed in on this topic. This is an important conversation, and I am grateful that you have chosen to engage in it. Your voices matter.
I can understand why people are tired of the term “rape culture”.
The term infers that everyone within that culture is complicit for the crimes of a few.
When advice is given to women on how to avoid being raped it is not an acceptance
of rape, it is an acknowledgement that rape happens and we want to prevent as many
of them as possible. It is not “blaming” the victim, its an attempt to make sure that she is
not a victim. If you are aware that part of a frozen lake has thin ice it is appropriate to let people know that the ice is thin because we don’t want them to fall through the ice.
Yes, I know its an imperfect analogy.
And the statement “Just tell men not to rape” IS idiotic. We ALREADY tell them that
and it still happens! Rape is not just immoral, its against the law. We build jails to keep
them away from people so they will not be able to victimize them more. So in ADDITION
to telling men that it is wrong, we jail those who commit that crime and we do our bests
to not allow other women to be raped.
In a perfect world we would not have crime. This is not a perfect world. I agree that it is
wrong that there are men that rape women and women should be able to drink and dress
however they please, etc. Sadly, there will always be those that use a woman’s choice
to become inebriated as an excuse to take advantage of that state. You may not want to
hear the fact that certain activities make you vulnerable, but its like the emperor getting
mad when he’s told he is not wearing clothes.
Somebody else take this one? Getting tired of repeating myself.
Lauren – thanks for the blog post. More conversations like this need to happen. And you’ve done a stellar job of answering comments, so take a break while I give this one a go…
Dear Richard,
By advising potential victims on how to avoid being raped, we as a community accept that rape is part of our culture. Please stop.
Everyone in a rape culture is complicit in its pervasiveness if we choose to do nothing about it, skirt around it, dress it up, excuse it, and generally accept that it’s expected because it’s just magically part of life. It’s not. We allow it – like we allow many other things I won’t take on here.
We’re rely on the culture we create to help set boundaries. This is an ongoing process, but I believe in good people. (okay, so maybe I’m an optimistic realist)
It’s less about “a right to wear whatever we want” and more about our collective obligation to create a culture where we don’t need the right in the first place.
Respectfully,
another person who had something bad happen to her but who’s kinda tired of explaining it – and who refuses to let it follow her into another decade of life
It’s not that rape is a part of our culture. Violence is a part of our culture. Rape is just one form of violence. It makes no sense to not encourage women to reduce their risk of rape simply because you have a notion of this ideal world where rape does not exist.
And you’re tired of repeating yourself? Maybe that’s because this whole rape culture concept isn’t as cut and dry as you think it is.
@Lauren Nelson: Hold on Phluffy got this.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_culture
@Richard: there you go. Have fun.
He is right about one thing; inebriation to the point of unconsciousness does leave you vulnerable to whatever the individuals around wish to do to you. So does sleeping. These facts are another issue entirely than rape culture and are really about alchohol. That is factor in the Stubenvile case, not in rape and rape culture itself.
Being vulnerable does not make one any less of a victim.
Very true. That is why I pointed out a biologically necessary function that leaves us all vulnerable for a period of time each day. That was to demonstrate it was a moot point in this discussion. What a Rapist does is take advantage of an individual’s vulnerability in order to assert themselves upon that individual, or force them into a vulnerable state so they can do so, the very fact the they are praying upon the vulnerable, is part of what makes them reprehensible. This does not mean people shouldn’t be aware of when they are most vulnerable, so they can be cautious and weary. But again, that is simply about self protection, and is not a requirement. It is just well advised. The predator who preys on the vulnerable is always the only guilty party.
Reblogged this on Cinnabar Coast.
preach it sister!
Thank you for this. I cannot finish reading the comments and I cannot even begin to join the conversation at this point but I am perhaps stupidly hopeful about the fact that the conversation has at least been started in more places at once than I have ever seen, read, or heard before.
Me I’m a survivor of familial rape as well as of “dark alley” (well it was a beach on a sunny sunday afternoon but I was jumped by a complete stranger against all odds) rape. The only thing I can be sure that I want to say at the moment is that nobody, but nobody, is ever justified in asking rape survivors to keep quiet about what happened to us, and that our emotional, experiential, and interpretive perspectives are in fact badly needed to complete the picture of what rape “really” is and what it really does.
Because the lid needs to be blown off this place: the culture(s) we all share as speakers who can understand each other.
Thank you for posting this.
This is an impressive post and an important conversation. I do wish, however, that you had written “CNN” instead of “the mainstream media” since not all mass or mainstream news organizations focused on the tragic aspects of the verdict. Lots of journalists got this right and its important that media critics recognize this.
While CNN got the most attention, there were also plenty of other media sources who devoted copy to covering the tragic loss of bright futures. I do agree that some journalists have gotten it right, though. Twitter has been an inspiration in this vein; a lot of smart, important commentary right now.
I actually have a bit of a different take on the CNN thing. I do not like what they said…or rather, how they said it. I actually think we SHOULD feel sad for the waste of potential that happened, which is not to say that I think the two boys deserve any pity. I feel very sad that they chose to do things that will limit what they can do with their lives on the future, but my pity goes to their victim. But I do think being sad about the consequences should be part of the conversation, especially with our children. “I am sad when I think of all the fantastic opportunities these boys will never have now, because of the choices they made… Let’s talk about those choices, to make sure you understand why they were bad choices. Let’s start with a very basic one…. Being unconscious and unable to say ‘no’ is never the same as saying ‘yes'”. I also think having conversations with our kids about not putting themselves into vulnerable positions is important, but it belongs in the “look both ways before crossing the street” conversation, not the “don’t violate people” conversation.
I thought this was an excellent article. I always tell myself not to read comments, but then I do…I am surprised by how many people were critical of your piece because it did not include EVERYTHING about rape culture. No article can do that and I thought yours was very extensive, raising a lot of great points. Thank you.
Thank you for that fantastic voice for men site. If it weren’t for you, I’d never have found it.
Enjoy all the inaccurate data, misogyny, and hate. Since that seems up your alley, please don’t come back.
I would like to first say that the news of this incident was and still is horrifying to me, personally. These boys were severely mistreated in that they should be serving 10 year minimums in the “big boy jail,” instead of a combined 3 years in juvie. COMBINED… However, this article left a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak. As an NCAA division 1 athlete I am grossly offended at the fact that you specifically target athletes in your rhetoric. Yes, they are football players and in that town the citizens defended them because of that. I think that instead of using the phrase, “group of athletes,” you should have said something akin to “a rowdy, uneducated, unsympathetic, group of belligerent teenagers with a lack of respect for women” instead. You fail to recognize in your piece that correlation does not indicate causation; the fact that they were athletes had nothing to do with the fact that they committed the rape. Sure, that may have been a reason for why they have been handled delicately in some cases and from some perspectives, but their athletic prowess did not cause the crime. Yes, groups of athletes make the news for rape from time to time, but so do groups of gangsters, criminals, drug-addicts, abusive and twisted parents, etc… and in far greater frequency. Singling out male athletes because “it was relevant to a current topic” is no excuse (your words, 19 March, 12:08pm). This article is reminiscent of a rant that aims to slander all athletes. I know that your intentions were absolutely not slanderous, and it is clear that you are a talented and driven writer. However, that does not matter for the point is that since it demonizes athletes. Please stop this assault on male athletes everywhere. Please put your talents to use to identify the real issue that no one seems to get yet: recognition that we as a culture have a problem with objectifying women and generally misunderstanding the nature of sexual intimacy. Enough hate speech.
You’re right that there are lots of issue at play, but the aggregate data on instances of athlete-initiated sexual violence and subsequent coverups reveals more than a handful of one-off instances. Athletics are not evil. Athletes are not evil. That does not preclude us examining a high rate of sexual violence and rape culture in their communities. And I won’t apologize for calling to light the athletic affiliation of the Steubenville boys, as their team – from the coverup by their peers to the coverup of their coaches to the fact that the coaches have not been fired despite the coverup – played a massive role in the situation. It was a “football town” where success is being placed above safety, and yes, that is deserving of criticism.
Your comment fails to take notice that a lot of people’s lived experience, myself included, is that athletes have been some of the worst offenders for many offences, rape, bullying, assault, and it gets swept under the rug because they’re ‘good boys’ from ‘good families; Or that it’s just boys being boys.
I am not sorry that this offends you so deeply, but instead of railing against the writer for making these observations – maybe as an ‘NCAA division 1′ athlete, whatever that means, you should be doing more work to changing the attitudes within your own community so people aren’t viewed this way.
“Athletes’ are not a systematically oppressed minority, actually quite the opposite, they are generally a group of people that society puts above scrutiny.
You fail to recognize that the media consistently in almost every one of these cases made apologies for these men because they were such promising athletes. That because of that we should not judge them as fiercely as we do ‘gangsters, criminals, drug-addicts, abusive and twisted parents, etc’. You made the point yourself that they got off too easy
If you have a problem with athletes getting made to look like thugs by folks who talk about rape culture, the problem isn’t the folks who talk about it. It’s the belligerent, ignorant and aggressive young men who have people apologizing for their bad behaviour that is making this problematic, and that is something that needs to change. From people who recognize that these young men are not acting to what we like to think is good sportsman like behaviour and are within their community from speaking out and saying this isn’t acceptable behaviour, these things shouldn’t happen, and that they, and in this case you have the power to make a difference from within that community.
As a man, I have to say I am saddened and tired about all this talk of rape culture. Because it’s a conversation that shouldn’t have to happen, we should be more evolved then this. As a victim of rape, I recognize that even my own sexual assault has ties to misogyny and gender based violence, as the frame work that makes those acceptable gives some men the idea that they are entitled to the bodies of those they are attracted too, and gay men are not an exception to that rule.
You are awesome! I completely agree with you.Thank you for exposing some instances of socially sanctioned rape in America. Your article is very well-researched.
Reblogged this on thinkugly and commented:
I got to hear about the Stuebenville case and came across this blog post about Rape culture. I couldn’t cover this topic any better myself so I’m simply reblogging it and giving her my blessings for writing it in the first place.
Just… Thank you. Triggers? Hell yes! But, thank you!!!
Reblogged this on This Tangible Certainty and commented:
**Trigger Warning** please do not read if you will be triggered by photos, videos, or descriptions of sexual violence.
You, madame, are amazing.
Reblogged this on bluntandcranky and commented:
Some writers just write a perfect post on a topic. Here’s one such writer. Read this now.
Thank you so much for this!
My first re-blog. Damn, that is some powerful writing.
Reblogged this on Dumb Slut and commented:
I couldn’t have said it better myself!
I appreciate your article. When I was 15 – ( a really long time ago), I was abducted, beaten and raped by a stranger. Nothing ever happened to him, despite the fact that my story never changed, and his was all over the map, changing completely- but I was a ‘troubled teen’ and nobody cared. When I asked why nothing was happening with the case, I was told it was because I didn’t persue it. I WAS 15! As the mother of a now (mostly) grown son of 20, we have discussed sex openly. One, I wanted to make sure that I raised a man that understood the difference despite the media, and music and the pop culture references, but also to raise a man that would risk everything to step in a situation that wasn’t right. Thank you for having the courage to post on this topic.
I’m sorry, I agree with you on most points here. But the wild misuse of the term “rape culture” is absolutely reprehensible.
Want to see a real “rape culture?” Go to the Congo, where women are not only raped and impregnated, but are repeatedly so.
Or how about the war between Bangladesh and Pakistan in 1971, where over 200,000 women were raped (and those were just the ones that got pregnant) only to carry the baby to term and become ostracized for the rest of their lives.
Or in more recent history – the gang rape and murder of a young woman in Delhi.
Those are rape cultures.
And not to offend any uber-feminists here (as I’m sure I will), but honestly, this Steubenville case is NOT ground zero for “rape culture.”
Hello,
I just read and . Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a well researched post and for taking the time to respond to people.
I was wondering if you knew of any place where the system is set up so that everyone understands that if someone is accused of rape the benefit of the doubt will always be given to the victim. So, instead of telling women to not dress a certain way or to not consume alcohol at parties we would tell everyone to be very careful about how they initiate sexual encounters since any misunderstandings would have legal consequences on the accused. The downside of this would be that people will probably have less fun because they would want to be super sure that everything is legit before doing anything (the world would have less spontaneous sexual encounters.) Many couples have their first sexual encounter during a night of drunken sex. This cultural aspect is a subtle extension of the rape culture, since it means that -sometimes- its ok (and even expected) to have sex with drunk people.
Much of this stems from the fact that society is male dominated – men value “purity” in women but also want to have many sexual partners, two propositions that are simultaneously unatainable in large numbers and leads some women to only feel comfrotable being sexual in the wrong environments. Thus, if people did not look down on women who “sleep around” I suspect that we would observe more first sexual encounters occuring in safer atmospheres. This also reminds me of “playing hard to get”, where no means yes. This ever present cultural meme can condition men to think ‘she is playing hard to get’ and that -sometimes- no means yes. So our culture not only treats rapists better than it does the victim, but things seem to be set up to encourage this behavior and it all stems down from old world social systems that view women as objects to be possesed and not beings with their own wants.
Any court system set up so the accused have to prove their innocence, or be found guilty, is simply fucked up. Our court system is set up that our defendants are innocent until proven guilty for a reason. The other way implies the normal, neutral, ‘natural’ state of all citizens is guilty, leaving the burden of proof on the accused, proof that is to prove a negative. This puts all the power in the hands of the prsecution or in other words, the state. Not the accusor. This also implies, every citizen, in this case, is guilty of rape in the eyes of the law, until they prove it wasn’t rape, which could lead to a double conviction of both parties if there is a counter suite. This entire idea is insane.
I don’t think anyone wants a “guilty until proven innocent” legal system. However, when assumptions about sexual violence permeate the investigation process, establishing bias against the victim for reasons that have nothing to do with the crime, that’s a problem. That’s all that’s being said.
Yes the investigation of the crime should always be unbiased as to make sure the evidence is fully capable of displaying the truth in court. That is entirely different than having a bias in favor of the accuser. That in turn means there is less actual evidence needed to go to court, and less proof for a conviction. Which would end up as the end result being a skewed perspective, where in in practice it is the same as the accused having to prove their innocence and so more convictions, but less truth. The ideal should always be unbiased not in favor of either party. The court system is set up to be in favor of the accused because without the prosecution being able to prove the guilt of the accused, how the hell could anyone actually be sure the accused was guilty of the crime? Why should we then assume they are guilty and proceed to have the state punish them, if the state is not certain they are guilty, or innocent? What option would there be where we give the benefit of the doubt to the victim, but still rest the burden of proof on the prosecution and still allow the accused to not prove innocent but be able to do prove absence of guilt, that they are not guilty? How can you allow both the protection from false conviction, and catering to what ever was claimed by the victim? It is only possible to give both the benefit of the doubt if you lean neither way, and decide legal inaction as in the verdict of not guilty(which was never intended to claim complete innocence but really inability to discern guilt) as the default, and unbiased investigation, taking both statements, even if contradictory as true until they are shown as otherwise by the evidence. Neither can be assumed to be correct before the evidence is revealed, and it will either support one claim, both claims, or neither claim. The evidence should prove who you should believe, not their role in the matter, or what their demeanor is, who they are, what any of the other factors are. The evidence. The proof. assumptions can only be harmful.
Reblogged this on thoughtblocks.
So well said. Thank you. A lot of men get defensive when the term “rape culture” is brought up, because I think sometimes they’re genuinely baffled that their sexual practices (like verbally coercing, getting their prospective partner drunk, repeatedly asking or making attempts even after someone has said ‘no’) is considered not so very nice… they have a hard time connecting what they see as innocent and normal behaviour to an awful term like “rape” (which so many people still think is violent and physically forceful) that it makes them angry. It might not be rape, but it’s a product of rape culture. Second, so many men fly into a rage and assume women think all men are rapists, when that’s clearly not the case. We are not talking about respectful and decent men, of which there are many. But please let us talk about those who aren’t, and if you can’t see why it’s important, it’s even more important you hear it.
I’m a student at Michigan State, and lumping in what happened in 2010 here to your argument completely invalidated, at least it in my eyes. I don’t know what happened in Steubenville, but here, two athletes were accused of rape, and the campus exploded in fury. There were calls for expulsion, graffiti drawn all over the school, hecklers shouting “rapist” at the 17 and 18 year olds, even the newspapers in town were calling for dire consequences.
Then the prosecutor of the case (one who has historically been unmerciful to athletes) finally had to admit there was no evidence for the charges. None, zero, zilch. Even the girl’s friends admitted that she essentially made the whole thing up. Which did not stop the activists who had taken her story and made it their crusade, of course.
Using this as supporting evidence for your case that “rape culture” is running rampant indicates very poor research. Or did you simply Google “athlete rapes” and just assume that every resulting link meant that the athlete involved was guilty? False accusations of rape can ruin lives, and throwing the word “rape” around when a girl has sex and then decides later that she regrets it cheapens the word – a very dangerous thing to do for such a disgusting crime. Again, I am NOT saying this is what happened in Steubenville. I’ve never even heard of that incident until now. But trying to castigate the innocent to support your crusade is not the way to go about doing things.
http://www.shakesville.com/2010/10/msu-rape-case-update.html
Failure to prosecute does not mean false allegation.
Thank you for posting this. although some people may claim this is an “over reaction” or “crazy” I hope a larger population recognizes the truth. thank you for being brave enough to post something so controversial. it needs to be said, it needs to be heard. keep writing until everyone is listening. people who know the truth will always be behind you.
Its exhausting how many people constantly attempt to make rape a “gray area.” Its not a gray area. It is wrong. And this ridiculous effort to blame the victim is insane! Even if someone has $100 bills taped to them, it is still wrong to steal. So a girl is dressed provocatively, it suddenly makes rape okay? That is bizarre, troll logic. Women as a whole are pretty awesome. They deserve to be treated with decency and respect. No other behavior should be accepted. RAPE IS WRONG. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills when I read the flippant remarks some people have for such a simple issue of right and wrong.
Nathan, I believe there is a gray area. My comment is posted above and discusses a few personal examples where I believe there was a lot of gray area.
I agree with you, we should never blame the victim. No person has the right to cross another person’s boundaries. That said, sometimes we cross boundaries without knowing it, and sometimes the person whose boundaries are being crossed doesn’t have the capacity to say no. That’s why I personally make a habit of asking, “Is this okay?”, but that practice has only come after a lot of personal experiences that were confusing and traumatic. And that’s how life is–we don’t always get things right the first time.
But to say that rape is “a simple issue of right and wrong,” is to simplify rape to a few types of incidents that are very cut-and-dry. Yes, it’s obviously wrong to force yourself on someone who is saying or screaming no. It’s obviously wrong to force yourself on someone who is unconscious. It’s obviously wrong to force yourself on someone who’s so intoxicated they don’t know what’s going on. But rape doesn’t always happen that way. I think what’s so important about this discussion of rape culture is to look at all the incidents of sexual boundary-crossing that are confusing. We’re not taught to understand our sexuality very well in this culture, and this is a huge part of it. And we’re constantly given very black-and-white language about rape. This is precisely the problem with a rape culture–it objectifies people and robs them of their humanity. And a person’s humanity is a complex mix of personal experiences, desires, social pressures, environmental factors, and thought processes. I think it’s important to shed light on the gray area, the incidents of rape that aren’t so cut-and-dry, not suppress it and pretend it doesn’t exist.
Reblogged this on The Mercenary Researcher and commented:
There’s nothing more to say that this fabulous woman has not already said.
Reblogged this on Melissa Fong and commented:
If this doesn’t horrify you…there is no helping you.
reblogged. thank you for writing this. It’s horrifying. A good slap in the face for anyone.
Great post. As a married white hetrosexual guy (laying out privilege cards) I still see rape culture in the relationships of too many acquaintances. I know husbands or wives who have to be drunk to have sex. While in the context of a grounded long-term relationship I believe you can render limited advanced consent (I’ve done that) – the situation is still troubling and illustrates some of the problems with sexuality in our culure. I also know relationships where the standard dynamic that both parties expect is the man to start forcing himself on the wife and the wife makes the decision whether to continue. While my understanding is that the husband always respects the wife’s decision that seems too much like playing with fire to me. Both of those dynamics to me seem grounded in the idea that a woman who is a sexual agent is an undesirable woman, and that women are objects to be conquered or subverted in order to obtain sex – as much of your post suggests. I just know too many couples where is is considered unromantic for the man to obtain express consent, and that makes my head hurt.
When I explained that mutual consent is always negotiated for me, my manliness was questioned, which I also view as part of rape culture.
Going back into my not so distant memories, and listening to all the talk and texts that are flying around, I have never been able to wrap my head around the notion that men are frequently looking for a partner, but the notion that a woman is willing will result in her being labled a ‘slut’ or ‘whore.’ I never understood why you wouldn’t want to be with someone who is as eager to have sex as you are, and presumably, that person would have a prior interest in sex which didn’t materialze through the magic of church marriage or whatever you are selling. I guess I am going to have to read Valenti’s “Yes means yes.” The idea that you want to be in a long term relationship with someone who doesn’t manifest their own sexual agencey always seemed like a recipe for disaster to me. Though, I do understand for health reasons, why both people might favor monogamy. But those kind of discussions, I suppose, are a long way from the crime that was committed in this case.
I know what I am describing is a lot different than what happened in Steubenville, but for me the culture which makes women a mysterous “other” is partially at fault for men who hate, resent and abuse them for that. I can surmise that the same culture is equally harmful to women who we put in a postion of powerlessness, especially when it comes to actively expressing rather than just manifesting their sexuality.
I… think … you sound SO NORMAL. It’s so pretty.
Basically, you are saying there should be and is no problem with 2 people, (often married) talking to each other.
Not like the 2 opposing options Middle Eastern people seem to have of wrapping ‘their’ females up like a x- mas present, or abusing/ obtaining war captive ‘other’ females. Which does not seem to support optimal mental/ relationship health.
Reblogged this on Tabellaes.
Reblogged this on whiny baby and commented:
I don’t take anything too seriously. It’s a bit of a life motto and it’s helped me navigate a lot of uncomfortable and mildly terrible situations. I usually spend my blogging hours being a sarcastic demon, because I realize I am but a very small fish in a very big pond and don’t presume to know best or to have the right advice or to know the right things to say.
However, occasionally, I’ll stumble upon something and I know it’s serious. And that it’s the best. This is one of those times. This post makes a remarkably complete, inarguably upsetting case about both the blatant and the insidious instances of rape culture in the United States and I am in awe of it.
As a woman who believe she kicks ass but who is still on high alert when walking anywhere alone and/or at night, I am proud that this post exists in the world. Please read.
When I was in law school, I once found myself in a discussion with a group of female students, one of whom hypothesized that at some point, every woman experiences a moment where she realizes “I am vulnerable in a way that most men will never understand, but all women will.” And looking around at these educated, forceful women — women who were not inclined to let anyone push them around — I realized that every single one of us was nodding…we’d all experienced that moment. Some had been raped, some of us had been in situations where we felt threatened, but we all knew exactly what she was talking about.
Wow, what a great post. As a former athlete, student, teenager, young adult, I was at a lot of parties in both high school and college where the recipe for this sort of disaster existed. It may have even happened and I just didn’t know. My guess is that this sort of thing happens to a young lady somewhere in America every single weekend.
As a police officer, I’ve seen rape victims, murder victims, abuse victims…all sorts of victims. While homicide is the obvious choice for worse crime to be a victim of, rape is a very close second, if it isn’t worse even. The victim is victimized by the assault. She’s lucky if she has a supportive boyfriend or husband, but many times, the victim’s boyfriend or husband will become distant or leave the victim as though it was her fault.
There are too many consequences to go into, but suffice to say that rape is sick! As a father of a daughter, I worry for her when she gets to the age where she can get out on her own.
As the father of boys, I worry that I’m doing enough to make sure that they respect women and everyone else as well.
My high school athletic director used to always tell us that the best thing we can do as a dad to raise good sons is to love their mother. There’s something too that I think.
I do dishes, I change diapers, we don’t have “girl jobs” and “man jobs” around the house. Hell, the wife can cut the grass and I’ll do some laundry…it’s happened.
Sorry I’ve gone too long, but your post was great and it struck a nerve.
One last point that I am fascinated with is those who feel that the mistake in this incident was putting it on Facebook.
Really? Being a racist is ok, but don’t put it on Facebook.
Be a bigot or a homophobe or a rapist, it’s all fine, just don’t let us know about it??
Sick.
Thanks again!
Domino’s pizza box, really? That’s a bit silly. The rest of the article is good though.
How about “A Group of People” rather than “A Group of Athletes”. For someone trying to put a spotlight on what is obviously a horrible thing, you are just as ignorant as the people involved. I am or at least was an athlete, and at no point did I ever think raping someone was ok… and there are a lot more athletes just like me.
thank you so much for posting this. As an advocate for rape, domestic violence, child molestation, this brings tears to my eyes to see how far our culture still has to go. Thank you for saying things that so many people are afraid to say.
Reblogged this on Standing in the Doorway and commented:
I didn’t want to put this share this on facebook – not because I don’t want everyone I know and share things with on facebook to know how I feel about this, but because I am facebook friends with a number of people whose parents might complain that they are too young to have to deal with an article like this, and I can respect that.
That said, this is a wonderfully blunt, honest depiction of the world we live in. It seems simple enough, right? When we talk about guns, we rarely talk about how the victims of shootings needed to exhibit behavior that would dissuade the shooter from using a gun. We talk about how to prevent people from using gun violence in inappropriate and harmful ways. Why does this not apply to rape? Instead of addressing the source of the violence, we address the recipient. It is illogical, insensitive, and ignorant.
I’m not sure who you’re talking about guns with, but in my world they absolutely do talk about behaving in a way that would dissuade the crime. I was taught to be aware of my surroundings, avoid bad neighborhoods, don’t wear gang colors in those neighborhoods, travel in a group if possible, and later, even how to use a firearm to defend myself.
If I drive a Porsche into a high-crime neighborhood at night, stop for gas, and get carjacked or shot, the first thing the cops are going to ask is “what were you doing there?”. I’d probably even get a lecture about my stupid behavior. Everyone agrees that I don’t deserve getting shot for driving a nice car in a bad neighborhood. That doesn’t prevent it from happening though. You don’t hear anyone complaining about “crime culture”.
In my mind, it is illogical to ignore prevention tactics. I’m not blaming the victim. I’m saying “Look. There are horrible people in this world. Here is how to avoid them and/or deter them”. Obviously, right after someone has been victimized is definitely not the time to teach them prevention tactics. Nothing the victim did justifies the crime that was committed against them. And no amount of preparation guarantees your safety. You can either acknowledge the real world and attempt to prepare or you can stick your head in the sand and scream about how unfair the world is.
Oh my god ohmygod… I think I love you. Succinct, true, terrifying. No, we will not be quiet.
Reblogged this on Vgt890's Blog.
For once I’d like to see and artical that also talks about MALE victims of rape, it’s not just woment who go through this, rape is wrong no matter which sex is the victim. These articals seemto conveniantly forget that the male sex also has victims, lets have some true equality in our repoting for once.
Rape culture is when many female members of the military are being raped by male members of the same country’s military and members of the military police cover it up or try to force the victim to recant her claim that she was raped by a fellow military member on a military base and in a military barracks.
Rape culture is no one speaking out about rape in the military when it is so common that three female navy enlisted members can be raped by several different male enlisted members in the same barracks on the same base, and inside of the same MONTH.
Rape culture is me not being able to verbalize my experience without someone telling me to “get over it” or “get passed it” because it happened 10 years ago.
I can only imagine (with horror) how bad it has gotten since then. If you are a female looking to join the military for the college money…be advised: it’s a jungle in there, and NO ONE will protect you.
I just wrote a post on this subject earlier in the week. I want to stop the rape culture as well. It’s sick, it’s disgusting, and it’s time for some huuuge change–not just in Steubenville, not just in the USA, but in the whole world.
Reblogged this on Never the same and commented:
Thank you for this.
I cannot, cannot thank you enough for writing this! I recently wrote a blog on the Steubenville rape trial and rape culture as well, but it wasn’t half as good as this one.
Your post has been the first one I have seen (and shared btw). Awesome job on covering so much material and backing up every point. This is a powerfully positive message and deserves to be spread far and wide. /subscribed
Yes yes yes! Amen! I work in the adult industry as an exotic dancer. I take men into semi private rooms for lap dances. They think that they can man handle me anyway they want. Because I’m half naked…because I’m selling a fantasy. FANTASY! I’d love to hear from other exotic dancers how many times a customer has shoved his hand in your thong after you’ve said no and pushed his hand away. But I guess that’s not sexual assault so much as shop lifting right?
Reblogged this on Sacrificial Tomato and commented:
Sad.
It’s not just women 😦 its humans.
The sympathy for the boys is ridiculous. Far too often do I hear both men and women say that it’s the girls fault if she let it get out of hand or that the way she was dressed was just asking for it . I was engaged and when I would say no and and my ex would just put all his weight on me and put my panties to the side and have his way. I know I could never put him in that position so it is beyond ridiculous to say it was her fault. Rape happens in even the most domestic situations not just parties.
How can these people not consider this rape?! Especially when she was unconscious!! She’s not the town slut! I’m sure not every girl in that town is a saint!! Had this happened to one of the players, I’m sure that town would be in an uproar!!
I just developed hypertension thinking about this.
Reblogged this on Living the Dream and commented:
The fight doesn’t end with a hot button issue. Keeping up the fight to end rape culture is what we should do. I don’t intend to be quiet about it.
Reblogged this on Indu Shanmugam and commented:
Sickening! That’s all I can say.
Thank you for posting this Lauren 🙂
When a society creates a commodity, it generates value, either monetary or otherwise. When that commodity is hoarded by ANY group, it WILL be sought after, illicitly, by other groups.
Religious and other groups, almost all of which were MALE-dominated, created the myth of Female Chastity, and the necessity of preservation thereof. Or, to put it more bluntly, keep the Chastity Belts on the women, so the MEN can control the sex supply.
Therein lies the MAIN problem – because as every woman knows, there is NO SHORTAGE of sex! You women have all the sexuality you could EVER possibly need, and as long as YOU are given the rest and care you deserve, it DOESN’T wear out or run out. As always, the problem is greedy, selfish, manipulative OLD MEN who back in the Bad Old Days were determined that They were going to control whose BABIES you women carried to term, because if you were going to insist that Men settle down and farm to feed you, they were going to control who inherited their hard work! Selfish SOBs, one and all. Well, I can’t really blame them, after all, they were busting their ases and dying before age 30 or 35 to keep you and your kids fed and alive; they wanted to make sure those kids of your WERE theirs, too.
And in the process, created a “seller’s market” for women. Which, as always, generates a lucrative business in Robbing the store, also known as RAPE. And from there, you get cosmetics, fashion (including high heels, God have mercy on your feet), and a million and one different societal mores and customs, ALL aimed at putting YOU on display and on SALE. And invariable, there WILL be those guys who will refuse to “buy” what they can Steal.
Plus, many times, it’s not about SEX; it’s about POWER. Power over Women – TOTAL Power.
But yeah, Rape has been around as a ‘culture’ for millenia. The way to get RID of it is to STOP seeing women’s bodies as anyone else’s PROPERTY, and to stop treating SEX as something sacred.
And to STOP treating RAPE as anything than a CAPITAL CRIME – that receives Capital Punishment on conviction. Make the crime as HEINOUS as possible, for the ENTIRE community. Force the community to STOP condoning sexual assault by “pillars and superstars” because they bring acclaim to the town.
I really appreciate this piece. It was quite poignant and candid. I just stated a new blog, and I was planning on writing about the Steubenville Rape and culture in general. Could I use some of the pictures and links that you provided in my piece? I will be sure to give you the proper credit!
Sure – share away.
Wow!!! I am just shocked at all involved. There behavior is attrocious. The girl obviously needs to get help with her drinking. She did not deserve to be raped. It is rape if she was passed out. The kid kept saying she’s dead. So she did have to much to drink and passed out. It is a sad thing. What has our world come to. I was raped as a young girl. I was out with a guy I should not have been out with. He raped me. I was not passed out. I fought until he hurt me. i never told any adult but, I did not deserve it. Shame on those boys and shame on the ones who side with them.
I’m really puzzled as to why so many people think you’re saying that rape is strictly the business of athletes, or is only perpetrated by men against women. it’s obvious to me that you’re using the most recent, widely-known example to explain what rape culture is and why it’s a “thing.” Is the concept of learning by example really that out of vogue, or is there some epidemic of Internet literalism I wasn’t previously aware of?
Thanks for voicing the frustrations probably many others. I’m with ya there.
You kept using Stuebenville. Why not use details from cases over the past 10 years instead of just links to those cases. And two of those ads were fine. The pizza ad? Come on man, they are talking about pizza. Otherwise, the rest of the article was on point. (But we already know about Stuebenville. It is all over the news.)
I use Steubenville because it is a crystallized example of rape culture, and for recency. I do, however, link to other examples of rape culture from over time throughout the entirety of the piece, including a series of situations where athlete rape was excused or covered up. The pizza ad’s syntax is a spin off of the most repeated phrase in all of sexual violence education: no means no. Do I think they were intending to offend? No. It’s still a poor choice.
Stupidity does not make one a bigot. So making an add which is poorly phrased by coincidence does not mean they advocate rape in any sense. This therefore means it is unrelated to the phenomenon we are speaking of; unless at some point we have changed topics to marketing incompetence.
It’s the fact that it wasn’t even considered that makes it part of our culture. It’s important to remember that participation in rape culture is very rarely intentional or conscious. Do I think the majority of people think rape is good? Of course not. Do I think the majority of people don’t reflect enough on how their decisions may contribute to a world that addresses in sexual violence? You bet.
I see. I personally never like to use the “subconscious cultural messages” argument because it is built on such shaky foundation, but I understand. It is certainly a plausible concept that it might be a board room “inside joke” that was in no way inside, but I err on the side of caution before placing any form of judgement. This being levied without judgmental intentions fixes that a bit, but it is still quite possible, an unintentional coincidence, either from absent mindedness or ignorance, and though the possibility is small, we still cannot be certain it was even connected to rape, and it was simply others reading that message into it. And isn’t the fact that you wish they would thing and talk about it more often, implying the concept is acceptable to their minds enough to think of often, and so an acceptable idea. Very different than something being utterly wrong, is it not? but that might be me simply over analyzing. In any case, I simply prefer to be more strict in what I would call representation of any societal pressure, before defaming anyone or any organization. It seems to muddy of an area due to so many different intersecting factors presented by any culture, simply adding a lot of variables into the equation, I’d rather give examples of the more concrete evidence you displayed above. Again I stress this as preference, due to me seeming to be a person who wants to be very exact, as compared to you. I tend to see “statistically insignificant” things as the “insignificant” rounding errors which crashed one of our satellites into Mars. I remember the law of statistics that if a given out come is possible to occur, no matter how unlikely, if the given series s run an infinite number of times, that out come MUST occur at some point; and any time I would make an assumption without certainty it might just be that instance where it is incorrect. Again I’m just picky.
I understand, but I think it’s about the way we frame the conversation. Rape culture conversations are difficult because they quickly become antagonistic. Part of that is because it’s such an emotionally charged subject (rightfully so), and part of it is because no one likes to think that they’ve participated in something that perpetuates the harms associated with rape. The key is that it’s not about attacking the person – it’s about attacking the ideas.
Do I think the marketing folks stood up and said, “Hey- let’s make fun of rape victims today!” No. Not in the least. If I met those people, would I tell them they were terrible human beings for putting out the ad? Of course not. But would I say, “Look- here’s why that messaging is problematic, and why you should consider a different approach”? Definitely.
I think this thread is an example of why those kinds of discussions are important. There are a lot of comments from people who just “didn’t get it” before. Have they supported rape culture at points, without realizing it? Probably. Does that make them bad people? No. In fact, I’d argue they’re stronger people for being willing and able to critically self-reflect on their behavior and choices. That’s how we grow. That’s how things change.
@Lauren: Exactly as I would put it myself! 😀
Here is the problem… Publicizing rape culture will not improve “rape rates” if you will. It will just show more men how ridiculously easy it is to get away with rape. I am a male, and I am disgusted by these pigs that call themselves men who decide to rape women, but I personally know that these “pigs” are in abundance as compared to men like me who view them as pigs. The reality is most men who honestly believe they can get away with it WILL DO IT if presented the opportunity. I’m not sure if this is just culture, or it is just part of our chemical make-up. I’m not saying this is right AT ALL, but it is reality. Publicizing how often people get away with it will not improve on circumstances (I do not believe) as the amount of men that think in their head “I might’ve done that too” or “She probably led him on” is greater than the amount of men who view ALL forms of rape as wrong. These same idiots also think “She could just be lying because he wouldn’t be her boyfriend” or a million other excuses that could be made up.
There was actually an instance at our school between a teacher and a student while i was still attending. During her senior year, this female student came forward and told the authorities that this teacher had been raping her since her freshman year. Now, in everyones mind (guys and girls alike in the school) was the question “WHY IN THE HELL DID SHE WAIT 4 YEARS TO SPEAK UP?” Especially since it had been happening, apparently, about once a month throughout her high-school career. And also, how come she always acted so friendly to the teacher all of those years, even though he often put her through a traumatic experience such as rape?
I completely agree that the media does in no way present rape the way it should be presented, ESPECIALLY if there is a college sports athlete involved. However, there is always two sides of the story. And honestly I agree with everything said in this article, however there is another view point to these things and it is so often not a clear cut “HE RAPED HER!” deal. Girls have an incredible power when it comes to consensual sex. They can so easily claim they were raped, with us having little to no power to prove that the act was consensual. In this sense, woman can easily blackmail a guy into staying with her FOR YEARS! Also, can ask for things like money or gifts with the threat of claiming rape if not provided. This is obviously not as prevalent as rape, but it is one of the things that run through male minds when a woman claims she is raped regardless. I am NOT proud to say it, but these questions even run through my mind sometimes. It just happens. Also, woman who cheat on their boyfriends will VERY quickly claim they were raped so as not to lose their boyfriend. THIS IS SO COMMON, and I have personally almost been through this. Luckily the girl involved in my situation quickly revoked her claim of rape, realizing the severity of her dishonesty.
It is also common for a girl to get “black-out drunk” and have consensual sex with a male, only to wake up the next morning and claim rape just because she does not remember her own actions.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, do not get me wrong on this. I think that this article is true in every aspect, and rape is not punished severely enough and swept under the rug much too often. I think rape (especially such as shown in those videos) is incredibly disgusting and a vile act performed by pigs who think of themselves as men. I just thought that I would add a male perspective as to why it is questioned so often.
I am truly sorry if you are offended. Truly. But it is reality.
you know what moderator, go ahead and don’t let those comments of mine slide. While i completely stand by everything i said, it will probably highly discourage anyone reading them, especially rape victims and i really do not want to be responsible for that. If i knew how to delete them at this point i would but i don’t. I felt the need to provide an alternate view point as yours seems so overly optimistic and one-sided to me, but i now realize that my comments will only hinder your fellow feminists reading this article from taking action, when action is something that i really do believe needs to happen when it comes to rape prevention. I guess i just could not resist from countering your attempt to eradicate rape from our culture, as it will so obviously always be a part of it. A terrible terrible dark nasty corner of it, but it will always be there. Good luck in your endeavors, as i honestly do support them more than you probably believe at this point.
i don’t understand why “men shouldn’t rape, rape is wrong” and “women should be careful, there are always rapists out there” can’t be in the same statement ever. articles like this are very polarizing and unfair. it’s a 50/50 responsibility. feminism helps men out too. i don’t see this as feminism anymore.
Here’s the problem with telling women to be careful.
We’re adults. We already know how to be careful. Since we were young children, our parents have been telling us how to be careful. Since we were old enough to understand sex, we’ve been warned about rapists. In middle school, in high school, in college, we’ve received plenty of instruction during our sex ed classes, during our freshman orientations, during our sorority seminars, etc.
I don’t have a problem teaching preteens and teenage girls ways to make themselves safer, as long as we’re also explaining to them the prevalence of acquaintance rape AND explaining that rape is never their fault, period.
But telling a woman who’s out of school all the steps she needs to do to protect herself from rape? Yeah, she knows them already. If she went to college, there’s a 25% chance she’s already a rape survivor. She doesn’t need to be told (often patronizingly) what she’s known most of her life.
Feminists are demanding we change the conversation. Put the onus on men to stop rape, instead of on women not to get raped. When we get upset about “women should be careful” comments, it’s because the implication is threefold. One, you’re suggesting women aren’t already careful. Two, you’re suggesting that being careful prevents rape. Three, you’re suggesting that if you get raped, it was your fault for not being careful enough.
And just for the record, while it’s a 50/50 responsibility to educate the world on consent and healthy concepts of femininity/masculinity, it’s 100% the responsibility of all people not to rape. It is 0% of any person’s responsibility to avoid being raped.
Telling women they should be careful does not cover the younger boys and girls that are raped. How do you justify saying the responsibility is 50/50 for the younger crowd? Do we go about telling a 10 year old boy he should be careful because his teacher, relative, or coach might be a rapist? What about the 8 year old girl? We tell them to be careful of strangers but not so much with known individuals. My high school gym teachers were awesome because they did teach self defense and went into some detail but that didn’t save the ones who were attacked before high school.
And in reality, telling women that we “should be careful” actually has connotations that the women who have been raped were not careful. This again blames the victim. You can be careful in any situation and still be attacked.
^ THIS.
– 42% of female rape victims are raped before the age of 18. 27% of male victims are raped before the age of 10.
– 93% of minor victims know their attacker.
– Minors are the least likely demographic to report.
– It is estimated that 50% of sexual abuse of a minor is at the hands of another minor.
– It is estimated that 91% of undetected (read: unreported) rapists will rape again.
We HAVE to talk to our kids about sexual violence. It is neither comfortable nor desired, but we do them a disservice in our silence.
Thank you for commenting – your voice is appreciated.
Thanks for this eye opening post.
I’ve come back to this post more than once, and in the last few months circled around so many articles and commentaries on the Stuebenville case I have at times felt entrenched. Thank you for the trigger warning at the top, btw, only one I’ve seen. But, I guess by now I expect, maybe want to be triggered, it’s such a cycle, I really do need to finally SEND one of these comments along, after visiting so many sites, reading what has been (sadly) mostly a range of ignorance to vitriole, and a ridiculous amount of focus on the accused and their fate, even now, after having been found guilty. I’ve been trying to figure a way to make a statement that would somehow reach out to the victim, because I have been so (here I go, I’m breaking down again as I type) worried for her yet proud of her and so amazed by her and her supportive mother. And her strength to belive in this process which has been just disgusting on a social and public level, exactly, from day one, what every one of us who was raped and let the 91% of those undetected rapist go and rape again, avoided and perhaps feared or just didn’t know how to do… and I’ve wanted, now, at 51 and a mother of three kids in their 20s, two of them beautiful girls of my own, to thank her for doing what I never did. And to say I am sorry, to her and everyone who has been a victim after me.
I thought I should maybe make one of those youtube videos where you do the little note cards, to tell my story. But, so trendy. Whatever, I’m a writer, believe it or not, and I’ve started to write my story any number of times, but I keep getting to this point right here, where I have to tell the insider view, the horrible tale of how it happened, and how I…. breathe… okay I was 18 and I let a stranger I met just that day convince me to go to his apartment… I have felt so stupid, and he told me I was –while holding me at knifepoint, it was like a movie, so demeaning and I couldn’t even tell you where I was. I drove him there and didn’t even really know my way around. But. Anyway. I thought it was a little impromptu date and I felt sorry for him so there you go. The rest is rape history. I believe he cut other people because he showed me drawings of it that he made, to scare me into submission. And can you believe, he told me when he walked me to my car, that I should be more careful not to talk to strangers, that my parents would be disappointed in me so he knew I wouldn’t tell, that I was such a stupid girl, and that I should wear a bra (I was in a leotard)? Can you believe, I somehow… had bought him lunch and he laughed and said oh yeah, thanks. Ok. enough about me. But I had to finally had to say that I don’t think it was smart that I went up to see his sketches but I’ve been on first dates with new guys I’ve just met otherwise/elsewhere and they didn’t rape me at knifepoint. But because I hated myself so much for being so stupid and because I was so embarrassed, I let him not answer to his violation of me, and seeing that 91% statistic up there … well. the Steubenville case, after the Penn State case, just about did me in. I’ve regretted letting my rapist get away with what he did but I managed to just kind of push it away into my shadow. Life gets better and you can heal yourself in many ways, but you can never get the chance to do the right thing back. The Stuebenville teen victim of this awful crime, and the way her “friends” treated her during and after, is my hero and I just want to hug her and her mom, if you know what I mean. Thank them. Real women they are, doing this country and this culture a huge service.
You were not stupid. You were human. And you were a victim. But the more important part in all of this? You’re now a SURVIVOR – with courage in spades – sharing your story. It takes a brave person to be vulnerable, and to let other people see that, and there really aren’t words that can adequately express my gratitude or admiration.
I’m new to this blog, but this was a very enlightening article, I’ll be sure to read more. Lauren, you’re a good writer. Faith, I hope writing helps you to deal with your past. It’s been a good outlet for me too. I guess I thought getting sudden flashes from the past and wincing at them was a movie thing, but it’s not. It feels like traumatic encounters hunt you down wherever you go, and I feel so terrible for the Steubenville victim as well as for every rape victim, male and female. Just recently a popular soap opera in my country included a male rape in one episode so as to draw attention to this silenced subject. I thought it rather unusual, a soap opera approaching the subject. It was no fluffy treatment either.
-K. Trian
Lauren,
Was this statement “read: unreported” fair? Many rapes are never solved, even if they involve murder. Which is always reported. Nationally, around 50% of reported rapes are solved.
Ghost.
That’s fair. Undetected, in context, could be interpreted as not caught. But I’m not sure where you get the 50% of rapes being “solved” statistic – I haven’t seen anything anywhere close to that statistic ever.
FBI?
Link please – I think you’re using the data incorrectly.
HEY! Even a geek like me needs a little time to re-find links ….
🙂
No worries. I’m patient, or at least try to be 🙂
I’m a guy, and by the feminist definition, I was raped to lose my v-card. (Full story here: http://storiesdadnevertoldyou.wordpress.com/2013/03/19/a-letter-from-the-girl-who-took-my-virginity/).
To be quite honest though, I was so blacked out on that night, if I hadn’t been with a more experienced girl, who knows? She could have told me I raped her and I wouldn’t have known who initiated what.
It was FBI, and I rounded from 41% to 50% …. sorry about the rounding. It used to be 50% in 1995.
source: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102×2518976
Ah, gotcha. Based on the reading of the post you shared, that’s based on cases reported. It does not reflect prosecutions or successful convictions.
I don’t know about all of your comment, but the polarization of ‘women should be careful’ would have all women wearing 5 coats in summer, dressed like a nun, and far from anything poetic like, ‘You’re beautiful like my filly among Pharoah’s chariots, she will run screaming like a zebra being chased by a saber-tooth mammoth lion, should mini- Mr. Bigglesworth step out to say “hello” or meow or somehting like that.
Which totally offends both, and is really sad.
In short because taken to the extreme necessary to ‘try to prevent rape’, society would collapse, people would live in constant fear, and no babies would be born ever.
Those outcomes would really be terrible.
You can’t consent if you’re blackout drunk. Period. That is rape. Period.
You know, I can honestly say I am tired of hearing about Rape Culture, but not because it is uncomfortable but because one would hope that after thousands of years of cultural advancement we would be beyond rape by now.
Reblogged this on Everywhere But Home and commented:
This this this. Thank you, Rant against the Random, for putting all of this together.
I appreciate this post, but I think you should remove the photo of the young Steubenville victim. Posting it again is unnecessary to make your point — and it revictimizes her. She deserves better. Now that the trial is over, she deserves some peace from people who are in her corner. Thx.
Thanks for posting your article. As a male who is anti-rape against ANYONE this is something that has to be discussed and shouted about until our voices are hoarse.
As a male who was “raped” as a child i hurt inside for anyone else this happens to.
i am aware that women (all? many?) live in fear of rape all the time because i’m not afraid to talk to women about it. One of the posters said all men are rapists. Well, not this one. We all deserve love and respect. NO human deserves to be harmed, reardless of age or gender. How we’re going to get people (men and women) sensitized out of their desensitization towards the pain of others i don’t know. But it isn’t by keeping silent and so those of us who can speak, should. Thanks again.
“Let us teach our youth not to place themselves in situations where they can be taken advantage of in such vile ways. Let us teach our youth not to take advantage or prey upon those unable to care for themselves. And let us teach our youth to defend those unable to defend themselves. In this way these three youth’s pain shall not be in vain.”
Thank You. Well Said, Well written. Now what? Feeling quite hopeless right now. Was myself a victim 7-26-85. Now I’m a Mom of 4, 3 of whom are healthy young women. The 4th a young man whom I pray will be the person who helps, the person who respects & would never scar another in that way. My sweet Beth was rebellious at 13. She went out her window to attend a party unbeknownst to me. That night (4 years ago) 2 local 20 year olds asked her if she wanted a ride. They gave her one that she’ll fight to overcome for a lifetime. They were both arrested & subsequently convicted of a class x felony (criminal aggravated sexual assault to a minor) Throughout the ordeal we were subjected by glaring family members, court (so called) advocates who questioned our parenting,lectured Beth on her choices & how she was ultimately the cause of her own anguish (by then she was a wisened 14 year old!) The insults never stopped coming during the entire ordeal. We were actually frightened as we left court after the convictions. I was recently approached at a Funeral seemingly innocently when suddenly this WOMAN! said to me “Hey! I know what your family did to Jared Hatcher, You ruined his life!”….I wish I had punched her. Instead I walked away speechless, went in the bathroom and cried. Maybe the only brightness throughout was (surprisingly) the Chicago Police Department. They were professional,caring and thorough. I am grateful for their gentle handling of my daughter & our entire family. What can be done? Teach our Children? Remind each other of our shared humanity and hopefully morals? I wish you’d share the answer.
I am a victim of childhood rape and sexual abuse, which lasted for a period of approximately 3 years, in the early – mid 1990’s, perpetrated by a family member. Rape culture catches everyone, children and adults, men and women, ALL victims of sexual assault and incest (which as you pointed out, for one reason or another has not always “qualified” as rape).
My sister and I told our mother about what was happening to us, and she dismissed it as children’s stories, and dismissed it again, and again, and again, until she finally accepted the reality of what had happened when we were children. At that point, we were both in our twenties. To this day, she maintains that she doesn’t remember us telling her anything at the time. And maybe she doesn’t. She was sexually abused as a child herself, after all. I suppose she could have just repressed what we told her, being unable to actually deal with it.
You have to know your culture has a problem when even the people who love you and are supposed to protect you refuse to believe you when you tell them you are being raped. I don’t have a website or a blog, but I shared this post to my facebook page so that others might see it. I think it’s important, and thank you for posting it, even though it and the comments following made me cry.
In India, we had a horrific gang rape in December and the entire country rioted. I am really shocked at the Steubenville coverage. We always look up to America- who would have thought they would be as regressive as this???
Reblogged this on Sleepless Scheherazade and commented:
An important piece to read for those of you who were upset by this week’s ruling in the Steubenville case — and even more important for those of you who weren’t upset.
You totally and completely rock. I have been really depressed lately that rape is just the punch line to so many frat boy jokes. Women like you give me hope that maybe someday we’ll be able to make things finally change.
The parents of these boys should be so proud…this makes me sick. As a culture we need to address rape culture and stop pretending it doesn’t exist. Our girls deserve better and are worth more than we as a society have allowed them to become-victims.
Great post. very well written and informative. I still have a problem with the parenting that these children have received in order to feel that such behavior is ok. That degrading another person male or female is acceptable and without consequence. That it is ok to not know where your 16 year old is or what she is doing? Terrible things happen all the time, why higher the odds by letting your kids grow up instead of raising them.
I was denied an investigation because the man who raped me was my best friend.
I think this is an excellent article, but if someone hasn’t said to you already, rape isn’t exlusive to gender. Men, boy and the intersexed.transgendered also are bullied by the rape culture.
Reblogged this on City Gopher and commented:
Normally I never ‘reblog’ anything. Ever. Period. But this blog so accurately summarized an issue with valid points, effective evidence, and compelling well-thought out writing…it would be a outright crime not to reblog it. Because I cannot say this any better: Rape culture is when after reading this young woman’s post…you are not sure if you want to live on this planet anymore. Please read, and leave any comments you deem necessary in the comments.
Great post here. Let’s fight the rape culture with everything we have and have faith that ultimately, justice will be served.
What needs to be done is what was done at my high school. Our coaches got together, they had meetings and they agreed that what they needed to do first and foremost was teach us how to be good. This meant that each of the young men on the football, baseball basketball and other teams, and all the young women on the basketball, volleyball and softball teams were taught to live with respect. Respect for ourselves and others, to be good to each other and have a sense of honor and duty to each other. Bullying was reduced by doing this, the athletes learned to think what it would be like to be bullied. Teen pregnancy dropped over the next few years too, because we were taught to think first. In this incident you use for the rant that reduced the ability to think is alcohol. I want to see an investigation to find the person who supplied the alcohol and charges brought against them, for aiding in the delinquency of a minor and conspiracy to commit rape after the fact. And yes, every time someone brings up rape culture I am offended, because that paints me as a rapist and that is not who I am. I played football in High school, I’m over 6 foot tall and have broad shoulders, I look the part of the over bearing male of most stories. What most find surprising is that I would help the older folks in my community during the summer when I was out of school, one person called the cops thinking I was stealing stuff from their neighbor when I was helping them clean out their house.
I have been listed with a stigma for years and I sick and tired of it. The fact that your girls in the 90’s did not consider oral sex to be sex because a president said it was not so. As far as advertising goes, sexual promiscuous adds have been around for ages, the question is how do limit or curtail the number one way to sell an item.
I’m sorry it was necessary for you to write this, but I’m so thankful that you did. I really appreciate your thoughtful responses to the comments. It’s great that you are facilitating a conversation.
Wow. What an incredibly articulate article. Thank you for writing it.
I agree with everything you wrote, and have one (major) addition: Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and it is documented across social media channels, and the media AND THE JUDGE HIMSELF informs us that the takeaway is to be more careful about what we post to social media. *mind blown*
Ah! I LOVE this article. As a rape victim myself, it’s safe to say that Rape Culture is alive and well…. what’s worse, the mainstream media takes a stance to protect the boys! What the hell! They pissed on the girl and raped her in multiple different ways. Also, they won’t recognize how epic Anonymous has been in this case. Oh, we’re so sorry, they showed the boys as they really are? Pathetic, media. I’m surprised the other boys involved didn’t get anything at all….
Thanks for writing this.
This is a great piece, thank you for writing it, hard as the images were to see (I couldn’t watch the video.) Can I ask, as a totally genuine question, not being a smart arse, how does female-on-male rape happen? I had assumed when people discussed male rape, they meant male-on-male rape. Are these situations involving doping during a date, of some kind? I sincerely apologise for offending anyone with my ignorance, I really didn’t know this was a thing.
The male sexual response isn’t a part of conscious control. (Nor is the female, fwiw.). I feel that should answer the ?
There was a stint of rapes in russia where a woman tied a rope around the penis, but that is less common.
The only thing that I’m tired of is some people taking an extremist position and deciding that men in general are just evil/purely sexual by nature. I don’t think that very many take this stance, but I know some do, and it’s annoying.
However, I absolutely agree that rape culture exists, and it’s horrible. The fact that anyone would prioritize the integrity of a sports team over the investigation of a human being having been violated and taken advantage of infuriates me. Any kind of non-self defense related violence toward a human being is a tragedy, and rape is no exception.
I’m against anyone, anywhere, of any race or gender, being hurt or taken advantage of unjustly. I share your frustration with rape culture, and the fact that so many people refuse to acknowledge it. I’m tired of hearing about it, yes, but not because it shouldn’t be talked about, we should absolutely keep talking about it until the public attitude changes.
I’m tired of men thinking that they can “take what they want” even when what they want is to take advantage of an innocent human being. I do feel sorry for the boys who took advantage of that girl in recent news, because they were raised to believe that they could take what they want, and it’s rather sad they were raised that way. I’m not sorry they were found delinquent, in fact I’m very glad; they deserve it and I hope they come to realize what a horrible thing they’ve done. I feel very bad for the girl, that should go without saying, but I’m saying anyway, because it’s terrible. Underage drinking aside (separate issue) she should be allowed to go to a party and dress how she likes without fear of being raped. She should never have had to go through what she did that night, and it’s a tragedy that she did. But I do also feel a bit sad for the boys; they are teenagers with underdeveloped prefrontal cortexes, and therefore, they are bad decision makers. They were raised in rape culture. It’s not hard to believe they did what they did, sadly. They must, of course, be held responsible for their actions, and what they did was unquestionably reprehensible, but I just thought I’d point out that there is perhaps a small bit of compassion to be had for them. And not just them, but anyone raised to believe the basic tenets of rape culture.
Anyway, I’m tired of hearing about rape culture it because I wish it would die already. Rape culture needs to be brought to everyone’s attention, stuffed through the thick skulls of those who don’t believe it exists, and swiftly eradicated.
But…easier said than done, right?
The pizza box thing is a little bit of a stretch… especially since they thoroughly detail what they mean by “No is the new yes” underneath the slogan and it’s made quite clear that it is not rape-related. Also, those Artisan pizzas are fucking delicious.
That aside, I find the beating of the long-dead, now mummified horse that was the Tosh incident reduces the impact of this article quite a bit. Likening Tosh, or anyone, making rape jokes to actual rape or assuming Tosh is pro-rape because he makes jokes about it is just dumbfoundingly ignorant to me.
If you’re the type of person who is personally offended by anything an anonymous comedian says about a topic for which you may fall under the umbrella of, you don’t need to be at a comedy club. Comedy is an escape. It’s a way for us to reconcile with how shitty the world is. It is the exact opposite of rape. As such, EVERYTHING is on the table. If we can’t joke about rape, we can’t joke about anything, because someone, somewhere will be offended by anything anyone could possibly say. We joke about the Holocaust, cancer, catholic priests and boy scouts. How are these things okay but rape isn’t? Do you think Tig Notaro thought breast cancer was funny or a light-hearted topic when she went on stage literally moments after she found out she had breast cancer and used it in her set? Of course not.
Comedy is often about things we don’t want to deal with, and it is the only way some people can deal with this things. Now, other people certainly do it more gracefully than Tosh, but lambasting him for his material is a worse crime than that.
I think you’re missing the point a bit. The fact that anyone thinks that rape is funny is a part of rape culture. Let me say that again – when the simple idea of five guys gang raping a woman is considered funny, there’s a rape culture problem. There wasn’t nothing else to his ‘joke’ – it was just simply “Wouldn’t it be funny if like, five guys raped that woman right now” That’s it, end of joke. Envisioning five guys forcibly penetrating a woman in the middle of a comedy club is supposed to be funny. If that’s funny, we have a very sick culture.
There are definitely ways to approach tragedy and horrible things with humor in a way that helps people heal and make sense of the world, or even just helps people deal with it a little better for a few minutes, but I can say with complete confidence that what Tosh did absolutely does not fit into the realm of cathartic, dark humor. In fact, it wasn’t even part of his set – an audience member started to heckle him and he said that to put her back in her place. His rape ‘joke’ was about exerting power over his audience by degrading and borderline threatening a member, it was not about helping people deal with serious issues. Pro-rape or not, he used the topic to attempt to control a female audience member in to behaving the way he wanted her to, and also to shame her – that’s a rape culture symptom.
And the opposite of rape isn’t comedy – it’s consent.
I think you’ll find this review of the research, from 2012, enlightening. It’s about the research into why people rape and how they can be discouraged. Below are a few of the points it makes.
Click to access RapePerpetration.pdf
In many places, 25 – 35% men will admit to attempted rape or rape as long as you don’t actually use that word. Interestingly, compared to heterosexual men, those in homosexual dating situations were more than four times as likely to have experienced sexual violence (34%:8%) and more than nine times as likely to be raped (21.3%:2.3%).
“…there is strong evidence that five groups of potentially amenable risk factors are important in rape perpetration: adverse childhood exposures; attachment and personality disorders; social learning and delinquency; gender inequitable masculinities; and substance abuse and firearms.” (There was no particular conclusion about firearms.)
“It is important to note that not all people exposed to these factors will engage in the act being studied, and not everyone doing the latter will have the risk factor.”
“Given that some risk factors for raping start from birth, it is essential that programmes to prevent rape perpetration include interventions directed at the first five years of life. …to strengthen care giver child attachment, reduce use of physical punishment, and enhance parenting. Parenting interventions must address gender issues, given the importance of witnessing intimate partner violence and the social learning component of gender-based violence.” It seems that untreated postnatal depression in mothers can interfere with their child’s ability to care for people and not rape them!
“Delinquency is also an important risk factor in settings where rape perpetration is common in dating relationships or against non-partners. In these circumstances many men who will ever rape do so for the first time as teenagers…. “For alcohol and drugs the chief activities of risk are binge drinking and social drug use, rather than addiction. …interventions… will address the use of alcohol and drugs in a gendered, frequently peer, context in which sexual coercion may be encouraged and supported.”
Having psychopathic tendencies is also a big factor, but it’s uncertain whether lack of empathy is a factor. Factors that are connected are” Machiavellian egocentricity and blame externalisation, which were significantly higher among men who had raped….”
The authors call for some rather sweeping changes and make a good point that the treatment of victims is vital in sending a message that rape is wrong:
“High quality services for victims of rape, although not the focus of this review, are very important in rape prevention because they send a message to society that rape is serious and will not be tolerated.” Tearing down protections by attempting to redefine rape, as some politicians have done, is a way of sending the opposite message.
The Dolce Gabbana, Duncan Quinn, Calvin Klein ads are absolutely repulsive. Showing rape scenarios sells products – sickening. As log as ads like these are apparently allowed, as long as the are ‘okay’, we still have a long way to go. I live in a country where rape is quite common. I also blog in a national newspaper and attach a link to a blog related to this issue:
Rape culture is when every single one of your close female friends has either been raped or has had someone try to rape her and not one ever went to the police.
Thank you for this wonderful article. I’m so glad that I found it through two friends on FB. One thing I noticed from your collage of social media comments was the one posting about “Dr. Phil putting that Steubenville in her place.” I thought this very odd considering who Dr. Phil is. I couldn’t imagine him putting down the victim. Well, I found this video on Youtube, and it’s actually another woman from Steubenville who’s gabbering nonsense about standing up for her town, etc. Dr. Phil puts THIS woman in her place by saying that obviously there was enough evidence to bring charges on the two men, and if she was raped, you’re doing a disservice to her by calling her a liar. Just wanted to share this with you. Again, thanks for your article.
Oh also, the name of this youtube video is of course also inappropriate and I would say still contributes to rape culture.
Wow, you are a brilliant woman and exactly the kind of social resource I have been seeking for many years. You argue with the passion, candidness and wisdom that I only hope I could embody in my own writing. Your research is extensive, and you illuminate the experiences of others as if they are your own. I am trying to open a WordPress account myself so that I may attempt to rival your prowess but am currently experiencing difficulty installing the necessary software required to operate the website. However, reading you work has pushed me to try even harder to make it happen! I was wondering, do you have any pieces on race theory or queer theory? I am especially interested in the nuances of complex identity, intersectionality, and multiplicity. If not, I have still enjoyed your writing and look forward to what comes next…
By the way, whenever I meet another Lauren, I always say it’s a great name and I haven’t met one I didn’t like. And no fictional characters with negative traits ever seem to be named Lauren, have you noticed? Our name FTW! You betta recanize… 😉
Lauren,
I meant to come back and respond to you, and then the comment must have gotten lost in the shuffle. Thanks for the kind words! I have some utterly brilliant friends on the topics in question, so I’ll get back to you with some resources. Cheers!
and then there is the rape of children… all in all the stats are: 1 in 4 men/boys will be raped in life, 1 in 3 women. This means a third of all women ever and a quarter of all men ever are raped, grow up with PTSD and the other attendant mental symptoms of rape and in so many cases, are disabled by the rape in “normal” social functions like work, relationships, and just getting out of bed in the morning. Think of the screwed up bits of human history, then remember the stats and the privilege rapists enjoy in the culture as this post exposes. It kinda makes some of the large Human History’s failings make sense. Imagine if we were free from this illness.
People fighting the good fight in Australia: https://www.facebook.com/DestroyTheJoint
and here’s an image I found hard to believe was real, but apparently is. Rape culture IS the appropriate and accurate term. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=498469273534155&set=a.419017344812682.83661.418382174876199&type=1&theater
I cried when I saw the comments people are leaving about this girl. I am discussed with our society. How on earth a girl can repeatedly called an assault victim a slut, I just don’t understand. I have a 15 year old son and an 11 year old daughter. I have spoken with them both about this, trying to get my son to understand that rape is not her saying no, but her not being able to say yes was difficult, teenagers never wanna listen. I hope I got through to him. I felt saddened to have to tell my daughter was to protect herself and things not to do because in our society we seem to think that women hold all the blame and that men have no control over what they do sexually. The same people who are saying that the girl was asking for it are the same people who hate Muslims but are acting the same way. If a woman shows her hair she is asking to be raped/ if a women wears a short skirt she is asking for it. Like men have no control over what they do. How do people think like this?!?!? All these sexist thoughts that men are smarter than women, and are more rational, are better leaders and are stronger. But god forbid if he sees a girl who is showing off her boobs and has been drinking too much… well then then they lose all control of themselves and have to rape the girl, they have no choice, she shoulda known better, PLEASE. I am so tired of this BS. We need more people willing to talk about what happens. Rape is not just a stranger attacking a women in an ally while she yells and screams NO. Rape happens in so many ways to all people, men and women, boys and girls. It is not always a fight, If no one says yes do this to me, then it is assault. I hope my son heard me, and I hope we can change the nest generations ideas and truly teach them what rape is, and get away from our rape culture.
Reblogged this on Astrojeeta's Blog and commented:
I am not one of those deny that sexism exists. Yet, this post made me realize how worse the World is for women even in privileged communities than we often tend to think.
THANK YOU for speaking up about this.
Reblogged this on Adventures in Wonderland and commented:
There is someone who’s actually standing up for women! What a novel concept.
This whole rape culture is about hatred of woman, they all have Mothers, do they never stop to think about if someone raped them?? And what is it with woman that support men that do this? Do they think they are clever? Woman that support rapists is it a power thing for them?? Its incredible, because you show me a woman and I will show you someone that has been raped, yes, raped, we all have events in our lives that were not right, that you thought he cared and he lied, that you stood up and felt used, went home, had a shower and decided to forget it.
The Dolce Gabbana, Duncan Quinn, Belvedere and similar ads are absolutely repulsive. Showing rape scenarios sells products? Sickening. As long as ads like these are apparently allowed, as long as they are ‘okay’, we still have a long way to go. I stay in an African country where rape is extremely common. I also blog in a national newspaper and attach a link to a recent blog related to this issue:
Wow….I’m at a loss for words. I’m sick to my stomach right now.I posted this on twitter and facebook and I’m sending the link of this to the Joyful Heart Foundation and NOMORE.org. This is very powerful and thank you for writing about this topic.More light needs to be shed on rape and rape culture. Out rage should be the only response to these acts.
I have come late to this story of the Struebenville Rape. The first time I caught it was CNN decreeing that two men’ lives had been ruined. After watching parts of the video above, I do not have a strong enough stomach to watch the whole thing, I think these two criminals did not get hard enough sentences. They should be removed from society permanently, but who am I to argue this after all I am only a woman.
Reblogged this on forbiddenbyculture and commented:
I have, thus far kept pretty quiet on this – although I am sure you will all know my views. But this blog really deserves reposting.
I just wanted to say thank you for writing about this. As a young woman, I often find it amazing how many of my friends and acquaintances (both male and female) can be so obtuse to the general problems propagated by rape culture in current society. Some of my friends and I were talking recently about going dancing, which we do fairly regularly (before anyone comments that dancing at clubs is designed to attract unwanted attention or any such rebuttal please note that we do ballroom/swing/tango), and the men in the group were astonished to hear that every single female there had stories of being harassed going to/leaving the dances because they were wearing skirts and a little bit of makeup. Even more astonishing to them was the fact that this harassment had actually forced several of us to give up dance for periods of time because we no longer felt safe traveling to or from the events on our own. Thankfully none of us were ever attacked, but nobody ever stopped the harassment, and it has always bothered me that so many believe that because someone felt like dressing up a little, they are asking for sexual attentions.
Your article is a wonderfully done piece that highlights many of the flaws in society where people are often viewed as objects rather than people. Thank you for calling attention to flaws in how our system treats and portrays victims/offenders, and for providing a forum in which the topic can be further discussed.
Thanks so much for writing this! I can’t even add anything, it’s exactly what I think about it!
Rape is about power – one person (regardless if it is male or female) exercising their power over another person. Rape DOES happen to males – it is not as “accepted” as raping a female.
Abortion is the choice of the female (a good girlfriend/wife would share this information with her other half, but ultimately it’s her decision).
With all the “evil” going on in the world today, it is sad that people believe they have the right to take away from their victims – at any level – first the rape, then the court appearances, then the threats … When it is going to end?
And you can truly never hear enough of this topic of discussion because it continues. As long as it continues, we need to continue talking about it because it isn’t clear enough to put a stop to it yet.
Awesome. Just extremely well done. I’m gonna reblog this.. because rape culture needs to die.
To add.. reblogged at The Philosophy of Nom .
Reblogged this on A Day in the Life.
Lets not forget the churches blaming of women that created the patriarchal societies we live in. I mean we all know that Eve sinned first and brought Adam down, Bathsheba bathed on the rooftop just to tempt David. It doesn’t matter that Jesus treated women with respect, Churches have not.
While it is better today than in the past, from the Taliban to the Pentecostal women are treated as second class.
Rape culture is finally getting up the courage to tell your mum that you performed your first sexual acts on two men to prevent then from anally raping you, and she says “That’s just what men are like, you should have been more sensible. Had you been drinking? What were you wearing? You shouldn’t have been so naive.”
I have two brothers, I have nine male cousins, I have a father and uncles and male friends and ex boyfriends. None of them look at a drunk woman and see an opportunity. They don’t look at a girl in a short dress and see an excuse. So responding to my confession that way made me sick to my stomach.
I’m not frightened of men or mini skirts or too much beer. I’m scared of mothers who teach their children that the the blame is on the woman for stirring up some innate rape impulse in a man. It’s disgusting.
This is a great article, more people should read it.
Oh wow, did we have the same Mom?
I was raped by 2 cops at age 13, because they wanted to “teach me a lesson for being out after curfew”
I then became as they call it “promiscuous” and when I was rapped a second time, by the gang of boys I grew up with and managed the courage to tell my mother, she blamed me, saying “All I ever do is shame this families name”
My mother, an alcoholic, was always more afraid of what the neighbors thought then keeping any of her 4 children safe from the streets she was allowing to raise them.
What I think many are missing in this entire discussion (and thanks for the brilliant post) is that rape is about power, and it all has to do with how women are perceived in society, as the “property” of men. Even assaults against males are an extension of this mindset (male stand-ins for women in prison are called “bitches” and that’s not an accident). For one male to rape another is to assert dominance, and when females assault either other females or male, it is also a matter of “dominance”, of perceived “power”. As a young rape victim on 2 difference occasions, I think it’s no wonder that what some consider “playful” sex, like S&M, is not on my radar, because its practice assumes that one of the partners is “dominant”, with power over the other.
Sex must be a freely given act between 2 consenting adults–not an act of power or dominance, ever. It is the foundation of love and caring for another human being, IMHO, no matter with whom you express it.
Thank you for this!
So, we can not “own” a word, but, as a group, we can own it, make it ours. First, it helps to clearly define the word in question; http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/rape Next, remember that “rape culture” (or sexual assault culture or women objectifying culture) is still all about victim blaming. Do we need to define that one too?
Thanks for you post… It’s horrible, but yes, we’re living in a sexism society
I didn’t have time to read through the comments, so someone may have commented already. But, please realize that in the political realm, it’s also equal opportunity. You seem to only give examples of conservatives making rape jokes about liberal women. However, conservative women seem to have earned a special place in the rape culture.
http://www.frugal-cafe.com/public_html/frugal-blog/frugal-cafe-blogzone/2009/06/02/no-hate-here-at-playboy-guys-just-some-good-ol-fun-lovin-power-rape-of-conservative-women/
While the MSM does get up in arms when these jokes are made about liberal women, it’s crickets chirping when the jokes are made about conservatives. Sarah Palin and her daughter were the butt of many obscene rape jokes when Palin was running for VP. Yes, you heard a little about it, but not much pushback from the media. While liberal politicians’ children are completely off limits, that doesn’t seem to be the case for conservatives’ children.
Thank you for sharing. You’re correct – it’s never appropriate to make those comments, and the article referenced was reprehensible.
BTW – My mind gets singularly focused when I’m reading blogs and replying, etc. I did mean to tell you that I thought your article was awesome!
Thank you for doing this.
It’s really sad that we live in a world where this is ok. And unfortunatly it is way to common to hear about this crap. So what’s the solution? Educating our children, teaching them what’s wrong and right about their actions and how their actions effect others and themselves. TALK TO OUR KIDS ABOUT SEX. It’s not a dirty topic to have with your children. It’s part of life and eventually these topics are going to come up with your children, with or without you! So when do you start teaching? How about now! Each age will have different ways to approach and teach your child. Teach your young ones that it’s NOT OK for people to touch their privates, and it’s not okay to touch other’s privates. As they get older talk to them about how it’s normal to have feelings for another person. Teach them that learning to control their feelings and their natural impulses is important. But most important just TALK and LISTEN to your children. Don’t put it off until tomorrow. Because for some tomorrow is too late.
Andrea Gibson. Amazing Slam Poet:
“She’s not asking what you’re gonna tell your daughter, she’s asking what you’re gonna teach your son.”
Rape culture is global, rape culture is ancient. For the first time in history the public is recognizing that this is a reality, for the first time in history there is concerted effort to change this reality. Thank you for sharing.
Reblogged this on Thorrdóttir's thoughts on her spritiual Bloodline.
Reblogged this on therealrach and commented:
We need more people like Lauren Nelson in this world. This is a post that everybody needs to read.
I don’t understand why the concept of rape culture is so often construed as some attack on men. Rape culture effects everyone, it dehumanizes everyone, it spreads ignorance and barbarism throughout society. It effects me, a white male eating breakfast in his apartment, because it effects the world around me. It will effect me today, it will shape what I see and what I hear. It effected me from a young age, growing up and enjoying and laughing at and retelling the slightly offensive, and the borderline male chauvinist jokes my dad always told me. Rape culture is not a separate entity from culture at large it is a part of it: It is on you ipod it is in you phone, your computer, on the TV, on billboards and in shop windows, it is walking by you in the street, it is you and me, we are a part of it as much as we are a part of society itself.
Thank you for this post.
Reblogged this on One Pretentious Bastard and commented:
I have worked with sex offenders for most of my adult career. Lauren Nelson succintly describes rape culture. This should be mandatory reading.
I was thinking about this last night and had a really startling realization about my own years in high school – if a teen boy was privileged it was so rare for him not to be a sexual creep we thought he was a total *gentleman* if he didn’t sexually harass us or take advantage of us when drunk. Gentleman=not a predator. High standards huh? But being a “gentleman” left boys vulnerable too – people questioned their sexual orientation because the *right to be a creep* was so ingrained in the social order. Nothing has changed and nothing has changed because teens are offering up a brutally honest reflection of the over culture they grow up in.
This is garbage. You want to argue privileged, fine, I want to argue hypocrisy. You sit behind a keyboard and lob insults at boys you’ve never met, while if I did the same thing, you would be up in arms about sexism and how females need to be equal. I am for women equality, but total equality. If you can rail on me, I can rail on you.
Back to the topic when are we going to admit that since all of these so called “witnesses” say they don’t know what they’re talking about, it’s more probable that nothing happened at all? It’s easier for me to believe that the UNDERAGE DRUNK girl lied, than that three or four guys convinced an entire party of people to lie for them. Or maybe they used their “male privilege” to intimidate them.
The only thing you have on them, is that they used a tacky joke while she passed out. Using “rape” as a verb in that sense isn’t new. It’s been around for a while. It’s the same as saying “that’s gay” or “you’re so gay.” Inappropriate? Maybe. But are we going to start accusing every middle schooler of hate crimes for saying that “that vocab test was gay” or accusing a gamer of sexual harassment for saying “I raped that noob.”
I love women. But I fucking hate feminists.
Joey,
I believe myself to be privileged, yes. But that does not mean I cannot work to give a voice to people who feel abandoned. It does not mean I cannot work to raise awareness on important issues. It does not mean that I cannot show compassion for those who have been less fortunate. That is the beauty of self-examination and hard work. We may define ourselves by our choices. My choice is to humbly attempt to be an advocate. I am not perfect, and I will not always succeed in my goals (as is demonstrated by the lack of understanding inspired in your post).
You quite clearly have not read up on the Steubenville case. The evidence eventually weighed against the boys, and they were found guilty. I’m not sure why the underage drunk girl is more likely to be lying than the underage drunk boy… particularly when the underage drunk boy made a video joking about raping said girl, and others did eventually confirm that the assault took place while under oath, but I’m glad you paid attention to the content in the post instead of spewing nonsense into the comment section. I do love productive dialogue.
And I would absolutely inform a middle schooler that they should not use hate speech. I would definitely inform a gamer that using the word rape in casual conversation trivializes the experiences of victims and makes light of the act itself.
I’m so glad you hate feminists. I wish you the best of luck in finding a woman who can tolerate your misogyny and ignorant babble for more than 5 minutes.
REALLY … REALLY… Your really think she lied?? She’s unconscious (you can tell by her flacid muscles and tendons as they try to pick her up). I guess what’s really bugging me is WHY you think that automatically. So you also think a court of law that found the boys guilty is also feminist? Where is your evidence the male judge is a feminist. Why is it more probable that nothing happened at all? Where is your evidence for probability? You have apparently skipped over the entire discussion. Your fallacies of false equivalence are also disturbing. When someone says “that’s gay” or “you’re so gay” you’re sending a picture to the receiver. It is a concept of homophobia. To say “I raped that noob” is to send the message “I dominated the new guy/gal and humiliated him/her” It’s all about the concept/picture you want the receiver to decode. So, its intended affect is to create or communicate an emotional connection to the concept. WE don’t NEED anything on those boys. THEY displayed an incredible amount of hubris (so have you). The court has spoken and the trial is over. Your posits are irrelevant to this discussion. So why are you really here?
A well written and much needed article. I hate the way rape is treated so flippantly on many occasions, or made out to be the victims fault. It is never the victims fault, regardless of the circumstances.
But I also want to take the opportunity to address an issue that seems to have arisen during the comments. (Disclaimer, not referring to the actual article, it was well written) Whenever debates surrounding rape, sexual assault, or molestation are brought up, it seems that either intentionally or unintentionally it targets men as rapists and women as victims. While this may be the case more often than not, this is not always so. But I recognise this point has already been laboured upon so I won’t pursue it any further.
What I do want to talk about is the way the bias towards men makes me feel personally, and I’m sure many other guys would agree. The vast majority of men are not rapists, find the very idea repulsive and wish it never happened to anyone. However, I have personally felt, as many other guys have, the outright sexism towards men that is seen as okay by society.
I volunteer as a camp leader for underprivileged kids a couple of times a year, and have often have been treated very differently than the girl leaders. People assume I’m far more likely to sexually assault, for example people giving me dirty looks when we take the kids out on an outing and being treated differently in terms of rules to the female staff by camp directors. I find rape disgusting, yet somehow I’m made to feel like I can’t be trusted. It’s hurtful and unfair.
And this problem goes further. People often prejudge innocent men who work in fields like primary teaching and Childcare. Men taking their kids out in public without their wives encounter suspicion and even on occasion blatant comments questioning their intentions.
While I understand this situation has arisen out of the situation of far more men perpetrating these kinds of crimes, and necessary measures need to be taken to protect our kids, could it be a point to consider that it has become a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy? I certainly don’t want my sons to grow up in a world where all men are seen as potential rapists, if anything that could provide an excuse in their heads to commit those kinds of acts. I want them to see rape for what it is: an intolarable act, whoever commits it male or female.
Perhaps rather than putting our energy into negative stereotypes, we should be focussing on teaching our young men what it is to be a real man, in an age where masculinity has become increasingly confusing
Just a thought though, I’m quite happy to admit if I’m wrong
I’m just glad that the rape crew was caught. Imagine how many victims they would have continued to harm. Imagine if a girl fought back, would they progress to murder. They think they are above the law after all.
My sympathy to Jane Doe for the death threats. I wonder if some celebrity like Ellen could step in and help her move.
Lauren, thank you for publishing this. I hope it’s seen far and wide and understood well. You are brave.
Reblogged this on Rally Against Rape.
Reading this makes me sick just because I am a victim, but I can say I greatly appericate this article and how you pointed out all the ridiculous comments people make even people we might have looked up to in a political system, the epicly fucked up advertisments that are making rape okay, and the victim blaming that is done everyday. People like you that write articles like this make me feel like there is hope of being heard. Thank you.
I truly can’t add a lot to your really good blog post here, I only want to say, as a survivor, more emphasis needs to be placed on the parents of these boys and girls who think getting someone drunk is enough of a reason to rape them. Many rapes could have been prevented if their person who was rapped was really cared about by their parent/s.
I am not saying that all people whom have been rapped have a bad home life, but the majority of them do/did. We all need to do a better job at teaching our youth about respect and not just the respect of others, but more so, of themselves.
Wow – lots of great insights, even for someone who strongly supports the cause. For example, I am disgusted every time I see Kobe Bryant on the court. You can blank that out if it’s inappropriate, but I consider it pretty much a mock trial. Expensive lawyers can work magic. I don’t understand why he is in the public eye making lots of money anymore. I refuse to watch his team. Anyway, if the real problem is a culture of violence and that the targets are women because they are physically outsized (not sure how else to express it – not saying they are weaker here, but hopefully you know what I mean), then just imagine the hidden violence that is committed against children. I have heard grandmothers threaten their own grandchildren with spankings, out loud at a playground, not thinking anything at all about it, in fact, even with a bit of chuckle sometimes, like it’s cute or something. I know that opens up another gigantic discussion so I won’t add too much to your blog, but I wanted to mention it, in case we want to get to the root of the problem. Rape is about power. Power is about power, and even better targets than women are children because it will likely never get caught. It’s even embarrassing to speak up. And it is open up to a whole new group of perpetrators. Talk about messing up lives. Saying “well, I was spanked, and I’m fine” is a little like saying “well, I was raped, and I’m fine,” isn’t it?
Reblogged this on syncopated hustle.
…mock me…ridicule me…call me the enemy…say I’m wrong for wanting this to end…when we can live in a world without pain *click* I dare you
Damn…now that’s a thread. Good post. There’s a problem in this country and around the world. A problem that starts at home.
Jeffrey
mitng.org
I wish that those who commit rape, whether on a young girl, or any female of any age, would be prosecuted to the full extent of the law at all times. I don’t believe that their age should enter into it. If they’re old enough to commit such a crime, they should be punished as an adult. We nee to step up and testify against these idiots! If a rape is witnessed, the witness is obligated to come forward, by human kindness and dignity. Not until everyone realizes that this crime is as serious as it is, will we begin to see a decline in these vicious attacks. As far as I’m concerned, the persons who commit rape should be castrated! Cut off the offending parts, and they won’t be able to do this to anyone else!! God forbid I should run the Justice system! There would be a lot less crime! I’d bring back old torture methods that fit the crime committed.
I understand the sentiment, but let’s not espouse violence.
Regardless of who is raping or being raped… the problem that follows with reporting to police and medical authorities often includes further victimization.
Reblogged this on Don't Forget to Feed the Baby and commented:
Not my usual fare, but I think this is important enough that everyone needs to read it. EVERYONE.
Reblogged this on Lukeskyrunner.
This is a wonderful article. I wrote a big rant on this myself, but mine has been rendered null and void because yours is a legitimate article, and is well documented, sourced, etc, etc. We need more opinions like yours. I only wish more of them were male opinions. What a ridiculously corrupt, patriarchal, horrible society we live in sometimes.
I suppose I need to step up as another one of those “annoying” men that were sexually assaulted (by men, in my case, and by a woman another time though I didn’t think of it as such for quite some time) to say that this is at its very bottom a non gendered issue even though on the surface it is all about gender.
It’s very hurtful to hear women talk about how insignificant this is though, just on account of the sex of our bodies. The rhetoric that female and male sex victims receive is different but the bottom line is the same: shame, rage … If we’re talking about the culture of rape, we certainly need to get past which is “worse”.
It’s not insignificant. Your pain is real. Rape is wrong in all forms.
Reblogged this on Wise Womban and commented:
I’ve been considering doing a post on this myself, but as it is somewhat overwhelming, emotionally and content-wise, I am being lazy and re-posting this excellent piece by Lauren Nelson. If you follow through to her blog, she also has a very thorough follow-up post on “false accusation” arguments…***TRIGGER WARNING***
Reblogged this on Adirondack Jersey Girl and commented:
Just read it…and don’t stop talking. The conversation must go on until the problem is resolved.
Thank you for this!!!
Goddamn feminists. If even 10% of your stupid ranting was true, all women in this nation would have to live each and every day in fear or being raped. There is no culture promoting rape in the larger United States. Maybe some backwards towns filled with hicks have this “rape culture” you rant about, but please, don’t make these generalizations that make you sound like a feminist doomsday preacher.
A couple well-publicized cases of rape (which were undoubtedly horrible crimes which should shame the people involved) and so many people crying wolf. Ridiculous. Whole society is shifting to a point where women are idolized by men and supposed to be treated like princesses, and yet feminist types never cease yapping about how the world is against them.
THE ONLY REASON THIS WAS APPROVED WAS SO YOU ALL CAN COMMENT. PLEASE, HAVE AT IT. MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS A LITTLE TOO HIGH AT THE MOMENT.
Wow. Um, okay. So you just completely ignored every single post on here where people both male and female have opened up and given their personal accounts of having been raped. (although I haven’t said as much on here, I too have been raped). Ignore the documented statistics that 7/10 females are sexually assaulted at some point in their lifetime (that’s known sexual assaults – which mean that my own aren’t counted in that number, most of my friends and family aren’t counted in that number – especially the males I know who’ve been assaulted, which is shockingly just slightly less than the number of females I know who’ve been assaulted).
Your mind and eyes are closed if you don’t see this as a prevalent problem in our society, in the world and I feel sorry for you for being so ignorant but mostly I’m angered by the willfulness of your ignorance because you have to be actively trying not to see it.
I beg your pardon?
Honestly it’s his opinion and it is not all that bad. He simply has a sheltered view point from an obvious environment where women are in general treated fairly well and posses a closed mind. He simply wishes to live in blissful ignorance of all the atrocities around us. Let him. Though I strongly suggest he decide t give up on society and become a hermit so that we can work towards progress in our society to the point of equality of all peoples and individuals.
I replied wrong, it’s supposed to be under Yong’s post.
Yong, I hope you never have to experience rape personally, or the aftermath of a loved one who has experienced it… But I promise you this, it’s not a small town thing, it’s not isolated, and it is pervasive in our culture… Speaking from experience on several levels.
Open your eyes.
Yong, you’re a jerk.
I do live each and every day in fear of being raped. After the third time I compulsively think about it every time I go out in public, every time I decide to wear a skirt (pant are harder for rapists, but by no means much of a deterrent), every time I wear a tank top (If I show my collar bone, shoulders and arms I’m a slut and I deserve to be raped), every time I so much as order a drink with dinner (because one drink easily turns into “She was drunk and asking for it”). I’ve lived it. You can tell me that it’s bullshit but frankly you weren’t there, you don’t know, and the assumption that a woman is lying about being raped (especially when she has absolutely nothing to gain from that accusation) is part of rape culture.
Your willful ignorance is more than I can combat – you’re presented with facts, countless studies and experiences but you dismiss them as false. You say women are idolized and treated like princesses – for some reason you refuse to believe that women are paid less than men for doing the same work with the same credentials even though there are dozens of sources saying that’s the case and no one credible will dispute it. You apparently refuse to believe that 1 in 6 women will be sexually assaulted at least once and yet very, very few of them will ever see their rapist do time in prison despite all of the research that shows that to be true. You think women are on a pedastal even though arrest and conviction records show without a doubt that women are twice as likely to be murdered by an intimate aquaintance than men. It doesn’t matter to you how much data there is or what their sources are, it’s apparently just all lies. Do you think a bunch of women got together one day and said “Hey, lets make up some big lie so we can have something to complain about – lets say we’re being paid less than men for doing the same stuff with the same experience. I bet we can even get the government to make up a report for us because we’re princesses and men will do whatever we want”? Do you think there’s some big conspiracy where feminists plant news articles that sympathize with rapists and blame the victims of crimes for being victims just so we can get upset about them? Seriously, how do you manage to think the things you do? It baffles me,
You’re willfully ignorant, and honestly it’s sad – for you and for the people who have to put up with you.
Yong. Your ignorance is common among people raised in a culture where rape is normalised and the victim is blamed. It is also common among misogynistic, narcissistic, bigots like yourself. Perhaps you should look beyond your blinkered ideology and do some research for yourself. Hang on a sec, I’ll do some for you. First, look at this page: http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/reporting-rates
Or how about this:
http://msmagazine.com/blog/2011/05/02/25-facts-about-rape-in-america/
Yong, YOU and your ilk are the reason why rape continues to be an acceptable practice among teens and adults. You and your ilk are the ‘hicks’ you talk about. YOU and your ilk are the reason why many people are too scared to report rape. YOU and your ilk are the reason why people like Lauren and myself will keep spreading the word that rape is NOT acceptable. That rape is a heinous crime and that the ideology needs to change from ‘rape shouldn’t be discussed’ to ‘rape should be talked about and decried openly in society’. We will keep talking about rape culture until all our children understand that rape is wrong and not acceptable. We will continue shouting that rape is wrong and that the perpetrators should not be molly coddled, but instead be vilified as the pond scum that they are. We will continue to talk until mass media shows sympathy toward the victim and not the perpetrators of rape. We will continue to talk until people like you understand that rape is far too common to be ignored and accepted as ‘a small part of society’. We will continue to talk until the idea of rape education changes from telling women to ‘not dress provocatively’, or ‘not get drunk’, or ‘choose your companions’, to statements such as ‘rape is wrong’, ‘do not rape’, “I couldn’t control myself” is not an excuse, “she asked for it” is not an excuse, “she provoked me” is not an excuse.
We will continue to talk about rape so that ignorant (as in unknowing, not arrogant, even though you are) people like you are educated in the facts about rape and understand that the act is far more common than you want to believe, and that it is WRONG.
Rape is wrong, and all potential rapists need to know that they will no longer be protected or have an excuse to rape.
Pull your head out of your television Yong, and take a look at the real world around you. You’ll be surprised at what you see.
Women do live in fear of being raped, and many of us HAVE been raped, whether as children or as adults. In their lifetime, 1 in every 3 women will be sexually assaulted. As in, one third of all women will be sexually assaulted. This is not crying wolf. This is sexual assault. Real, honest to God, happens every day, sexual assault, which is brushed aside by people like you who think all men walk on water and women should just keep their mouths shut. Women are not idolized by men. Women make less money for doing the same job; women get fewer promotions and hold fewer positions of power in business. Women DO fear being rape. We just choose to live beyond it, and we absolutely have the right to stand up and say that we won’t allow it to happen, and we won’t allow people to brush it aside like it doesn’t happen, or like we’re just whining and nagging.
Yong, are you saying *I’M* crying wolf? Do you accuse ME of lying? I am Male, and was raped by my female employer. It was absolutely devastated for some time. So are you saying it was all imagined? Are you then also saying a woman I lived with years ago didn’t try shove the sharp end of a broom through my eye she just broke over my arm only because I didn’t physically *make* her 16 y/o daughter (*I* was doing them at the time of the attack I still have the scar at age 50). Is that what you saying? You sir, embody that which we are discussing. The Rape Culture, despite your protestations to the contrary. Rape/Domestic Violence =violence period. You’ll have to answer to someone eventually.
OMG it should say “physically *make* her 16 y/o daughter do the DISHES” So sorry it came out so wrong.
A couple of well publicized cases? Who is crying wolf?
You’d have had to actually read the article to know how wrong you are on both counts. It’s obvious you skimmed the first paragraph and spewed out an angry retort to this well reasoned and researched article. How about reading it and refuting the content instead?
The anger you’re repeatedly displaying towards women -for merely having a conversation- is a big part of the reason to why you are so clueless as to what women do experience every day of their lives. Starting prepuberty we all experience verbal harassment and inappropriate attention on a regular schedule from men who think we are acting like “princesses” and express anger because we don’t enjoy it. Same as you.
Who would trust you to listen- when you’ve already decided it’s likely she’s crying wolf or yapping? No woman with any shred of self esteem would. You are doomed to socialize with only the poor damaged souls that you will view as “asking for it” or “misunderstood rape” because those with inner strength, boundaries and self worth will avoid your sorry ass like the plague.
You put your own hostility towards women and ignorance on full display proudly. It’s sad you think there is something commendable about this.
Ok guys, I think he’s been ripped a nice and clean new anal orafice. I must say you all did a great, most of you suprisingly haveing the will to be logical and state strong evidence(and increasingly higher sexual assault charges, which aren’t the real statisc, the most common actual results of studies being 1in5 or 1 in 7 depending, I would personally average several studies t account for discrepency in source data) anyway, I sadly worry this was heard by deaf ears, but I hope this may have gotten through to him.
At first, I was guilty of scanning this and then after a thorough reading, I really loved it. I wish more people were vocal about this subject and working to challenge the whole idea that women should have to prevent and protect themselves from rape.
Girls who drink too much and act slutty before they pass out, should be treated like a human and put somewhere safe and protected until they’re well again, like anyone would want for one’s self if they were to pass out when drinking. I am so disturbed by what happened in Ohio and equally outraged by CNN’s coverage. Why is it that this never gets the attention that the “fiscal cliff” or the “sequester” get on the news?! Very frustrating topic… Thank you for speaking up and writing this.
I’m sitting here in shock. The tweets and fb comments are almost more than I can stand. I can’t believe that so many people can have a mind set like that. Myself as well as 5 of my family members have been raped. The situations that led to those events are all over the board and yet I am still flabbergasted reading this. I guess I always thought there were horrible people out there but I never equated it to entire communities. It is my goal as a parent to make sure I raise my son better that this! What is wrong with this country?
“UPDATE: I will no longer be publishing comments which caveat the discussion of rape culture with false rape accusation concerns.”
Good call. Shut down the concern trolls.
As far as I’m concerned we can never have enough blog posts listing and outlining incontrovertible evidence for rape culture. So thank you.
Our culture protects these bastards. it’s something that not only effects innocent women, but is also related to the bullying culture. it begins in the middle schools, and being encouraged to dominate weaker people, who don’t deserve to be subjected to the acolytes of failed athletes turned coaches. rewarded for their unforgiving self-hatred fueld violence, the brainwashing continues for the “glory” of the team. Making the bully jock who paves through resistance and conquers the most people the homecoming king or whatever trumped up school-spirit boobie prize is handed out to pat the back of the superhero-brute. Being male, I had to sit and listen to the locker-room stories, be bullied, and put up with these bastards. a blizzard of nauseating he-man shit that does nothing but bring shame on men. All through the educational process the reward for missing classes, being good at hitting and kicking and playing with a ball is forgiveness and a blind eye to the attitudes which, if were more wide spread, would plunge us into an ugly brutal world which accepts such behavior… wait! here we are!
Can I translate it to spanish?? This need to be read worldwide!
That would be fantastic.
Reblogged this on mslovettcarter and commented:
Sexism at it’s prime… So sad
Reblogged this on Clarifications.
It encourages me to see how many of the comments have taken female-on-male rape seriously. I was extremely upset to see the images in the article containing phrases like “all men are rapists” and “tell men to stop raping women” seemingly being endorsed, but it seems the issue has not gone unnoticed. The idea that men are the problem causes untold harm. Violent individuals are the problem, and it’s a problem shared by everyone.
That image is an ad for a group which purports to support “Male Rights.” The “all men are rapists” text is what they believe the population tells men (I’m certainly not saying that, and I can’t think of anyone here who would). The “tell men to stop raping women” was a truism, but it was in response to the argument that women must protect themselves from male rape with a gun, so in context, it was a direct response. Men can be raped as well. Women can be rapists. All rape is bad.
I wholeheartedly agree with you on all but one point… Well one image, anyway. I’ve spent my entire teen/adult life trying to protect people from harm…. I call out the scumbags on their BS misogyny, call the cops when needs be, and am the first to step in harms way to defend another. I’m a guy, my male friends are of like mind… We do not tolerate people perpetrating harm on others. In short, all men are not rapists, as indicate by one of the images you’ve posted. Please understand, I’m not asking you to edit, change anything, I don’t want/need/expect an apology…. I get it, and it breaks my heart. I feel a great sadness whenever I’m walking late at night and see woman tense up when she notices me in her vicinity…. Especially because I’m the guy that lay down my life to protect from harm if needs be.
Our culture sickens me, in so many ways… And I do everything I am able to help.
I appreciate your advocacy – keep on keeping on! That image is actually created by a “Men’s Rights” group that is trying to argue that this is what men are “up against.” I’m not saying all men are rapists. Men can be raped. Women can rape. Rape is just bad.
I wholeheartedly agree with you on all but one point… Well one image, anyway. I’ve spent my entire teen/adult life trying to protect people from harm…. I call out the scumbags on their BS misogyny, call the cops when needs be, and am the first to step in harms way to defend another. I’m a guy, my male friends are of like mind… We do not tolerate people perpetrating harm on others. In short, all men are not rapists, as indicate by one of the images you’ve posted. Please understand, I’m not asking you to edit, change anything, I don’t want/need/expect an apology…. I get it, and it breaks my heart. I feel a great sadness whenever I’m walking late at night and see woman tense up when she notices me in her vicinity…. Especially because I’m the guy that lay down my life to protect from harm if needs be.
Our culture sickens me, in so many ways… And I do everything I am able to help.
I promise that’s not an expression of opinion. It’s a misguided advertisement for a men’s rights group.
Thank you, I’m of the same mind. Perhaps because I bullied when young, I don’t know. I Illustrate what happed just yesterday. I posted the what happened on my F/B, and what I wrote explifies PEOPLE that care. With the moderators indulgence I will copy it here:
What a punk. Some man (I wish he’d stopped) just drove by and yelled “I hate Ni**rs” out his window to a young black couple taking a walk with their toddler in a stroller and young son. So I yelled back ” We hate you! “. He looked and started to stop until he saw me, and then sped away. I’m not of african american descent, but I am human. He isn’t. I was ready, willing and totally able[to engage]. I still am. I was raised to be a human, and human I shall be. If someone treats you like that, degrading your humanity, I’ll step up for you too. Even if your green with 4 arms. It is the person inside that exemplifies humanity. It is the heart and soul of dignity I defend. Not the Color of one’s Skin, Faith, Culture, Country of origin or Orientation. It’s just a matter of sentient dignity.
You should be very proud of how well you’ve tackled this issue. You’re an intelliget, gifted writer, young lady.
Well done.
I love your post, I think it’s brilliant and insightful. Please don’t think I am a grammar snot, but I saw this twice: there is a different between “infer” and “confer.” You keep saying infer and meaning confer. Otherwise, WONDERFUL post. No kidding.
brilliant response — thank you for posting this.
I found it interesting that at least one of the spectators (I think I heard at least 3 voices in the background doing this) was at least trying to point out that he/they knew what was happening is wrong. This in no way excuses them for failing to come forward once the story broke wide open, but I think it’s worth acknowledging that some of these young men couldn’t stand by & watch without making at least trying to talk sense into their buddies. “What if you had a daughter & that happened to her?” “What if she were your sister?” “That could be Amanda–this is just wrong!” So, maybe the point is that “rape culture” is when it becomes more acceptable to make a feeble complaint but then keep your mouth shut, than to truly take a stand against letting someone get victimized just because she (or he) isn’t able to stand up for her- or him- self.
I was with you until you got to Tosh.
As a victim of molestation, I find jokes on this and similar topics hilarious. It’s true. I find that, if you read beneath the surface on these jokes (I’m involved in my local stand-up comedy scene, so I see people who write them), you’ll find that the subject of ridicule isn’t the victim, but the attacker. Anyone who would truthfully defend the ridiculous position that a rape joke appears to make is a fool, and the subtle point in a rape joke is that there actually are people who think like this somewhere, and they are worth mocking, if only through sublime satire and/or parody. I find hearing jokes about this sort of thing hilarious because the true butt of the joke is the attacker, not the victim. The fact that the attacker often thinks the joke supports him is part of the delicious twist.
I appreciate that some people don’t enjoy these jokes, so, I encourage comedians, both of the professional and of the third-martini stripes, to be mindful of their audiences, and to shut up if people aren’t cool with the joke. But, please understand that, many times, the joker in these cases is simply trying to be towards rape as Professor Lupin in Prisoner of Azkaban was to towards boggarts.
Well said. This was irking me a lot but I held my tounge for the sake of the bigger picture. I unfortunately I did have the perspective or example to frame this in the correct light, you however were able to perfectly. Thank you!
Well done and well said
You’re right. This was triggering and made me sick to my stomach, and I’m dang glad you’re saying it. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!
It’s fear of things like this happening that kept me from reporting being raped. Unfortunately, the statute of limitations has passed before I had the knowledge and courage to do anything about it. It’s sickening. I am now a mother to a beautiful 5 month old little girl and my way to avenge what happened to me will be to make sure that it never happens to her. Thank you for not staying silent about “rape culture” (the term alone makes me shudder). Neither will I.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It is amazing how our daughters inspire us, isn’t it?
I have read a lot of these replies but not all. I look forward to them because there is a lot of insightful dialogue. I used to work in an inner-city school district as a Teen Pregnancy Prevention Specialist. I encountered tons of incest and rape survivors and helped them as best I could. But there was a much larger problem, and it is a culture, but a different one. One day at that job, I met a 44 year old great-grandmother. That is not a typo. This girl’s great-great-great grandmother was still alive. This led me to the question of ‘how do I fight this? How can this mentality be dismantled?’
When you move that concept to the realm of rape, that is what a rape culture is. That might not be the best wording for it, but we live in a society that by whatever means you would like to argue, perpetuates rape. There is no one thing that can be blamed. It is not that simple. And although I don’t have exact statistics on this, I am sure the majority of rapists were raised by their mother. A woman. And regardless of if the rapist is male or female, it would seem like a safe asshmption that women understand the impact of imbalance of power, be it between the sexes, between people, socioeconomic, etc. It seems like women should have the power to stop rape because all we have to do is raise our children differently. But it’s no where near that simple, because there is a much bigger problem lurking.
This is a self-propelling system and breaking that down will be tremendous. I have no answers. But maybe my questions and thoughts will give someone else a critical idea in all of this. I am currently raising 4 kids. 2 daughters and 2 sons. My oldest is just 11, but we are moving into the realm of cell phones and crushes and it seems daunting. I have had conversations with my kids from day one that this is your body and no one can touch it and that they cannot touch someone else’s. It’s a daunting task.
And now a moment of personal perspective on this. I was raped at 13. The guy who raped me has probably never given me a second thought. There have been times in my life that I have been consumed by it. I was raped yet I am the one serving a life sentence. When I finally had the nerve to tell my father at the age of 20, his response was “So what.” Call it what you want, but that is what is being referred to as a rape culture. It is either ok, or it doesn’t matter.
Serious kudos for having frank conversations with your kids. As my daughter gets older, we’ll be having the same conversations. I wish we didn’t have to. Thank you for sharing your story.
I Love this article thank you! Glorifying sports is fine as long as you are glorifying someone who exemplifies what sports are! Good morals and values, Team work, good sportsman ship, civic pride, and using your status to do good in the world. The second one of those is not being exemplified by an athlete they need to be held accountable like everyone else. We are all human and should be judged the same. This company is coming out with drink wear that changed color when certain date rape drugs are introduced. They are trying to get them into bars in college towns to start and then spread them out.
https://www.facebook.com/SavvyTechnology
It’s some amazing technology and they were successful with their indiegogo campaign. I would share this with your friends, get a pack of the drink stirrers for your kid going off to college. We may not be able to end rape entirely but we can give ourselves more tools so we are not caught off guard.
Thank you for your reasoned discourse.
Oh and I found your article very enlightening and though provoking.
*thought
Reblogged this on Our Harvard Can Do Better.
not sure the context of that one solo tweet or who sent it, but those are rap lyrics (traumatized by meek mill)
It’s interesting that being drunk is the thing that makes this girl guilty, but being drunk is what makes the boys who took advantage of her innocent.
We have had football scandals here too [Australia] which were shocking enough, but I had no idea adverts like that were even possible. I think I need to get out into the real world a bit more. I’m going to reblog this.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate your reasoned and intelligent post regarding this difficult topic.
One aspect to this story I find interesting is the socialization of both males and females to accept the story of male ownership of women. That they have some right to them. It’s never phrased that bluntly now (well, not in polite company), but it’s been a mere century or so since it was out and out expressed that way, only to be slowly re-thought and weeded out of common speech. Yet, I believe the idea can lurk in the subconscious, even in those men and women who would never believe they believe it.
I’m in my 50’s, and it has been quite recently that I realized that I bought into male dominance and heir “need” for sex being stronger than females so somehow they get a pass for “boys will be boys behavior”. But it’s like the fish not knowing it’s in water. Unless you challenge yourself about these toxic notions, you may not realize you carry them around with you. When I read a man claiming that he’s never heard guys talking about raping women (at 46, really?), I just think the basics of his understanding about such things are buried very deeply.
The thing that did it for me was always wondering why sex never truly felt good when it was at the convenience of my husband.You may find people who think that if a person hadn’t been enlightened about “rape culture”, they wouldn’t be bothered by it. No. It never feels right to have it not be your choice whether or not you’re socialized to think so or not.
‘Rape Culture’ began when this country started to have movies about sex, violence, and finally rape from Hollywood to be made a few decades ago and not have it censored or realized that we have been desensitized toward those things ever since. If we just realized there is a rape culture now or have not yet, we are in deep trouble already.Lets stop the Desensitization together.
it has absolutely nothing to do with movies or images outside the offender. it has everything to do with the attitudes, images, and the need for power or dominance over the victim, any victim. Having the attitude you have displayed is misleading. It is a red herring, a fallacy to excuse. I am not saying your purposfully trying to mislead. What I am saying is , you too, have been indoctinated into the rape culture. As stated in a previous entry (one of the first ones from a male victim) I was raped by my former female employer, and because of the shame, because the cops wouldn’t file a report, because my family ridiculed me, and because less and less able to see myself as someone of worth I no longer persued it. Don’t blame Hollywood. Hollywood doesn’t say “Go Forth and Rape young man/woman!”. Blame the rapist and only the rapist. The responsibility is theirs and theirs alone.
I agree that you can’t blame a rapist’s actions on their environment; they still made the decision out of their own free will. We can and should, though, recognize the impact of negative media in our environment on our attitudes towards sexual violence in order to limit its contribution to the ultimate development of a rapist. Fair?
There are many reasons and artist makes the art that he does. The purpose of any work be it film television or literature that involves rape or any other uncomfortable and distressing subject can be far more complex than you might understand, and the ultimate goal and intent of the piece might actually be an out come you would view positively. The famed author John Fowles wrote his acclaimed thriller “The Collector” partially as way to express and explore his own adolescent fantasies to abduct a woman and imprison her to make her fall in love with him. Obviously he never acted on such desires in reality, and also obviously understood such a thing would be one of the worst things a human being could commit, as can easily be seen if you read the book. Why should we stop an artist from expressing unacceptable concepts in an acceptable form?
The only thing censoring topics which offend and make some people uncomfortable ever accomplishes is repression of freedom and feeling, harming our society, simply to alleviate the discomfort of the individuals whom wish not to think of or acknowledge the subject. It is simply to silence that subject so that individual does not have to explore and learn about and from that subject. Censorship of art will never be an answer to social problems, it will only be a means for those in power to exert that power upon the public and the artists within it.
Reblogged this on Brad's Blog and commented:
Rape culture…time to stand up and end the underlying ideology that rape is not such a bad thing.
Are we not “simply”talking misogyny here? The whole issue appears to me to come down to the insecurity of men in accepting a level playing field regardless of gender, sex, sexuality or whatever. In part too, this is a product of the sometimes ridiculous behaviours society demands of males in order they can see themselves as “real men”.
Being white is to add another level of ‘superior’ expectation.
Because not all men are rapists. Because women can rape as well. Privilege plays a role on both sides of the gender divide.
I believe this appropriate to the subject:
Reblogged this on iheariseeilearn.
Thank you for writing this. I once dated a guy who was in a fraternity in college and thought that most rape claims were false. His reasoning? Because his friend and roommate was accused of rape and the case was dropped. I pointed out to him that the fact that this guy is his friend does not indicate that he’s not capable of rape. Neither does the fact that the case was dropped. This point especially irked me being an attorney. Even if the accused was innocent that does not mean she’s a liar. She may have merely been mistaken about the identity of the attacker. He also claimed that the frat party was entitled “erotica” and she knew what it was about. Even so, just because she may have been interested in having sex, it does not follow that she wanted to have sex with your friend and surprise, women do have a right to discriminate when it comes to choosing a sexual partner. Most importantly one case of a false allegation (which I highly doubt it was, but I’ll assume for the sake of argument) does not mean that most allegations are false! Needless to say we are not together anymore.
My only regret is that I didn’t dump him right after this conversation. It was an indicator of his stupidity, insensitivity and misogyny in general which was demonstrated in other aspects of the relationship. Having been attacked myself after the break up I sometimes feel the need to call him up and ask him if he thinks I’m lying too. He would probably blame me for being drunk and wearing a short dress at the time. Maybe I should just send him the link to this. This is not to bash him and frankly this isn’t about him. He’s merely the personification of this very serious problem.
Suggestion: perhaps you could explore the same topic in the military. You’d have a ton of material there. Quite a hot topic now with The Invisible War and the Rolling Stones article. http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/the-rape-of-petty-officer-blumer-20130214
Rape (typically, but not exclusively, men on women) is so thoroughly a part of not just our contemporary culture, but history, civilization, perhaps even humans as a species. It is a sad and frustrating thought, and yes, it makes me feel as if I’m a walking, living target only because I’m a girl. And I bet I’m not the only one.
I keep waiting us to evolve as a species. Hey evolution, where’s my vagina dentata?
appropriate:
@rantagainsttherandom,
The following attempts to walk both sides of this often combative area.
When I was 23 (I’m now 58), my then 19 year-old girlfriend had been raped-abducted by her “boyfriend” and I took her to the gynecologist for I noticed something wrong with her labia. As I recall, she had done an desperate coat-hanger attempt to self-abort.
That short relationship was a major turning point in my life — and I’ve since crossed paths with lovers and friends who were sexually abused and raped. I also know of the insane statistics of “only subtle” to vicious abuse of women.
In short, I’m no misogynist for I have experience close up and personal the soul-searing effects of such violence as white-hot rage, deep despair and sadness — as well as my becoming the unwitting target representing all men who abused them.
All of these facets have made me more conscious of what women go through. I have absolutely 0 tolerance for any forms of abuse, be it on women, children, the elderly, the disadvantaged. It’s also helped me go deeper — sex is a spiritual thing for me.
However I see words like “All Men Are Rapists” in the artwork you included above (for the “A Voice for Men – Compassion for Boys and Men” site*), that pisses me off — as a man who has never even considered hurting a woman.
(*The site itself is hard to decipher — is it really about balancing out things or is it some vile testosterone masquerading as actual emotional intelligence? Dunno, and I don’t want to put effort into it.)
What I do know is that terms — and most importantly, perceptions — that all men are dangerous is bullshit. If women want to perhaps try to understand what men go through (even though most may be totally clueless due to upbringing, peer pressure, etc.)- go read the article I linked at the end. In terms of this subject, here is the sentence that stands out:
“Men are frequently believed to be fundamentally malevolent and untrustworthy, particularly because of our “uncontrollable” sexual desires.”
There are far more layers and issues addressed at the article but that one line addresses what almost all men carry around, no matter how conscious or kind they are.
And here is another fact – something I’ve experienced as a child through my mother: women and girls will at times subtly or not subtly try to verbally castrate boys by putting them down for just having a penis.
Again, I am not advocating a blind eye or minimizing on what way too many men act out and do. I’ve made that very clear. And I support the empowering of women, which includes having had banners to V-Day and Stop Rape Now — United Nations Action Against Sexual Violence in Conflicts for many years. I also have women friends who counsel and empower women — sexually and otherwise.
Yet what is also missing is the equivalent for men. Too often, women’s groups act in a vacuum, almost like a coven. Having moderated a forum on sacred sexuality years ago, I have some experience in online discussing of sexuality.
What still gets to me is that too often even when men are allowed to join discussions within women’s groups, etc.it is rare that women will actually seem to give a damn about what men are experiencing on their side of the gender fence. We guys get shut out, if but by silence.
Whose fault is that? Both sides in their own particular ways.
But if we really want to start to get somewhere entre-genders, yes, the men who do all the harm have to really get a grip and get it together and stop the cruelty and bullshit.
AND/BUT women have also to start — looking for — the good in men for what we put our attention on, increases/shows up in our lives. Or as a friend of mine puts it, “When we reach beyond what is hurting us, we find what is loving us.” ~ Holly Austin Grimes
This looking-for doesn’t mean going back to submissiveness, naivete or not using one’s intuition, wits and discernment when it comes to a man’s character and motivations.
But it does require some self-honesty: BOTH sides are co-creating this mess in many ways when we continue the eye-for-an-eye, fire-with-fire wars between us. All that does is create more resistance and push-back.. By and in both.
Simply put, yes, there is a “culture of rape” in far too many places on this planet and men have some serious re-adjusting to do, but women also have to stop throwing crap around like “all men are rapists” (even subtly) for we are NOT.
Both sides have to at least agree to a cease-fire before any real sanity can break out.
Philip Steven Knight
CompassionSensuality.Net
Above-mentioned blog-article:
“Why Are Men So Obsessed with Sex?”
http://www.interchangecounseling.com/blog/why-men-are-so-obsessed-with-sex/
Thank you Phillip, for the articulate comment. The image is an ad for a “Men’s Rights” group. It is included here, not because I agree with the statements, but because they are mocking rape culture, and framing the discussion of it as though the discussion is somehow a form of male oppression. I don’t believe all men are rapists or evil. And I know men who have been raped by men, and I know men who have been raped by women, and I know women who have been raped by women. Rape is just bad, no matter how you slice it.
Well said. Thanks for posting that.
I was raped last year. I don’t remember much of it, I’m pretty sure I was drugged. I woke up, being thrown on the streets pretty much, while covered in bruises and pain every where. I was at a party. I only remember snippets, that i suppress, it’s too painful to remember. I went home and pretended nothing happened. I had one friend take me to a hospital the next day. They did all kinds of tests and took pictures of the bruises on my body. I had to take anti-HIV medicine for a whole month as a precaution. I felt guilty, maybe it was my fault.I would never say this about another person who this would happen to, but this is how i felt. I never really dealt with it, whatever that means, and that’s fine for now. I told the guy I was dating, we had to break up, I couldn’t bare him feeling sorry for me. He cried, that was too much for me. I could not have sex with him, because ‘he knew’. Recently I started dating, I feel good, not sure if this is denial. That’s what the social worker said after it happened ‘you need to deal with it’. I don’t know exactly what that means. For me, that means, living and loving my life, no matter how I do that. This is something I never EVER talk about to anyone. The only people who know are the two ppl I mentioned earlier, I hardly see them anymore. I don’t think I can be close to them, because ‘they know’. You see, for my friends, I’m considered a strong woman, but this happened to me, it makes me ‘weak’. At least that’s how I feel, I feel ‘scarred’ and weak when ppl know. if they know, then that means I have to deal with it, and I don’t want to. I don’t think I have to if I don’t want to.
Making women feel guilty about them being raped, questioning their own behavior, that’s wrong. Right now I take ‘precautions’, e.g. not being alone anywhere, not in a bar, not in a taxi…etc. Recently, I was out with a friend and I couldn’t find him, it was 2 am, and I freaked out. I was a strong woman, but right now, in those moments, I feel weak.
Also, the shame about having been raped. Why do I feel ashamed? Why am I posting this anonymously?
I’m fine now, I’m happy, but I don’t think I can ever tell anyone, friends/ family…etc.. Will that be hard for a future serious relationship? Maybe. I just can’t be with anyone who knows. But please, do not call me a victim.
This is the first time I’ve ever told this story.
Thank you so much for sharing with us.
I think you missed the biggest rape culture of all. The US military has a higher sexual assault rate than the rape capital in Africa. They are just like the athletes. They wear uniforms, run in packs and we call them hero’s. One in three women who serve is sexually assaulted not to mention the women outside of them military the military is raping.
And regarding Zerlina Maxwell, I was not impressed by her statement and the backlash proved it hold no water. You can’t tell people not to rape you have to hold them accountable and that is what America is not doing.
At least in Steubenville there is some justice. Women have come forward regarding their military rapes and nothing is being done. They actually testify in front of congress and the senate and no action is taken.
http://www.theusmarinesrape.com/HideTheTruth.html
But really good rant!
I can’t keep up with the continuous comments. There are just way too many so many I can’t. I’m sorry I’m bowing out. Keep up the good fight educating these people and continuing to further our mutual goal, Lauren. Thank you for speaking out and facilitating this conversation.
It seems I am a liar, I simply can’t walk away from this; I feel it is too important.
I think a large part of the reason people react badly to discussion of “rape culture” isn’t that they genuinely believe there’s no problem, it’s the implications of the phrase. “Rape culture” is intended to suggest as broad as possible a problem, one that is integrated thoughtlessly into everyday life. And perhaps that’s valid, but it’s also unique. It seems to set rape apart from all other violent or abusive acts, of which rape is only one. I imagine the reason is that public acknowledgement of the problem of rape, like this discussion, is a relatively recent phenomenon, and as such has a tendency to be set apart from more familiar acts. It’s no less accurate to say that we live in a murder culture, an abuse culture, a bullying culture, an abandonment culture, or a torture culture. No one addresses such things in that way, though, because we’re all aware of it and have become somewhat inured to them as part of the human condition. Certainly people speak out against them, but only as acts, not as a cultural phenomenon to be fought. When rape is singled out as it is by that phrase people react a certain amount of natural resentment through their perception that rape has been elevated above other, equally damaging abuse. I think the phrase itself, though what it represents is important, causes some degree of harm to its own cause.
I think the problem I have with drawing distinctions with a “murder culture” is it only works if you misunderstand the term culture in this context. Rape culture is not measured by frequency of rape, though that is a symptom. It is measured by socially accepted choices and practices that trivialize or rationalize rape. I guess – maybe – I could see that being stretched elsewhere.
I’m ok with the term ruffling feathers, but largely because discomfort is frequently the mother of change.
No, I understand the implications… that’s exactly what I mean. Of course, “murder” is way too broad, but if we narrow it down to, say, “hit-and-run culture” then it becomes the same. All common violent acts exist because of a combination of human impulse and cultural context, and rape is no different.
As for the term itself…. well, there’s ruffling feathers to make people think and then there’s unintentionally creating an antagonistic and unproductive atmosphere. I’m not sure which one I think this phrase does more of, but it’s worth considering.
Er, incidentally, I keep trying to sign up for follow-up comments, but somehow keep getting subscribed to ALL comments… this is the third time I’ve tried, but my inbox can’t take it!
I’m thinking I need to stop being lazy and set this up via .org… Sorry about that 😦
I stopped reading after the first line cause it annoyed the fuck out of me
Saying one sentence for the whole article isn’t a good way to right a article or get what you wanna say out. You could have said it maybe twice at the beginning and the end and this wouldnt have annoyed me to not even wanna read it.
It’s called a rhetorical device. I’m sorry you didn’t like it this time around.
I have to say, I was somewhat relieved that there was at least one or two guys that was openly saying what they did wasn’t okay. But just one or two is not enough.
Rape culture is re-posting THAT photo and THAT video to make a point. If that was you, how re-traumazting would that be? Let US not also objectify this young woman in our own quest to share our beliefs. Let us believe in her value, her dignity, enough to consider how all commentary related to her rape might impact her.
You’ll have to forgive me for copying and pasting a prior response, but I haven’t slept since Tuesday morning….
To be honest, I seriously struggled with their inclusion, but ultimately decided to use them for a few reasons.
To begin with, she is unidentifiable in the media. While this does not necessarily diminish her anguish, it was a critical component of the decision for me. I would never, in a million years, consider posting content which depicted the rape or revealed her identity. Second, i used links on content that could not be visualized. Part of the reason the piece was constructed this way was to provide inescapable and visceral proof of the behavior. Discussing the bad behavior is one thing; it is another to see it. Nothing can prepare you for those images. The amount of emails I’ve received from people saying that those two pieces, in particular, completely changed their mind has been completely overwhelming.
Again, does this address the suffering of the victim? No, admittedly, it does not. But then, the media is already so widely circulated that not including it in a positive context is also cause for pause. If the only time the media is shown is in rape culture-ridden mainstream media reports and sensationalist content that does little to foster productive dialogue, is the suffering all for naught? Part of the reason I fight the way I do is because I feel like we all owe it to each other to keep the balance. There’s a lot of bad in the world, and if we won’t shine a light into the dark, we’re all sort of screwed. If including the media here as a means of shaming the perpetrators over the victim works to counteract some of the vitriol out there, I have to think it matters. It’s a form of reclamation of narrative. I’m still not entirely comfortable with it – it’s not really my narrative to reclaim – but in world where the narrative has become the driving force of public discourse, I guess this is my way of trying to defend her.
I am not closed minded though, and this is clearly a complex issue. I have reservations, and am open to further discussion, if you’re interested.
Did no one else notice this article says all men are rapists????
For the millionth time on this thread, it does not. It features an image from a men’s rights website which mocks rape culture. I am not saying all men are rapists. They’re not.
Wow, you are amazing! I’m from Finland, and this matter SO needed to be heard over here as well. In Sweden and Norway too.. I’m gonna spread this like crazy.. Thank you for standing up for rape victims, we have to change they way people think! STOP RAPING!!
Reblogged this on Is There Any Tea On This Spaceship?.
How is the “real drink” ad rape related? I can’t buy girls drinks?
Buying a girl (or guy) a drink isn’t a big deal. If alcohol is the tool used to get out of the “friend zone”, it’s about mitigating the woman’s capacity to consent. That’s fucked up.
Reblogged you here: http://supervillainramblings.blogspot.com/2013/03/rape-culture.html
This is an amazingly well-written post, and I applaud you for it.
An impressive share! I’ve just forwarded this onto a colleague who had been conducting a little homework on this. And he in fact bought me breakfast due to the fact that I found it for him… lol. So let me reword this…. Thanks for the meal!! But yeah, thanx for spending the time to talk about this topic here on your internet site.
Thank you for this blog! We need more people speaking up about the forced sex, dehumanizing culture of America.
Reblogged this on Spridda observationer and commented:
Och som lite grädde på moset. Varför den skavande våldsmaskuliniteten är ett samhällsproblem och inte bara en orsak till att konstatera att även män är offer för könsmaktsordningen.
Hi, I’m not American, and luckily I have not heard any of this story yet here in Europe (luckily for the sake of the young girl), it is mindblowing how people react to this humiliating attack on this young girl – I’m from Denmark and here drinking is legal from a low age and is fairly common, and although it is not always a good thing, we have very few rape cases a year here though we have a lot of young people getting drunk every weekend. I think the difference is in the attitude of parents, community and society, and though parents and society accepts heavy drinking here, attacks of any kind have zero tolerance – that be a rape, a shooting episode or any other form for violence. It is not portrayed in our youth media even though we have MTV and other international tv stations, most people watch Danish programmes where you would NEVER find anybody defending the rapist and if they did they would be put down throughout the country – i just cant imagine a reaction to this to be anything else than horror if it had happen here. So my point will be that it might to a large extend be a cultural thing and a highly sexualised view on women. If something like that happened here the whole country would be talking about what went wrong with our society so that boys could do anything this horrible to a girl, not blaming her because she was drinking at a party. I think in order for girls and women to be protected against this, society must stop looking down on women and stop defining what a good girl is and a bad girl is. And as for the girl, I hope she recovers from this, being gang-raped is not her own fault, and she is not to blame nomatter what people say. I wish the best for her!
I just wanted to thank you for this. I have not been the victim of a sexual crime but still find the… “problem” sounds so weak in this context but… problem of rape very personal. I have friends who were repeatedly victimized before I knew them and have heard gut-wrenching recounts of other crimes. I often find it hard to articulate for myself the massive, glaring issues I see in our society with regards to sexual assault and women’s rights and this post has done it for me. Thank you. May the future be a safer place for everyone (because while we see rape as a women’s issue it affects so many, many men and boys too. but you mentioned Sandusky, so you know).
Hi Lauren! I know you’re behind on comment moderation, and with excellent reason, so no hurry, but I figured I owed you a comment anyway. Last night I delivered your piece “So you’re tired of hearing about rape culture” orally at an open mike poetry reading. I edited a bit, for oral delivery (and I suppose my own spin), but credited you as having written the great bulk of it. I hardly ever do topical stuff, but something about the repetition and emotion got to me. I just thought that as a former speech person, you might get a kick out of someone you’ve never met re-purposing your written-hypertexted work for oral delivery, and I couldn’t get the email button to work to tell you more privately.
That is so incredibly validating. Thank you so much for sharing the information, and thank you so much for telling me about this!
We hear about “Rape Culture” in other countries and are appalled, like the recent cases in India. But when it comes to our own back yard we as western culture sweep it under the rug. We pretend that “That couldn’t happen here!”
We are so wrong. The only way to stop this descent into depravity is with patents teaching their boys how to be real men and not just oversized children.
Rape culture has also made it harder for a father to hug their daughters in public without the awkward stares.
Thank you for writing this. We as western culture need to change.
This is a great post, but I do wish that you hadn’t chosen to focus on the “athletes” vs “young girl” part so much. When speaking about the coach and the town rallying around these young men for the sake of football, yes, it is relevant. But otherwise, it’s grouping all athletes into the same category (rapists) which is a little unfair. Also, the athletes were just as young as the girl. I just think it’s important to be careful where we’re pointing the finger and to frame the argument carefully.
Rape culture is when any person rapes any other person and they think or others think it is okay/justified/understandable for any reason.
And yes, I am sure people are tired of hearing about it. But if you don’t want to hear about it anymore then it should stop existing.
Reblogged this on milk & honey ~ geeks & gangstas.
First, being against rape does not make someone a feminist, it makes them human. And, yes, rape against young boys is, unfortunately, very common. It just doesn’t get reported as much. Rape against males is not just by women. The majority of rape against men/boys is by men. I hear stories daily about boys and men being molested and raped (I work as a counselor in a jail). When asked if it was ever reported to families or the police 9xs out of 10, it is not. Usually due to the families wanting to hide the embarrassment.
But I do agree with an earlier post that if a male reports a rape they are not asked what they were wearing or if they had been drinking. Only females are, which goes back to it must have been something they did to provoke the attack.
Aside from the actual rape, blaming the victim is the biggest problem. society tries to make sense of a senseless act. if they believe it happened because of a ‘mistake’ the victim made then they can believe it wont happen to them if they avoid the same ‘mistakes’.
it made me sick when the media was focusing on the boys ruined future. Few seemed to want to educate the public on what the victim goes through during and after the rape.
@Lizzy: I do not even know where do I even begin? I am sick of repeating this but who else will? Stop dehumanizing other people! PERIOD! THAT’S IT. END OF FUCKING SENTENCE! No group should be thought of as less than a person no matter who they, what they are, or even what they have done. The only requirment for that is sentient life. Victim blaming is a large part of rape culture and all of that is true and awesome, but you cannot claim that any creed is a requirment for humanity, even such a noble one. It does not help do start debating “who’s a REAL feminist” or “who’s the better feminist” when we are talking about rape a topic where it doesn’t matter if you are a feminist, as you articulated, in a quite offensive manor. Personally I do not consider myself a feminist because I work toward the equality of All individuals regardless of anything, not just with women’s interests in mind. We are all in this world together, it is about all of us. Saying this is a womens issue and men shouldn’t speak up helps divide us and perpetuate the lack of communication. From your view women aren’t even a responsible party who could solve this problem, not that it is necessarily true in every case, considering woman can and do rape other individuals. We need to unite as one people not divide us so you can rant in an echo chamber.
This thing is so full of incomplete, erroneous and just made up assupmtions and conclusions that it seems to be sarcastic more than anything. This is a shame, as the topic is a very serious one that should not be taken lightly or diluted by mixing in poorly constructed pro-matriarchal nonsense.
So no, having an opinion other than flat out agreeing is NOT rape culture. Letting people keep their free will is NOT rape culture. Being objective is NOT rape culture. Reserving judgement untill the guilty party has been convicted is NOT rape culture. Assuming innocence untill proven guilty is NOT rape culture. Freedom of speech is NOT rape culture.
And yeah, if a journalist gets up and says, and im paraphrasing, that men raping women is the only reason for guns, then that journalist earned that “idiot”-label.
Quite frankly, it is this type of ill-concieved ranting that is making the whole thing backfire. Of course nobody takes it seriously when the point goes from identifying and illuminating wrongs to simply inciminating an entire group or gender. And of course people are going to react in a negative way when the debate goes from trying to find a way to improve the situation to simply assigning blame.
Personally i really wish people would be better at keeping focused when it comes to this topic. It’s about change, it’s about fixing something that is broken and about improving things that could be better. There is no need for blame, excuses or finger-pointing. Save that for the courts when the crime is commited instead, because out here all it does is make it harder to make people listen.
Ok, I’ll make you a deal. Ignoring the fact that your comment is devoid of data, warrants or reasoned thinking, you extol the virtues of well-reasoned and informed conversation. If you want to go point by point on the post, and answer the arguments with data and research, then we can have this conversation. However, if you’re not willing to put in the same amount of time and effort that I (and many others) have on the subject, then you can just go fuck yourself.
But that’s the whole idéa behind what i said. It’s not about going point by point and meaninglessly trying to find who’s right and who’s wrong.
Your post, while on a very serious topic, is filled with the same stuff that makes a lot of people want to turn a deaf ear to the whole debate. And that does not help solve the problem, it makes it worse by turning people away from it instead of making them face it. And i do not believe that this is a subject where being counterproductive should be allowed to just slide by unnoticed.
You do have som very valid points, like how coaches who say they “take care of it” actually IS a part of rape culture. But at the same time you repeatedly generalise and by choise of words forcibly make everyone that is not a blind follower into a part of the rape culture. This of course makes everyone that do not agree with this label react in a negative way. And if that happens enough times, they will no longer listen which means that any chance of change rapidly grows smaller. In short, it’s not a good thing.
I’m just saying that if you really want people to take this seriously instead of just growing tired of it, then stop generalising. Stop the “with us or against us”-angle. All you’re doing is sabotaging yourself and this is really a to serious topic for that in my opinion.
A very clear example of this is how you point out that rape culture is when nobody says stop. The first problem in that is how you just pointed out that everyone that does not actively try to stop a rape is a part of it the culture. Sure, if everyone simply stood by because they all thought that nothing wrong was happening then you would be right. But the truth is that you have no idea why someone chooses not to interfere. Some might be scared, some might fear retribution. Obviously the culture surrounding the athletes in question is very strong, which means that for a teen to interfere might carry conciderable consequences in many ways.
Fears like this has nothing, absolutly nothing to do with supporting rape. And even when you have no idea about their reasons, you still put them in the same corner as the rapists. This immediately alienates all those who agree that rape is wrong but for whatever reason lacks the courage or interest to actively stand agains it. Wouldn’t it be better if they where on your side?
The same goes for the part about aduls not doling out consequences when they heard about what happened. I mean just the idea that the consequences should forgo the investigation, charges and judgement is just wrong. Rape is a crime, and the consequences for a crime is for the courts to decide, not for adults who gets to hear something from kids. The only wrong there is if they don’t call the rozzers. And even if they didn’t, once again you have no idea why. And still you make all the adults in this case out to support rape culture.
And the list goes on. It’s a huge mess of valid points mixed with the same nonsense that makes people say they are tired of hearing about it. And i meant it when i said that it’s a shame. It could have been so much better.
I hate to admit it, but i’m actually one of those who are growing tired of hearing about rape culture. I’ve never raped anyone, never thought about it and just the thought of it is completely foreign to me. I dispise rapists and if i ever have the chance i would not hesitate for a second to stop one if i could. But yeah, i’m getting sick of being called a rapist just because i happened to be born with a penis.
In short: All i’m saying is stop with the bloated generalising and fingerpointing. It’s not helping.
Oh and yeah, thanks for that last little nugget. It should be pretty obvious, but i’m actually on your side. I too think that this is a cultural problem and that is has to stop. But i guess focusing on productive problem solving instead of fingerpointing isn’t the idea here is it?
Alright. That’s more like it. This was the response I was looking for – an explanation for the complaints.
You are correct that the examples indict anyone who has participated in similar examples of rape culture. That’s the point. It’s to open our eyes to what it means to be a part of rape culture. As a general example, maybe you don’t really think rape is a good idea, but if you make a joke about how the only way so and so is going to get laid is by getting raped, you’ve made light of a violent travesty. Does that mean you want to see that person raped? No. Does it mean you like rape? No. Does that mean someone will be raped as a direct result? Of course not. But it does mean you’ve added to a broader social culture which trivializes the experience of rape survivors. That has real consequences.
In no way, shape, or form do I attack a person on the basis of participating in rape culture. No – I attack their decisions and behaviors as damaging and problematic. If we cannot do that, we cannot progress. If an individual is not capable of reflecting on their own behaviors and decisions in the face of criticism, they were never going to be on a “side” to begin with.
And that’s another problem. This is not about “sides.” Nobody likes rape. Nobody wants to contribute to circumstances which make an already horrific reality even more tragic. We’re actually all in this together, for better or worse.
But let me address your examples. Initially, you criticize the reference of non-intervention as an element of rape culture, indicating that fear may cause inaction. You’re absolutely right. And that fear is exemplary of rape culture; the fact that someone should fear retribution for stopping something as heinous as a rape is indicative of the fact that there are parties who believe the intervention unwarranted. THAT is rape culture. The fact that you reference athletic culture retaliation as a source of fear is also indicative of the rape culture elements that can sometimes be found within athletic culture.
I’m not telling people they can’t be afraid when I cite this example. I’m telling them to be brave. And I’m telling them that something’s wrong when we have to be scared of stepping up at all.
RE: Consequences – if an educator has been made aware of an alleged instance of sexual violence, he or she is legally required to report the event to the authorities. Beyond that, you’re right in terms of punishing a then-unsubstantiated allegation, and I’ll grant that; the authorities would have to determine consequences. However, that being said, when the video came to light of the boys joking about raping the girl, and the pictures came forward of them carrying the girl around unconscious, I’m going to go out on a limb and say there was probably enough proof to merit school disciplinary action.
You say the list goes on and on. I’ll be waiting for your additional specific examples and reasons.
I’m not calling you a rapist. I don’t think you are one. I don’t think all men are rapists. Most people who identify rape culture as a problem don’t think any of those things either (and if this is in reference to the image in the post- that’s not an opinion – I was pointing out the counter-movement to rape culture discussion that mischaracterizes the ideas being discussed).
I understand your concerns about people being turned off by my approach. My inbox is testimony to the contrary. I have been blown away by how many people have reached out to say, “I get it now.” I understand if this rhetorical tactic is not the most persuasive for you, but that does not make it net ineffective.
In any case, sorry for telling you to fuck off. From the first read of your comment, it didn’t seem like you were interested in little more than throwing out warrantless claims, but you have engaged with respectful reasoning, and I appreciate that. More importantly, even if we disagree on tactics, at least your comments are coming from the right place: a desire for progress.
P.S. If you want solutions… Bottom half of this piece- https://rantagainsttherandom.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/confronting-rape-culture-in-your-own-backyard/
Thank you for your posts Lauren. You are far more patient than I regarding so many of these replies. ‘What about the men?’ Indeed. Not even a quarter through the responses to your fine article and the guys are flooding the space with their competitive tales of victimhood. Glad to see you banned the ‘false rape accusations’ bullshit.
Thanks for your excellent observations.
“Competitive tales of victimhood”? I’m going to tell you the same thing I told Elle Fury. Congratulations, you’re part of the problem. IT IS NOT MEN VS. WOMEN. We are ALL, every one of us who’s decent and right-thinking, in this together. If you’re denying, dismissing, belittling, marginalizing rape or sexual assault victims, you’re participating in rape culture. I don’t care what your plumbing or biochemistry is, or that of the victim, or that of their assailant.
Scroll back up. Read my story, my reply to Elle Fury (comment 1076 I think). Read a couple others. If you can do that, and say what you just said, and deny that it’s part of the problem… I’m sorry, but I don’t want you as part of my species.
While the writer certainly has the option of banning whatever posts she chooses, I’m not sure her motivation came from feeling like “false rape accusations” are “bullshit.” I believe the reason was the lack of volume statistically in the number of false accusations. Your dialogue certainly sounds like it was written by someone I used to know named “Raine,” which isn’t the most common name, OR spelling of the name. Perhaps if you read the comment below with my name on it, some of the text’s theme will sound familiar.
Reblogged this on Hemingway Protégé.
The military has this and I think it should be world wide, if you are drunk you CANNOT give consent. Too many times rape is happening while one or both parties are drunk. It goes both ways for male rapists and female, if you are drunk you are not in the right state of mind to give consent. All should follow this and think twice before having a fling and not sober. There is always that option to claim rape, dont make it an option…just dont do it.
Zach wrote: “Date rape, intimate partner rape, marital rape- I think that sex and (for lack of a better term) horniness play a defining role there”. I could not disagree with that statement more. Back in 1988 I was date raped by a guy I had gone on a couple of dates with. I was 18 years old. It’s a very long story, but to keep it brief I will say that I wholeheartedly believe that he raped me because I had told him after a couple of dates that I did not have the same feelings for him that he had expressed for me, and that was not acceptable to him. While he was holding me down with his arm across my throat raping me, he repeatedly told me how “beautiful” and “perfect” I was, and insisted I tell him that I loved him. Not to be too graphic, but he was not really able to attain or maintain an erection throughout the rape. It was NOT about sex or “horniness”, and it wasn’t about my looks. It was about him exerting absolute power over me to get what he felt I should have freely given him (i.e. reciprocated feelings). He was not an athlete, but he was good looking and came from a very affluent family in the community, which can also play into rape culture. I did not report it because I felt ashamed, like it was MY fault, and didn’t think I would be taken seriously. I was just a kid. Now, as a 43 year old woman, I know that it most definitely was NOT my fault and I regret not turning the bastard in. I hate to think that some other girl went through what I did because he was never held accountable.
Reblogged this on LadyBuddha Speaks.
Thanks for this great post. I’ve linked it on my own blog and FB page. Keep singing the truth, sister!
Wow. Those tweets etc.. illustrated some really ugly menatalities. It’s one of the most depressing things i’ve ever seen. I’m Irish and while i am not for a moment suggesting misogyny doesn’t exist here, it seems particularly strong in the USA, which is depressing because what starts as a social trend in the US tends to transmit to other countries a few years later. Are those adverts for real?
thats mentalities,apologies.
Some were socially created and shared, but yes, for the most part.
You are brave, articulate and an impassioned writer. The world needs more people like you.
I’ll admit I did not read the more than 700 comments above, so forgive if I repeat someone else — but I have another notorious rapist to add to the list — Bob Hewitt. Tennis coach and rapist of teenaged girls. It took six women coming forward and a year to pass before he was suspended from the Tennis Hall of Fame (but NOT expelled). I follow two posts from my blog about him (and about Sandusky, Herman Cain, Clarence Thomas, Cardinal Law). Links to Boston Globe articles covering Bob Hewitt are within the posts.
http://deemallon.wordpress.com/2012/05/23/show-and-news/
http://deemallon.wordpress.com/2011/11/09/silence-as-a-crime-and-it-takes-five-women-rant/
PS I am so, so sorry about the devastating news about your mentor… that makes you another victim.
Rape culture is when a man gets raped, but no one asks what he was wearing or whether he had been drinking.
thank you for the uncomfortable brilliance.
I went to uni in America’s so called “rape capital”, Missoula Montana. I have served in the armed forces. I have been in a long term relationship with a survivor of rape. Rape culture is everywhere, and so pervasive, so endemic, it’s invisible in plain sight. That your article has to illuminate this sickness at such a rudimentary level, that is to say, that you have to approach this subject as if it weren’t obvious, is in its self deeply telling, and disturbing. We are no better than the idea we have of Islam, and its treatment of women. Our [over]reaction to 9/11 has exposed America’s own Taliban, and it is everywhere. I am a parent, of a boy, and it is my duty to explain to my young man how he will conduct not only himself, but that he has a responsibility to people around him as well. He will know that a Man asks, and that a boy takes. We have a long long way to go.
It is really such a shame that we as women can’t go out and enjoy ourselves the way men can. When we go out, we have to watch our drinks…be careful of not getting too drunk…not be too friendly (and then be labelled a bitch)… don’t dress too provocatively…and heaven forbid we go out on our own.
I feel like I need to tell this story, maybe because I’ve never told it to anyone other than my spouse, maybe because this is a safe environment…so please stop reading now if you feel it might trigger memories for you.
In 2007 I went to Paris to meet up with two girlfriends who were supposed to stay with me for two days. (Before I get in to this, I want to say I do NOT blame them what-so-ever for what happened to me). They ended up only staying for 1 1/2, and then I was left to my own devices for the next two. I went to a restaurant with the girls the first night and had a great time there. The waiter we had was hilarious and nice, and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. The next night when I was alone I decided to go back there, because I had such a good time and it was familiar. The same waiter served me, and he was still the funny and helpful guy the night before…spending a little more time around my table. Two wines in to the dinner I started to feel sick. I ended up going in to the bathroom and passed out. After the restaurant closed, the waiter came in to my stall and I remember him feeling me up. he somehow got me out of the restaurant without much notice (or maybe they just didn’t care)…he led me to an apartment around the corner from the restaurant and sat with me while I was sick to my stomach in the toilet there. Then he put me in the bathtub… then the bed. I remember I kept telling him “you’re raping me. this is rape.” but he kept going.
I felt like I was floating. The real me was looking down, watching everything. I remember I couldn’t move my legs. I remember yelling at me on the bed telling me to get up. Get out. I don’t know how, but somehow I got up. Somehow I grabbed my clothes. Somehow I ran down the stairs and in to the street. Somehow I got in to a cab and looked back to see the look of utter shock on the waiters face as he watched me ride away.
Somehow, I woke up the next morning… packed all my clothes and ran out of the hostel I was staying in and in to a cab. The cab driver had to pull over multiple times for me to be sick to my stomach and somehow…somehow… I got to my plane 5 minutes before it took off.
It was only then, that I broke down. I cried all the way from Paris to Amsterdam, and one ABSOLUTELY AMAZING flight attendant came and held me. She listened. She cried with me. I never thanked her properly, and I regret that to this day. I hope she knows how much her kindness that day meant to me, and healed me. She was meant to be there.
I’m lucky– why? I know it wasn’t my fault. I know that even though I was alone in Paris, I was having a glass of wine and enjoying myself was NO green light for what happened. That waiter is the lowest form of man, and if I could I would go back to that restaurant in Paris and…well, I’m sure you can imagine. I shouldn’t be ashamed of what happened to me… shouldn’t be afraid to talk about it I think. It happened, I’ve moved on and in some ways become stronger than what I was before.
Thanks for listening…*breaths*
Thank you thank you thank you for your courage. You are amazing.
Hell yeah! This needs to be read by, well, just about every single man and person out there who minimizes rape. It needs to stop.
Hopefully at least in this country the misogynistic worldview that is present in culture will start to diminish over the next generation. Right now women are for the first time out competing men in college and professional school admissions. The next generation of leadership in many facets of society will be much more gender equitable and not be the male dominated world we live in now. Here’s hoping that ideas and prejudices can change along with it.
I can’t wait until those guys have daughters. They won’t be laughing then.
Awesome. Thank you for posting that!
Very thought provoking. Powerful imagery.
Thank you so much for your excellent writing on this issue. We need to hear MORE about it. Not less.
Rape culture is where teenage girls clothing and shoes mirror those of adult women and magazines depict them as “hot” and “sexy” as opposed to the children they still are. Rape culture has reality shows depicting women desperately chasing and throwing themselves at rich men to marry because they have no dreams of a career of their own. Rape culture has politicians who want to deny contraceptives to young girls who want to control when and if they really want children. Rape culture is where women think they cannot make it in this world without a man and they will tolerate beatings, humiliation, sexual deviant husbands and boyfriends, even death.
I’m reminded of the poor student at Notre Dame who was raped by an athlete and ended up committing suicide. The school, it seems, sided with the athlete, if I’m not mistaken.
Reblogged this on mcchristthesavior and commented:
Important insights on rape in American culture.
Reblogged this on flamingtortugas and commented:
VERY VERY IMPORTANT
Thanks for this… I’ve never considered myself “tired” of hearing about rape culture, but I also (a) tend to experience extreme empathy for victims of violent crime and must, for my own mental and emotional health, refrain from researching them all obsessively and (b) haven’t really given much thought to the term “rape culture.” I remember seeing a photo of a young college woman at a rally wearing only pasties. On her torso was painted the words, “STILL not asking for it.” Oh my god, I thought, that’s EXACTLY right!
On the other hand, the only link you listed to which I responded with any degree of hesitation was the one about changing your behavior to prevent rape… I think there needs to be a safe way to tell women something to the effect of:
“look, you SHOULD be able to walk around naked without being accused of ‘asking for it,’ but until that day comes, there are some things you can do to increase your safety. This does NOT mean that if you are raped it’s your fault.”
All the other links made me sink deeper and deeper into a sadness and understanding about how this is EMBEDDED in our culture, and how difficult it is to overcome a problem that feels like the fish’s water, as it were.
Reblogged this on lostsparrow93.
This article is incredible! It breaks down the issue of rape culture and how it played out in the Steubenville case. This should be read as widely read as possible and I will share it with everyone I know. Thank you!
Thank you. Thank you for sharing this and for speaking out and speaking loud. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your voice in this.
Dear Lauren,
Thank you for this educational post! As a father of two girls and a boy, I have my work cut out for me to ingrain proper moral values in their minds as they grow up in this culture. This is not a new culture, it has been around for a long time. In the 1990 Texas gubanatorial election, it was reported that Anne Richards’s opponent, Clayton Williams, compared rape to rain, saying, “If it’s inevitable, just relax and enjoy it.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clayton_Williams
I’m ashamed to admit it, but 23 years ago as a college student, I found humor in that. But I’ve realized the rape culture desensitized me to those kinds of things. Yes, the culture was there 23 years ago, and I didn’t know then that my thoughts were affected by it. Thank you again. I will do everything I can to stop this thought process, beginning with me my & own children now, and ending with the day I die. I’m horrified at the reaction of those boys in that video, and by anyone who doesn’t see criminal action in standing around, watching, not helping the girl. That was the most shocking part, that nobody even attempted to get the girl to safety. If a person is that unconscious from alcohol only, they would need medical attention immediately. I hope the girl got her blood tested because she appeared to be drugged with a date-rape drug.
Reblogged this on Sociology + Social Policy = Sociopolocy.
Thank you – your original posting was incredibly well written and thought out, and the discussion that follows is the most in-depth and nuanced examination of an incredibly complex and important subject that I have seen. You are tapping into the potential of this technology to faciliate real discussion that can have a meaningful impact. I’ve often wondered how we got to this point, how can it be 2013 and such backward and primitive views and behavior still persist? – your article and some of the thoughtful and well articulated responses have made for fascinating reading.
When you get to the very core of rape and rape culture, it all seems to be about a disregard for human decency and simple respect. The way you have facilitated this discussion, the respect you have shown for (at least the rational) responders and your thoughtful replies I think are a start – if we recognize each other as fellow human beings and not objects, if we respect their humanity on any level, there’s no way we could commit such a horrific crime.
Dear Lauren,
Well done for a very well considered and well written article. I never gave the term “rape culture” much thought and when I did come accross it I took to be from the “all men are rapists” school of radical feminism. Thank you for enlightening me. All men should read your article. I will be sharing on face book and have been asking friends to sign up to the campaign to end violence against women recently promoted by the actor Patrick Stewart: http://www.breakthrough.tv/ringthebell
Rape will never be eradicated entirely but i see no reason why rape culture cannot be consigned to history.
BTW I am a man with a 19 year old daughter.
Thank you Chris, for adding your voice to this important topic.
Rape culture is when you tell your grandfather on his death bed that you forgive him for “seeing how much you had grown” from ages 9-12, Only to be told, that he forgave you too…. No one can tell me that there is nothing wrong with the mindset of SOME men.
After getting an idea of the kinds of posts you have chosen to allow and the ones you’ve “banned,” it seems there is a definite conflict of interest here, all of which existing in you and your approach.
It seems possible the attempt being made with this post was to draw attention to an issue about which you have strong feelings … especially given the strong wording in the text.
Unfortunately when you decide to be so selective by picking and choosing what comments to post and which ones to dismiss, you’re left with what amounts to the proverbial “choir,” with you as preacher.
If you’re attempting to expose a problem you feel isn’t getting enough of it, however, and are truly attempting to make a difference, you need to confront and engage anyone and everyone in whom you CAN make a difference. In other words, you can’t be a very effective voice against a war if all your speeches and quasi-townhall discussions are attended by anti-war people because those in favor of it have been denied access.
Your passion and determination are admirable; unfortunately your approach and effectiveness is lacking. Like others whose words you have “moderated,” which I imagine are those of individuals you seem to be trying to reach, I have neither the intent nor the desire to return to this page. And I will do so thinking I just encountered yet another angry feminist screaming too loud — and too selectively — to bother listening to.
Christopher,
I understand your frustration, because the process has been frustrating on my end, as well. I’m all for open and free discussion of important topics. A respectful exchange of ideas can foster greater understanding of complex ideas, and cause us to examine our own beliefs.
And as it turns out, my experiences since this post went live have made me examine my own beliefs.
I think context is important for this response. This blog has, since inception, been a place for me to give voice to topics I found important. It was not an endeavor with a specific goal. I had a full-time job, and a four year old daughter, family and friends to keep up with, consulting work on the side… consistent posting was not an option. But I enjoy research and writing and lively discussion, so having a platform to that end when necessary was a good thing.
When I initially wrote this post, it was the product of frustration. I was sick over Steubenville. I was nauseated by some of the comments I had seen from people I had otherwise respected. It seemed as though people were not seeing the big picture, and that broke my heart. In many ways, I assumed I would write this post, and use it for reference next time someone thought elements of rape culture were not prevalent in our society.
I certainly never expected it to go viral.
It very quickly became clear that this post no longer had anything to do with me. It had to do with those who were reading and sharing and commenting. And something very special was happening – hearts and minds were changing, and people were driven to inspire change in others, with over 10k shares on Facebook and 2k shares on Twitter (rough numbers – WordPress data isn’t the most reliable). The past several days have been a blur of narratives. I cannot put into words how moved I have been by the courage of survivors who have reached out; some realizing, for the first time, that they had been victims. Others spoke to a sense of healing that came from seeing so many people stand up for the interests of survivors instead of doubting their suffering.
I’m not sure if you realize how rare that is. For a survivor to feel safe and secure and supported is not something one can, in good conscience, take for granted.
In the beginning, I censored nothing on the comment thread. However, as time went on and the traffic surge began to spike, the content of the comments began to shift. By and large, the comments were respectful, insightful and compassionate. Some, however, were not. What do I mean when I say that? Here are some of the comments in the trash right now:
– Did you know that DONGLES may be a THREAT to YOUR vagina?
– But I love rape.
– *Yawn*
– Dinking is allowed. Rape not!
– I’m tired of hearing about males raping…and killing…and raping…and killing…and raping…and killing…
– i lol’d
I deleted these posts because they were non-sensical or patently offensive or blatant trolling – all of which would have detracted from the very important conversation taking place. After a while, I stopped approving posts which posed critiques had already been addressed… on at least a dozen other occasions. Part of this goes back to the fact that I’ve been moderating the thread while working and mothering and (if we’re being frank) dealing with a crisis in my community, so at times, the backlog of comments was above 200. The comment thread had begun to sprawl, and this was, in some ways, about keeping it functional. Had I not taken this step, there would have been times where you saw 10 comments in a row about not all athletes being rapists, with the same response to each about that not being what the posts says. That wouldn’t have furthered the conversation; it would have made the comment thread even more difficult to navigate.
The decision calculus changed again as more and more survivors began to share their stories. I won’t post excerpts of the responses I’ve deleted. In the few hours of sleep I’ve managed since all of this started, my nightmares have been peppered with their words. I really don’t understand the hate in people sometimes.
Some of the comments were, in a vacuum, merely questions. The problem came with context. In some stories, the survivors spoke of being doubted at every turn, with no one believing them, and the helplessness they felt. More and more frequently, a group of commenters began to (almost religiously) question these survivor accounts. For someone to relate the trauma of being called a liar after one of the most frightening experiences of their lives… only to be called a liar again… it seemed unconscionable to even think about allowing the comments through.
Even when the comments did not directly attack the survivor, they still seemed inappropriate. They were largely phrased as, “I respect your suffering, but-” … and the problem is that there shouldn’t be a “but” in that statement. A survivor should be able to tell their story – both as a form of catharsis and as an inspiration for other survivors – without having to defend themselves against a critique once more. It was a matter of sensitivity.
At this point, I think it’s important to pause for a minute to think about the psychological impact of sexual violence on a survivor. These are individuals who were violated – sometimes in a violent nature, and sometimes by people who they thought cared about them. For these survivors, the impacts last a lifetime. From PTSD to night terrors to issues with intimacy to panic attacks… the list goes on and on. For many of these individuals, finding themselves faced with serial doubters once more could be a triggering experience. I’m not sure if you’ve ever struggled with severe anxiety, PTSD, flashbacks, or depression, but it can be terrifying to have an episode triggered. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. And I have been blessed enough to never be the victim of sexual violence, either; I cannot begin to fathom the depths of that pain.
So I drew a line in the sand. I prioritized the security of the survivors over the conjecture of observers. I will not apologize for that decision. Does that make for a lower level of quality in the discourse? I don’t think so. The topic here is rape culture – the socially accepted beliefs, ideas and practices which trivialize the experience of the victim, make light of the crime, or rationalize the behavior of the perpetrators. The idea of a false accusation (however deplorable it may be – and I do believe false accusations to be heinous) does not trivialize the experience of a true victim of sexual violence. It does not cast sexual violence into the framework of entertainment or humor. It does not rationalize or justify any acts of sexual violence. While the topic may merit discussion, it technically isn’t salient to the SPECIFIC topic of the post. This, combined with the potential for intimidation or revictimization, was the foundation of my decision.
Since that decision was made, my approach to moderating comments has been to ask a series of questions focused on a singular idea: What does this do to the conversation?
Does it derail it onto an unrelated topic? Is it a direct attack or dismissal of a survivor? If not, does it have the potential to make survivors feel dismissed or attacked? If so, what is the proximity of the comment to the narratives of the other survivors? If it is not in close proximity to a survivor’s story, is the argument sensitively phrased and supported with something other than conjecture? If it is conjecture, has the topic already been addressed elsewhere sufficiently?
Essentially, the goal was to foster focused, sensitive, and constructive dialogue. Note – not a single part of my criteria has anything to do with what whether or not a comment aligns with my opinions. There are PLENTY of comments on this thread, and throughout the blog, that make me want to scream. But I think it’s important to have our worldview challenged, which is why – if they are focused, sensitive, and constructive – they get published. I understand why you might be concerned about the execution of moderation; you can’t see the backend. Let me put it this way: of the roughly 1230 comments that have been submitted on posts throughout this blog, THERE ARE ONLY 126 IN THE TRASH. About half of these fell into the trolling/repeat category.
I think this also speaks to your concerns about whether this approach alienates the target audience. Both the relatively low frequency of rejection on the basis of comment content, and the numerous posts from commenters who are just now realizing the significance of the topic at hand, seem to undercut the worry. And that’s not considering my inbox, where I have been flooded with messages from people wanting to tell me that they “get it now.”
That doesn’t mean I haven’t struggled with rejecting some comments. This is particularly true of some of the commenters who shared their personal experience of being falsely accused. In those instances, I tried to reach out to thank them for their candor, and provide a specific reason for why their comment was excluded. I’m sure I’ve missed a few, and to those I’ve overlooked, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I’m human, and I’m doing this by myself right now. I’m trying.
Now, I’m assuming the impetus for your comment, Christopher, is the fact that I had not yet approved your comment, submitted at 6:52 PM. The specific portion of your comment which resulted in rejection read as follows:
Why did this spur rejection? Let’s look at the questions I was asking to reach my conclusions-
Q: Does it derail it onto an unrelated topic?
A: Yes. Not a single part of this comment is related to rape culture. Further down, you attempt to pre-empt this concern, stating:
This statement in no way, shape, or form establishes a connection to rape culture (see definition above for reminder). It does not directly address a single point of the post itself. It is not in response to anyone’s comments. It is, simply put, a rant about stalker accusations. That’s all fine and well, but it isn’t salient to this conversation.
Q: Is it a direct attack or dismissal of a survivor?
A: No.
Q: If not, does it have the potential to make survivors feel dismissed or attacked?
A: Perhaps. It enters a conversation about suffering and says, “But look at me!” That could be interpreted as dismissive and disrespectful. At a minimum, it is a distraction from the goal of the thread, which is to better understand what rape culture is, how it impacts us, and how we can work to change it.
Q: If so, what is the proximity of the comment to the narratives of the other survivors?
A: While not directly next to a narrative, it would have posted close enough to one of the accounts – and one where the survivor had never openly discussed the matter before – to be of concern.
Q: If it is not in close proximity to a survivor’s story, is the argument sensitively phrased and supported with something other than conjecture?
A: Unfortunately, the comment was entirely based on conjecture. There was no data. There was no evidence. There were no warrants for why you believe false accusation of stalking to be a problem.
To be clear, I have no problem with you individually. And I don’t necessarily have a problem with the conversation you are trying to have. But for the reasons above, it is not a conversation to have here and now.
You have a right to your opinions. I’m sorry if you don’t approve of this moderation process, but it was my decision to make, and I stand by it. If after this explanation, you still believe I am nothing but “another angry feminist screaming too loud,” I’m not sure what to tell you, except I wish you luck on your journey.
Peace,
Lauren
So Christopher. By your logic, it would be better to have people read and sift through comments such as ‘die feminist bitch’, or read apologist comments, than read about commenters ideas of solutions to ending Rape Culture?
I think the sentence “Rape culture is when we spend all our time telling women to avoid being raped by modifying their behavior, inferring blame back onto the victim.” with a link to an article about how to avoid rape from a stranger is ill-advised. Are you saying that by giving a woman who does not have locks on her windows advice on how to force her landlord to provide those locks (a tip specifically mentioned in the article) that I am somehow putting blame on her for possible rapes in the future? Am I joining the rape culture? If I gave similar advice to a man, but to avoid theft rather than rape, am I also putting the blame on him if he is stolen from? Am I joining the theft culture?
Two things. First, when all of our resources are directed towards female behavior modification, it sends the message that, should the attack occur, it was probably their fault. That sucks, especially when the resources would be put to more effective use in a world where they were put towards incorporating sexual violence education into our broader sex ed curriculum. Second, it’s about timing. I will eventually have to talk to my 4 year old daughter about protective measures when she’s out in the world by herself, and I hate that I have to talk to her about it, but yeah – it’s necessary. The problem comes when someone is attacked, and the response is, “Well, you shouldn’t drink/ dress that way/hang out with that many guys/be out that late/be out by yourself”… that’s about the time where I lose my temper.
Reblogged this on Pdlyons's Weblog.
Ms. Nelson,
This is an excellent post. I am the father of a 13-year old girl and this trial and its coverage have pushed me to start a discussion with my daughter about rape and alcohol and respect. I want her to know that blaming a girl or woman for getting raped is NEVER acceptable. How we as a society get to the point of talking with boys about being responsible for their actions and for calling out their friends when they joke about rape is unclear to me. But articles like your yours might just help kick-start the national discussion that is long overdue.
I have posted a link to your blog on mine.
http://c-dawson.blogspot.com/2013/03/steubenville.html
This is disgusting. I was aware of the problem of the ‘rape culture’, and a friend put it quite succinctly in that the problem isn’t that we aren’t teaching enough girls not to get raped, but that we’re not teaching enough boys not to rape. Like I say, I was already aware of the problem, but didn’t realise just how prevalent and, I shudder to say it, ubiquitous it is there. I’m really horrified by how non-chalantly it’s being taken by the mainstream. I just can’t express in words how it makes me feel.
I think a lot of us struggle with the same idea. It’s so insidious that we have a hard time squaring its prevalence with the fact that most people aren’t intentionally trying to propagate it. But really, the educational burden is on all of us. We all need to inform ourselves and others, regardless of gender, of the problems at hand. It’s important to remember that there are no sides in this. Rape culture impacts everyone; it’s only by working together to change hearts and minds that we’re ever going to get anywhere. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Those boys in that video are disgusting
Reblogged this on Berna's Vibe~The Way I See IT.
Thank you for writing this. As hard as it is to read it’s about time the world woke up to whats going on everywhere. It affects all women and men in all walks of life and in all different situations. There should never even be a debate about what these men did to that girl – it was beyond disgusting and humiliating and how the poor girl is ever going to recover from it is anyone guess.
Punishment should fit the crime and I think men who are found guilty of rape should be chemically castrated, but that’s just my opinion.
I just hope that she has good people around her and that somehow something positive comes from it.
Thank you for writing about this subject it is somewhat overlooked in today’s society.
Thanks for the comments. I agree with much of what you’ve said – a disgusting situation all around. While I can’t endorse chemical castration, I definitely understand the emotions that fuel such a conviction. Keep reading, keep talking!
Definitely sickening.
Great post Lauren!
So many times folks defend the actions of a rapist who takes advantage of someone who is powerless to stop them. Sometimes, physical force or threats are used but many times the victim is incapable of consent due to incapacitation. While the media tends to stress date-rape drugs, the most common date-rape drug is alcohol. Either way, the point is that if the victim is incapable of legal consent, it’s rape.
After becoming closely acquainted with a victim of rape, rape humor has become repulsive. My friend was mostly unconscious and blamed herself for what happened. Following the rape she did everything wrong in terms of prosecuting the rapist. She cleaned every trace of what had happened because she felt dirty. She waited several days before getting an examination. She never reported the crime but the hospital did. By the time an investigator spoke with her they just swept it under the rug because it was a case they could not win and it would look bad on our “law and order” sheriff’s statistics. Over the course of several years she substantially recovered her trust but not without going through some angry, ugly rough times. Her soul has a big (hidden) scar that still gets tender at the slightest touch and when least expected.
Concerning the alcohol advertising, check out Google images for “Liquid Panty Remover”. Not very funny when you think about it.
I’m sure you have taken some abuse for your writing but it only means you have hit a nerve. Keep it up!
No is the new yes basically sums up the disgusting rape culture STILL pervasive in 2013 in supposedly progressive America. Thanks for writing about this. Steubenville is just the latest in a long line of victim blaming and shaming. I’m grateful for those who showcase the lies others tell themselves and other people.
I’m tired of people talking about it and doing nothing. Complaining gets it off our chests, but it doesn’t do much else–if anything at all. If we don’t want to live in a rape culture, we need to stop talking about it and start taking action. Talking helps when no one has ever talked it about it before, but we’ve lived in a rape culture for the last several hundred years. We identified this as a nation when I was a small child. I am now middle-aged. We have better rape laws. That has improved. But most things haven’t. It often feels to me like no one has learned anything for decades. The conversation about this topic is exactly the same as it was decades ago.
I definitely get the frustration, but I think awareness of the problems – and in particular how the problems interact – is still pretty low. That being said, I’m all about discussions about solutions. The second half of this post addresses some ideas: https://rantagainsttherandom.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/confronting-rape-culture-in-your-own-backyard/
I think anyone who can read knows there is a problem. I ran across the word “rape” for the first time in a newspaper when I was seven. And I am probably your mother’s age. Either people have stopped reading or they choose not to know. I put my money on the latter.
Forgetting the reality of the world we live in makes it a lot easier to continue to do nothing about it. Willful ignorance has a function.
Rape culture is when the Dept of Defense believes 19,000 sexual assaults are committed a year in the US military -with only 96 reaching court martial.
Thank you for this. I wish this blog post could be read by every man on earth. xx
Reblogged this on Priscila's World.
Goddamn that was difficult to read. It’s been 6 years since the one time, and 3 since another time. I always felt like girls should protect themselves because there will always be sickos in this world, but your post made me see it’s bullshit.(And I realise it just now, because it was in the comfort of my own damn home, with a person I thought I loved and the second time with a guy over 80 who tried to get his filthy hands on me while I was cleaning his house in decent clothing). People should respect your property, your body and not touch it with their filthy hands, even when you’re passed out on alcohol, dressed with less or whatever situation. Thank you for this eye opener.
I don’t have the words.
Just.. thank you.
Reblogged this on The 9th Soul and commented:
This is a wake-up call to our current state of morality has degraded despite our continuously growing intelligence.
thanks for this post, the world has gone mad …
omg …
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Reblogged this on From Nostalgia, With Love and commented:
Rape culture is a very real thing; it is something that plagues the entire world–it is an aspect of our society that we sorely need to address and rid ourselves of. No one should have to fear being taken advantage of just because of gender–this goes for males, too. Rape–IN ANY CASE AT ANY TIME–is a gross violation of our inherent human rights. It needs to stop.
Please take me off your email list. Thanks,
Liz
It really is sickening, and so important to talk about. My favorite rape-awareness thing I’ve seen is the video where they say things like, “When you see a woman walking alone, don’t rape her.”
Fantastic.
Didn’t know mentally ill people had their own culture now. Times sure are changing…
Great post/ I keep hearing more and more about the insignificance of rape. I’ve written a few articles about real cases and they are always nullified. Glad you are getting noticed
It doesn’t matter what the sport is: it’s not good (for society that is) for children to be taught that because they are physically competitive or talented they are worth more than other human beings. Really, this standard is universal. Learning how to read at the age of 4 doesn’t make you worth more than your brother, who learned to read at 6. Believing that anything makes you “better” or “more valuable” than someone else in anything but the sport you play or in English class leads to at very least egotism and at worst a rape culture. Football, baseball, basketball, even tennis. They are all great- they teach children how to work on teams, how to think efficiently, and they keep kids in great physical condition. However, the second a child’s achievement in basketball is anything more than that- it’s perverted into something focused on dominating others rather than having fun or even doing well in basketball. The Steubenville kids considered their achievement in football much more important than doing well in football. They thought it made them worth more than everyone else, they didn’t need to worry about the police, they could seriously consider peeing on the victim and not be morally confused about it. In the computer science and technology world, which is mostly dominated by men, insensitivity and willful ignorance is rampant because “they are changing the world and improving it with their knowledge and skill.” And they are. But that doesn’t make their big man assholery ok.
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Couldn’t watch all of that video — I just kept wondering, does this boy have a mother? A sister? Was he raised by animals? Sickening and he’s but one of many. His community needs a Men Against Violence Towards Women chapter.
Reblogged this on New American Gospel! and commented:
— J.W.
AMEN. This was the most well thought-out representation of the problem I’ve ever seen. Those ads were disgusting. Enough said.
this is mind-blowing.. and those ads should be stopped by the government media board or something.. I’m lucky some parts in Asia are still conservative and governments still have enough power to make things right and instill enough fear in crimes like these..
Such an uncomfortable, well written, and eye-opening piece. Thank you for using such a powerful and persuasive voice on this important subject!
I recently argued with a friend and several of his friends about this topic for quite a while until I was cornered with something I hadn’t considered. Up to that point, I was very skeptical about the legitimacy of what I thought was “Rape Culture” as opposed to rape culture. (The former being something one sells vs. the latter being something that just is.) After much soul searching I finally realized why I was having so much trouble digesting it and the following was my response. The conversation is most likely far from over between us all (and I honestly don’t know why they just didn’t de-friend me and move on with their lives) but here is my “belly-up” introspective conclusion. Perhaps it will help understanding why some of us seem so resistant to the idea? I hope so. All names have been deleted.
“I’ve given this a great deal of thought in between medical tests, bouts of explosive vomiting and diarrhea, scholarship applications, and being knocked out by the wonderful meds. Here are my humble conclusions, not in the order of occurrence, but rather in an order that will hopefully make the most sense. I really hope this helps everyone understand why some of us seem so obtuse. And feel free to share it if it is not completely crazy or asinine. (Fingers crossed – I’m scared.)
1. The word “privilege” is as problematic for me as my initial post is for y’all. I’m not saying it’s necessarily incorrect. I am asserting it might not be accurate. Setting aside the fact that white men are also occasionally raped, although clearly not nearly as often as any woman of any color, there is, I feel a possible misconception about the “benefits” of being a white male. I could include a very long list here of all of the wrongs I have suffered due to my being a penis bearing Caucasian as well as point out that attempting to quantify and compare the suffering of one to another is a useless and even hypocritical enterprise. But I won’t. Suffice it to write, many things I have worked very hard for and justly deserved have been pulled out from under me. Many things I have loved and still love deeply have been taken away from me. And much physical harm has been bestowed upon me – all justified by my being a white male and no other reason. Things I did not actually deserve as I have never perpetrated them upon anyone else. And please don’t say I probably did and just didn’t realize it. That’s a HUGE insult. I have not and I KNOW it because I made it a point not to since my earliest years. Quite frankly, as anyone privy to my recent posts will see, I have been unconditionally loving, giving, understanding to the best of my abilities, and in fact obsequious to a fault nearly my entire life. These are traits that are the very reason I am in such a bad way today. What’s important to understand here is that I, like every other human, am and adaptive creature. And in order to protect myself from future harm, I have, in my late 30’s and now 40’s, developed several protective mechanisms including but not limited to, being extremely skeptical and critical of any ideology and/or social movement asking me to grant “special treatment” (treating them differently than I would anyone else) to a given group or segment of society. I have learned to hold on tightly to my beliefs and convictions no matter how much others are claiming those convictions may be hurting them. In our society this is considered “manhood” and “mature toughness” but is, in fact, a repugnant burden to me as I never wanted to be this way. Re-read that last sentence. “Burden” NOT “privilege”. Although I can fully understand how, from the perspective of those whose feelings I am hurting, it seems I am playing a dismissive card that I’ve had the “privilege” of being dealt. Does that make sense? I hope so because I am going to play the “plowing forward anyway due to time” card we all hold in our decks.
2. On that last note, there are men who honestly believe being an obstinate dick is manhood and take advantage of society’s acceptance of it to further their own agendas. And unfortunately they seem to be the majority. In fact “seem” is the wrong word. They ARE the majority. And that fills me with all kinds of angst mostly because I don’t want my son growing up like that and ending up as bitter about it as I am. If I were truly a BMF I would go on a global ass-kicking rampage and remove them all from the gene-pool with extreme prejudice. However….
3. That is not the case. I am too old and too weak to solve the problem on my own. Having written that, it should be noted that although I am no longer the 210 pound, gun wielding, highly trained ass-kicking machine the military trained me to be, my brain happens to be a 3 pound, logic wielding, extremely-painful-life-trained, ass-kicking machine that desperately wants to be on the right side of morality and truth. And after these last two nasty encounters with [Person #1] and his friends (especially including you, [Person #2]) I have come to realize I have failed in that mission concerning rape, women, and my ability to empathize. Drawing from point #1, I have become “rough around the edges” and forgotten how to just LISTEN. Instead of just paying attention to and assuming the person speaking or writing to me is credible, I analyze and pick apart everything looking for cracks and inconsistencies, trying to fully understand them while also verifying their credibility based on the presence of, or absence of, those cracks and inconsistencies. That has become for me the art of Active Listening. I’ve come to see Just Listening as a weakness and a way for others to manipulate me. Again, see #1.
4. So I have now come to realize that all of those components put together make me Part of The Problem. And I would wager a fairly good percentage of other men are suffering the same fate. And that must really, REALLY frustrate and anger both women and men like [Person #1] and his better friends who have not been sullied by the same BS I have since I was his age. Because it’s very important for me that you realize I was not always like this! It took a great deal of both time and suffering to break me into this mode of being. Now having written all of THAT, I’ll move on to my last point and wrap this puppy up.
5. I am a Huge F@#king Hypocrite. I don’t respond well to having the worst assumed of me despite me sometimes assuming the worst of others as a mode of protection against a perceived threat. The reason it “took that long” in the previous thread to even broach the questions I really wanted to pursue, is because I was very busy fending off what I perceived to be attacks. And [Person #2], even though you made a distinction between yourself being angry vs. angrily responding to me, that you feel is accurate and relevant to this discussion, your wording, for whatever reason, rang my bell and set me off in defensive mode. And just like the last thread, we spent more time arguing irrelevant matters of semantics instead of searching for common ground first and trying to figure out, assuming the best of each other, where the hell each other really wanted to go with this conversation. I’m not saying you are wrong to be angry and frustrated with me. On the contrary. I am light years closer to understanding how I was in the wrong than I was a few days ago and you had and have every right to be completely pissed at men like me. But not all men are like me and I’m not like all men. Everyone so far involved with kicking my ass over this issue would have gotten a lot more mileage out me, a hell of a lot sooner, had they only treated me like I wish I still treated everyone else…. assuming the best until the worst is confirmed. But then again, I suppose, perhaps women don’t have that luxury when it comes to men. Not because we are [necessarily] privileged, but because we are damaged by a burden we are not allowed to shed.
I am deeply sorry for being so obtuse. I really am trying to fix it. But deep down inside, I’m terrified and angry and just can’t take any more manipulation and loss. I asked a bunch of questions above towards the end that I thought were the most relevant concerning what to do about rape culture. I think I missed one. Quite possibly the most important, seeing as how most rapists actually commit the crime due to those very same feelings. I think the most relevant question might be, “How do we stop the cycle of defining manhood by how effectively a man can dominate others and protect his own interests and instead promote a culture where neither men nor women feel threatened by any other human being ever again?””
I should add two things. One, I wouldn’t actually go around committing genocide to eradicate rape from our culture. If applied literally, that would be a separate and equally egregious tragedy. I was only trying to illustrate the level of my frustration with being forced into what I consider to be a childish form of manhood.
Second, after posting this in its original medium, one of the respondents posted a definition of “privilege” I had never read nor considered. I now realize that even my “plowing forward due to time” card is a privilege I was not aware of.
I really am pretty smart. But when it comes to this subject, I might as well be a new born babe. I just can’t believe how long this has been right in front of my face and I never even saw it.
this is a very good, in depth article. follow my blog http://thislovelylittleworld.wordpress.com/
Absolutely!
Thanks for this post. I live near Steubenville and everything relating to the case is very tough to stomach, but that’s why rape is a topic that shouldn’t be ignored.
i so so hear you…am from India where very recently a similar act took place. everyone washed off their hands….the government, the communities, the friends, certain family, sisterhood…everyone.
they blamed the girl (as always). citizens tried raising the issue but to no avail or justice what-so-ever.
today the case has been safely buried somewhere…and we have forgotten the pain and the trauma that stained us forever.
so well written, i hope that your article opens a few eyes, ears and hearts.
Ok, the story I am going to relay may be old but I just saw it this morning. How does everyone feel about celebrities possibly encouraging or fostering the idea of this culture. For example, Amanda Bynes tweeting she wants Drake to “murder her vagina.” As a man, I see this as a horrible combination of encouraging known domestic violence and rape, in this case one and the same. The change in society won’t come overnight, but it definitely needs to be addressed by the celeb world as inappropriate and unacceptable.
This blog is superb, fearless, courageous. Anyone who is truly bothered by discussions of “rape culture” needs to seriously reexamine their motivations for feeling that way. If it is driven by insecurity, get over it. If it is driven by a desire to perpetuate male sexual violence against women, then wake up and see what you are doing to maintain the rape culture that exists in our world.
As a mom who has been sexually assaulted, I am dreading the day I have to explain to my daughter what rape is. I dread the moment I have to explain to her that there are men who seek to destroy her innocence. They may dress it up in cute, fun, alcohol induced ways, but it is still their agenda. And it hurts. Thank you for your piece. It is 100% truth.
Did someone in this comments thread ACTUALLY suggest we “see rape from the rapist’s point of view?” Unless he means “motive,” then tomorrow, I suggest we see infanticide from the family annihilator’s point of view. o.O
Of all the disgusting examples you listed, I think the one that upsets me the most is the flaming of the victim from random people. Threats against a victim by anyone (even these morons that think they are anonymous on the web) should, in my opinion, be punishable under the law.
A great piece and one I intend on sharing. I also feel compelled to add, after reading some of the comments, that it is about all rapes, male and female, adults AND children. Using fear and force to assert power over another is unacceptable PERIOD. Rape jokes are not offensive, they are WRONG and not funny PERIOD. Oppression is not funny. Until everyone is treated equally and allowed to live free of oppression we will never be silent.
I totally agree. This is a nation wide issue that needs to be addressed. Kudos to you for not shutting up. I have been considering writing about it myself but there are already so many posts. I like that you list all the examples for those that don’t get it. Great post.
Reblogged this on Big Blue Dot Y'all and commented:
Read this. Read it again. Click through the links if you think we are being hysterical. Then stop. And understand that sexual assault happens to one in five women in our culture. ONE IN FIVE. Healing from sexual assault doesn’t happen in days. Or years.
We can and should fight this at every turn. Think of how many women (and men) who have been subjected to this violent depersonalization. Speak up, speak out, and heal if you need to — there is work to do.
I appreciate the trigger warning. The people I know who have been assaulted would have difficulties reading this. Another group of rape victoms that are often overlooked are the disabled. Especially those who are non verbal. The incidence of rape in this population is astounding, and most likely still very underestimated. It also proves that rape is not about sex, passion and provocation, it is about violence, power, aggression and domination.
Very well said.
Disgusting. I was sexually abused but I count myself lucky it wasn’t rape! My abuser got sentenced and I also feel very lucky for that. It’s some sort of peace.
Completely needs to be said. Rape culture is when you’re 18, hear a fellow 18yr old exclaim they can’t believe the law wants them to make sure girls consent to having sex (or say yes) and I think that’s crazy too. It’s not, it’s completely what should happen. It’s the culture we were both brought up in to think that I’m a commodity and I don’t have to give consent. There are a lot of problems in the media and lack of education.
Reblogged this on http://www.readstuffwithme.wordpress.com
Great job, Ms. Nelson. We have never met, but I am so proud of you.
Thanks. Much appreciated – sincerely.
saddest part of rape culture is that alot of people try to reason the situation, give it a sense and rationalize it by putting blame on the victim…
When I read the original article (before CNN retracted their sympathy for the cowards who raped the victim) I was sick to my stomach, It’s amazing they were more concerned about ‘football’ than the damage they did to the poor teen. No matter how the news twists it or people flip it, attacking a woman against her will is not just cowardly but the act of someone who can’t even be considered a human anymore, rather. A monster with no conscience whatsoever.
I find it absolutely appalling that these boys from this particular case are justified in their actions because of their ‘budding sports careers’. I applaud you for talking about it and encourage you to share as much as possible. I’m sorry that you have been receiving some terrible comments but I just think you’re hitting a nerve. Fair play.
Reblogged this on Every Thought Untold.
This article is excellent and thought provoking. Well done.
Awesome article- well written, put together, and informative. I often confused when I heard that a woman could feel guilty as a victim. I thought it must be because the horror of such a violent and personal crime must have brought up every negative emotion possible, even guilt. But this article bring to light how “rape culture” often places blame on the victim. The advertisements and popular thoughts shown really display how this disgusting thought has penetrated society. It’s brought up some memories for me (small things like comments I’ve heard from men over the years) and has me reflecting, wondering how society has arrived at this place of blame and hate on women.
Reblogged this on memerealtalk and commented:
I dont understand why anyone says they are tired of hearing about this topic.. its out there happening..
i loved this article, really great sourcing and well written. its so unbelievably frustrating to listen to people so imbibed in rape culture that they are the living, breathing embodiment of it. i shared my thoughts here if you like, i couldn’t keep it short enough for a comment 😉
http://citystylecountrysmile.com/2013/03/20/steubenville-social-media-we-are-all-victims/
I just wanted to thank you for this post. Thank you for saying what needs to be said even though people are “tired” of hearing about it. Thank you for saying it even though it’s not pretty. Because it needs to be said. It’s just so so so sad that so many people won’t listen (as shown by your article).
Rape is a thing that should never be ignored, or thrown under the rug, but sadly, that happens everyday. I live in a different country, and it saddens me to say that ‘rape culture’, is very real where I live also.
Recently, a radio presenter asked a rape victim “If it was her fault?” (http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/john-laws-operating-by-laws-of-the-jungle/story-e6freuy9-1226601932426).
Politicians are all too happy to advertise how far our world has progressed but have we really? Tell me how it is beneficial that women are now able and more accepted to receive a university/college education if they are constantly having to look over their shoulder because of the ever-present threat of assault? Tell me why it is worthwhile for a woman to go to work and receive almost, if not equal benefits to men, only to be sexually harassed on the way home?
Rape is not insignificant. Women are not insignificant objects for predators.
The insensitive nature of men towards women is disgusting. I myself will never stop campaigning for this and I believe the rest of society should join us.
Please tell me these stories aren’ true? What is wrong with people??? Keep writing! Just sad you have to write this…
The more we keep putting anything about the rape culture in social media the more people will keep doing this behavior. Don’t you think?
I have to disagree. The amount of responses I’ve gotten along the lines of, “I never realized, I’ll try harder” makes me think we’re doing the right thing.
As a survivor of sexual violence, I applaud you for this. I am tired of the culture and people who feel the need to dismiss my thoughts and concerns because I am “too sensitive”. I had a friend who repeatedly referred to bad situations as “hard-core prison rape” or similar phrasing. I repeatedly asked him to stop making these references. When he did not, I explained the issue I had with him saying such and after his initial “you’re just being too sensitive”, he sat and thought about it. He has since stopped but I refuse to spend any time with his friends who still make such references. We had a very hardcore debate about Steubenville and similar situations. He cited the so called false claims and I flipped out on him saying that it was no excuse. Also that many of said claims come from victims who recant out of fear of the attacker or of the system. In the case of this young girl, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she would have recanted in light of the horrible reaction she got. She was very brave in light of the media, community, and world at large. There are too many females who do not have the support and feel the need to not report or back down when faced with intimidation or doubt from authority figures. I think people like you and me need to continue discussing rape culture cause it is the only way to keep women reporting their attacks. It is the only way to educate and bring change.
I really wish we referred to females that are young women as such. Calling this rape surviver a girl over and over again is making my skin crawl.
it’s sad, because they are not aware of the big influence that ads have on both culture and social-behaviour of people. I mean, of course they are (that’s the goal) but only for the part that is useful to them (make people buy), but then wash their hands clean of the responsibilities of such awful messages. And I am a marketing student…
I hear you. I work in communications. Luckily, I work for an amazing firm with its priorities straight, but still… just true.
Reblogged this on Dyed & Wide.
In a nutshell, it is men protecting men because that’s how they hold onto power… it is now entrenched/endemic in our culture … look at some of the new bills being introduced in American senates by conservatives – these bills also reinforce the powerlessness of women and the power of men over them… it’s a disgrace
Reblogged this on In My Sandals and commented:
Absolutely agree with each and every word she has written. From the facebook comments image she has posted, we can understand the society we live in :
– a 16 year old girl is expected to be mature enough to not get drunk.
– 16/17 year old boys are expected to get drunk.
– 16 year old girl is expected to protect her ‘modesty’ even while she is heavily drunk and unconscious.
– 16/17 year old boys when heavily drunk are expected to rape the drunk girl.
-16 year old girl is a slut when she gets raped when she was drunk and unconscious.
-16/17 year old boys are poor victims of fate when they are charged for raping the girl.
– 16 year old girl getting drunk shows degradation of social/moral values.
-16/17 year boys getting drunk, raping, joking about the rape, posting the photos in social network are innocent.
– 16 year old girl should be charged for underage drinking.
– 16/17 year boys involved in underage drinking and rape are wrongly charged and convicted.
– 16 year old girl who got drunk and passed out, in no position is object, was asking for it, is responsible for her rape, is a slut/whore, got what she asked for and did not lose anything.
– 16/17 year old boys who got drunk, did only what most people in their position would have done, are not responsible for what they did, were just stupid to post it in social network , are innocent and wrongfully got their promising career ruined due to biased law.
Also read : Teens who witnessed the crimes used their phones to snap pictures and photos – never to call 911
Spot on! Reblogged in In My Sandals – http://anditooblog.wordpress.com/
and added comment.
I agree the “rape culture” needs to be discussed and that with discussion people will become more aware of it’s presence. (not that you have) But I must stress to you and anyone who reads this that NO ONE LISTENS when they feel they’re being ATTACKED. So open peoples minds, inform them, and help us get rid of this aspect of our culture, but don’t do it in a way they feel threatened or accused (unless of course they do in fact deserve it). For the most part though people are unaware they’re doing anything wrong. Just that awareness could change a lot.
Thank you for reiterating that fact. It’s part of what I as trying to say above in my uber-long post. As a man being taught and reinforced my entire life to hold on tight to my beliefs, especially when women challenge them, it is overwhelmingly difficult to re-learn to simply listen and give the same credibility to a victim as I would expect anyone to give to me. It took many people, especially women who had every right to be frustrated with me, exhibiting saintly patience with me before I finally “got it”. And now that I do, I am re-examining my entire life and wondering how far down this rabbit hole of denial and privilege really goes.
Reblogged this on Letters from the Tubes and commented:
This is an awesome piece of blogging. It’s saying what needs to be said and it’s doing it beautifully. I can only dream of writing something this good.
Liked, reblogged and subscribed. It needed to be said and you said it brilliantly.
A very horrible rape incident took place in my country recently. It was evil. It was unacceptable. People were shaken and now the women are afraid.
This blog is exceptionally good. Keep writing.
Really fantastic post – you’ve done an excellent job of putting such an emotionally charged topic into words.
Thank you for this post. Reblogging and sharing!
Reblogged this on Preconscious and commented:
If, even after hearing so much about the Steubenville rape case, you still felt confused about what ‘rape culture’ really is …this pretty much explains it. Period. Oh and for those of you who think this is a ‘westernized’ concept, I will remind you …rape culture, exists in Pakistan too. It’s a global epidemic.
And I thought almost all these rapist type assholes lived in South Africa! It is bad if persons like that on the Youtube link is seen as any type of hero in any community!
Wow, I have to say, I stumbled across your Blog thanks to freshly pressed and maybe I live in a naive little bubble of a world but this is the first time I have ever heard of Rape Culture and I’m mortified that such a thing exists!! Thank you for addressing such a devastating topic and bringing it to the forefront in the hope of eradicating it!!
Peace, Love and Happiness
Nothing can make rape good, but always a woman’s or man’s responsibility to be smart about drinking especially if you dont know all the people around u or have a friend that can protect u. Because getting a hard drug like alcohol in your system around strangers till the point of being wasted is just not good!
this blog made me pissed that is horrible!!! sigh, I am glad we have the internet though to educate and yes there are some *@&*#@ out there. But it can help good as well.
Reblogged this on McBluntosh uncensored and commented:
Brilliant blog
Reblogged this on India–infuriating and incredible.
I want to see the other picture. It may be shocking and demeaning to the poor girl who the act happened to, but maybe it will WAKE SOME OF YOU PEOPLE UP. Just because we are women, it does not automatically give you the licence to do whatever the hell you want with us. Shit like this has been happening way to long for women and something needs to be done. Personally I think castration is a fitting punishment. They wouldn’t do it again would they.
‘Women should be more careful’ – so men can get drunk? Men are allowed to be stupid? Oh but if a woman does it then, oh of course thats grounds for rape? Well, stupid girl shouldn’t have worn that short dress out and that stupid girl shouldn’t have gone out with her mates to have a good time. Stupid girl, now she must want to be raped.
Have you seen the Direct TV ad which shows a woman being sexually assaulted by an inflated man and thinks it’s humorous?
This was powerful, thought provoking, poignant and absolutely necessary. As a social worker and therapist, I have to hear traumatic stories about rape and molestation on a daily basis, and I truly appreciate this. I am also new to this site so I hope you do not mind if I follow your blog!
Powerful post. Should be shouted from the rooftops
I don’t have a lot to say in protest of the blog, I think it is very poignant and hit the nail on the head for the most part. However was the Dominos artisan pizza box supposed to be a joke??? If not, can someone please explain how that serves as an example of rape culture? Yeah i get that its a bad pun saying “No is the new Yes” but i mean, I get the feeling they weren’t insinuating anything of a sexual nature.
I think that’s an important thing to remember when we talk about rape culture – it’s not about intent. I don’t think there are a lot of people out there who LIKE rape. I don’t think there are a ton of people who think it’s cool to revictimize a victim. More likely, we’re just not aware of our choices as we should be, which is why these conversations are so key.
Well written and very important to be said until it takes hold. The rape mentality or ‘power over *fill in the blank* is good) is an underlying theme to what’s wrong in our world. You have only to look at how culture treats it women to know how insane the values are in the world. Thank you for speaking.
Reblogged this on Thoughts .
Thank you! I’m very glad you showed examples from the media. This is very true and you’re doing something about it. Don’t stop talking, you’re doing a great thing.
Hi : )
Sorry for adding to your massive list of comments, but just wanted to say thank you for the post.
On a more querying note, I just wanted to put forward something from a UK point of view – in UK law, it is technically impossible for a man to be raped by a woman, due to our definition of rape. He can make an accusation of sexual assault, but the word rape is preserved for penile penetration (though as far as I know, the punishment for the perpetrator is basically the same, assuming the judge chooses not to treat the genders differently).
Having not really thought about this as some form of bias before, I was wondering what anyone/everyone thought, and whether there is a similar distinction in the law of other countries..?
Apologies for the lengthy comment x
Oh Lauren, I thought you also would appreciate this article if you didn’t see it, I didn’t notice it referenced in your post.
http://www.fem2pt0.com/2013/03/16/the-context-for-steubenville-50-cases-of-rape-involving-impairment/
I agree with you 100% on all of this, and it leaves me really deflated. Our society scares me. Not only with rape culture, but with violent culture. What is wrong with our men and boys? What is going on? Why have we spiraled to a rape culture and culture of violence, and what can we do to make it better?
Reblogged this on faerygodmotherfortunes and commented:
Essential reading….
Amen! and Thank you!
Thank you. A million times over. I very much appreciate your inclusion of the required ultrasound.
Just a brief comment here – I did not read all the way through the comments, though I read a fair bit, and I think Zach makes a great point. How can you really go about fixing a problem if you don’t know what the cause of it is?
That being said, nailing down a single or even a few causes for rapists to rape is impossible. As is preventing rape on a macro level. Throughout history, people have hurt other people, in one way or another. But by teaching young people (to the best of our ability) about healthy sexuality etc, you make a huge difference, on a larger scale. This isn’t some overnight curriculum change, everyone has to be on board.
As sad as it is, I’m not too optimistic about that possibility.
I’m 32 years old and recently decided to go back to school. Part of my experience here is to immerse myself within a social culture that I have been out of touch with. The ‘rape culture’ seems to be common practice in the minds of the generation I find myself in. I find myself profoundly disturbed by the actions and behaviors of these ‘kids’ that I’m around. Regardless of finger pointing direction, the boys I witness have a disgusting way of cornering girls into situations where the only viable option is to give in. e.g. guys invite girls to party with a premeditated plan of having her drink too much, pass out on the couch and eventually be coerced into performing acts out of manipulation and peer pressure.
Rape culture is a well-known actor publishing on twitter: “I’m on my way home to rape my leftovers.” He is supposedly the son of feminist parents.
Rape culture is not about whether men or women are and can be rape victims. Rape culture is about the word rape becoming “lingo” for misogyny.
Have you read the comments on youtube regarding the politician (sorry, blanking on her name) who called for men to stop raping? She was told she needed to be raped!
Male rape is not part of a culture which is what is being discussed. That does not mean men are not raped; by women and by men. It’s just not joked about. Men who come out against rape are not told they need to be raped!
That my friends, is rape culture! Take it from just one more woman who has been raped.
Reblogged this on The Ornamental Life and commented:
Thanks Lauren for this amazing post.
Wow, this is really powerful.
I’ve never had to deal with any of these issues on a personal level but as a woman it is always going to concern me. I come from a small southern college town so the people around here believe pretty strongly in not saying anything or “making a fuss” about something that happened and I know some stuff has happened in our college, frequently. It’s always depressed me and made me feel a bit hopeless about the situation but posts like this kind of fill me up again–knowing that there are people who still stand strong on the issue and will continue to do so is a great help.
This is a wonderful post, and thank you for being a strong person!
Nice post. I agree that the discussion about rape culture and the oppression of women and girls should not stop until disgusting cases like this cease to occur!
I’m tired of hearing about rape culture too, but even more tired and sickened and ashamed that it is still very necessary to talk about it and will be until we stamp it out.
I went out with a girl a couple of weeks ago. She wound up getting way too drunk and passing out in the booth of the restaurant that we were in. Despite having been making out with her most of the night, the only thing that crossed my mind was that I had to get her back to her house, safely. So i sat in the booth for a while, drinking water to sober up, and then around 4 in the morning, drove her home and handed her off to her brother who had been up all night worrying about her. I don’t think I deserve a medal for such behavior, and when i hear about these guys being “victims” and having their lives torn away, all i can think is that it’s their own fault – if they possessed, any morals, honor or diginity, they would not have wound up where they are going now. It’s a sick world when the person who has lost control of her actions is blamed for the actions of other people who still are in control of theirs.
As long as people are victims of sexual violence, whether woman, man or child, we should all talk openly about the issue. I really don’t get those who respond to this with saying that men are also raped. Yes, men are also raped – that’s a fact. But the very same people who dismiss the rape of a woman with comments like “It was her fault because she was drunk” will generally also dismiss the rape of a man with something like “You must be gay if you didn’t like it” or, if it’s man-on-man rape, complete silence (I’d bet these cases are almost never reported.) The point is that both of these are a product of the same problem.
I’ve never had to deal with rape firsthand, either personally or in my family. I can’t imagine what it’s like.
Rape culture is when women are brought in to satisfy naval officers’ sexual urges.
This post melts my heart.The world we are living in makes me love women even more.I can feel the bond.I want to see respect for life and soul of every human being.And I want to see rapists,eve-teasers and molesters ridiculed and mocked at by the entire world.
I am from India, we had a crime of gang-rape reported this December where not only did 5 men and a boy brutally rape the girl in the running bus but they inserted an iron rod into her tearing her uterus and intestine. And then threw her out the flyover at the highway.The very thought shook me.I want such criminals punished right now and right here in the world.Why can’t punishments for such crimes be as brutal as the crime itself?
Reblogged this on alternatekev.
This post was amazing. Kudos to you. If only we had more voices like yours. ❤
Reblogged this on All The Anomalous Bits and commented:
Just in case anyone has wondered what is “rape culture”, this will tell you all you must know. Now excuse me, I need to go into a dark corner for a bit to hate the world.
Reblogged this on Oyia Brown.
Coming for Malaysia, I have to say, this is a very well-written post. The awareness it has brought me is priceless and I, in turn, will do my very best to spread this news. In a way, people like these (rapists and their friends) are no different from the rapists in the Delhi gang rape. I do hope none of these rapists will have a bright future. Once again, thank you so much for this post.
Keep going Lauren.
‘Till now, I’d never heard of “rape culture”. We really don’t need a name for everything and this sounds like one we don’t need. “Criminal Culture” should be sufficient. Just as most terrorists are simply criminals who have found a way to legitimize their crimes, rapists are doing the same. No need to separate them. They are criminals! And deserved every punishment we can throw at them.
Reblogged this on Sheva's Cross of Change Blog and commented:
alot of information…………………..
I could not agree more.
Reblogged this on pennyleighcook.
Wonderful post!!!
Reblogging this on my own blog–hope that is OK. Haven’t read through the 1,024 comments on this post yet but your post itself is truth, plainly spoken. You state it more eloquently than I could; so I hope the repost is OK.
Reblogged this on Cerulean Starshine and commented:
I don’t normally write about rape, as it is a trigger point for me. However, this blogger has written an eloquent, plainly stated, easy to understand post about “rape culture” and why things like this are *NEVER* okay. I haven’t read the comment thread yet–it’s at 1,024 but the post is enlightening. It makes you think. Read it. Even if it makes you uncomfortable. There are no trigger images, just links, which I opted not to click on.
Read it, then share, because it’s important.
It’d be nice is these were actual examples of rape culture
So powerful. Could be more powerful without the repeated grammatical error of “a group of athletes rape”.
Great post!!!
Thank you for writing this. I couldn’t find the right words amongst all my frustration and anger due to the recent Stubenville backlash posts but this summed up everything I wanted to say. You’re a beautiful human being.
There is to speak against something, and then there is to survive in a system created by it. If these two things were one and the same, maybe things would not be ruled by violence.
I’ve heard the theory that domestic violence is about power and control. ( And really this could at times qualify as DV.) But it isn’t.
DV is about feeling a lack of power and control. People with power and control would have enough courage and confidence to cage fight lions (or equivalent) for something good, right, and strong.
People (and other animals) who feel powerless and feel they have no control fight things smaller than themselves to feel big.
Thus, best theory so far: Rape is because the perpetrator thinks they are not attractive enough or posessing enough redeeming qualities to have anything better, although people would want better. Since they are human beings.
I wonder if we could improve society as a whole to create a better situation for everyone.
I should say, survive it, although such violence does create and rely on a system.
Obviously, if you are not in a safe situation, you would know. But also, speaking out/ being able to express yourself can be empowering.
Keep talking. We should all keep talking. Until we don’t have to any more. As long as rape happens, as long as peoples reaction to rape is to ignore, cover up or blame the victim we should keep talking. As long as a father’s reaction to rape is to want to kill his daughter and judges feel pity for the aggressor we should keep talking.
Sick, just sick. I watched 47 seconds of that video and I couldn’t take it anymore. The way they laugh as if it was a big joke is just disgusting! I can’t believe these people are of the same species as you and us. It’s deplorable, and downright sad.
Couldn’t have said it better myself, will re-blog this manana.
It is so sad.
Progressives and feminists promised that if we just blamed men, if we just empowered women, if we just hated me enough, if we just tolerated pornography enough, if we just said ‘boys will be boys and girls will be girls,’ then all of this would get better.
And instead, the social experiment has utterly failed us.
We need men to be real men. We need to take back our culture away from the hate, and learn to love each other again.
IMHO.
I’m not sure which feminists you’ve been talking to lately, but I can’t think of a single feminist I’ve ever met who hates men. What do you mean when you reference “real men”?
hahaha.
I live most of the year in Ukraine. It is so refreshing to not have women run from me, because I am male.
Today, Easter, I walked out my front door to check the grass installed last week.
The woman in the park, looked at me, and then she picked up her daughter and scurried away.
I realize you may not see or feel it. But, an Hispanic man told me two weeks ago, “I never thought I was campaigning for equal rights in the 1960’s and I would see white men so badly treated.”
I’m not saying that there is not fear, but I wouldn’t say it’s a result of feminism; that paints the ideology with a very broad brush. I do think our best bet is to work together – regardless of gender – when we see violence and inequality, and not attribute it to a given gender. That’s not fair or accurate. I’m very sorry this has been your experience though; that’s not right or fair.
Lauren,
America was changed. And the experiment has not been good for women.
Women were promised a much better life. If only they “women” were independent and did not rely upon men. Now, 50% of our children grow up on government assistance, because they come from single parent homes.
And many more women are in bad marriages than in 1960.
Whoa, whoa, whoa…. wrong allegation to throw at a single mother. A single parent household does not dictate the future; it is largely dependent on the parent, the community, the support system. A million different factors go into it. Check the generalizations at the door. My daughter is well-loved, well-supported, well-cared for, and provided with every opportunity possible. I fight and scrape for each one of those opportunities, and I don’t intend to stop. She’ll have everything she needs and more. And I know far more single parents (both male and female) that take that approach than I do who fall into your description. Many of these parents are commenting on this very thread.
And how do you know more women are in bad marriages today than they were in the 1960’s? If this were the 1960’s, I’d have been forced into a marriage absent of love upon becoming pregnant.
I will agree that society has changed, and that there are more problems that we’re aware of today than we were then. But does that mean there are more problems, or that we live in a world where we’re more comfortable discussing these issues than we were in the 1960’s?
Having said all of that.
First time marriages is still successful more than half of the time. Close to two thirds of first time marriages do not divorce.
Census data – first time marriages still married were about 72% ….
There are a lot of men who are so beaten down, they do not know how to be men.
They do not know how to behave in public, or how to treat women.
And then I go back to the Former Soviet Union. And it is like stepping back to 1980’s America.
Hmmm. Define “behave in public” and “how to treat women.” I don’t think we’re too far off… but I’m not sure the 1980’s were all that great for gender relations either.
I can’t read this whole post…I’m going to have to take it in chunks. Keep talking.
Reblogged this on TheReporterandTheGirlMINUSTheSuperman! and commented:
So you guys know that this is an important issue to TheGirl. Men, Women, and Transgendered alike need to take a stand against violence. This blogger, Lauren really puts this issue on the forefront and I agree 125% with what she says about “Rape Culture” I’m tired of hearing about Rape Culture, but even more so –seeing the atrocities of it everyday. Floor open to comments and sharing!
Not to diminish anything you have said because I think you have done an admirable job with this piece and I agree with almost all you said, but the problem is systemic of other issues, the desensitization of peoples in general…look at the gun debate…evidence shows without dispute guns are used to kill people…with the advent of the internet and even more graphic images assaulting us, the problem is not going to get any better…I am not going to blame porn but its availability and acceptability present day only demonstrates that the behaviours depicted are the norm…which they aren’t but it has become public perception…Thank you for putting this out there and creating awareness…awareness is our only hope
Well said. I look at those lads in that video clip, and I feel repulsion and sickened. I have 3 very young boys. I cannot imagine the feeling if you saw your child in such a clip. There is a seriously messed up world where young men are behaving like that and it’s all around us.
Reblogged this on Whispery Wind and commented:
In South Africa, India, Kenya, the World over, Rape Culture is becoming a culture that we are too silent about. Speak up about rape. Speak our against rape.
You Go Girl! We just experienced Easter, which is a Christianized version of an ancient and longstanding tradition that was co-opted by an increasingly man-centered world. Demeter and Persephone were originally THE dual goddesses who divided and presided over Winter and Spring/Summer. (Also called Ishtar and Ostara).
Interestingly, the myth altered to become Persephone being raped and brought underground by a man who now held power over her. Rape culture is very old. But the good news is that for eons the goddess and feminine power were revered. It happened once; it is possible again–but we’ve got a lot of growing to do.
Blessed be!
AMEN, Sister! Shout it loud, shout it long. Shout if from the rooftops. Every woman should shout it too! Men are the ones responsible for raping women. Men need to take responsibility for when they do. Society and government need to force the men who rape to take responsibility if they haven’t already, and need to enforce the punishment. Rape should always be reported, and taken seriously. Our country, our government, and our citizens need to take rape seriously and change the way it is currently viewed and treated. Every time, every one. If you don’t say ‘yes’, then it’s rape.
Hey, just wanted to let you know I am reblogging this because the more exposure it gets, the better! Thanks!
Reblogged this on Me: Finding the Missing Pieces and commented:
This is too important not to be disseminated as much as possible!
Reblogged this on Paula Lindo and commented:
“dominos
Rape culture is when you’re tired of hearing about “rape culture” because it makes you uncomfortable, as your attempt to silence discourse on the subject means we never raise enough awareness to combat it – and that’s part of why it sticks around.
So yeah, I’m sorry you’re tired of hearing about it. But I wouldn’t expect us to shut up anytime soon. Nor should we.”
Reblogged this on Lemons 'n Lyme and commented:
Although my blog is about Lyme Disease, food, and sometimes some fitness, I HAD to post this. This is an excellent post and the Steubenville rape case was an absolutely disgusting event that showed just how sexist our society still is, how despicable the media is, and how we have our priorities ass-backwards.
I can’t think of anything to add to this. Well said.
Reblogged this on Loss For Words and commented:
Great post that exposes a lot of troubling things associated with rape and sexual assault. Be informed!
Reblogged this on light tight mind and commented:
An in-depth explanation on why talking about Rape Culture is important.
You have put in words a burden I’ve been carrying and trying to explain.
Great Job.
Reblogged this on Messed Up and commented:
I stumbled across this. I know people use that phrase all the time but I truly did. Another blogger liked one of my posts and I decided to check out her blog http://www.thereporterandthegirl.com where she had reblogged this post.
It took me a while to get the whole post read and I will say I haven’t watched the video and don’t plan to. I clicked on the picture of the comments from various sources about the Steubenville rape case that is in the post and reading the comments made me sick!
If you are a survivor of sexual violence please read with caution as I found the post to be very triggering.
Take care,
Lissa
Reblogged this on http://myuglymesseduplife.wordpress.com/
I think that only non-coercive sex is sexy. I think rape-culture can burn in hell. Permissive kisses from Mrs. & misses is where its at boys. In a generarationon of dumb X-pctations a refuge remains for two to actually love one another safely and deeply with heart! I say, “Olé! ” and “Hail true lovers!”
Reblogged this on theconservativehillbilly.
I applaud you for speaking up. It’s time for society to recognize when and where they are in the wrong. People need to realize that no matter the excuse there is never a legitimate reason to take advantage of a woman, girl or child. It is unfathomable how people can still turn a blind eye to this kind or suffering. So thank you.
If you do not understand what rape culture is after reading this, you are unredeemable. Sorry, you just are…
Then please – by all means – ask questions. What part do you not understand?
Just want to say I love this post. I’m sick of hearing about rape culture, but only because I’m sick of the fact that it is still an issue. As long as it is an issue, it needs to be talked about.
Teach men to not rape!
And women. And teach EVERYONE about what consent actually means.
Thank you for bringing the outrage even more into the light–it is not the first time and will not be the last time but it is clearly crucial that people speak up and think hard about these facts. I have counseled countless female victims of rape and other violent crimes–remember that rape is first an act of violence against another, a deviant response enactment of a terrible need for power. The long term effects are complex and devastating. Sexual assault/abuse does occur to men as well, and they also spend a lifetime trying to understand and heal but the women were far outnumbered over twenty five years of working with them on such issues as PTSD. Rape instigates a self-loathing and sense of powerlessness that irrevocably alter a woman and everyone who cares about her.
You are to be commended on using the power of your intelligence and compassion in your blog. I will be back.– And thank you for again “liking” my poem!
Gosh thank you for that post, amazingly informative. I blogged about this today too albeit less eloquently than you… http://thestrongestsmile.wordpress.com/
If we stand together we can change this abhorrent culture which the media encourages daily.
Wow! Intense, but enlightening.
Reblogged this on This Is Why I Cheat and commented:
Really excellent blog post about society’s misguided, insensitive and often cruel view and reaction to rape and rape victims.
im sure there is nothing i can add to this that hasn’t already been said; read some comments but not all – would take too long haha – but really that’s a good thing; i agree this talk MUST happen more, not less if anything is ever to change; i’ve been so disgusted myself with what happened in Stubenville (sp?) and politically with rape; faulting victims (male or female) is the most disgusting thing ever; people forget that rape is NOT a crime of passion – it’s about power, control, dominance which is why in an article on cnn’s website i recently read about military rape – more than 50 percent of rapes are male (i believe that number is based on known rapes – not all immediately reported but indicated later); the article indicated rape has nothing to do with being gay or sexual impulses, strictly dominance – similar to that of animals (such as dogs) dominating another via sex, this also is likely why most rape against men in the military happens during boot camp (at least thats what i recall reading – again that just makes sense if you ask me); anyway – THANK YOU so much for posting this! it took courage to post on this very controversial topic and so pointedly but am so glad i came across it; it really is important to, wow kind of hate to say this given the irony but, force the issue or it won’t ever be addressed or changed
Yes rape is wrong, but so is murder and it still happens.
It’s great to have a movement, but understand you cannot change human nature, people will commit crimes until the end of time itself.
So what’s left, execute every male on the planet and let the human race go extinct… yeah I don’t think so.
Death to the rape culture but death to all who keep think it matters in the grand scheme of humanity.
Reblogged this on To care is to be human.
Recently in the news (please forgive the lack of citation. Also, it was published in Spanish, in Spain) was an article about a new device that women should wear inside them in the case of rape. Women wear this sort of pliable tube inside of them with “teeth” lining the inside of that… Basically, if the woman were to be raped, the device causes pain for the man, and the device’s “teeth” become embedded in the man’s penis when he tries to pull out. The device must be removed surgically. Many people protested it saying that it was “like a medieval torture device.” The woman who invented it agreed and said, “Yes, a medieval device for a medieval act.”
The picture of the device can be found here, and the article if you speak Spanish.
Thank you for this post.
Thank you for your clear and unapologetic coverage of this issue. It’s infuriating to see some people’s blase – and sometimes alarmingly insensitive and uninformed – attitude towards sexual assault. I know that not all men are rapists, but I think many societies (mine in Australia included) have a lot of work to do with the way men view women and sex.
Reblogged this on Hear Me Roar and commented:
Extremely well put together article including links to many different articles pertaining to rape culture.
Thank you for writing this. I am appalled at the hate and disrespect projected toward the Steubenville victim and toward people who defend her, or who defend other rape victims. But it’s important for people to see how twisted some people are, as many of us (myself included, until reading this) aren’t aware that this cruelty is so present in our culture. I admire you for your powerful writing style and for your bravery in writing about a subject that (unjustifiably) tends to attract so much backlash. We need more people like you.
Reblogged this on Fondling the Truth.
Reblogged this on woosterlang87.
Reblogged this on The Inner Monologues.
Communities should not feel tired until there is constructive dialogue and action against this culture. First step would be bringing the perpetrators to justice followed by reconstructing lives for victims. Long way to go though…
Hi, just wanted to let you know that your piece was linked to in our opinion piece:
http://www.neontommy.com/news/2013/04/what-audrie-pott-can-teach-us-how-saratoga-can-succeed-where-steubenville-failed
Thanks for a great read!
It’s hard to hear but it seems that there are some guys trying to help in the video and calling it rape with some disapproval. Or maybe I mishear. The main guy is your classic party bore, apart from the complete lack of moral sense and empathy.
Reblogged this on outspoken..
This is eloquent and (unfortunately) necessary. Thank you for posting.